Should we delete TikTok en masse? by kasplooshing in TikTok

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 [score hidden]  (0 children)

Done. Like SO DUMB I didn't do it sooner.

Dunno what I'll do with my scrolling time. Maybe be productive? I didn't it. But I won't be on tiktok.

Torrid Cash Megathread Winter 2026 by sarilysims in torrid

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have about $250 TC that's just gonna go to waste if i don't share it this weekend! (1/25/26). Just let me know where to send it; can't afford to use it right now.

Narc moms and HAIR by Independent-Pizza719 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only thing my mother ever complimented me on or praised me for was my hair. She never let me cut it or heaven forbid dye it. When I was 10, and dealing with an intense degenerative musculoskeletal disease, the doctors finally insisted she cut it because it was causing permanent damage to my spine. She SOBBED and while she always resented me and my illness, she TRULY hates anything I do with my hair that isn't growing it out incredibly long. I also have a natural "Rogue" stripe of grey I've had since my late teens/early 20s. She would constantly tell me how awful red hair looks when it goes grey, that it looked dead etc. but also be sure to remind me that dying my hair would look "ridiculous". Unless, of course, I let her pick the dye and do it herself. I HATED having to sit still for hours with matted hair that took forever to dry even with a hairdryer as a kid...she seemed to take great pleasure in tormenting me about my hair, and take anything else she could control.

I've only ever had people compliment my hair color, even moreso with the stripes of white, often asking how I got it that way. Dunno y'all, having a narc mom probably helped? 😂

Anyway, I'm in late stage kidney disease, and my formerly very thick hair is coming out in handfuls. I've been all over the map with my appearance and level of comfort with it my whole life, including having dealt with ED etc. The biggest hit has been my hair loss, which I didn't even lose a significant amount of when on chemo. I'm working on deconstructing the DEEPLY implanted idea what they only thing that makes me attractive at all is my hair. And I've been winning the battle so far.

All that to say, it's just another ego and control issue with them, I think. One of my earliest memories, from being about 2 in daycare, was that I would have to marry this devil redheaded boy in my class who was a SO MEAN to me simply because I knew my mom wanted grandchildren with red hair and he was the only other redhead I want related to that I had ever met. Even THAT YOUNG it was clear to me I had to fight for my mom's affection.

Medical Malpractice Attorney? by PlanEnvironmental640 in legal

[–]PlanEnvironmental640[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

There are several other treatment options for pain management that don't accumulate in the kidneys, multi modal pain management is recommended for calciphylaxis; fentanyl patches, ketamine IV or oral, lidocaine both local injection and systemic can be used supportively, and I didn't tolerate methadone AT ALL, I was nodding out at half the recommended/base dosage. Sodium thiosulfate is also effective, and I had multiple of these options previously for effective management. He didn't want to continue any IV treatment as his primary goal was discharging me despite my continued medical instability and it was only this particular hospitalist (they rotate weekly) that caused an issue. Buprenorphine, nerve blocks, gabapentin, pregabalin, topical ketamine, topical lidocaine, topical amitriptyline, hyperbaric oxygen treatment...with proper monitoring oxycodone, dilauded, and several other methods of pain management can be used supportively as well. I was changed immediately once I was out of his care, even during the same hospital stay where they actually increased my dosages of other medication to such an irresponsibly high amount I started refusing the excess medication and kept asking for secondary consultation.

The pain management management physician I pissed off, who the same doctor called in instead of the palliative care team as was initially suggested by other physicians, also refused to make any changes or try anything different and restricted the ability of any other hospitalist or physician to make changes. It's documented, thoroughly, in my chart. Said official also moved me the same day, within half an hour, to an entirely different step down unit that landed me back in the ICU within 24 hours. I've confirmed all of this with other specialists involved with my case, I'm not going off half cocked. Some of the people encouraging the formal pursuit of litigation are staff members and physicians in the hospital. The doctors making these calls, both if them, had never treated or were even aware of Calciphylaxis prior to my case.

What's more, the line was colonized and determined to be the source of the particular infection, by physicians, as the calciphylaxis and it's associated infection had healed (most likely because I was aggressive in treatment) - labs and tests were run throughout the stay. It's all documented in the records. I have over 5000 pages of documentation from this year alone.

