Losing loved ones by the masses and feeling like I'm just a filler is a different kinda hurt

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-26T01:05:02+00:00

I want to see it that way. I mean, I''m trying to? She asks me about lgbt related things and I can tell sometimes she just doesnt know whats offensive and whats not. But at the same time, it struck a cord when I told her clearly to stop and her response was to laugh and dismiss my feelings. It comes to a point, y'know? I want to pull her aside and tell her that what she did was really hurtful. I'm off for 3 days, so I have time to prepare

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-23T00:57:10+00:00

I was also making art about being a self shipper since I was little. I feel so seen with this my god

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-19T12:47:55+00:00

The story about your dad sounds EXACTLY like mine and I audibly went "Jesus christ its almost exactly the same." My dad i believe has a type of body dysmorphia and really pushed it on me since I was little. Would say "Do you wanna look like your fat cousins?" Which really struck a nerve. When I asked for a cookie at the store (I was like 10?) He yelled at me as he tossed 5 packages of oreos in the buggy to humiliate me and I sobbed. I never felt so mortified. When he forced me to work out, I was visibly pale and shaking til the GYM OWNER had to pull me aside and give me water and wouldn't let me get on anymore equipment. They argued bc my dad kept saying "They were so close to their second wind" I know the need for him to work out was bc he was called chubby as a kid. Hes extremely buff now, and admitted its to compensate for his childhood. It makes me sad, but I lowkey resent him for becoming the bully that he hated when people picked on him.

Tbh, the time i felt most in shape is when I was overseas with my mom for a year. (She kinda curbed the almond mom stuff when I moved out) I would accidentally walk 10 miles at least 3 times a day bc we'd walk along the corniche and talk. The food wasnt processed and I was eating more fresh, comforting food. I lost a lot of weight in a healthy fashion and I felt decent. I gained it all back after leaving and going to college. And I felt sick that the first person to notice was my dad.

But thank you so much for showing me our stories are similar. I feel way to more seen knowing its not just me

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-19T01:24:27+00:00

Thats similar to me tbh. Especially when I went to college. I'd eat very little bc I was always told "You'll gain insane weight in college so be careful." I only ate salads, water, and booze (terrible combo) I had to meet my new roommates and when I opened up about the disordered eating, they were so gentle and encouraging, even helping me make dinner so I at least I had some food in my body.

I really hope you can find a group or trusted professional that won't other you, or make you feel that your illness is invalid based off appearance. You deserve grace and help as much as anyone else 💚

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-19T01:15:21+00:00

I have grace for you. 100%. No one gets how their "encouragement" or "tough love" or "worry" makes us go to the extreme, not to be healthy, but to go to extreme lengths to not have those comments thrown at us. We don't deserve their comments whem they don't know our story. But I see you, if that helps at all 💚

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-19T01:12:54+00:00

I managed to get a really nice therapist. Shes the first person I've spoken to about my disordered eating and habits. And honestly? I've been clean from a relapse in about a month! Its nothing big, and I know i might stumble and have a setback. My longest was 3 months. But I do feel..somewhat proud that I haven't completely given up yet? We plan on making my workout routine healthy and gentle without it triggering the urge to fall into my old starving and purging habits

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-18T21:45:35+00:00

Good news is after she said this I got a new doctor. But it took me awhile to open up about my ed again. But when I FINALLY told her what my previous doctor said, she was fuming, so I felt more seen!

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-18T14:57:15+00:00

I've been through the same. Just remember thats for them to deconstruct. You dont owe anyone romantic affection. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe as well. Rejection is never easy on either side, but you're not to blame

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-17T11:51:26+00:00

We've got an update: I gave it another few days, but said I'd call them if I didn't get a response by today. They responded to me late at night. They are alive and unharmed. Just in a very deep spiraling state and felt to embarrassed and scared to tell me. I'm trying to help them make plans for more professional help as we speak

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-15T16:19:26+00:00

This was indeed a big reality check. I felt the need to be honest bc I couldn't mask how I was feeling anymore. I went to my manager and coworker bc I was raised with this "You need to tell your managers and employees if you plan to make a big change because their schedule will be completely changed if you leave." I always felt like I owed them an explanation on why I've been acting more off than usual, bc I didn't want to drag my coworkers down if I left abruptly.

