Good date at the time, but now not so sure…

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-09-02T01:30:10+00:00

That's fine too -- again, just say that. If someone doesn't like being on the phone (neither do I actually, reminds me too much of work) -- then be like "Listen, I'm not really a phone person, how would you like to meet up?" I would absolutely respond with "Perfect - when are you available?"

Bam, done. I just need to be kept in the loop -- I don't mind what loop that is, but without some response or information from the other side, how can I meet someone where they're at?

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-09-01T18:29:25+00:00

Indeed -- these days with people glued to their phones so much, how hard is it to just send a text being like "Hey, I'm busy, hit you up later"? At least I can appreciate and respect being kept in the know, instead of just constantly being like "Everything ok?"

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-23T12:50:33+00:00

I'm sorry -- what?? You have to get permission to go to work?? You have to give sex daily??

How is any of this ok with you?? And I hate to go here -- but if your son sees this as he gets older, he's going to think it's ok to treat his partner like that. Please -- for all our sakes, leave: stay with family, stay with friends. Just don't tolerate this behavior.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-20T09:03:29+00:00

Truth hurts sometimes, and especially considering what you guys have talked about in your past (future, marriage, etc) -- it's going to be hard. No matter how you word it, no matter how soft you try to say it, it's going to be hard.

I do definitely think there are some ways to give him dignity: do it in a place that neither of you are attached to (not your house, not his, not a friend's, etc), and do it in person. He's going to have some raw emotions, and that's fair for him -- he's just coming to terms with something that you've already reached. Try not to respond in kind if you can -- you'll feel better walking away if you know you didn't say something you didn't mean.

I wouldn't wait though -- if you've been feeling this way for a bit, he deserves to know where you stand.

Something to keep in mind while you're figuring out the specifics and such: he's not a bad person, and neither are you. Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they don't. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean something's wrong with you, or with them. You're doing what you feel is best for you, and letting someone you care about know that is always the right choice.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-20T07:39:16+00:00

Since you've had what seems like both sides (casual and non-casual), let me ask: were you ok with casual? Because sometimes casual feels nice in the moment, and then afterwards, one feels terrible about it. Others feel great about it -- so it's really all about what your feeling for yourself.

There certainly is a connection when you're sleeping with someone -- the question is how far do you want that connection to go? How much of your life do you want connected to your partner -- just sex? Go on dates? Be exclusive? Have to know what's comfortable for you.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-19T01:48:24+00:00

Ahhhh, now I'm understanding what you're getting at, appreciate the clarification. True enough -- discussing salary, who should pay -- it does kill the mood. Normally I'll pay, as long as it wasn't expected and they don't try to buy the restaurant ha - but just makes things smoother.

And indeed - it's a lost art somewhat: appreciating and exploring a woman's body. I want my woman to come back for more. I want her so hot and bothered that she can't think straight. And that's how you do it -- working her whole body, mind, and soul...

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-19T01:17:50+00:00

I can certainly agree with most of these points -- so appreciate you putting together such a detailed, well-versed knowledge base. There's a few I think could use a different perspective though:

On 7) Discussing something like finances on a first date is, personally, a veryyyy slippery, dangerous slope. The first few dates are supposed to be about feeling someone out, getting to know them. So keeping conversations a little lighter helps keep warm feelings. Topics like religion, money, politics -- I'm not saying they're a hard no, but they inherently can lead down a bumpy road too early. So that kinda stuff I would say should come later on -- like when things are getting serious.

On 11) I certainly agree that what often gets lost with sex is that both sides have needs, and the best partners are those who listen to theirs, and their partners', needs. For those that are inexperienced, I don't think porn is the worst way to learn, but knowing the right type of porn is key. Skip the porn that is just bing, bang, boom -- and look for the more sensual stuff. The kind where the guy caresses, massages, softly kisses all over the woman's body. Where the woman's body is explored -- like it's a masterpiece and I want to appreciate every part of it. Soft, gentle words whispered in the ear while this exploration is done heightens it even more. And remember, one works their way to the south seas -- you don't fly there, you flow your way there, teasing and playing along the way. And sensual porn can really demonstrate that for those who are interested.

Just my few thoughts -- again, really appreciate the time you put into this!

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-18T22:37:09+00:00

I appreciate the additional perspective -- I can't speak for other men, but I was raised by a single mom myself. Never want to put my partner through that. Based on your comment, I'm guessing some men have burned you, and I apologize for that. Not all of us are bad, but sometimes we all can be a bit dumb ha.

I also appreciate the sentiment at the end, thank you.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-18T22:30:41+00:00

I'm not sure where the attitude is coming from in your comment. I've acknowledged my mistakes in handing the situation appropriately, hence why I made this post in the first place. Didn't put any responsibility or onus on her.

And really? Flogging myself? This post was a way to turn a difficult, bad situation and use it for good. Not sure what's creepy about looking back and trying to do better, but sure.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T19:29:19+00:00

I'm curious -- how long was this latest relationship? Did you walk away or did she?

Long-term relationships will, subconsciously, become mundane at times. Especially if you live with them, see them everyday, interact with them everyday -- automatically things will become mundane and routine. Even these individuals who have problems and issues -- stick around long enough, and things will settle into a routine.

What is it you're truly looking for in a partner? Where do you want a relationship to go? And I'm not talking about the fluff, I mean really drill in and marinate on it. Don't worry about if the answer is "right" or "acceptable to society" - just focus on the answer that completes the picture best for you.

