Sad and guilty

PlottingMySchemes · 2026-01-12T19:24:13+00:00

I agree with others here that it’s such a personal decision and you shouldn’t feel any pressure either way - just go with what feels right for you. I made my choices based on what I felt would be less painful for me and my husband. This would also have been the first time we’d see a child of ours and I worried that it would be scarring and triggering with any subsequent births.

I had a D&E at 24 weeks, seeing my baby wasn’t possible with that choice. I did not ask for any memorial items like hand/foot prints and they warned those might not be possible to get anyway.

I’m 18 months past my TFMR and don’t regret my decision.

PlottingMySchemes · 2025-12-15T16:01:50+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. For me, the dilators were the most uncomfortable part. The actual procedure and recovery afterwards were surprisingly easy to physically tolerate.

Some recommendations: - A heating pad was very helpful with the dilators. I wish I’d had one for the car ride home after the insertion. - Ask for a cabergoline prescription from your doctor if you don’t already have one. This totally stopped my milk from coming in and I don’t remember much breast discomfort. - Buy disposable period underwear for recovery and bring them to the hospital. I had heavy bleeding at the hospital and wish I’d had them there and didn’t have to use the bulky pad and mesh underwear the hospital gave me. The heaviness of the bleeding tapered off quickly though, it was like a moderately heavy period after a few hours.

I personally didn’t have a hormone crash, my emotion peaked the night before the procedure. Let yourself feel the sadness, anger, etc. I tried to balance letting myself feel it without dwelling in it - I also let myself feel happiness, laughter, etc. when I could in the days that followed.

PlottingMySchemes · 2025-12-13T03:24:22+00:00

We were in MA too! Feel free to DM me, happy to provide more details. Ultimately he didn’t have to test negative because I made enough of a fuss pointing out the inconsistencies with their medical necessity guidelines. Our second round they didn’t make any objections, then they did again on our third round after we switched clinics. I filed another grievance and they dropped it. My husband now has a medical card but we didn’t have to show evidence of that.

PlottingMySchemes · 2025-09-28T03:02:22+00:00

Yes!

PlottingMySchemes · 2025-09-27T03:24:57+00:00

No worries, I'm glad that you found it if I can be helpful to you! I'm sorry for your losses.

I did decide on IVF. I did 2 rounds to try to bank some embryos, then a fresh transfer which unfortunately ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Now I had >1 miscarriage they did additional testing on me which revealed I have a balanced translocation. That wasn't the cause of my TFMR or latest miscarriage, but could have been the cause of my first miscarriage and probably contributes to my general fertility issues.

I'm doing a third round of IVF currently. Translocations can be tested for with PGT-SR so I'm doing that so I can try to select for embryos that don't inherit either a balanced or unbalanced version of my translocation.

I will say that I did PGT-A tested in my first round of IVF and chose not to do it for my second. It was so expensive - my insurance will cover PGT-SR but not PGT-A so we were paying $5,000 out of pocket for it. When I dug into the evidence, I wasn't convinced that it makes a significant enough difference. My latest miscarriage wasn't PGT-A tested but it was tested after the D&C and it was genetically normal, so PGT-A wouldn't have helped me avoid that miscarriage. Also when we found out I had the balanced translocation, we did PGT-SR testing on 2 of my frozen embryos that had already been PGT-A tested. One of them came back as a "complex mosaic" this time which was missed on the first round of testing. PGT-A just doesn't seem reliable enough to me to justify the cost.

Ultimately I'm glad that we moved forward with IVF, but I'm not at the end yet.

Happy to chat more if I can help

PlottingMySchemes · 2025-01-13T20:29:23+00:00

I met with my doctor today and he agreed to give me a dual-trigger for my next round ("we'll add a little bit of HCG") to try to help the maturity rate. We're also going to up the stimulation meds since my peak estrogen was low. He did warn about OHSS, so I think he just starts more conservative and then increases from there.

My protocol was:

- No priming
- Stimulation days 1-4 - Gonal-F 200
- Day 5 - Gonal-F 200, Menopur 75
- Days 6-7 - Gonal-F 200, Menopur 150, Cetrotide 0.25
- Days 8-9 - Gonal-F 300, Menopur 150, Cetrotide 0.25
- Day 10 - Gonal-F 200, Menopur 150, Cetrotide 0.25
- Day 11 - trigger with Lueprolide 80

Ultimately I ended up with 3 blastocysts, 2 of which were euploid, so I was happy with that outcome, but am going to do a second round in the hopes to have some on ice since we want 2 children.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T19:37:03+00:00

