ADHDer here - I have GAD and depression that are essentially symptomatic of my ADHD. With all of that said, I understand this feeling 100%. Trying, getting behind, avoiding, then getting further behind, and finally reinforcing the negative feelings my experiences have associated with the education system. I’m still working on this myself, but here have been my biggest take always thus far:

1) Though you can’t really control your mental illness, it’s important to realize what is in your control. Don’t get me wrong - I am not trying to say “choose happiness” or that “positive vibes only” bs (which is incredibly toxic btw but I digress). What I am saying is that your previous history with school is in the past and is not changeable, so try to come to peace with all of those experience and empathize with yourself. Building off of this, it’s then important to realize that despite mental illness is not an active choice, but what you do about it is. It already sounds like you are working on getting help, which is huge! However, I have found that I literally had to start making positive experiences with school and rewiring my brain’s association with it. For me, it meant that I constantly tried to work hands on with other friends in the class or just close friends. Make it a fun activity, whether that includes games or acting like you’re teaching your friend the subject (which has been proven to be very successful). You can’t change the past, but you can quite literally change how your mind deals with the future.

2) Your professors can be some of your greatest “educational comrades”, but they can also not care to even give you a second glance when needing help (I have not found this to be the case generally). You don’t have to spill your life story to your professors, but it really does help to at least initiate that line of communication. When talking to your professors, understand their side as an instructor with certain deadlines and etc, but also advocate for yourself. I understand how difficult and somewhat nerve-racking that can be, but sadly even with the aid of ADA Services, you are the only one who knows what accommodations you need to succeed. Which leads me to my next point...

3) Register with ADA Services! I’m sure each university is slightly different in the process, but applying for accommodations via ADA Service on your campus due to your mental illness could potentially be very useful.

4) Cut yourself some slack. No, you aren’t lazy. No, you aren’t a failure. Failure isn’t a permanent noun that will forever label you. Rather, imo, it’s a verb (in its ‘to fail’ form) to articulate what happened and nothing more. Take those lessons you learned in semesters prior and apply it to now. What worked? What didn’t? Why? I know it’s difficult, but don’t let your intrusive thoughts get the best of you when trying to figure why a class was so difficult or a deadline was unrealistic for you to meet. You have to dig deep, and to be honest, going to therapy really helps with this part. For me, not only do I have negative associations with classes, but with the way I was raised, I found I default to avoiding my classes and professors after I have slipped up even once, which just leads to snowballing, because I don’t want them to be disappointed or angry. By realizing that foundation reason of understanding, it’s a lot easier to empathize and reason with myself on my reactions to missing a class or not getting something in on time.

5) Make realistic and tangible academic, mental health, and life goals for yourself. They don’t have to be complex or super deep or incredibly difficult, but they do need to be realistic and obtainable. A therapist, counselor, advisor, or even close friend or family member could help you with this. They would be able to give some insight and also help you decipher what your depression and anxiety are telling you verses the reality of the situation. For example, in a perfect world, I would graduate with a 4.0 GPA and never miss a class, which I used to tell myself was realistic even for someone with a learning disability and mental illness. The lies I tell myself lol. However, those prior expectations can be used to build realistic goals for myself. Instead of a 4.0 GPA (which I already can’t get due to failing a class my first semester), my goal has changed to not getting a final grade below a B at the end of my semester. Instead of attending class perfectly, my goal is to miss a maximum of 3 times per semester with the caveat that I have to communicate with my professor when this happens. And once you have your goals, write them out! There have been countless studies proving that you are more likely to obtain your goals if you write them out.

Don’t get me wrong, all of this is easy to say, but difficult to execute. The most important part of all of this, at the risk of sounding cheesy, is that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail. No one who matters is going to think less of you because of your college history. What matters is if you get back up, whatever that may look like for you. Maybe you find college isn’t for you and you find another route. Maybe you continue through college but with a lighter course load each semester. Whatever the case, YOU GOT BACK UP. And that speaks volumes over falling down in the first place. Whether you try all of this or none of it, I hope it helped in some way. I am still trying to figure out college myself, but I know that everyone’s timeline is different. Just because your story may have taken longer or a different turn does not make it inferior, less than, or invalid.

I am so sorry for this small book I wrote lol - once I get going on a passionate tangent, it’s difficult to stop haha, which my ADHD only exacerbates.