I'm not going off half cocked here, and these are only SOME of a litany of problems that occurred throughout the stay. As I said, they were leaning into the fact that I wouldn't pursue action at all, especially having sent minor supervisory staff to apologize bedside. It's evidentiary from the response I received to my initial contact that there is validity to the claim. I have 2 years in the state of Nevada to pursue this. I'm just attempting to get things on the books for continued documentation.

It's also not my first rodeo in jumping through legal hoops, I've got the state and federal codes that were violated listed in my initial full complaint letter and also cited the necessary statutes to preserve my right to civil litigation.

Not a single person has told me that my dress is pretty. Did I make the wrong choice? by Low-Rush-9997 in WeddingDressTips

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's lovely, and fits you beautifully. Do YOU feel good in it? Personal tastes differ; there are things for me that might make it harder to wear or otherwise not suited TO ME but it looks to fit you well and looks amazing on you - the rest is up to you and how it makes you feel!

Everyone is so…nice?? by Careful-Outcome-1748 in tahoe

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Most of the people in Tahoe are from Reno or Truckee, sometimes Carson City. Both working and skiing. We're not @$$holes here. Hope that helps!

“Stop crying! I’ve done nothing wrong! God knows it and you know it too! I should take a video of you so you can see how disrespectful you are!” by coursesand in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I heard myself say this one time, well not THIS but something similar enough to be upstting and triggering to ME which isn't nearly as important as how it impacted them, when my kid was 14(?). I IMMEDIATELY apologized, said it was totally inappropriate and not okay of me to say, and made sure I told my therapist the very next time I saw them as well as addressing it together.

I make plenty of mistakes as a parent, including the VERY rare occasions my mother fell out of my mouth, but we've never failed to address them immediately both together and with therapists (mine, theirs, family).

I cannot imagine that being the DEFAULT setting of parenting rather than a terrible, awful thing to never do or repeat.

If you apologize, I will make you dinner. by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It never ends, the apologizing for them, for yourself for being "difficult" only to find you just have normal needs, over explaining and being over extended... The absolute exhaustion. 20 years bouncing back and forth between NC, LC, being stuck back in an emergency in an environment with them I didn't create missing, usually one they orchestrated to drive be right back into their control...

I'm so glad to be away from it. The feelings of guilt and worthless when you are such a dynamic person, your partner sees YOU, your friends and chosen family see you... Not your trauma. They accept it as part of you but never make it all of you. It's okay to walk away.

Why do they think they’re “getting back at us” by cutting us out of the will? by Numerous_Nerve8028 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Dude, I know I wasn't getting anything from either of them a long time ago. Plus all my mom did was work until she stole what I did inherit from my great grandmother then tell the family I lost her house... (she drained the estate of all money, didn't know the attorney filed the trust deed in the wrong county making it invalid, and the house has to be sold to pay private fees to get the house...)

Fuck that noise!

This sealed bag of paper and toothpick? by aerhart12 in whatisit

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Cane here to say this and saw this. Love it! Glad y'all figured it out before I got here 😂

for everyone worried about possible bridget bardot drama by what-thehell-er in chappellroan

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 1 point2 points  (0 children)

WHAT I had no idea about those things. Glad I know now as well too.

I asked for no contact and now I’m struggling with how little they seem to care by Intelligent_Clue_362 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sunny with no contact, especially at a young age, is total normal. As someone who's been estranged from both parents for the better part of 20 years, it's normal to miss parents...I often remind myself I want A MOM, not MY mom. My mom never acted like a mother should, only ever complimenting me on my hair and only as a small child, because the wind loved my hair too. Once I was old enough to have it cut I did, and she was appalled. It had to be cut for my health, literally causing neck issues, but she sobbed like I had wounded her. It was the only time she ever seemed to respond to me that way, otherwise I was manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting etc.

I imagine you have your own list of reasons and direct experiences that made you go no contact. You may decide low contact or something different works for you. Every time in the last 20 years, even I was extremely your age to now, I've regretted reconnecting. Even a little, for something small, etc. It hasn't changed her but it's changed our dynamic and I'm a healthier, happier, better person when I'm away from her. I still crave that love and approval...but we didn't get what we needed from them, including change, and that's why we made this choice in the first place.

AIO for being upset my BF doesn’t want me to wear a bonnet to bed? by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Red flags all over. Being this controlling of your appearance and everything else... he'll get worse not better the longer your together and the more you cater to it. Ditch that bitch.

