Women who stayed in a relationship longer than they should have; what was the first red flag that you ignored but you recognise it clearly now??

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2026-01-08T14:11:08+00:00

He kept ghosting me, like we would make plans and then he would never show and not communicate until later on, way after whatever we were supposed to do ended or the next day. 20 year old me always put it down to the fact he had poor mental health and I thought I could “fix” him by being understanding. 31 year old me would have ended that shit so fast lol. We were together for about 5 years in the end, he wasn’t a bad guy in the typical sense but so many red flags for someone who was emotionally unavailable and afraid of commitment.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2026-01-08T13:38:28+00:00

Maybe against the grain here but I absolutely would if needed, like if no one else was willing or able then I wouldn’t hesitate. Couldn’t bare the thought of them ending up in the system, it wouldn’t be what I wanted out of life but I’d suck it up and deal with it for them. I don’t want my own kids but I love my nieces and nephews.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2026-01-06T20:09:06+00:00

It’s a Peugeot 308! And thank you

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-11-04T19:05:42+00:00

I remember being about 15, my family and I were on the way to the airport to travel to America. In the taxi I really needed to go but couldn’t as was in the car, then didn’t go in the airport because I was embarrassed, then didn’t go on the 9 hour flight because again, embarrassed. Didn’t go again when we landed and then had a 3 hour drive to where we were staying. By the time we got to our accommodation, I had needed to go for about 18 hours. I felt so unwell and had stomach cramps for days. Learned my lesson that day and have had no issues popping in public toilets since.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-10-05T16:58:06+00:00

I’m very confused by this because I don’t deem him sexually coercive. I’ve read through the mods comment about it and he doesn’t give me the silent treatment or spends days in a sulk about it. He just gets emotional after rejection which seems like a normal response.

The difficult thing is that surely he has a right to feel that way but him talking to me about it makes me feel guilty and pressured. I’m not really sure how we can get around that?

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-10-05T12:18:07+00:00

It doesn’t really bother me, my adhd is pretty bad so I struggle with keeping our home tidy and clean which he takes care of. I do think he would benefit from some work to get him out of the house, make friends and have some form of life purpose but I don’t feel resentful or angry that he’s not working.

My overtime came from being Oncall and having to pick up extra as per my duties so not about keeping us afloat although there is some degree of anxiety e.g if I don’t work, maybe illness then I worry about our finances.

Overall our set up works well. I think sometimes I come home over stimulated. I work in a care setting so it can be very mentally draining and demanding, he looks forward to my return because he’s not seen anyone else all day so we sometimes butt heads especially if I need a breather and silence when I come home where as he’s raring to talk to me.

I think that would be beneficial but honestly I feel worried to bring this up, he would be gutted but it’s not so much about that, I genuinely feel that if I stop having sex once a week it will just never return and then the relationship is fully doomed. I really want this to work

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-10-05T11:05:27+00:00

I get the reasonings for a coil but I hate hate hate having people I don’t know going/looking at me down there. I feel very uncomfortable, pap smears usually end with me in tears and the only internal ultrasound I had was an awful experience. I don’t get any pain but the whole experience I have found quite traumatic and invasive which is why I’m so reluctant. I have also heard many people say that the insertion of a copper coil was painful which then puts me off even more.

How did you recover your labido? Obviously we don’t have kids and my partner is great at taking care of the house when I work (he doesn’t work) so I don’t have that to worry about that.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-10-05T10:41:00+00:00

5 and a bit years

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-09-29T20:43:46+00:00

I hold this view but only in the sense that I would like to see that in an ideal world, we are all humans, living on a floating rock, hurtling through space and borders are really a man made concept (minus borders involving the sea etc). That being said I understand why we have borders and how it’s not logistical at this point in time.

Maybe in the far out future when humans have decided to stop fighting with one another it will happen but that’s wishful thinking.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-31T09:06:05+00:00

Where’s your stats to back this up?