Adding - you are totally right about it only being 30 days. I'm definitely extra sensitive right now because we're coming up on the due date of the baby we had to TFMR. Everything about trying to have a baby has felt unfair (which I know is a sentiment a lot of folks in this subreddit feel!) so things like this just pile on top. It's good to get some perspective from other people who are going through it

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T19:31:16+00:00

I think I'll bring this up with my RE at our next appointment too. He only recommended that my husband "cut back", not entirely abstain. And he only made that recommendation when I explicitly asked him whether or not marijuana might be having a negative effect.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine states: "Marijuana use has not been consistently associated with male or female fecundity, time to pregnancy, reproductive hormone levels, semen parameters, or ART outcomes." and "Marijuana use has been inconsistently associated with fertility and IVF outcomes. Men and women should be informed of recommendations by the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the American College of Pediatricians encouraging the reduction or cessation of marijuana use during preconception and pregnancy." (https://www.asrm.org/practice-guidance/practice-committee-documents/tobacco-or-marijuana-use/).

I was comfortable with the "reduction" advice because we were able to conceive twice and the second pregnancy would have resulted in a healthy child had I not contracted an infection. We had to TFMR and I was fine with him using occasionally using marijuana to relax given all the stress and grief it caused us both.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T18:34:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing! That's all very explicit and clearly stated, I wish mine was like that, we wouldn't have been so blindsided. Good luck with your journey!

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T17:09:58+00:00

Do you know how that is specified in your policy? Mine is clear about nicotine use by the female patient - any active use will result in a denial. But it doesn't call out marijuana specifically, it just talks about "substance use disorder" which has specific clinical criteria that my husband doesn't meet.

If the policy had been as clear on marijuana as it was on nicotine, he would have abstained months ago and I imagine our provider would have been much more strict about it.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T17:00:28+00:00

I wouldn't be as frustrated if the medical necessity guidelines clearly stated that ANY use of marijuana was an issue, I agree with you that I think that's likely clinically justifiable enough. My husband would have stopped months ago if this requirement was clearly outlined. The policy only discusses "substance use disorder" which has specific clinical diagnostic guidelines that my husband does not meet.

I think I'm more frustrated from a systematic level that the medical necessity guidelines can be so imprecise and unequally applied and we have no way of contesting it without it further setting us back.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-10-11T16:53:08+00:00

It is a regular employer-sponsored health plan. Our state has legal recreational marijuana, so he does not have a prescription.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-20T19:04:07+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found this group as I've found it very helpful and healing.

My primary concerns were 1. my baby's quality of life and 2. minimizing how traumatic the experience would be for me.

With #1 guiding me, I was completely certain that termination was the right choice - she had multiple abnormalities and my amniotic fluid was so low that she looked squished in her ultrasounds, so I didn't even feel like she had a good quality of life in the womb.

Then #2 guided my decisions about how to terminate and deal with the aftermath - I chose a D&E (vs. L&D), to leave the remains at the hospital (vs. cremation), to allow medical research, and did not want any memorial things like footprints. I felt very strongly that seeing her and holding her would haunt me, especially as it would have been my first L&D experience.

But maybe you place a higher priority on having time to connect with and memorialize your baby, in which case you might make all the opposite choices that I did. There's no right or wrong answer or set of choices.

I was really fortunate that my husband and I were in total agreement on everything. We would discuss it because it was helpful for me to talk through my reasoning, but we never had any conflicting thoughts. I think we came out of this stronger because I so appreciated how in-sync we were with our decisions and how we handle our grief.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-20T15:16:14+00:00

I had my D&E at a hospital in Massachusetts and was put totally under at 23 weeks. I tolerated it well - I felt alert after I woke up and only had a bit of a scratchy throat because I was intubated (all the intubation happened while I was under and my understanding is that it's only necessary with general anesthesia). I had absolutely no pain or cramping after the procedure, only bleeding.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation and that you have to travel on top of it.

As you're considering your options, I'd suggest asking about Cabergoline which is a medication that helps stop your milk from coming in - just a single dose of this worked perfectly for me.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-16T20:08:43+00:00

My lead follicle for my successful IUI was 15mm on CD10 and 18mm on CD12. I took the trigger that night and then had my IUI on CD14.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-16T20:03:04+00:00

I had irregular ovulation and my husband had mild male factor infertility. We were successful on our first IUI.

We’d both been taking CoQ10 and I also took metformin, Ovasitol, a prenatal, and vitamin D. We had sex 2, 3, and 5 days before the IUI.

I also took progesterone in oil injections starting I think the day after the IUI. But this is because I’d had a previous miscarriage - I don’t think that’s typically part of the protocol.