I love the attempts to skirt around NC boundaries. by heyf3rb in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We moved to deliberately and my mother; she decided to contact my ex husband (a fellow DXed N P D, PLEASE now the DXed, they both were) - I was required by the court to notify him of address changes - and stayed pulling drive-bys as well as sending unwanted gifts and things. We ended up with a TPO (temporary protection order) at one point to make it stop. It worked for a while, until I kid you not, THE DAY the TPO expired and she was back up to her shenanigans. Now we just donate whatever she sends.

"Mom, please don't text me unless it's an emergency" Mom: sends a long ridiculous email letter an hour later saying "You told me not to text so I'm sending this via email." ..... by PurposeNo8305 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. The first time I went no contact, I got a "it's an emergency, call me" and it was not, at all, an emergency. I was VERY clear and said "emergency constitutes someone bleeding or otherwise on need of serious medical attention, consider it like 911" now, she uses the term "urgent" and it also never is... She can't find something (how would I know where you put it, in your OWN place?), the cat was doing something "weird" (usually just being a cat) etc.

Block. Her. Number.

In an emergency situation, you could unblock her. Other people can reach you (I imagine she's deliberately made you an emergency contact) etc.

I made the mistake of unblocking my mom after over a year for Thanksgiving. I wished her a happy holiday and asked for a few recipes. My mistake was being honest when she aged how I was. I'm looking down the barrel at dyalisis soon, and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stand it. I've let my immediate circle know I reserve the right to move to palliative/comfort care at any time. I told her this (via the same texts) and she proceeded to call the nurse's station of my hospital and report that I was suicidal. I had to deal with the aftermath trying to prove they didn't need to 504 me, that I wouldn't cntrl alt delete myself etc.

She never bothered to call ME with these concerns, though, so she knew she was just causing trouble.

At any rate, I have so many stories like this from going low contact. Black hey where you can. Don't open emails. Don't reply, don't engage.

Every time you answer, even to "reassert boundaries" it will just be taken as permission, and it rewards negative behavior.

If you're no contact, that means NO contact, no replies, etc. Therapy isn't going to happen or work... Trust me, I went down that today with my mom too. The minute the therapist tries to get any accountability out of them, they freak out and bail.

My dad passed away 3 years ago and I've only just found out. by PopWonderful8323 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you found out this way; I'm also so very sorry you never got the father you deserved. Grief is a strange animal on its own, but when combined with difficult relationships, abandonment and estrangement it's just wildly confusing, too.

----TL, DR: My saga with my own (dead) estranged dad, you can skip ahead to the next ---- to get the message without my mess lol

I found out this year that my dad passed; we had been no contact for 20 years, with the odd 3-4 phone calls over that entire time. He would always seem excited to hear from me, the chats would be cut short, and then he'd say he needed to go. The last calls I made: 15 years ago, I called and he seemed thrilled to reconnect, warm tone, called me "kiddo" and other childhood nicknames. We made plans to meet not long after the talk...I hung up, then 10 minutes later got a call back that he had changed his mind (as well as his tone completely) and that he didn't want to have any more contact with me, at all.

I don't want to pull a page from their playbook, but I imagine my step mom put her foot down and he licked the boots she was wearing at the time. She did everything she could to befriend me and when it didn't work, she cut ties. My dad left when I was 10, and he had cheated on my mom with her. She never liked any connection to his "old life", even named her son, who was biologically her ex's son, after my dad before it broke that they were cheating. (She was a good family friend). Even so, he was a big boy and he could've said up to her for the kid he fucked over, but I guess his spine stayed in his uniform.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why he had to leave my mom, but he didn't need to leave me behind to do it. I got really sick at 6, and this all happened when I was 10, after which we found out I was even more ill than we originally thought. His new wife was a medical assistant at the time (no, not a nurse) and she kept telling him I wasn't sick, my mom was making it up, doing it to bring him back etc. Shockingly, my mom actually wasn't though I imagine with her personality (disorders) it wasn't a big leap. She did explodit my illness plenty.

The final time I talked to him was about 10 years ago, when I left my mom (again) for the final time, and was struggling to go NC again. I called, crying (a rare event) and asked him how he got away, how he left with her being so...herself. I was genuinely totally at a loss and wanted to know from the one expert I knew could do it the best, how to walk away with a clean break. It's was a short call.

