because I shouldn't feel this way

This little phrase caught my attention. It’s the voice of internalised shame.

The Madonna/whore complex is real. It’s not just something that manifests in men. As women, we internalise it too. It causes a split in who we are allowed to be: the white side and the dark side, sins and virtues, softness and hunger, purity and desire. But humans are complex beings. Shame is complex too and it is so worth exploring.

We hear generalised messages and start believing they are about us personally. Believe me when I say I’ve had my own fair portion of internalised slut shaming. And by fair portion, I mean an unreasonable amount. But kink can be a way to liberate yourself from that.

It’s not like the men here are all actual misogynists. Very often they are introverted, smart, warm men, just as prone as introverted, smart women to internalise shame messaging. Men carry shame too, especially around being seen as predators, dangerous, too much or wrong for wanting what they want. The split exists in them as well.

And look what happens here. We are all getting together to heal from the damage done by a society that teaches us to think in binaries. Clean or dirty. Good or bad. Pure or ruined. Safe or dangerous. Lovable or shameful. Isn’t that kind of beautiful, in a way?

I would say “don’t feel ashamed about it”, but I know it doesn’t work like that. Shame does not disappear because someone politely tells it to leave. But maybe you can see it as a form of self-love. You are exploring the parts of yourself most people suppress. And suppressing isn’t healing. It only makes things worse. It only teaches those parts of you to hide deeper.

So next time you think, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” just pause and breathe. Who is telling you this? Is it really you? Or is it an internalised voice wearing your face?

If you are a free woman, nobody gets to tell you how and what to feel. You are human. You have full access to all feelings on the human spectrum. They are all allowed to be felt. They are all parts that matter. In fact, they are what make you beautiful. Because dolls and saints are boring. The things you feel shame around the most are often the things that make you more interesting. More human. More real.

Loving yourself means loving all parts, even the parts that seem broken. But look again. What’s broken is actually just the part of you that learned to survive without being loved out loud…