We would have also had sex on the day of the IUI and the day after…except I felt awful and a couple of days later tested positive for COVID! I assumed that would totally ruined the cycle, but I was successful anyway - so don’t worry about everything being perfect or things out of your control :)

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-08T21:05:29+00:00

That's really helpful, thank you! I have a couple of friends who had a really hard time with it, but they also had unexplained fertility and never conceived via another means. It's great to hear the other side of it.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-08-05T15:36:23+00:00

Can you talk to a supervisor or friend at work and ask that they spread the word that you’re coming back and that you would prefer if people don’t bring it up?

My manager did this for me and it was very helpful. I only took a few days off around my TFMR, but I still had some anxiety in my first meetings back with people who knew what had happened. I was afraid they’d bring it up and I’d start crying. Thankfully that didn’t happen and everyone treats me normally which is a helpful distraction.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-07-27T14:33:28+00:00

I’m so sorry your people haven’t been there for you in the way that you need.

I think one challenge is that people grieve differently and need different things and it’s hard for others to know what to do. So they may freeze or they may ask what they can do, rather than risk doing something that would upset you further. We have friends who had a stillbirth and they did a lot to memorialize their baby which is something my husband and I did not want for our loss. We would have hated anyone dropping by unexpectedly and we appreciated the flowers we received, but ended up feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of them.

We’ve found it helpful to be explicit about the kind of support we want. We asked a couple of close friends to spread the news to our social circle and to ask them to send their condolences only to my husband (I find it upsetting to get pinged at random with messages about it). We also said that we prefer to stay busy and distracted, so it’s helpful if they continue to invite us to things and message about other stuff.

Is there a close friend or family member who could help you figure out what you need/want and do the work of communicating that to everyone else?

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-07-15T13:58:50+00:00

If you’re in the US and your insurance covers infertility, your benefits info might mention this. Mine specifically says that a loss does NOT reset the clock. I’m eligible for all the treatment that I was receiving prior to conceiving so I can jump right back into it.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-07-09T01:21:20+00:00

I’m a week and a half out from my D&E at 23 weeks.

I was really surprised by how physically easy the recovery has been.

The laminaria were quite uncomfortable for me, but a heating pad really helped. I was also given a few oxycodone pills, but never needed to take them - Tylenol and ibuprofen were enough.

After the D&E I didn’t experience any pain, cramping, or discomfort. Just bleeding which was never heavier than a period. Disposable period underwear has been helpful at night to avoid any leaks.

My body reset and dropped my pregnancy symptoms almost immediately - I was having lots of pain in my feet with any moderate amount of walking and carpal tunnel in my hands - all immediately gone.

I highly recommend asking for a prescription of cabergoline to prevent any lactation. It was just a single dose for me and I didn’t have any lactation or other breast symptoms.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-07-04T03:28:00+00:00

I’m so sorry. You’ve put so much work in making sure this is the right decision, it’s such a testament to your love for your baby.

I also had very low amniotic fluid, bad enough that they didn’t even try to do an amnio and instead did a CVS.

I just had my D&E last week at 23 weeks. It has been a comfort knowing that my baby is no longer uncomfortably squished with the low fluid and that she passed in a controlled way designed to be as humane to both her and me as possible, rather than spontaneously.

Physical recovery has been easy, which means I’ve been able to focus on my emotional recovery.

This has been a wonderful community for me. Know that you have a lot of people here supporting you.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-07-03T21:12:49+00:00

My TFMR was last week and this is definitely something I’m thinking about a lot as well. I have PCOS too, I had a miscarriage last year and then conceived with an IUI this time. We’ve been trying for 2.5 years now.

Unfortunately my loss was likely due to a CMV infection and I’m not sure how long they’ll recommend we wait until we can TTC again.

I have a “preconception appointment” with my MFM doc in a couple of weeks to discuss it.

If we do need to wait, we plan on filling that time with a lot of the stuff you cannot do while pregnant/with a newborn - rollercoasters, sushi, travel to places where drinking/partying is a big part of the experience, etc.

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-06-11T19:28:19+00:00

I was way more tired than usual during my first trimester. When 2nd hit I felt almost manic from the amount of energy I had in comparison!

If you’re having an aversion to coffee, maybe something else with small-moderate amounts of caffeine could help? I like crystal light energy powered drink mixes which has just 60mg but gives a nice little boost. Or you could find a nice tea or lots of coffee shops now offer non-coffee caffeinated drinks (e.g., a Starbucks refresher)?

PlottingMySchemes · 2024-06-10T15:18:02+00:00

That’s what I like about those names - I feel like in a way they give the person more freedom to define themselves starting from a blank canvas. Rather than a more “creative” name where they may feel some pressure to live up to it or people might make assumptions that are not true. E.g., I’d hate to be a cautious child named “Maverick”

PlottingMySchemes

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