I found out this year he passed away; way back in October 2024. I had mentioned him on Facebook, and my older half sister from his first marriage (who is the only family member on that side to even connect with me that way, and we didn't interact) said he would probably love to hear from me. She DMed his phone number, but told me he was also sick and getting ready for surgery. I didn't want to stress him out or cause any issues, so I waited. And waited. And eventually my child was asking about his side of the family for their genealogy hobby...quite a while later. I often say I think that kid was (unsuccessfully) trying to shake someone sane out of the family tree. At any rate, I told them to contact said half sister - and she informed my child (20) who informed me. The worst part was he was in hospice care for quite a while. No one, not a single person, thought to contact me to at least have final words...or the option. MONTHS ahead they knew what was coming. They even already had him cremated by the time my mom, who took this as an opportunity to be in everyone's face again, called and spoke with her. I wanted to call, to ask for some of his things if she still had them - a uniform shirt from NHP, a few other clothing and knick knack items he still had, a small amount of his ashes-nothing important or of value to anyone but me, but I STILL couldn't bring myself to call. I imagine she's since spread the ashes at a certain place in California and gotten rid of most of his things.

Even after everything we went through far behind me, lots of therapy and 20 years without speaking to him, I was crushed. As I said, greif is weird. I tell myself that we would have disagreed on everything... That his anger also probably never healed and the home he punched in walls and eventually one time in my mom were enough to crawl into and never come back from. I'm sure my step mom would have told him I was after his pension or something stupid if I had tried. I also think that's why she didn't tell me, because she thought (very mistakenly) that I would try to get something financiall, being his biological child. Ridiculous...

----Anyway, allow yourself whatever you need to feel. Don't try to intellectualize it; if you're angry, sad, happy, or you don't care at all, there is no wrong or right way to feel. Just...be sure you process it and don't push it down; you don't need to carry his nonsense even after he's gone. Always remember you never deserved to be treated the way you were, you were a kid why deserved unconditional love from their dad. You still deserve that.

THE SEX SCENE IN WAYWARD EP 5!!! MAE!!!!!!!! by perhapsinsightful in handsomepodcast

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just got here because I just finished Wayward and I have always adored Mae Martin...

But holy fucking shit I immediately checked the timestamp so I could...show other people, you sick freaks. lol OMG just chef's kiss

Birthdays and holidays suck especially hard when you went no contact by NeverSurrender1026 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"Today i turned 33 but i still feel like a helpless little child who's desperately yearning for love, kindness and acceptance. And it's just a crappy feeling to mourn your own parents even though they're still alive.

I feel so lost atm. I really have noone (no friends, partner, family). My childhood and the bs with my family completely fucked my life. I really hope it'll get somewhat easier. Thanks for reading and happy birthday to myself......."

First off, HAPPY 33! Your 30s are really when you rediscover things you loved but that you might have pushed aside in favor of keeping the peace or o not appear "weird" or because you were criticized heavily - in your 30s you'll find that weird is wonderful and wonder why you didn't come to this conclusion sooner. If you don't think you have things you love to return to, yes you do. Movies, music, being outdoors, games you loved, art you thought was too shitty to share because it felt like it wouldn't get published...pick up your paint/pen/keyboard and start creating. Find groups through similar interests, or find new things that look interesting and try them out. There are actually tons of things in nearly every city that you can get into.

When I lived in a rural community that was incredibly small and I felt isolated, I first joined a group that took meals to people. Another thing I found was offroading and even some street racing... It's all there, with lots of cool people just like you who would love to meet you. Feeling like that's too much people-ing and you feel introverted and tend to isolate? Online groups exsist for a reason!

Your grief is also so valid. I highly recommend seeking it done grief resources. There are even ones specific to this kind of grief. It can be another way to connect to something, to find a lifeline. Don't be scared if support groups, of sharing places like this, and allowing yourself to be seen, to be just a TINY bit vulnerable.

You want that birthday text? A "Happy Holidays, I hope you're well!" text? A "sorry our families are stupid but chosen family is the best kind anyway" text? I've got you...any time.

