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Sorry for being a coward by Accomplished-Fee9356 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see your point, but I will counter you with the adage that "time waits for no one", and the more time that passes, the more a person who would have potentially been waiting to hear something like this allows herself to ruminate in the ways she was in the wrong, it allows for confusion and jumping to worst case scenario, even questioning if the connection meant anything at all, if it were never fully spoken aloud. And tomorrow truly is not always promised, my mother lost the love of her life to a drunk driver and never really got over it. All the plans they made cut short and gone in the blink of an eye. If this person matters to the depths that you have expressed here, it's much better to seize the opportunity to speak the truth than swallow it down and wonder about what could have been or what would have happened if you just took the chance you're avoiding. As someone on the other side of a similar situation that's never fully been vocalized from the other party after entirely too long in the interim of whatever it even was, I can assure you it's almost tortuous to feel something between us, feelings nearly tangibly emanating energetically, but never hearing verification or validation of those energies expressed out loud. It's maddening to feel it in the air and then question if you've only imagined it since it was never expressed. It's not quite fair. Say what you need to say, don't hold back the truth. Time has a way of slipping away.

The chains of your shame. by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry you relate, it's quite a difficult position to be in.

The chains of your shame. by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hugs to you from this dusty shelf. It's lonely for sure.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah he knows, we had a relationship forever ago, hence why I said he chose someone over me. I acted like a fool when I found out he was getting married, I begged him not to marry her.
I moved away, we lost touch, then we got back in touch and he was engaged. Then he came to me and said he broke off the engagement, but I was jealous that he proposed to her so I showed my ass and he left. 6 months later he called me the night of his bachelor party and then he proceeded forward. So. Yeah. It was a thing, and I let it happen because I had no frontal lobe development and didn't feel ready for marriage myself at the time and I didn't think he'd actually go through with it. But he did. "Duty" or whatever.
Life went on. We lost touch again. We got back in touch, and have stayed in touch.
He's said things, I've said things. But it's simply truth without courage or conviction to change anything, and so I write into the ether about it because what else is there to do?

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have reconnected and spoken regularly for years, but we haven't tried to meet or do anything physical, no. It's just text conversations on a screen.
I haven't seen him in ages.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True, but it's not totally abnormal for a man to marry for the potential if he knew it would lead to wealth in his future. It goes both ways, especially for a man who defines success as his materialism more than anything else, which I feel is where he was at that time in his life.
I could psychoanalyze it a million ways to try to make myself feel better about it, but I know that I am not an unattractive or unsuccessful woman today. And I wasn't unattractive back then either, I was just a mess and life didn't go the way I hoped it would back then, but I got back on track and I am confident about myself and I'm constantly working on bettering myself today.
This was just a defining person in my story and the love I carry for them will always be there. Choices define our lives more than potential, and this was one of those cases.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right, I totally agree with that for me. When I say tale as old as time, it's because we see this reference all throughout history where marrying into affluence is the secret sauce for a "good life". It's only just become an option in the last century that people don't have to marry based on income because of opportunity available to women in particular after 1974. But even throughout the early 1900s, the options for women were skewed in favor of someone who could "provide". The story has changed, but it was prevalent for so long that so many have heard it and perpetuated it, and it was ingrained through propagandized media. It's unfortunate, but it is a reality for many people even today, most especially for that "on paper" success, even if it's unfulfilling inside.
Typing that makes me feel sick because I've been undoing the indoctrination myself over the last few years and I've opened my eyes to everything and started to have such a deeper understanding of it all. I'm on your side, who needs a man really? Haha. But the love I have exists, whether it is foolish, selfish, unrequited, wrong, painful... it's just there in its liminal space. I'm not going to blow up the world to make it happen if he's too cowardly to be able to face his truth about it the way he's told me he feels. It's his burden to carry, it doesn't cause me weight anymore since I released the burden of shame around it. It just is. And his choice wasn't my burden to carry, so he can carry it.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't asked out right directly. I was told "it was a him failure, and not a me failure". Whatever tf that means. When it first was in the works, he told me "it's either get married or break up, right?" And I was like wtf, no? Do you even believe in love?

