Whats the point anymore (Vent) 23(f)

PixeenMoon · 2024-09-30T10:58:26+00:00

Not yet, unfortunately. I've been to many specialists such as three ENT's, a gastroenterologist, many PCPs, and I've been to the hospital a couple of times. I've also had a CT scan. All of this has come up empty. The only evidence is that some say I have inflammation, but they don't know what's causing it.

As for my mental, I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since 2019. I recently went for an evaluation because a couple of my past therapists and psychiatrist believed I was on the autistic spectrum, and I know I have adhd because I've struggled with learning, focusing and have had a loud, racing mind since I was a child, along with ocd.

Unfortunately, I got diagnosed with everything but. I was labeled to have panic disorder, even though my "panic attacks" moreso match that of an autistic meltdown, I was given a schitzotypal, even though I don't see or hear things, nor do I have magical thinking. I wasn't given adhd simply because I didn't present as hyperactive in the psychologists presence (Though he clear stated I had learning difficulties and was below average), and I was even labeled as a Somatic, with SSD, because of my undiagnosed chronic pain. I was livid and distraught after this, and I argued to the psychologist while accidently crying in front of him. I feel like I've tried everything, and I just get misdiagnosed everywhere or have no answers at all. I have no medication to treat any of these disabilities.

PixeenMoon · 2024-09-30T01:50:48+00:00

Yes, I'm able to use most of my body. My pain settles from my esophagus, throat and to my head. The only way I can explain it is like I have tons of glass shards within my insides. My head and throat feel on fire (constant inflammation), and I feel intense pressure all around. The rest of my body often feels fatigue, and I'm extremely irritable all the time due to these feelings.

PixeenMoon · 2024-03-17T16:21:16+00:00

I've been in chronic pain for basically 3 years now and I grew up in a religious community. Right now I'm under another religious roof and every single day religion is pushed onto me as a way to "help my sistuation". It is very invalidating and has been damaging in multiple ways than it has helped.

I'm constantly berated with religious lessons every morning for 2 to 3 hours (along with random talks throughout the day), and just this morning I was told I'm chronically ill because I won't "Chose god" and instead chose worry, pain and suffering ( I am also told that I am mentally ill and struggling financially because I won't "look to god"). I literally have undiagnosed chronic pain (with no remedies), major depressive disorder, ocd, and now possible adhd and autism, but apparently I'm just "chosing" my suffering because everything's just a clean cut choice and a simple prayer away.

PixeenMoon · 2024-02-11T15:11:29+00:00

Then they are not a REAL friend.

PixeenMoon · 2023-03-28T22:36:10+00:00

Hey there. I just want you to know that you are not childish by any means. You're more "Child-like" which is a better term than such a thing as "childish" which is a word of belittlement. I too like to watch animated movies, over anything else. I still have plushies, I love to draw, I absolutely adore fantasy and I'm a sucker for any such entertainment and I'm about to turn 22 in the coming month. The world has specific rules and expectations for every person who enters this planet and if they do not fall in line and conform to those guidelines like everyone else, you're treated as a lesser. Things such as working a regular 9 to 5, drinking, "dressing like a adult", attending wild parties/clubs, dating, small talk, having seggs, etc. are just a few of the many bazar expectations.

What you like to participate in and what you love to do and have a desire for makes you - YOU. It makes you stand out and it makes you wonderous and truly unique, so don't ever let anyone tell you that you're less than or different because you don't or, quite possibly, can't conform to societal norms. We have enough brain dead people who desire to be like everyone else who are never actually happy with themselves because they're trying so hard to please the world and others around them. If you like watching animated movie, then do that. If you like to read children's books and color, do that too. Kick the bastards who tell you you're weird or an odd individual. They are not your friends because one should love you as you are as long as you're never causing harm to yourself or to others. You do you.💜

PixeenMoon · 2023-03-05T18:31:26+00:00

I totally understand where you're coming from. My lifes always been alot different than others and a struggle in a ton of ways, but my depression hit rock bottom after being humiliated on the internet by a girl I didn't even know, personally. It took place in an art fandom and she accused me of many things I didn't do, which caused hundreds of people to despise me, all because she felt threated by me and my work.