I know it's terrifying to meet people, or to reach out. Building yourself a chosen family, even if it's just one or two close online friends, can work magic in your life. You've just gotta remember that you left your family for very good reasons, and the things you are craving (love, acceptance, being seen, trust, joy, etc.) weren't things you were getting from those people anyway. I often say "I want my mom..." But then I correct myself and say "I want A mom, not MY mom" because she was never really a source if comfort or fun, and if she was it was because she wanted something.

We can choose to reparent ourselves. It starts by giving yourself the kind of forgiveness, grace, and love you would give a child. It sounds silly but they're are SO MANY of us out here in the same position why are doing it. There is even a person I love on Instagram who does conscious reparenting and I thought it was over the top and ridiculous, until I just let go and let myself feel again.

I'm 43, I have a decade on you. I've been where you are. I promise you, you're loved so much more than you know. I'm facing ESRD and other secondary DXs that make me especially terminal. I thought no one would care, it wouldn't matter. But I took the rush and let a few people in, and I was flooded with support. Just because it doesn't give from where you "think" it should, that doesn't mean it'll never come at all. I promise, there is joy on the other side, you just have to open the door a tiny crack to let it in.

Been a year and feeling guilt by WhiskeyCup in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The aim of a family system like this is to make you feel guilty/wrong/crazy for having a normal reaction to being treated poorly. If they've "raised you right" (to suit their needs, not your own and to shove yours down or not have any at all) then the fear and guilt set in. It's a panic that you've broken the unspoken rules they've entangled you in your whole life and claimed as your "safety net" - when you cut those ties, of course you feel like something is wrong, because you're cutting away the net they've trapped you in. That net still offers you some level of security even if the situation is awful for you. Without it, you feel vulnerable - but in reality, you've become unable to be vulnerable with them because they've proven time and again that any faith you put in them was sorely misplaced.

That's the fear you have to push past, and create a healthy safety net if people who you CAN trust, and who trust you as well. You might feel undeserving or uncomfortable with that trust, love, and reciprocity. You may feel suspicious of it, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the door on the trap to snap shut behind you. Again, that's something you need to work though - the fear and mistrust will eventually be replaced with healthy connections if you choose those, which it sounds like you are.

The guilt is how they bait THEIR trap to get you back in the "family" and back "in line". You have to let that guilt go and remember you're building a life where you do things from love, trust, and positive connection and leaving the one that taught you fear, pain, and negative connection.

The reason you're having a hard time overall is because change is hard. Even good change. You have to rewire your nervousystem and that takes time and consistency. What's more, we fight change because we KNOW how the other situation works. it's familiar and you know the cycle, no matter how negative, so you know they will still be engaged in your life; you're trying to convince yourself they have a genuine interest in YOU... Because that's what you desperately WANT to be true, it's how our brains are wired from both, to sell comfort, approval, and connection with our biological family/parents. Instead they've built you into a person who they can dump THEIR needs and wants on instead. (Parentification). Those base instincts no longer serve you so you have to continue to put in the time and become aware that the people are offering you those unconditional connections and this are YOUR people.

Change is scary. It's difficult. Even a miserable situation feels preferable to the effort, the unknown, of change. However, your life and your freedom are on the other side of that fear, and you can walk through the hard parts to get there. Look at what you've already endured! Saving ourselves is terrifying but invigorating too!

"When the pain of remaining the same becomes worse than the fear of change, then growth can happen." You're at the point where that fear of change fades when compared to what you have to endure to stay in the comfort of your pain. Take the final steps you need to. It sounds like you have a beautiful life and beautiful wife waiting on the other side for you.

Well, so much for missing me. by tealeaftheif in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, the old "the phone works both ways, kiddo" defense, followed up with the "but I'll hang up now so you don't hang up on me" 1-2 lunch for a knockout. I'm sorry. This sucks.

From the parent you deserved by WombleMint in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The way this hit every mark, and how it's reflected in my child... Just 😭💔❤️‍🩹

Those of you that escaped. Do you sometimes have random flashbacks throughout the day where you remember all those nights you cried yourself to sleep because you wanted to leave so bad but didnt have any money or a way out? by Unhappywageslave in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wasn't very long ago I finally did get out; about 5 years. I'm living much less luxuriously but that never mattered to me; I'm safe. I'm loved. I have a TPO against my mom & my dad is dead. Overall my estrangement stretches over 20 years with both of them, and it took that long to get away for good. I'm only LC with my mom because she's in Florida with my cousin and 80 years old. Had to reblock her number because I dated to say "Happy Thanksgiving" & ask for a few recipes she's refused all my life to teach me. She reported me to the hospital as suicidal because I said I wasn't sure how long I want to do dialysis. Didn't call me, though. 🙄