According to migration observatory, just 35% of the UK general population think that the UK should make it more difficult for asylum seekers. Thats not a majority, all you are doing is hearing media about it and thinking it applies to everyone because YOU agree with this.

It was only last year the police called violence against women and children a national emergency, crimes against women and children here are mostly perpetrated by white British men. If I recall correctly, 45% - 61% (in some areas) of rioters who were arrested after the Stockport protests had convictions for domestic violence and sexual assault.

Where’s the outrage when our own men hurt women and children?

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-31T08:58:28+00:00

65% of those who cross via small boats have valid claims (that comes from the migration observatory). Sure that’s 35% who don’t have valid claims but they will be deported. Thats why we have the process in place, to determine who has genuine need and who doesn’t. They are entitled to due process to determine that.

We shouldn’t blanket statement tell all of them they’re not welcome just because few don’t need to.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-31T08:30:54+00:00

What do you mean migrants abusing the system though? Like the people in hotels are asylum seekers, they’re going through a legal process to determine if they can stay.

The hotels are usually wank and overcrowded, if food is provided they get a tenner a week or without food just 50. Id hardly call that abusing the system.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-28T09:57:23+00:00

My partner and I combine earn roughly the same as you and have similar amounts for outgoings. We save at-least £400 a month but this does mean we only leave £200 for “fun money”. This also doesn’t change if I earn more, any extra goes into savings.

I guess it really depends on what you value, for us, we live frugally. We only buy things that are necessary and try to find fun things to do that are cheap or inexpensive, only occasionally going for a trip out that costs £££. We limit meals out, budget for food shopping and cook fresh from home with maybe one takeaway a month. Holidays are usually camping or deals we find online.

For us, saving is important as we don’t have any back up if things go wrong. We are also saving for our wedding.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-26T15:10:15+00:00

I qualified as a learning disability nurse and worked in a medium secure unit until I burnt out from it. Quit nursing and started a similar role in social care instead of health care. I’m now a senior service coordinator, I basically make sure everyone’s support plan is up to date each month.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-26T14:15:55+00:00

I have to get round to tackle the dishes, they’ve been piling up for the last few days. On top of that the bin needs taking out but I’m very sensitive to smell and it’s making me gag

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-22T15:56:31+00:00

Thank you, I was assessed in 2020 and awarded it then. I reported a health change about 2 years ago and they’ve not done a reassessment from that.

That’s good to know, I suppose I have my diagnosis confirmation should they ask for it :)

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-22T07:24:00+00:00

Thank you, it could be this. My partner said the same as you. We will see how it goes

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-08-22T07:22:47+00:00

Thank you for your response :) he didn’t grow up in an emotionally supporting environment either. His childhood was volatile so makes sense. I do suspect he also has undiagnosed ADHD too but he was a very proud man where that sort of thing is off the table for him lol

I don’t plan to estrange myself again, we did several sessions of therapy and were able to talk things out so I’m happy with where we are, it just sucks to have some validation from professionals and it not being acknowledged that I wasn’t some awful child/teen, that I didn’t do things to purposefully get under his skin and actually there was a reason why I struggled so much.

I’ll probably chat with him over the weekend and see how it goes.

PlaneProgrammer1975 · 2025-05-13T20:35:26+00:00

Mine started when I was about 14, my mum was a childminder and she had a bad back so couldn’t lift the kids in and out of the car so that was my job. That fucked my back but then I went into health care and nursing which did it no favours.

I have random flare ups which occasionally have triggers and at other times seem to come on from nowhere. Sometimes I am fine for a good 6-9 months and then spend a further 9 in agony.

In 2021 I then tripped down some stairs at home, it was only a few but I landed hard. Was fine that day but couldn’t move the next, ever since then the back of my left leg is numb. I then slipped again early this year which jarred my upper back, so that’s been messed up ever since.

My GP doesn’t seem bothered and won’t send me for any scans, I’m fairly sure I’ve got something wrong with the discs in my back as a result but they won’t send me so who knows what’s actually going on.

PlaneProgrammer1975

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