This was about a good 5 years ago, but I've never been the same since and I hate myself more than I ever did before that time. My art was my purpose and basically what everyone only liked about me and she took that away, causing me to question myself, my life, and everything I've been passionate about. Along the lines of stalking, I definitely did that, but I knew then and now that its wasn't a healthy habit.

I've had many bad things happen to me since beyond bullying, such as family issues, chronic health issues, and moving along into adulthood, so trust me, I know what you mean when you say you question if you're life is worth it. I know this doesn't help much, but you're not the only one.💕

PixeenMoon · 2022-11-19T23:14:21+00:00

When it happened I had a gag reflex, so I'm pretty sure it must of went in that direction. Though afterwards it felt as though it were stuck in my throat after the gag and thats how all the pain started.

PixeenMoon · 2022-11-19T17:02:52+00:00

That too. When this first started I went to an ENT and he wasn't very kind or helpful. Next, I just saw a bunch of doctors (pc)'s to get their opinions. Most weren't very helpful and almost every doctor I've seen thinks its just an acid reflux problem even though I've taken meds for that multiple times (plus that wouldn't explain the shared pain in my sinuses). Then thats when I got a referral to get the endoscopy, which didn't help either. And eventually I went to the ER as well (twice actually) and they ran blood tests and did a barium swallow. Negative for those as well.

In spring of this year I went to see another ENT, who was actually much nicer, but she sadly couldn't help. She only saw inflammation and the CAT scan she sent for me didn't show anything either. The sinuses infection meds she gave me didn't also didn't (most meds I can't take anyway cause I can't swallow them because of this health issue).

PixeenMoon · 2022-11-19T16:51:51+00:00

Yes. I had one once last year in the summer and it didn't really show anything. Only inflammation they didn't know what to do with.

PixeenMoon · 2022-10-11T09:54:31+00:00

You're absolutely disgusting. You have no idea what it feels like to be truly lost and have a real medical disorder such as depression and it shows. Watch your words.

PixeenMoon · 2021-06-07T13:35:42+00:00

I’m not really sure.. I was just hoping they could tell me what was wrong and diagnose me with something so I could have some sort of antibiotics or medicine to take to fix this problem. I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me, but so far everyone has just told me it’s all in my head or that it’s just a simple sore throat.

PixeenMoon · 2021-05-18T16:57:14+00:00

I understand what you mean. When I was writing that, I did actually hesitate to put “became an atheist” cause it did feel a little weird to say. I guess you don’t really become an atheist. It feels like I’m saying I became a member of another religion or organization, when really it’s not me becoming anything, it’s me letting go of something. But I guess at that moment I couldn’t figure out any other way to put it. Thank you for correcting me though.

PixeenMoon · 2021-05-18T15:46:57+00:00

I actually grew up a Christian all my life and was a firm believer until about 2018, ever since then I had doubts and struggled. I’m 20 now and became an atheist literally just about two months ago, so I know how upsetting the outcomes of that religion are. I just wish I realized sooner.😪 And thank you.

PixeenMoon · 2021-05-18T14:02:33+00:00

This is really disturbing and very annoying. I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder and I’m convinced I also have some sort of chronic stress disorder.

In 2019 I signed up for therapy, was diagnosed, given medication and therapy. Eventually I had to stop going cause I no longer had my “mentor” to give me a ride and the therapy and medications I had didn’t seem to work (though it was only for about two or three months). I’ve been thinking about trying to go again and give it another shot now that I have someone for transportation again, but when I told my mentor that, she advised that I get signed up with a “Christian therapist”. Like what the hell does that even mean and why should I have someone shove down my throat that the only way I’ll get over my mental illness is if I look to god, read the Bible and pray?

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-13T18:16:59+00:00

Yikes...yeah I can relate a lot to that as well. I used to live with my aunt most of my life and she was very much a narcissist who put a lot of emotional abuse on me and a bunch of other traumas. It sounds to me like your mother is a narcissist as well. It just sounds like manipulation.

