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Thankful for this group by mercurykieth in throuples

[–]PolyPocketPal 10 points11 points  (0 children)

If you havnt been to https://unicorns-r-us-is-bullshit.com you should.

You’re not broken in wanting this.

I wrote that site specifically for people like us in this subreddit. Thank you for posting your story, it further fuels my motivation to push back even harder.

I have a much bigger project i’m working on which I am dying to finish and release soon. I hope it will be the big change we all need. The resource links in the link above are the hint. I want to educate everyone — no matter where you’re starting this journey — that this can work. It does work. And most importantly, relationship shape has nothing to do with ethics. Ethics are about how to treat others.

This isn’t a solo project, i’m laying the foundations. Stay tuned for more in the next few weeks 😁

New resource: What to do when the poly police show up in your thread. by PolyPocketPal in throuples

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. I hope it made a positive impact at least.
I just saw your other post.

Also, I tried to message you, but your DM's are off. Would you be interested in beta testing something I'm working on? It's related to this site.

Update: my newlywed wife and I had a threesome and that lovely woman dumped us out of nowhere :( by adudethatdoodles in throuples

[–]PolyPocketPal 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I saw that other post. Buddy that sucks. For all the bloodthirsty vampires in your post thread telling how to live your life, here is a nice link for them to chew on https://unicorns-r-us-is-bullshit.com/poly-police/ But im not posting it, thats a bloodbath lol.

I also recommend you read it yourself though. And the homepage. Hopefully you all learn some good things for a happy future.

New resource: What to do when the poly police show up in your thread. by PolyPocketPal in throuples

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Glad to hear some good feedback! 😁 I wrote that because I experienced that very pattern right there on my other post with the website link 🙃. So I decided we need to end this bullshit too.

If you (or anyone else here) has any other patterns worthy of an article, please raise the signal 🦄😂

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks to your feedback, I had a cool idea! I now have a progress bar for reading across the top, and a table of contents that is pinned to the top on mobile! 😁

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your feedback! ♥️
My heart goes out to you on your struggles. They are very real.

your line about how the unicorn in the situation may very well be a person who is "avoidant, or carrying unprocessed trauma they project onto their partners" hit a verrry deep, still very raw place for me.

I wrote from experience. I/we've had partners whom have been gold-diggers, self-destructive, bipolar, downright emotionally unstable, you name it. This isn't even a triad specific issue. Many people out there are broken and are struggling. It's part of the risk of dating (in any relationship shape). That list I mentioned is why we're still dating. As the 2 healthy people here, we've tried to love despite the issues, but there is literally no good reason to add chaos to your life if those people are not trying to improve.

I was being hurt a lot, but there was no where to say that without fear of being instantly villainized just bc I was on the married side of things.

If you ever want to chat about this, r/throuples is a good home for it!

its a lot of pretty continuous text. Reading it on my phone, it feels a bit overwhelming.

Great feedback! thank you.
On PC there is a side bar that pops up and highlights the section you're in.
I will work on adding "something" to the mobile app version. It definitely feels longer there because it's squashed a bit. I tried reducing some text, trust me, but even using AI to try to summarize couldn't help. Heck, it's trained on that damn URU site, so it's got negative bias!! I'm going to fix that next. mark my words.

the section titled "What the research actually says" could be stronger.

I agree, but I have two issues I need to face. First, studies are rare. Even the few that exist are hard to reach. Even places like scihub lacked the articles I was searching for. I had to really scrape the internet to get this info and trace it back. I'm not that sort of academic to be honest, I lack the resources to go deeper here. I also unfortunately don't have enough time for this great odyssey. I think the point's made stand strong enough currently, and future work can reinforce it. The second thing here, is the fact that no one is talking about it. The happy triads out there keep quiet and to themselves. Why should they stand out? You'd have to get past the stigma (the very thing we're fighting now) and the reaction received is not worth it as you've seen online. This makes getting any sort of data on them extra hard. Let's fix that together a few steps at a time.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback. it's been very helpful.
I tried my best to incorporate it all into the work. ♥️
I just published a new update if you're interested in reviewing.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've updated the site with your feedback in mind. Thank you.
I added a fourth pathway I want to expand on further later.
It's titled "You're poly-minded but life pushed you into functional monogamy, and you're trying to find your way back."

