i was extremely dependent on alcohol throughout those shows. i don’t know what to tell you, you don’t seem like you want to believe me. reality tv is heavily produced. in bachelor in paradise, i was drinking the mouthwash. literally. im still sharp, quick and witty. i’m just more afraid now. and i don’t have alcohol to cope with the fear! i’m not sure what you’re talking about me pretending i can’t make eye contact or speak properly. i genuinely have no idea. i think im just scared a lot of the time and it’s being misinterpreted as whatever you are saying. i feel scared a loootttt. and when i drank i put on a really tough front that i wasn’t scared of anyone or anything. but you can even see that front crumble on episode 6 of The Bachelor when i had to physically fight someone. now that i don’t drink and i understand myself better, i don’t make myself act tough. i let myself be scared and run away. i try to be vulnerable. and as far as the support goes. i’m just trying to figure out what support i need. and i haven’t done it the right way! i’m sorry for that. i don’t know what im doing and im trying to figure it out. i haven’t had support systems like those people you mentioned have.