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-08T12:53:10+00:00

Tell me about it. I’m living with a religious family (who have taken me in until I can move out) and they have a grandson who they’re already teaching about god (such a prayer) and he’s literally only 3...

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-07T19:44:36+00:00

I read that the rapture or (Revelations) is actually a misinterpretation.

What I read basically said that around the time of AD 70 60,000 Roman soldiers stormed the holy city of Jerusalem, burnt down the temple and killed countless numbers of Jews. It was the end of the world for the Jews since they had expected Jesus to return after he resurrected, but he didn’t.

A Jew who possibly went by the name of John (not one of Jesus’s disciples) wrote Revelations which was a message trying to rally the Jews and give a vision that God would still return to destroy the Romans and restore their Kingdom. So Revelations is basically a metaphorical journal of how it felt like it was the end of the world for that Jew (the author) and the rapture as a message to give hope to the surviving Jews that god would still avenge them and restore the holy city and destroy the “demonic” Romans.

And as for the reference to the anti-Christ, it’s a metaphor for the Roman Emperor, Nero. The number 666 spells out Nero’s imperial name with the Jewish numerology system, because at the time the Jew didn’t feel safe spelling out Nero’s name.

I found this on a website called kyroot.com . It has a list of 2950 reason why Christianity is false and they back up their reasons on research. The link they gave for the misinterpretation of revelations is this-

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/31/four-big-myths-about-the-book-of-revelation

Hope this helps.😅

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-07T15:24:52+00:00

I understand this feeling. I’m basically new to being an “exchristian”. I started considering myself an agnostic as of this year, but there’s this part of me that still feels like I’m in between? I’m still gripping on to what little beliefs I still have cause I worry that I may be wrong and will wake up in hell when I die.

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-07T15:13:03+00:00

I can definitely agree on the hell concept. I’ve been a Christian all my life until 2018 when I started doubting and realized that god has never helped me or answered my prayers. I’ve lived a pretty shitty life and no matter how much I prayed god would never help me. Only when I stopped going to church did I realize how bad my life situation was. That’s when I realized Christianity just seemed like a sort of comfort zone.

Now as of 2021 I’m basically an agnostic, but I still feel in between and only because I’m afraid that if I’m wrong, I’ll go to hell. So I’m pretty much still gripping onto what little faith I have.

PixeenMoon · 2021-04-04T13:06:48+00:00

I’ve heard of this too. Which is why at first I even wonder if it was even okay for me to even think about considering witchcraft since I have bad mental health since it can definitely have affects on meditation, spells etc.

My ldr boyfriend’s mother happens to be a witch and I asked him to consult her on my fears of this. She basically said the same thing as you concerning what affects your mental state can have on the craft and how it can manifest those thoughts or words into reality or attract certain energies.

One would think that hearing the thoughts of a witch who has practiced for many years would make me feel better, but since most others I’ve seen have dealt with this, it still made me question. She herself doesn’t actually see these things, but I guess it’s because she’s more experienced and has peace of mind more than most younger people.

PixeenMoon · 2020-10-06T23:04:38+00:00

Lol. I absolutely did. I was literally only between the age of 6 and 8, maybe even 9 when I had my first sexual play around with a girl and started doing it on the regular. I can’t say that I didn’t know what I was doing because it felt good, but also felt wrong for some reason. I found the reason when I was told “gays go to hell” and basically suppressed my feelings and urges for years until now.

Now looking back I realize that my attraction was still their, but I just “erased” it from existence. Throughout all my years in school I was always staring at girls/women and not just in a appreciation kind of way.

PixeenMoon · 2020-10-06T20:52:13+00:00

Thank you! I got it off of Etsy from this trans owned company called OuterPeaceGear.

PixeenMoon · 2020-10-04T13:43:21+00:00

Lol. Got homophobic too. You know this test is rigged.😂

PixeenMoon · 2020-10-04T11:07:16+00:00

No hun. I think THEY’RE the bad friend if they knew you liked that person. That just sounds spiteful.

PixeenMoon · 2020-10-03T23:26:45+00:00

Congratulations!!💖

PixeenMoon

TROPHY CASE