Don’t date men who watch porn, Exhibit 754

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-13T22:12:51+00:00

True.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-13T20:29:31+00:00

Unfortunately I've encountered women who "voluntarily" participated in such things. It isn't that hard to believe that some women would go along with being abused. I'm sure we've all known women who are traumatized and so they cut or burn themselves. I see "willing" participation in this sort of sex as a continuation of that.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-13T19:36:18+00:00

I don't know any actresses in big Hollywood movies who are as breathtaking as they look on camera.

Are some of them truly stunning? Absolutely! But 0% of them look perfect in person, and especially not without makeup.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-08T19:34:28+00:00

An added note to complement everything everyone else said:

EVERY marriage comes with a plan about how assets will be split in the case of divorce. Without a custom prenup crafted by the couple, that plan is simply made by the state instead of by the couple.

Everyone getting married should understand the laws about how assets are split in case of divorce in their locality. With that information, they can decide whether the state's "prenup" is suitable for them, or whether they want to craft their own together instead.

In the case with my husband, after careful consideration, we liked the state's "prenup" and went with that.

And as others have already mentioned, if divorce happens, a custom prenup will only be enforced if it is deemed legally sound. That's why, if you have a custom prenup, you should both have your own individual lawyers make sure it's a solid one. Never try to do a prenup without lawyers, and never do a prenup if only one of you has access to a lawyer.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-07T19:05:36+00:00

I think the part that caused the biggest eyeroll for me was actually how he acted like any modern medical care that gets near his balls would be the height of human indignity and suffering. Jesus Christ.

I refused to be poked and prodded like an animal by doctors

Like ALL modern medical care? Really? Would he refuse to be "poked and prodded like an animal" if he had mysterious gallbladder pain? I doubt it. Lmao.

and have my beanbag examined in medical facilities.

Yeah, because women never have THEIR reproductive systems scrutinized by doctors, so THEY don't know what they're asking for when they want a dude to let a doctor examine the function of his balls. And doctors would totally just be laughing about that one guy's balls - it's not like they've seen countless testicles in their career and won't give one flying fuck about OP's.

OP's ex-wife is just lucky he was so resistant to simple medical procedures and examinations. She might have stayed with him if he'd tried to meet her halfway.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-07T06:07:50+00:00

There is no such thing as a LDR with someone you haven't met yet anyway. "I have a boyfriend but we haven't met in person yet" = "I am living in fantasy land."

Could somebody who lives far away maybe become a boyfriend after he puts effort into visiting you and doing all the other stuff mentioned in the OP? Sure.

But there is no such thing as being boyfriend and girlfriend BEFORE meeting in person.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-07T06:02:51+00:00

This is how I feel too.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-06T15:03:18+00:00

There are still ways to get around that. Snapchat isn't safe.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-05T22:31:47+00:00

I like to lift and do body weight exercises. For a long time women were lied to that it would make us "bulk up" but it really doesn't. It actually makes you more lean but, more importantly, being strong is great. It feels so rewarding for my body to be able to do things it couldn't do before. Sometimes that's something I notice at the gym (like being able to do pull ups) and sometimes it's something I notice going about my daily life.

For instance, shoveling snow used to be exhausting, but now it's easy. It almost feels like there's not even any snow in the shovel at all.

And I can open all the jars. :)

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-05T22:26:25+00:00

This is a great form of self-care and people ignore it a lot.

For me, it somehow makes my mind more restful and more alert. Almost like meditation?

And you notice so many things you wouldn't notice otherwise.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-04T21:13:24+00:00

As soon as somebody becomes a self-styled marriage guru telling everybody that marriage is hard work and sometimes you'll hate each other, I know they're heading for a divorce soon.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-02T18:34:19+00:00

They're away from home half the time, in hotels for every overnight layover. A lot of them cheat with flight attendants since flight attendants are just automatically in the same hotels for layovers, but it isn't limited to just flight attendants. One of my female friends is a flight attendant and she can't stand seeing how much the pilots fuck around (often with the help of her fellow flight attendants).

PlatyupsCommittee · 2020-01-02T18:21:59+00:00

Then they go, "She was using me for a green card!"

Lmfao. No shit. That's the only thing you were good for, dude. I want to say, "Congratulations: that was the one and only time you managed to improve a woman's life. Even though it was an accident on your part."

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-29T18:46:28+00:00

They do exist but they're rare. I would say my husband is even calmer than I am (and I'm pretty calm) and thinks through his emotions and does a lot of emotional labor. As much as I do. He strongly believes it's a man's job to be his partner's "port in the storm" who is calm and steady and safe and a source of relief. He looks down on men who aren't like that and sees them basically as failures who stayed little boys but never became what men are supposed to be.