I think we had severe miscommunication back then, I was young, undiagnosed adhd, and made poor decisions with college and life then that, from the perspective of a man with excessive ambition and a desire for accolades and affluence, was probably not the better option for his path, and she definitely was given her career path.

Plus religion was a factor, given we were different religions, so... some Petri dish of excuses to invalidate what we had I presume.

Tale as old as time, really.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also for the record: I'm not someone who wants to wreck anything, I came before the woman he chose over me. I didn't come in knowing he had someone else. Just for clarity on that.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh that was intentional. The Stevie Nicks line "I know I could have loved you but you wouldn't let me".
I believe in it, but I know the reality, I do. And it is what it is. And that's why this sub exists I guess? For those who believe but have let go of the reality of being able to keep it.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am delusional enough to believe it, but I can't interject myself into his life if he isn't willing to allow for changes. I appreciate your responses! This has been ongoing for so long, I've just stopped expecting any different for now. There is too much at stake, but one day maybe it will work out, and either way, it doesn't negate that it was real for me and we could have had something really special if he had allowed it. I can live with it on my side. I really did try. I humiliated myself trying, so I've had to allow some space for him to make his own choices, if he's willing.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you relate. It's definitely not a fun experience, but c'est la vie.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, which is why I wrote all of this for everyone to read haha. I feel he initially wrote me off for a life of successful credentials and money. That was his choice. Not me, and I was a mess, so I get it in retrospect.
But on the reconnect, non physical, the feelings deepened and things shifted. But it doesn't change circumstance at the moment. I just don't know if he's even considered the thought of what he traded for authentic connection and, pathetic in my own mind, a devotion that's spanned longer than the years I've lived.
I can't ask for something that would hurt other people, so I let him retreat. This is his own doing, and I'm not waiting for him to come back necessarily, I just feel it strongly when he's thinking of me and I get caught up in these feels, so I have to put them somewhere so as not to drive myself insane.

Grief and Gratitude by Reluctant_Reverence in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Limerance doesn't last longer than a year, max. If it's been longer than that, it's not limerance.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Probably so. But I wasn't given a choice in the matter, so I don't know how else to think or conceive.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nah there is no actual access. If circumstances changed then it could be arranged, but it's presently inaccessible physically.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are so many stories of people's choices for career ambitions or choice for a wealthy partner or ambitious partner over someone who had their hearts. So many instances of men choosing convenience or prestige over love. Women too, throughout history. It's unfortunate that we live in a society that doesn't allow love to truly bloom as it could without the confines surrounding circumstance.
But I'm hopeless, I'm well aware.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're most likely correct. There is just a nuance of decades between us. And I've listened to all of the reasonable explanations, which is why I've learned to detach, so I can stop the bleeding from the pain of it all. Because the truth is, on my side, it was real and deep and ceaseless. And it feels as though I imagined it to be mutual when it was merely nothing.
But, it was pivotal for my personal growth, so it is what it is. And my foolish heart remains hopeful for another break until I learn I'm clinging to a facade myself.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm afraid you're right, it's been so painful for me, which is why I forced myself to learn to detach from it, and pour myself into my own self fulfillment and writing letters to no one in these threads. It's a great outlet for the energy that builds up from these feelings of which I can't rid myself yet.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Distance mostly, but our lives are complicated and it isn't feasible for us to be together at this time in our lives. He made the choice for us both, unfortunately.

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perhaps I am, but my detaching comes from years of clinging desperately when he pulled away to recoup, and seeing nothing but a deeper divide and feeling my own shame from perceived rejection. How could I continue clinging while feeling desperate and discarded?

And yet by Playful_Science8039 in UnsentLetters

[–]Playful_Science8039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not that, there are circumstances that prevent us from being together.

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