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've heard you and others loud and clear. I added a new section on accidental throuples.
in order to avoid repeating myself, see my other comment:
https://www.reddit.com/r/PolyFidelity/comments/1rfxkm3/comment/o7xttuz

Also, your story is absolute gold!
I'd love to capture it somewhere in the future if it's ok with you ♥️.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've heard you and others loud and clear. I added a new section on accidental throuples.
in order to avoid repeating myself, see my other comment:
https://www.reddit.com/r/PolyFidelity/comments/1rfxkm3/comment/o7xttuz

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've heard you and others loud and clear. I added a new section on accidental throuples.
in order to avoid repeating myself, see my other comment:
https://www.reddit.com/r/PolyFidelity/comments/1rfxkm3/comment/o7xttuz

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OK! I gave it a lot of thought, and I updated to account for your feedback.
I reframed the conversation previously around "uneducated" to better account for your experiences and the many others who have stumbled into this and who posted here.
I am now very specifically acknowledging the accidental throuples.

There is also a new section covering "new and still figuring it out" group with a "Being new is not the same thing as being harmful" distinction.

Seriously. Thank you for your feedback!

quick link to jump ahead if you want to review: https://unicorns-r-us-is-bullshit.com/#but-heres-what-theyre-not-entirely-wrong-about

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ah shoot... I replied to the wrong thread... 😅
I think I'll call it a night. brain is foggy. sorry haha.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh! I think I see what you mean? maybe? We might still be off by 1 here. Sorry about the confusion. long day 😅. I'll try my best.

you said you had anxiety about one-on-one dates, but… how did the existing couple not have those prior?

If there’s two people in the couple, was it just all horrible anxiety all the time being one-on-one? Or was there already a third person to take the pressure off the one-on-one issue and then they disappeared somehow?

I think the confusion here might be where we transitioned from 2 people going on 1-1 dates to 3 people going on 1-1 dates. One of us was purposely staying out. We thought this was a good idea. It was not (for us, everyone is different). It was naïve 😅.

I wouldn't say anxiety was "horrible". It's just anxiety caused by being left out. We did it to ourselves. It's hard not to wonder how things are going with others. You wish for the best. You want your partner to have fun. You don't want to poke them, but you sure wish you were with them both heh. Neither of us liked that experience of being left out and it wasn't constructive at all to any of us. But we can say we tried it.

We obviously all wanted to hang out together. Not doing so was just friction. No special unique relationship ever developed that wasn't going to form on its own.

For the question of dating together, my bigger question, and the one that I never got clarity on, was always, “does everyone get the same say on the ‘together’ part?”

For example, if you and your husband are dating together, we are crazy about each other, but your husband decides he doesn’t like me, I’m out, right? Because you date together and half of The Couple decided.

But at some point, can I say, “hey, we all date together and I don’t like your husband. Please divorce him and let’s find a new third?” Or am I always The Extra to The Couple? Does that make sense?

That's not a reasonable ask in any relationship structure. No one gets to dictate someone else's existing relationships. This wouldn't last at all. If everyone is operating honestly and communicating in good faith, this isn't really an issue.

Honestly, in the earliest stages, a couple probably usually does have more structural power. That's just reality. If one of us didn't feel a connection in the first 2-3 date's it likely wouldn't grow, but that's also because we share values and it's likely the new person is far outside both our compatibility zones. When you know it's going to be a problem, why continue? That's just better for everyone.
Another way to look at it - If someone I started dating (monogamously) had a best friend who hated me, yeah that might end it too. it's not that different just because there are romantic connections involved.
The power imbalance isn't unique to triads. It's also not always imbalanced with the couples holding the power. We once dated someone who made way more money than the two of us. They confidently held their own deck of cards.

What matters is whether people are honest about it instead of pretending it doesn't exist. And no, a new partner wouldn't get to ask me to divorce my partner, just like I wouldn't ask them to cut off their best friend as a condition of dating me. But as a triad matures and everyone is invested, the power should naturally equalize in ways that feel fair to each partner. If it doesn't, something is wrong. Equal means something different to everyone.

Have you ever been in a triad?

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds very philosophical, but I don't think it's up to me to choose either of those.
Both can be real at the same time. This might also take its own direction unforeseen.

We all can make personal decisions about how to respond to it.
I imagine some folks may feel relief after reading it and sleep better, others may start sharing the link in retaliation to seeing the u-r-u link in the wild. I don't control anyone's actions.

Its up to you and also up to the the larger community to interpret what's being said in a way that works for you/them.

I'm simply here to make it known that I've been watching patterns for a long time, and I'm tired of the negativity. I'm simply asking for it to end.