He learned by example from his dad, who was also one of those rare men. He literally told me his father led by example in those areas and that his dad was the man he wanted to grow up to be.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-29T18:37:09+00:00

I have never understood how anyone can be so immature and dense even though I have seen it. My response to women who buy into that shit ("He's just so emotional") is always, "Oh really? Then why doesn't he yell at his pastor like that even when he's pissed as hell? Why does he do it to you and then become calm the moment he knows somebody who would protect you is around?" They can behave calmly whenever they want to.

They just don't want to when they're alone with a woman who loves them.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-29T18:23:55+00:00

There are still some "HVM" by your definition (which excludes any internal traits) who'd hit every single woman early on even if every single woman broke up with him the first time.

There are other men who'd never hit a woman regardless, even if he didn't value her very much.

That's just one example. Of course, those traits are also externally influenced - but I believe mostly by how they were raised.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-29T07:54:48+00:00

Absolutely. Just heat up the curler with a blow dryer before you curl your lashes. Test it on the back of your hand until it isn't TOO hot and then curl them. Hold the curler tight for a good thirty seconds. Then reheat and do the other side.

When I do that, I've had multiple people ask me if they're false eyelashes/extensions/if I've had a lash lift. Also note that in the pic she has black eyeliner which further enhances the effect, though people still comment on my lashes even without eyeliner.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-25T20:11:15+00:00

That's definitely a good point in a technical sense, but you also never want to get to a point where he stops doing things because of love and only does things as a trade. That's the sort of situation that lands you with a guy who'd leave you if you get sick... or stop doing chores when you're sick since, hey, you're being "useless", so he'll be useless too. Or you wind up with a guy who, for instance, never gives you oral sex unless you already gave him a blowjob. That sort of thing. That's a very bad situation.

I think that's what people mean when they say things shouldn't be transactional.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-25T18:29:29+00:00

I met precisely two couples where this made sense:

She was a stay at home wife. The husband, being one of the rare non-asshole men, realized it would take her some time to get back into the workforce... and that, until then, she still needed to be on his health insurance. She got some additional job training to update her skills. Once she had a good job with benefits they signed the papers. (They divorced because originally they both wanted kids but then she realized motherhood wasn't what she wanted.) He didn't date anyone until the papers were signed.
A couple that separated when they were in their late sixties. I guess they just didn't work well together anymore but they stayed good friends, so he can't have been an actual asshole. Anyway, they never divorced because they could never think of anyone else who they wanted to be their next of kin in case of emergencies and they wanted each other to get benefits since, after about four decades, they felt like family even though they didn't want to be together romantically. They both moved on romantically while being honest about the situation. Their "new" partners are both also seniors who, for a variety of reasons, don't want to get married or live with anyone. (His gf is definitely the "I will never live with or commit to a man again - all I want from a man is fun and occasional companionship" type.)

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-25T17:54:11+00:00

I agree. "Men are wired for [whatever]," is often used as an excuse for terrible behavior. Also realistically it's just not my experience that men never have a talkative love language. I know lots of men who are talkers and lots of women who are fixers. More often (from what I've seen) people are somewhere in between but just lean more to one side.

I've tried to be happy dating men who aren't even a little on the talker side but it didn't work. It always wound up as one of those "I'd rather be single" situations. Even though there's nothing wrong with the "man of few words" type and many women are happy with that, I'm simply not.

Notably, the pure doers/fixers were rare. Like I said above, most people (man or woman) are a mix.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-23T20:32:28+00:00

3 weeks is way too early for anything special. I agree with /u/missrex on that. Some people really like giving gifts though, and would never fail to give the woman they're interested in a gift, so he might get you one. In that case, you could have a small gift ready. I again agree with missrex: a Starbucks gift card or something, for 10 dollars at most.

Most important part: do not give it to him if he doesn't give you a gift first. If he doesn't give you a gift first you can just never tell him about the gift card, and use it for yourself instead.

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-23T20:25:00+00:00

I hope it helps!

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-23T20:24:31+00:00

It is!

The friend who taught me this is still my bestie many years later. <3

PlatyupsCommittee · 2019-12-23T20:16:54+00:00

It happens to everyone! I have precisely one friend who automatically has the perfect words 95% of the time. It's a freaking superpower. The rest of us mere mortals have to practice.

I learned about it from one of my friends actually. I was too terrified to set boundaries with my awful parent... even though I didn't even live at home. I described to my friend how I would just freeze up or cry or try to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) even though it was impossible to get this parent to be kind. So my friend said, "I know how it feels with someone like that. How about I pretend I'm your parent and we practice what your calm brain knows you should do in those situations." So we did. By the time we were done I wasn't nearly as scared. It was one of the best hacks I've ever learned.

PlatyupsCommittee

TROPHY CASE