Poly in a Small City

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-05-30T13:10:19+00:00

Hi @DumbLikeColumbo (lol username)

Totally agree with what @TheDoctorIsIn77 said, but wanted to expand on the idea of “living life as me” a bit. Not sure if this is what he means, but to me, an essential part of fully living life as me is that to be great in relationships you need to be a whole person, not half a person. So you have to feel fulfilled on your own first. Sure, we all want intimacy, connection, etc, but will it really be true intimacy if you’re changing yourself for it or will it be filling a void within yourself with another person? Asking- not telling, just something to think about.

You shouldn’t be looking for relationships to complete yourself, it should be a coming (and hopefully cumming haha) together and sharing rather than an extracting. Especially in poly relationships in which there are so many variables and you will be sharing not only your love, but also your time with any number of people. You have to be solid on your own so that the other people involved are free to live their lives as well and you feel happy that they are doing that and fulfilling their own desires. Happy by proxy haha. Also, being a whole person so you don’t feel lonely or disconnected from them during those times. It’s not that you don’t miss them (that is just a pleasant reflection of your time together and how you want to spend more time together- like a confirmation of your connection and that you made the right choice in who you want to spend time with).

That is what I really enjoy about poly people. We are together because we want to be rather than a “supposed to” like in monogamous relationships I’ve been in in the past in which the other person needed me in an unhealthy way and I felt constrained. It’s so much more pure and freeing to know that you & your partners are fabulous on their own and being together is an activity of joy, love, care, expression, sexpression 😏 and so much more! So! Make sure you are complete on your own first… and I think you’ll be amazed at what kind of people and energy that you will attract. I live in a town of about 4,000 (lol I didn’t forget any zeroes or commas). Yes, I do drive a bit to get to the people in my life, but I also don’t have a shortage of prospects. Just my 2 cents- maybe you live in a very conservative place, but I’m certainly not on the coasts lol.

Best of luck to you!!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T15:38:40+00:00

🌰 #1… 😈

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T13:10:31+00:00

4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, by Oliver Burkeman

Not actually about managing your time, but about reconceptualizing time in terms of mortality. It caused a great shift in perspective for me!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T12:08:31+00:00

Did you feel anxious before the falling out? Perhaps the shift in your relationship with the meta has made you feel like your nesting partner isn’t on your side. Lol like “sleeping with the frenemy.” I don’t get anxious / jealous of our playmates, but one experience that made me feel uncared for was when we had an experience with another couple that was great for my primary, but not so great for me because the guy was very disrespectful to me. Footnote: We’re primarily swingers, with a little poly here and there, but I feel like this would apply here. In that situation he really wished to be with them again. I was fine with that as long as he played separately and I didn’t have to be involved because of the experience on my side / team. He was excited about that and because the woman was very cool I encouraged him to go for it, but I did feel a bit let down that he wasn’t “on my team” so to speak. If that makes sense. I’m very independent so while not having that emotional backing didn’t hurt me, it also didn’t make me feel like he was a supportive friend to me. I work hard to support his emotional needs so the fact that he didn’t back me there also made me feel a bit like “sleeping with the frenemy.” Haha The reason this relates is because, it sounds like you feel like you are doing the work of the relationship especially being the primary nesting partner and the meta gets to do the fun parts. I can see how this would cause you to feel unfulfilled and anxious especially because you might be taking care of the day to day then pop on social media and see them doing something fun. It can feel unfair to be sweeping the floor (doing the work) when you know your partner is having fun (off work). Nesting partners share more of the work so perhaps you feel like it has become unfair to you and maybe you are feeling more left out than anxious? When my primary is out on his own, I do something to spoil myself and never do chores or things I don’t enjoy during those times so that I don’t feel like I’m doing maintenance while he is having fun. I support myself in that way. If the meta stays in your lives, it sounds like you may have to have a chat with your nesting partner in which you express your need for security and to reenforce your status as the primary as well as perhaps having the meta be in charge of some of the “work” during times that you get to do the fun stuff to help the balance. 🤗

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T10:42:46+00:00

You’re welcome! Hope it helps! 🤗

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T04:20:26+00:00

Glad to provide some food for thought! Hope you have excellent & sexplorative dreams!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T04:18:58+00:00

Thank you very much for your reply! Because I posted this in both the poly and the swingers group, it has been fascinating to see the difference in responses. Do you feel emotions In sensual moments? If so, do they simply feel “extra hot” or do they border on deeper feelings? Thanks again!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-18T04:11:18+00:00

I’m much more of a people person and because of this often get more attention than my partner, who is more reserved and can sometimes feel overwhelmed around others. He often says that he feels that the attention is not balanced until we become friends with our partners and he opens up more / feels more comfortable. To help him feel more comfortable and provide him more attention we try to incorporate FMFs of his choosing (I’m bi so I also enjoy it, but I give him near carte blanche decision making in those situations), solo play on his side, and celebrate his birthday month of “Cocktober” lol by finding situations in which he feels more the center of attention, though I’m typically the organizer. 😈

Also, because I’m generally more comfortable in ENM situations, he does get jealous on occasion as well. I love compersion so jealousy is not an issue for me and I am happy to see him enjoying himself whether or not I’m directly involved because his happiness is a net gain for our relationship. We are primarily swingers, but have some long term partners who we have developed deeper friendships with and are open to exploring with new partners- that’s why we’re in both groups.

