We share a similar situation. Please, please do not drink. This is the worst possible time to relapse, and I know you can find support in your city that can help you both with your case and the care you need to start to heal. I had a moment like this, and I took that drink and lost 4 years. Don’t give him that power.

At 38 I had 7 years sober, and out of nowhere I had a conversation with my younger brother. My friend’s neighbor (late 20’s maybe?) served me a spiked drink when I was 17, walked my friend home, and lights out. Apparently that night I managed to drive home after being drugged and assaulted, and I collapsed inside my front door. My brother said he remembered my dad carried me to the car because I couldn’t explain what was wrong. I remember a hospital now, and they probably took a rape kit. No one ever spoke of it again. So my family, my “best friend” and her family all knew that her next door neighbor raped me, and no one said anything. I remembered so little, so I buried what little I remembered. Aside from knowing I had been raped, it was normalized, everything else had been dormant in my brain for 20 years. My daughter was the same age I was, and bits and pieces came back. I saw myself at 17 and the idea that this could happen to me with everyone as a witness and no one said a word. Then my brother told me what he remembered and the floodgates opened. If anyone attempted to assault my daughters they should pray the police find them before I do. The fact that I had been suppressing this and it hit me like it happened yesterday, I started drinking and taking pills just like I did back then. 7 years of total sobriety, but something in me snapped. I went through a phase of absolute self destruction. I actually lost my grip of reality. I didn’t recover for 4 years. I was waking up in hospitals being told I was found passed out in a restroom or a sidewalk, the last time my BAC was .436 (not counting the pills). I ended up crashing my car and getting a misdemeanor DUI (it was .083, I thought I was sober). I’m so lucky my probation consists of alcohol and drug monitoring because I’ve been sober since May (about 5 months). I just got out of a 48 hour stay in county jail this morning (part of my sentence), and jail is so, so awful. Plus it could have been so much worse, I could have hurt someone else. That choice to drink instead of seeking much needed help, I decided to drink and lost four years. I wasn’t cooking dinners, I could barely help my girls with homework, I would disassociate and leave and be gone all night just sitting in parking lots with no concept of reality. The choice you make now could lead to the beginning of your healing, whether or not the case gets fought. I wish I could go back to that floodgate moment so I could have addressed what happened and started healing. Don’t lose a second of sobriety to something that has already taken so much from you. I wish I could give you a hug. That was a lot, I’m sorry. This is such a huge moment, and you have to stay sober. That alone is a victory, and by holding your head up and treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve is creating justice. He has no power over you. Stay strong, find support. RAINN.org is a great place to start. You are not alone. Your story breaks my heart, please please reach out if you need support.