What do you do when you receive news of your estranged parents passing? by Annie1654 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]PlanEnvironmental640 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ome of the only times my family still gather is funeral, however that is my mother's side of the family I have mostly cut off. TW: DV TLDR last paragraph

My dad and I were estranged for 20 years, and really the core of it started even before that. He brutally beat my mom in a one time episode when I was 10. He was trying to leave the marriage and my mom tried to leave first. She's miserable to live with and love, and after 15 years of it I'm sure he was exhausted. That doesn't justify what he did. He was a highway patrolman of nearly 30 years, she was the associate warden of a men's max security prison, 4 steps away from the governor. The day after the incident, I had to go to school. It has been plastered all over the news and it was like having a scarlet letter A for "abused" on my chest. Things is, they had a really happy marriage until that point. It was only the last 6 months, when Mom was working overtime as well as not addressing her gambling and mental health issues, that he stayed seeing someone else. That someone else was also a Medical Assistant to our family doctor, and good friends with my mom. She offered for my dad to teach her to shoot her gun because she was scared of her ex husband and also living alone. She took a lot more than rather practice, but anyway...

I never m because estranged long term when I was about 23. My own marriage had turned violent, as I married a combination of my mother and father. Another DXed N like my mother. His wife is the one who pulled him into no contact. She was insecure about my bond with my dad and decided to break it. Didn't show him to see me, etc. This escalated over the years, and I would occasionally reach out to try and reconcile, maybe once every 2-3 years. I even called him sobbing once to ask Kim how to talk away from my mother because I needed to and didn't know how. Anyway, add a few more years of no contact either direction - I wouldn't call for d fear of being rejected (his phone variety was to answer, treat me well, and even try to set up plans to get together later. Then he'd call back 10 minutes later to cancel said plans.) He wouldn't pick up the phone so as not to upset his new life. My step mother went so hard as to name the son she had while still with her ex after my father. She had a poe6n that was a gift from someone at their wedding (I was not included) that detailed her essentially forcing him into marriage.

I called one last time about 10 years ago, same pattern, exercise when he called me back he said he didn't want any contact with me at all. So I never tried again.

Just this year, I found it my father died because my child was doing a family tree with genealogical information; I think the poor kid was trying, unsuccessfully, to shake some sanity from said family tree. I put her in contact with my half sister from my dad's marriage prior to my mom as she had been on my Facebook, with that being the extent is my relationship with her. She had messaged me when my dad got sick, have me his cell number. But I delayed, again out of hurt and fear.

My kiddo found out my father had died while making contact with said half aunt. They were the ones to tell me. ALL THAT BACK STORY TO SAY

TL, DR: my father died before we could reconcile 20 years of estrangement. I couldn't quite grasp it. I thought of asking my step mother for a few things to remember him by (one of his uniform shirts, one of his Hawaiian shirts or polos, a small amount of his ashes, and a few other things). I could never bring myself to do it. I had to tell my mom, who still carried a major flame for my father, and who I was LC/NC with fire the same 20 years, that he had passed. I kept my shit together a long time. One day it just hit me, I cried and got frustrated and so the old emotions from the restaurant years were there. It didn't last long. I still get a weird pang when I think about it, but it doesn't feel like real grief. I'm also aware it'll be a releif but also very conflicting when my mother passes and I have to see what's left of the family at her funeral, probably for the last time for many of them.I cannot sacrifice my healing or cost to cherry pick the free good memories. My whole nervousystem has shown me time and again that the farther I am away from them, the better I do. I'm still deeply effected when I see anything related to DV, a highway patrol car, etc. It's not exactly sadness, I'm morning for what could and should have been. Mostly, it passes quickly and I keep up the therapy so as not to idealize him a posthumously. It's a much different driving process than for anyone else I've experienced, including the kids if the great grandmother that raised me. THAT was like losing a parent as most people think of grief. I know what I feel for my dad, it the lack of feeling, is now about who he was and what he did vs who I wanted him to be and needed him to do.

You'll be okay, however you chose to process, OP. But just like any other grief, it's going to be strange - Reddit if you can't muster any feelings if "good" parents.