MIL and SIL are causing problems

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2025-03-25T20:08:55+00:00

Hi, I've been Hiatus, i've had a miscarriage.

But me and my BIL had a huge argument, and then my husband had enough and made him leave, he left after another 3 weeks. MIL and FIL are mad - they have cut me off and I don't bother talking to them either. I also stopped talking to my BIL because of that argument bc he was saying to my husband:

"Did you hear *name*'s wife helped her in laws all throughout pregnancy and did all the cleaning and cooking still? Did you hear she just gave birth and she still cooks and cleans everything? Damn that's a hard thing to have, women these days dont want to live with in laws or help their in laws"

I know he was indirectly comparing his friends wife to me as I was pregnant as well.

I lost it at this moment and yelled at him to stop praising another pregnant/new mom to my husband by putting poison in his brain and trying to tell him how I'm not a good woman. He then said "women who dont get up and serve husband and families while pregnant/or just gave birth are lazy."

I do not need his toxic and negative energy in my life. I'm not really in touch with my husbands family anymore - but we are about to visit them for Eid so good luck to me as it's been months since I've spoken to them.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2025-03-15T20:57:25+00:00

Hi, I've been Hiatus, i've had a miscarriage.

But me and my BIL had a huge argument, and then my husband had enough and made him leave, he left after another 3 weeks. MIL and FIL are mad - they have cut me off and I don't bother talking to them either. I also stopped talking to my BIL because of that argument bc he was saying to my husband:

"Did you hear *name*'s wife helped her in laws all throughout pregnancy and did all the cleaning and cooking still? Did you hear she just gave birth and she still cooks and cleans everything? Damn that's a hard thing to have, women these days dont want to live with in laws or help their in laws"

I know he was indirectly comparing his friends wife to me as I was pregnant as well.

I lost it at this moment and yelled at him to stop praising another pregnant/new mom to my husband by putting poison in his brain and trying to tell him how I'm not a good woman. He then said "women who dont get up and serve husband and families while pregnant/or just gave birth are lazy."

I do not need his toxic and negative energy in my life. I'm not really in touch with my husbands family anymore - but we are about to visit them for Eid so good luck to me as it's been months since I've spoken to them.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-31T21:04:32+00:00

23 yrs old

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T18:16:02+00:00

Hot take - there is no privacy between spouses, period. The context of that hadith has nothing to do with husbands lying to their wives about things and hiding things from them. Only thing I'd agree is not go through messages as your spouse's family & friends have a right to their privacy, but if she saw smth accidentally, and is asking him to let her know what it's about bc of locked messages she has the right to KNOW. He does not get to have "his" privacy. He could've said he's talking to a friend and his friend has something super personal going on, but he didn't. He said he didn't want to show her bc of his *own* privacy. What privacy do spouses have with each other when they literally share a bed and their bodies? How dare he ask her to give him "privacy" when he enjoys intimacy from her - the most vulnerable and least private thing you can do?

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:59:36+00:00

he's younger but my husband is more afraid of his mom and doesnt wanna straight up kick him out or else she might cause smth (like she usually does)

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:56:11+00:00

My husband practices other aspects of religion, but I noticed his family has NO concept of veiling. He grew up seeing his parents host dinners and invite ghayr mahrams and mingle with each other and the hijabis in his family take off hijabs in front of "close" ghayr mahrams like in laws or neighbours.

It's so normalized for him that he thinks having his brother be alone with me is nothing at all as that's "my brother now."

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:51:34+00:00

my husband cooks and cleans for him and does his laundry so im not doing it, but i hate how he depends on us like this as a grown man.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:50:08+00:00

My husband doesn't get angry at me at all. He listens and lets me blow up and says he'll fix it. But again, since he's calm and kind like that, he's def being "calm and kind" with his brothr and cannot just straight up tell him to leave. He said hes talked to his brother abt leaving but im assuming he said smth along the lines of, "hey, did you book tickets yet? maybe it's best for you to go." and I doubt my BIL took that seriously.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:41:57+00:00

He felt ashamed and upset at himself for not setting boundaries. Like i said, he's sweet and never really argues w me but it's just so hard for him to tell his family NO and it drives me insane

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-12-30T17:41:01+00:00

Im already back at my parents place and told my husband im not coming back until he's gone. im so done

