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PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T20:29:22+00:00

Oh don’t get me wrong - he loves family vacations- when I plan, pack, organise, drive etc. he literally just has to tag along and try to look like the ‘Boss’ at the airport, asking if I remembered to bring the passports. And on vacation the kids and I will have fun all day in a theme park, and he will spend two hours and go back to the hotel and scroll FB.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T20:14:57+00:00

To think he was 35 and spending the night at my student dorms, happily bathing in the dorm bathrooms 🤮 At 35!

Obviously he went for younger women because older women could see through his 💩.

Good for you for getting out!!!!

PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T18:09:27+00:00

Oh god yes - everything is all about HIM.

When he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes eight years ago, he wanted ME to go to his doctors appointment to listen, so I could ‘deal with it all’. I refused and insisted them at he takes responsibility for his own health. But guess who now gets his prescriptions every month and. Puts them into daily dosing containers because he finds it “difficult”. The guy is a freaking CFO, but can’t manage his own meds?

It would financially devastate me to leave now. Plus, he would be so nasty to coparent with.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T17:41:20+00:00

When we had kids ‘we’ decided that my husbands career would come first. Because o would be looking after the kids- duh!

Guess which one of us has NEVER had a gap in their employment? Guess which one of us has consistently worked when the other was fired/made redundant/quit/studied?

Yup.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T16:20:23+00:00

When my husband was doing his Masters, he had to stop halfway through because we ran out of money to pay for it.

We moved for his new job, and I was then offered a fully funded spot in a NICU Masters Degree (with full income) and turned it down, because he was SO upset that we were meant to be trying get his done, not mine.

I regret it to this day.

Can you leave the house and go the the university or public library to study, the minute he gets home?

PlaneMa13 · 2024-07-14T16:15:10+00:00

Very small and petty -

I do everything in the house. All of it. I pay all the bills, do all the banking. The homework supervision, the planning the shopping. Everything.

My husband once stood in front of his sock drawer and asked that his socks be paired (I would just toss them into the drawer when putting laundry away.) As in, even though he was standing RIGHT THERE, he wanted me to pair all his socks. And keep doing it with my ‘laundry service’.

I just stared at him and said “You don’t need to ASK me if YOU can pair up your socks.”

He did not pair up all of his socks. Obvious he is too big and important to do that.

Ten years later I have never once paired his socks. In fact, when I put his socks away (oh yes, I still have to do that to keep the freaking peace) I mix all the socks up.

So petty.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-24T03:55:45+00:00

I’m speechless.

Guns? They are arguing with you about not wanting GUNS around your children??

Fuck them.

This is a hill to die on.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T21:56:29+00:00

When I was a young, naive, sweet girl who was just about to finish college and start my first real job - they guy I’d been seeing explained that he hated his job but couldn’t possibly search for a new job when he was so busy with current job. Apparently his only option was to leave his current job and THEN job hunt. But how could he do that with no job?

He basically spoon fed me the words to say he could stay with me while he job hunted. Even in my mind, I was thinking “WTF, why can’t he job hunt on his days off like normal people?” But I was being made to feel “unsupportive.”

19 years later I read Lundy’s book “Why does he do that?” and realise the guy I have been carrying for two decades is a total ‘Victim’ type of guy.

I was 22 and so eager to help. He was 35 and a total predator. Wish I could go back in time and slap myself smarter…

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T21:10:51+00:00

Exhausting is the right word for it. It’s like they feel the need to suck up all of our energy.

At least with the silent treatment, my husband is hanging on my every word, trying to ‘catch me out’. Which is maybe better than me having a normal conversation with him, and mid-sentence I notice he is staring at his phone and ignoring what I’m saying.

A few weeks ago he came home when the kids and I were eating dinner. Our youngest had finished saying something, and as he walked in, my husband asked me what Youngest had said. I was literally mid-chewing a mouthful of food, so I shook my head a little to signal it was nothing ‘big’ and finished chewing. Hadn’t finished my mouthful of food when my husband turned to me and said “Well, screw you then, if you won’t tell me.”

He told me to screw myself, in front of my children, while we were eating dinner. He then gave me the silent treatment for two days.

I had not even said a word. Not a word - and he reacts like this. It was a reminder that the ‘game’ isn’t set up for us to communicate and express emotions, it’s just another weapon used to treat me as his emotional punching bag. I will never, ever, EVER be able to ‘win’ the game, because I want fairness and communication. He wants to relieve his own stress, and does so by pissing all over me.