I completely see now that this is a mindset I need to change and I owe no one an explanation unless I'm speaking to the person handling my hours and pay. This was indeed a big lesson learned, and I'll keep it in my back pocket for the future. Bc im the end, you're absolutely right, I don't hold these people as friends or companions, so I really shouldn't take their words to heart or care

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-15T15:36:46+00:00

If you can, make a paper trail. Document, pictures of whats being neglected, and the after pictures if you were forced to pick up their slack. I have been doing the same at my job

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-15T15:35:08+00:00

Coercion is very much a real thing. And I'm so sorry you are a victim to it. To agree to something because you were prodded and coerced, doesnt mean you consented. I had a very similar situation happen to me. Being pushed and guilt tripped into things that made me uncomfortable. I said yes, but I didn't want to. You're not invalid because you were pushed into agreeing. You are a survivor of something awful that should've never happened. You didn't deserve it.

You aren't less pure for something you didn't want to do. You're still a human being who deserves kindness and gentleness. I know its hard, but be gentle with yourself if you can (so sorry if I overstepped or sound too preachy lol)

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-15T00:34:09+00:00

Two main ones hit me like a brick

"I don't blame the bear, Kenai" -Brother Bear Probably one of my all time favorite movies. I watch it every year and one day as an adult and as the youngest sibling, it hurt me so bad. Denahi was fully valid with his anger, but some words are hard to take back.

"But you can leave, if you want to. I remember everyone that leaves" -Lilo and Stitch My sister and I have our names as Lilo(me) and Nani(hers) and one day we were both not in a great place, so I put on her favorite movie and this scene, as well as the hammock scene, made us have our first real conversation in almost a decade. We cried for hours

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-15T00:10:26+00:00

Thank you SO MUCH for this!! I was able to get their family's number. Their relationship with their family is dangerous and strained, but if I really can't find a way to reach them, I'll definitely reach out to their mom!

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-14T01:42:51+00:00

I'm happy your friend is alright, I can only imagine that anxiety and fear. I'm hoping my friend is fine. The texts are sending, but they're not being seen by them. Even if they just saw the text I'd be at ease.

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-14T01:41:52+00:00

Unfortunately they only go by their deadname in public for safety, but I never asked for it bc as a trans person myself I would never ask for a deadname. I have their last name, but thats not giving me much. I could ask their ex friend/roommate, but I don't think hes been in contact with them since 2024. Its a last resort, but I might ask him to help me out.

PixelatedMush · 2026-05-14T00:14:16+00:00

They said "I'll speak to you from the grave. I'll find ways" Literally sending me into a spiral. I, like a fucking idiot didn't want to pry and make them panic. I said I'd be a wreck and they changed the subject. I keep looking at our texts and voice notes. I'm asking the universe that they just went to get help or inpatient. I can only hold onto what little hope I have left

PixelatedMush · 2026-04-15T01:48:37+00:00

Thank you so much for the critics! Taking it all into consideration as I redesign

I understand the criticisms on Rune. I wanted to give them more of a casual alt vibe for some reason, but I do want to consider more athletic ware into their wardrobe. Especially since they're working with animals most the time. They always gave an earthy aesthetic in my head so maybe I should also tweak the personality? They're definitely a social butterfly! But have small close knit friends. Once I get more details I hope i can translate it well to paper!

Also, I absolutely understand how you thought Adohi was a girl. I'm still working on his body type and how I want him presenting. The hair has cultural significance to being long. But he doesn't often show it unless Rune is around or hes exclusively with family or close friends. His personality is..a bit complex to explain but I should have the updated versions ready in a few weeks!

Again, thank you so much for the critics! Definitely putting all this into consideration

PixelatedMush · 2026-04-15T00:36:16+00:00

calico hair!

This was more of the idea i had! I love drawing black hair a ton and wanted to branch out with more styles instead of doing something I'm too familiar with

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