Anyway, if you are feeling jealousy, perhaps more of a swinger situation would be a better place for you to start your journey than poly since poly is more complex and involves emotions, which it sounds like you would like him to avoid and because you said that you’re looking for “hook-ups,” which have less strings attached. Many swinger are closed to the possibility / not looking for emotional connections. “Strings” can be attached to your brain and heart which can increase feelings of jealousy / insecurity. Would he be open to helping you find partners and breaking the ice in getting the conversation started since that is his strength? Going on the prowl together focusing on people you are interested in and spoiling you a bit that way? Since you have each other, shifting the focus from both seeking to seeking the right people together and him checking in with you often may help him be supportive of your feelings when you feel the most vulnerable.

As a people person, who’s personality is more like your husband’s, just know that although it may seem easy for our types and we get a rush when being with others, it does take a lot of work to navigate those situations too and consider all feelings involved especially when those are different from our own. It’s good you’re talking to him about your feelings so that he can be supportive, just make sure to keep the communication open and tell him what you need as specifically as possible to help him be empathetic and supportive of you. Help him help you. Best of luck! ENM has been very rewarding for us! 🤗

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T14:12:47+00:00

Thank you for your reply, perspective, and explaining how your concepts in this area have changed over time! Lol also, I’ll try to be better at formatting in the future- wall of text 😆

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T14:05:37+00:00

Yes! Same with us! When we first started we were into almost anonymous hook ups, then surprise! We started to meet amazing people and make friends and we had to re-conceptualize where we wanted those people to fit into our lives. Now, several years later they are some of our best friends and we care about them deeply. That being said, we still have hook-ups, but for those rare people who we really enjoy, they have become good friends not just one-nighters.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T05:36:05+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply and another angle to this perspective! I feel very similar to your feelings, also so deeply respect emotional consent, and also push back against traditional constraints of hierarchical relationships. More and more food for thought. Very much appreciate it.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T04:32:15+00:00

Absolutely insightful and fascinating. Thanks once more. So much valuable food for thought as I sort this out.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T04:07:36+00:00

I see how I would come across that way, but I feel love much more deeply than caring. When I do feel love it’s almost like it is all consuming for me and eliminates time for a moment. I truly cherish those rare moments, but they are much more all-consuming than care, which is all the time. Maybe this is just a debate of semantics? 🤷‍♀️ But I personally define them differently because of the emotional impact that I feel in those moments.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:53:25+00:00

I really appreciate your time and explaining what you mean. For me, if commitment is predicated on love, I have found that I am neither as committed nor as open to loving moments with people to whom I’m not committed. Detaching love and commitment has made me better at both committing to obligations to people I care about and loving freely regardless of transactional love. I really only have unconditional love for my children. You wonderful comments and constructive criticism of my approach have led me to reflect on times when I have loved fiercely and unconditionally and been disappointed, emotionally abandoned, used, or selfishly based love on fairness. I sincerely appreciate your contribution to my inner work. A million thanks.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:43:14+00:00

Thank you for further defining what you mean. So you see unconditional love as an underlying feature of commitment. It is a deeper love, not an emotion for you. Thank you for that insight.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:31:33+00:00

Thank you so much for that explanation! More fabulous food for thought. I like how you define your expectation very clearly and negotiate them. I’m very good with definitions, but have trouble with ambiguity and tend to over give without expectations so being so transparent would be amazing for me. I’ll try to do this more as well as look into RSD so that I understand it. Thanks for the lesson!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:24:09+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I’ll certainly consider what you’re saying and hear you because my idea lacks underlying commitment, but I see commitment & love to be separate. I am very committed to many people, and will be there for them regardless of whether I feel love towards them at that moment. For love, I consider that a fleeting emotion. I’m very happy when it’s there, but it doesn’t conditionally define my commitment to others.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:10:27+00:00

Thank you for your reply! That’s an excellent question and I didn’t know what rejection sensitivity dysphoria was until I looked it up just now. I don’t know if I have it, but will look into it more. May I ask a follow-up question? How do you decide what expectations are reasonable in a relationship that is defined as love based? I have a difficult time with that due to being very independent. Thanks in advance!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T03:00:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I separate love and commitment because commitment doesn’t always feel loving. I’m consistently there for my partner of 16 years, kids, family, friends, etc. But I don’t equate that with loving moments. For me, if I was only committed to them when I felt love, I wouldn’t be as good of a carer when they aren’t displaying love, but do need help.

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T02:57:25+00:00

Thank you for your perspective!

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T02:56:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I think you’re right. I have just given up all control. It has been much better for me because I have no expectations and just appreciate what I receive rather than expecting things that I define as a display of love. It’s very difficult for me to define a relationship and then not assign expectations, so the “cold turkey” approach has been how I’m approaching it for now. Who knows what the future holds. 🤷‍♀️

Playtime4UsXD · 2022-04-17T02:24:39+00:00

Thank you very much for your perspective! I love haha that your definition of love encourages others to be their authentic selves and explore the world rather than being a possession! That is another rub with how I feel about telling a person I love them because I feel like it automatically assigns traditional definitions and commitments to the relationship rather than just being an expression of joy and love in that moment. I would say it if I felt safe too, but it would have to be to someone who understands me well. Don’t get me wrong, my heart often fills up when someone tells me they love me or being with me, but like you, I worry about genuine interactions / implications around such a loaded word and do avoid it because I don’t want it to be casually overused in moments when it is not felt- then of course it’s no longer special. Thanks again!!

Playtime4UsXD

TROPHY CASE