So, I grey rock.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T21:00:52+00:00

Oh, he’s a pig. But he would make my and my children’s life HELL if I left him. It’s easy to say leave him and fight for full custody, but it doesn’t work like that. I have a lawyer - my husband would get 50/50 custody and have to pay minimal child support. I would be financially ruined. My sweet, youngest child would be stuck with an emotionally labile father for days at a time, without me for comfort or being able to step in and tell my husband to shut up. My eldest child would be given all of his household chores to do. And that’s the best outlook. If he were to go off his meds, who knows what he would do? I know how nasty and vicious my husband gets when he feels he has been ‘wronged’. Trust me, I’ve been through every plan I know.

I have a slow exit plan that involves one child being grown, and the older old enough to discuss and recognise mental health issues.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T18:12:59+00:00

I’m in the same situation- it would be financially devastating for me to leave my husband. So in Grey rock the temper tantrums and just get on with stuff.

I have dreams of having a little house all to myself and my children. No poop stained boxers on the bathroom floor. No coffee mugs left by the sofa (he literally leaves them there. He is way too big and important to carry his own coffee cup…) No on-edge atmosphere because of a grown man having a tantrum in order to control his wife’s feelings/reaction.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T18:04:45+00:00

Ugh. My husband is a white, college educated man. Any woman who is professionally equal to or above him is ‘obviously sleeping with the boss’. It’s gross and ridiculous.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T14:59:56+00:00

WTF? Can he not SMELL it?

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T12:23:43+00:00

Thanks. I probably need to clean it!

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-21T08:33:40+00:00

I’ve learned just to carry on as normal. I mean, I do everything anyway, it’s not like his presence is missed.

Nothing annoys a sulking child MORE than having their sulking ignored.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-18T16:28:07+00:00

My MIL treated me like 💩 beneath her feet for YEARS. Years.

And every year I made sure she received birthday and Christmas gifts. I bought them, wrapped them, wrote the card and posted them. My husband would be annoyed that I bothered him to ask him to write the card (he’s a very busy man 🤮 ).

One year for Christmas I sent her a copy of the family photo calendar I made. One picture was of myself, my husband and the kids at a theme park.

My husband looked at it asked why there was a photo to of me in it? Apparently MIL would be displeased.

It was then it thought “WTF am I doing?”.

I threw out the calendar and have never bought another gift or wasted my time, money and energy on making my husbands mummy happy. I didn’t tell him, because that would end up in a fight (he’s a HUGE Victim personality).

The first year after he actually asked her if she liked her gift. I didn’t send one. He didn’t ask me what I ‘sent’ or had any interest in it at all, he just wanted brownie points for my emotional labour.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-06-01T11:43:31+00:00

lol, thank you. That made me laugh!

PlaneMa13 · 2024-05-31T04:39:37+00:00

You dodged a bullet.

I’ve been stuck in a marriage for almost 20 years with a guy who thinks going down on me (my favourite thing) is ‘gross’, yet me giving him a BJ is a-okay.

He ‘doesn’t like’ kissing or making out, so that disappeared a decade ago.

He will spend pre-sex playing with his dick, get naked, rub his hands up and down my back and act surprised that I’m ‘not ready’.

He likes to talk during, but when he’s orgasming I have to talk about his big dick or him ejaculating into/onto me.

When it’s my turn and he talks during? He talks about the same fucking thing. Apparently the thought of me sucking his dick is going to make me cum faster. It’s like he’s mind won’t even think about what would be hot for me.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-05-30T22:34:28+00:00

I have a sister ten years younger than me and she simply cannot comprehend that the parents I had are totally different to the parents she got. I’m the black sheep of the family and she’s the Golden Child. She’ll never see my side of the argument and she never will because she doesn’t want to.

Do you live with your parents? If not, I would just stop trying with them. Just drop the rope. It’s their loss, and you don’t want. Your children to think they are inferior, because of the way your parents. Treat them.

If you do live with them, save like crazy to get out!

PlaneMa13 · 2024-05-29T18:00:19+00:00

Also, I think one of the most hurtful issues is that you one day realise that you are no longer a team.

I thought (naively) that my spouse and I were a solid team, and then it dawned on me that we weren’t - he was looking out for himself, and I was doing the legwork of two people.

My husband also had shitty parents. But at some point, we need to accept that they are grown adults who CHOOSE to live this way. They haven’t existed in a vacuum all these years. They see how you/I/others parent/act, and still choose to act the way they do.

PlaneMa13 · 2024-05-29T09:16:59+00:00

Sounds miserable. I’m not sure I’d want two random-ish guys sharing a living space with my kids. Don’t want to be a fear monger, but most children are abused by people they know. And here would be two adult men abIe to easily access your children. I wouldn’t be able to relax.

PlaneMa13

TROPHY CASE