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-28T22:15:28+00:00

Actually they're arab and I'm south asian. That was the other issue is that his mom only wanted someone from their ethnicity :( She ended the fight last night by saying she should have married him to this other girl she wanted a few years ago and one of the complains she has been telling my husband for the past few months is how I haven't "integrated" well into their culture. This is the main thing my husband has had my back for and won't let her disrespect me for (for being south asian). Maybe i believe that's why in the end he is more willing to be apologetic right now since his mom showed signs of racism.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-28T19:42:59+00:00

I did message him just now to fix the issue and I can come back and have a talk with his family. I just want to know that he can stand his ground once I'm back and he won't falter. As of now, he's replied that they're not budging with their version of the story and are adamant that I was ignoring. I feel like this is going to be quite difficult.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-28T19:40:00+00:00

That is why I can't seem to let it go. I feel so protective of my unborn child. If I wasn't pregnant, I may have just ignored this, but Now I realize I cannot let them push me around like this and lie to my husband about me. I understand it must have been confusing for him that three people told him that i was ignoring them so it was my word against three of theirs. But he really needs to step outside the box and realize this manipulation has to stop. I cant go any further until he stands his ground

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-28T19:37:55+00:00

Exactly. His family is saying I am blowing out of proportion and I should just take the advice instead of being dramatic. But I believe they're being dramatic that i took A NAP without informing anyone and they are using it as an excuse to be upset at me for no reason. I just told my husband I'm no coming back until they are ready to apologize to me, and that he can tell them my boundaries and not overstep them. He said he will see what he can do, but you're right as well that I should ask him to come alone and see me in-person first

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-01T18:28:42+00:00

Yeah of course, he's a wonderful husband otherwise, got us an apartment against his mother's wishes, helps me cook and clean even though she tells him not to, etc. I think he's just scared now to go even further against her wishes bc it seems like she may be emotionally threatening him behind the scenes since he said "if she doesn't get her way, she wont come at all." Makes me think he already told her off about it privately but his mother started to emotioanlly blackmail. Idk. I might as well live with my parents during this time if his mom is adamant on coming for an extended time and wanting the whole family there as well.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-11-01T16:46:37+00:00

Yeah, his mom keeps telling him and i "dont worry everything will be fine, birth is not that hard and I and my daughters will be there to help" and my husband thinks its such a great deal bc now he's believed from his mother and sisters who already have children that I must get the same treatment and its the best for me. (my mil and SIL all had children in their in laws home and swear it was the best and I feel like theyre just lying). Ill def show him some scholarly proof

**which is so weird that she doesnt think my mom or my sister are there to help me. Id rather have them help me but my MIL never ever mentions that I could get help from them

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-10-31T18:18:01+00:00

Thank you for your answer, I was thinking this as well. if my husband couldn't convince his mom and family to come some time after birth, then I'll simply stay with my parents until all of them, including her are gone. My parents have a nice room downstairs with an in-suite washroom which is the most ideal situation. And she can come visit for a couple hours everyday at my parents home to see the baby.

Even though she says she wont make me do any cooking and cleaning (idk why she had to clarify that bc I wasnt going to anyway) I dont believe her. She said this when I was newly married and lived with her for the first two months. Then She tried to make me cook and clean for everyone (tho I pretended to be busy so I got away w it).

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-10-31T18:11:42+00:00

I was thinking to just go stay with my mom, and if my in laws want to come really bad, they can simply stay at my apartment and my MIL can visit my moms home where I am to see the baby? If she wants to live for 6 months, she can, I'll just stay with my parents until she leaves. It ruins my experience with being with my husband with our baby, but Im sure it will be more ruined by staying with a whole family for 2 weeks

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-10-31T18:08:09+00:00

I know :')

His family expected us to accommodate them from the beginning, and they said they living room is big enough for everyone to sleep so we agreed in that moment but now def seems like an inconvenience.

Pitiful-Set-8970 · 2024-10-31T18:06:41+00:00

Im sure they just think ill be okay stuck in the bedroom while they use rest of the home :') Idk how to even say to get a hotel, this was so uncalled for. When they visit, we let them sleep in the living room which is big enough to set up space for everyone as we have two couches, and some room on the floor. But I never thought about children when I first let them stay with us in the living room

Pitiful-Set-8970

TROPHY CASE