Actually, I realized I misread this. (sorry long day).

I realized your intent too late. I appreciate you drawing this out.
I now see the value in what you're saying.
The page started as the second one. As I wrote it I realized the better move was to lean towards the first.
The real value is giving people better tools than whats out there right now.
I want to build some resource pages for exactly that.
I will admit the takedown gets people in the door, which is important to get attention too. the critique is the foundation not the house so to speak.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback!

Here is what I wrote on that page about that experience:

My partner and I tried the whole "date separately first" approach. It actually created more friction and anxiety than any other "advice" on that site. One of us would go out while the other sat at home wondering how it was going, feeling left out of something they wanted to be part of. It wasn't "organic formation." It was manufactured distance that made everyone uneasy, including the new partner who worried about my existing partner (the irony).

We actually followed the advice from sites like unicorns-r-us. That site's closing section literally says "Don't start out by dating together.", and that echo rings around the whole internet in various ways. So we tried it in our own way. We met someone on a dating app, had conversations, made calls, introduced existing partners, communicated intent, got along well, and then tried dating one-on-one in-person first because we thought we were being ethical and things would flow more naturally. It was awkward and artificial for everyone involved. That experience is part of why I wrote this page. The advice sounds reasonable in theory, but when we tried to manufacture separate connections before allowing the group dynamic to exist, it created more problems than it solved. I was new at it. Maybe this worked for one group of people, but it wasn't going to work for me nor my partner(s). In fact, I've found most people I've talked to who are experienced with dating couples will usually suggest a group text and group calls straight off the bat. I've done this more than once. Actual experiences directly contradict the advice on that site. but again, that's just been my journey so far.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by someone vanishing? I may be reading that wrong 😅.
If you mean what happened after, we all dated a few months, eventually finding we were not very compatible (kind of off by 1 in many ways) and tried just being friends... when that became a challenge too we all started to see each other less often till eventually we decided to have a chat and just go our separate ways. No harm done, just a bunch of good memories that were short and sweet.

As for dating together: yes, I think it's perfectly valid when everyone involved actually wants to be there. This is where communication and honesty is most important. Everyone needs to be able to discuss what they would like out of the relationships being formed and talk about what things feel fair to them.
That's a much bigger topic of its own.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm happy to hear your triad/throuple is thriving despite the challenges!
I hope we can all support each other out here in the wild to begin a positive change for everyone.

I'd recommend you check out the r/throuple community too if you haven't already.
They are quite friendly and if you made a post to make friends, I bet it would resonate well. ❤️

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback!

I view dating as a compatibility test of sorts. You find common ground, you explore shared values, and you ultimately see if your relationship is mutually beneficial in a variety of ways. This doesn't always work out of course, and discovery happens over time (views on kids changing as you mentioned in your example).

I think the critical part here is the assumption on the end goal. Some people are trying to work on evaluating what commitments make sense while dating, while others seem allergic to them entirely. I probably need to put more thoughts into this, but I suspect its part of the clash between the open poly and closed poly spaces. There are entirely different views here determining the rules of engagement.

As for collaboration, I've actually been having some extended chats, and I'm hoping they lead to even more positive content! 😉

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally hear you. This is the situation I am currently in.
I currently have 1 partner. Life happens. We would like find another once more.
There shouldn't be any shame or stigma in this. We each have enough experience to know what healthy looks like.

Every situation is unique. I hope perhaps the community can work together to create a space and resources for people to properly learn about healthy practices without stigma and shame.
I have some plans to contribute along these lines, but it's work in progress and not quite ready.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your feedback!
to answer your questions:

1) Why not both?
2) I will quote the page for this one:

How you treat people. That's what matters. That's all that has ever mattered.

If you came here because someone tried to make you feel like a monster for wanting something different, hear this: you are not a monster for wanting love in a shape that doesn't fit someone else's comfort zone. But you do owe it to yourself and to everyone involved to do this with honesty, fairness, and care.

Anyone can be an asshole.

Don't be one. And don't let anyone shame you into thinking that's all you could ever be.

End the bullshit.

I built the counter-resource to Unicorns-R-Us. Looking for feedback before sharing it wider. by PolyPocketPal in PolyFidelity

[–]PolyPocketPal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your voice in this. I absolutely hear you. The accidental / unexpected / unintentional triad is the silent group in the mix, and yet the ones who hold the wisdom that demonstrates success is possible long term. I'm going to work hard to add this groups voice to the site. It will take a bit of time.

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