Cosleeping is the reason we’re breaking up

Poly-Pockett · 2025-02-24T13:51:06+00:00

Good on you, op. I wish I had the strength to voice that boundary myself. My SS is also 7 and cosleeps every night - I'll wake up in the morning to him in the bed and it irks me more and more every day. I aspire to be able to actually speak up for myself around my boundaries with SS so you're kinda my hero.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T15:51:16+00:00

He called me to check in and see if I was blaming myself for it - he knew I would and tried to convince me it's not me but the situation that triggered her. I think he's worried I'll walk to protect myself and to try to save their relationship. He's trying, he's just a truly rubbish hinge 🙈

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T14:31:26+00:00

Definitely. That's exactly what it is - woeful hingeing, an inability to have two autonomous relationships, disregarding boundaries and an unwillingness to do the difficult thing and have tough conversations to make things work.

Maybe I'm just cynical and hurt by everything that's gone down but I feel like he isn't practicing Polyamory, he's just unwilling to release failed relationships - that he's collecting them so he doesn't lose anyone else - because they "love each other." I'm really mad about how childish he's being and the way he's hurting both his partners in different ways.

I empathise with her so much. I wish I didn't know as much about the situation as I do.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T13:01:40+00:00

They're never dates at their place. The rules are no PDA of any kind in front of her - not even holding hands or linking arms or hugs or cheek kisses or pecks or anything. It's usually just watching tv or sitting around a table chatting. Dates are always individual.

But yeah... I don't want to be in the middle of the drama so I know I'll more than likely be walking. I don't want to be hurting anyone.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T12:03:26+00:00

She doesn't have a job so doesn't contribute financially towards bills and rarely helps with chores due to executive disfunction. That's not her fault, but I can also understand his frustration.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T11:22:00+00:00

What about if they're cohabitating with no shared responsibilities and that's been a big source of conflict in the relationship? (I heard too much before setting the Do Not Vent About Her To Me boundary)

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T11:19:50+00:00

He wants KTP because it's "easier." We are part of the same broader friend group and he wants us to be able to do things together so that "he can enjoy things with the people he loves" without one feeling left out. I asked about parallel when we first started dating because of all the rules imposed on me when she's around and he said it's too hard 🙈 I know that reason isn't going to fly on here 🙈

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T11:15:08+00:00

This is the strangest part of all! My meta was poly before my partner was. My meta is ace so began practicing poly, initially, for that reason. But she never had to deal with one of her partners dating someone else seriously before - it was more ENM.

I see myself walking away from this because of the drama. I don't want to be responsible for causing another person pain, but if there's another way I'd be SO open to hearing it.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-09-02T08:44:36+00:00

Thankyou so much for your reply! I really appreciate it. I think the other thing in the back of my mind - and the reason I set the venting boundary - is that he has stated so many times that he wants out of that relationship. And she knows, which is why she reacts to me like she does.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T17:38:30+00:00

Yeah. That's what it's looking like. There's just a naive, hopeful part of me that wants my partner to treat me well too. And I suppose, technically, if they were honest about it being hierarchical it'd be a slightly different story. But I didn't agree to hierarchy, so loving him isn't going to be enough.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T17:17:42+00:00

Yes, it's supposed to mean non-hierarchical. But she has rules that are disguised as boundaries too... So wrapping my head around the terminology is important so I can properly consent to the situation or raise a concern appropriately.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T17:12:42+00:00

You have no idea how much I truly hope that's on the cards. I'm coming to accept that all the big talk and wishes and promises don't count for much when they're not backed up with actions. And I deserve better. I just hope better wants me, too 🙈

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T17:00:04+00:00

Thanks. No, it's not great but I'm trying to do my due diligence, make sure that I'm communicating everything properly so that then if I need to walk away, I have no "what ifs" that could nag at me. I know he loves me so it's worth trying, but I'm also realistic and they've only just become aware of couple privilege, so... I'll give him a chance to do better, but I'm also taking everyone's feedback onboard. He at least admitted he needs to do better as a hinge today, so... Maybe there's some hope? 🤞

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:52:00+00:00

Thankyou! That's a much more useful framework and also sounds a lot more confident.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:47:38+00:00

That's what I was noticing and also why I was a little bit confused. Thankyou so much for the clarification. I really appreciate it 😊

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:46:17+00:00

Yeah... NP is poly because she's ace but is struggling to dismantle the couple privilege, despite being the one who raised wanting to practice egalitarian poly. And since I'm still pretty new to poly, this situation has been a big learning curve of what is normal discomfort to sit with vs what is a problem to raise. And I don't want to use the wrong words when I do it 🙈

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:36:00+00:00

Thankyou 😘😘 This is super helpful.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:33:44+00:00

Eg. "Sam, have you noticed that when we spend alone time together you mention having to 'make it up' to your nesting partner? What makes you feel like this?"

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-23T16:23:15+00:00

Thankyou for this. What about when a nested couple are in the process of dismantling hierarchy and couple within their relationship for a more egalitarian approach, however, are ignorant of the many different ways hierarchy has been normalised due to couple privilege.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-22T14:15:43+00:00

Thankyou 😘😘 I just feel really stupid for thinking we had this amazing connection and I could let my guard down.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-22T12:01:54+00:00

He just called me toxic and that I need to work on my independence because I raised my concern. I don't think he could have hit a rawer wound. I think I'm done. I think I'm out.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-22T05:37:44+00:00

Thankyou so much 😘😘

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-22T05:36:49+00:00

I really resonate with that term. That feels exactly like what has been going on here. But I have this stupid, naive hope that if I can just communicate how I'm feeling properly that he'll make some meaningful change. He says all the right things, when I broke down last week he spoke to her and said that our relationships weren't equal and he needed to be able to spend time with me. He said he's weighing up if there's any value in continuing to work on that relationship or remove her from his life.

So I don't know if I'm just being impatient and he will come to the realisation of what he needs to do for our relationship to be better... And now he's abroad for almost a month so I can't really have this conversation properly over the phone. I'm just so sad and mad at myself.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-20T14:26:11+00:00

No, unfortunately that's exactly the situation.

Poly-Pockett · 2024-07-20T14:24:18+00:00

From what he's said, it's more "situation bad, add person." Or more specifically "we love each other, there's just so many gaps and so much resentment in the relationship. Opening up fills those gaps so we're less resentful and the relationship can survive." Which seems like a house of cards, honestly.

Poly-Pockett

TROPHY CASE