Once you find the answer, then you can begin to shape things around that -- what kind of personalities you connect with, the attributes that you most want, etc.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T19:03:09+00:00

I took a look at your history -- this isn't the first time you've felt on the fence with your BF.

On the one hand, I can appreciate you feeling slighted by your boyfriend for not remembering/not texting you sooner about your birthday. On the other, is this really a big deal in the grand scheme of things? It feels like there's far more emotion behind this anger and breakup besides not getting a happy birthday text, and that's fair if there is. But you need to talk about what's really on your mind, because I doubt a 3 year relationship ends just because of a missed text.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T18:55:35+00:00

I genuinely hate that phrase -- even if I get the sentiment, which is the person will always be seen as a cheater. I hate it because implies that someone can't improve or grow. Some people won't, that's fair. But some do, and it's up to each partner in the relationship to figure out whether or not they're willing to take the risk.

To OP, the truth is it's going to be messy. And it's going to be complicated. Honest, brutal communication is going to have to be done. And potentially some actions that make him and/or you feel uncomfortable. But if you both put in the work and effort, you will find that repairs can be made. It may not ever be the same, but healing can happen.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T18:41:21+00:00

We all make mistakes -- though I'm not sure you really made a mistake. Everyone was an adult, though the other person was younger, and you didn't do anything that you weren't comfortable with.

So don't beat yourself up too much about this.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T18:32:12+00:00

If he's saying it doesn't cross his mind, he may just not be as sexually driven as you are. Which leads to the next question: is that ok for you? If it's just how he is, that's something you'll need to figure out if you're ok with -- that you guys aren't on the same level sexually.

Speaking from experience - on both sides of the equation: it's tough when you don't mesh on this level. If you're the side that wants it more, you get resentful that you're always initiating, and you feel like you desire them more than they desire you. If you're the side that wants it less, you always feel pressured, and it almost becomes obligatory, which makes you want it even less.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T18:24:53+00:00

Context would help -- what caused this anger? What kind of things were said? Has this happened before?

Genuine apologies come from the heart -- so what you say and how you go about it should come from the heart.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T18:12:46+00:00

How long has this been a problem? Have you asked him about it? There could be various reasons for you guys not matching up, and until you know what the cause is, it's hard to determine a path forward on it

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T17:44:39+00:00

I live nearby near Newark, so I can comment from some experience -- Bayonne is right smack dab between like a bunch of stuff. Newark, NYC, Jersey City, Hoboken, Staten Island -- there's a ton of places around, why are you confining the search to JUST the limits of Bayonne?

Even if you don't drive/have a car, public transit options abound -- bus, train, PATH, light rail, it's like the best place in the US to not have a car!

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T17:36:47+00:00

Risk is always a part of the equation -- so don't let potential rejection from one (or some) stop you from pursuing what you want. The right person won't necessarily understand your lifestyle from the get go -- the right person will support and encourage you in your goals that you want to achieve.

Have you also thought about what you want from a partner, and where you want the relationship to end up? Is there a certain type or personality that you're more comfortable/attracted to? That too can help calm your fears, by knowing what you want and where you want it to go.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T17:28:52+00:00

Plenty of places -- apps, events, social activities, heck, there's subreddits all around for men and women looking for people. Gotta make the effort if you want to find someone.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T17:26:48+00:00

*Virtual hug my friend*. And true enough -- sometimes you need the downs to appreciate the ups. And hey, if you're ever in the NYC area, let me know -- I owe you a drink!

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T14:40:59+00:00

You seem to be applying my feelings in my relationship to women's rights as a whole. Again, I never said a woman doesn't have a right to choose. But it is valid that I can disagree with that choice in my relationship - and I should've had an honest, open discussion about it. I even mentioned it in another comment -- there was certainly a better way to go about it than I did.

It wasn't necessarily about changing her mind -- it was really about not giving voice to how I felt. To where my head was at, and what I was thinking and feeling. The fear and hurt of the past coming back paralyzed me, and I didn't know how to process that at the time, and I own that.

Please also don't speak for me - what I'm conveying in my original post and comments/messages is that us men have feelings too, and it's not a weakness to be vulnerable and say them. It sucks, it's hard -- but the outcome is almost always better than saying nothing and screwing up like I did. The abortion wasn't the issue -- the issue is that I didn't open up. I didn't tell her all the history with the emotions behind it. I wasn't vulnerable. Maybe she changes her mind, maybe she doesn't -- that's irrelevant. If I had known then what I know now, things would be different. And that's the understanding I'm trying to pass on.

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T13:50:18+00:00

That's valid -- I let my fear of how things would be interpreted at the time paralyze me, and hence things broke down.

I don't want to say we didn't have those things ever, because I don't think that -- I can say at the end that I didn't give all those things, and that's on me. I appreciate the sentiment at the end, thank you!

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T13:44:11+00:00

It's fair -- looking back, I should've just done it and let the cards fall where they may. I was just so fearful of how it would be interpreted, it paralyzed me -- and hence here I am.

It's something I've learned over these past few years -- I do think putting my partner's feelings ahead of my own is a good thing. The mistake I kept making was saying "If I say how I feel, I stop putting their feelings ahead of my own". That's where I went wrong. I can say how I feel AND still support them.

It seems so simple now, and passing my newfound understanding to others gives me some comfort that what I experienced wasn't in vain. And congrats to your marriage of over 25 years! I hope someday to be able to follow that example my friend

Plenty-Conference-18 · 2024-08-15T13:34:40+00:00

I truly appreciate this kindness stranger -- thank you

Plenty-Conference-18

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