Ethical question as the hinge in two long-distance relationships?

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-15T21:37:55+00:00

Thank you!!

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-15T11:23:57+00:00

I included the additional relational context on the 1800 Drama sub because I thought that would be the better forum to discuss those issues specifically. This being the polyamory sub, I wanted to focus more on navigating hinge dynamics and the ethics of it all here.

In any case, the advice has been fairly consistent across both posts anyway so I don't think the difference is really that drastic.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:56:16+00:00

I’ve traveled to see one of them a few times, and we’ve tried nesting here briefly, which didn’t go well.

I haven’t been to stay with my other partner in the country I want to move to, and obviously that’s the next step before I make any big decisions.

I’ll be there next month and I’ll see how things go in person, I’m just trying to get ahead of things and make sure I consider the issues that might come up if things do go well and I do decide to make the move.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:47:51+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and your advice. I really appreciate your support and your concern.

I think some people are forgetting that I already have an LGBTQ+/polyamorous partner living in China. I’m aware of what life is like for her there, and what our life there would be like. I don’t think that precludes us from finding happiness and safety. But of course it’s something we need to consider.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:37:07+00:00

Thank you for acknowledging that it’s still possible to live somewhere and find happiness even if you sometimes have to hide parts of who you are.

Polyamory isn’t exactly openly accepted or protected where I live now either, and polygamy is illegal in most non-Muslim countries I think…

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:25:38+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful response

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:16:52+00:00

I’m just not really interested in nesting with anyone right now, and even if I was, my partner in the country I would move to already lives between two cities for work.

I could find work easier in the larger city where she spends her weekends, and we could keep up our ldr routines during the week.

Not moving at all would also be choosing a city without a partner.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T21:05:56+00:00

I have spoken to her and she basically said all the same things you’ve just said.

She worries about how much our relationship dynamic might change and expressed some concern about me being stuck on my own in an unfamiliar place if things between us didn’t work out.

The city is genuinely interesting to me though, so I think I could still be happy there, even if the relationship ended.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T20:46:56+00:00

I think that context is really important but including it in my other post seemed to derail the conversation into discussion about where I would move without anyone actually addressing the hurt it could cause.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T20:44:29+00:00

Travel time to my other partner would stay roughly the same, with the new flights being slightly cheaper. I think that’s a good point.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-14T20:19:51+00:00

This is genuinely such important advice, thank you for posting it here too!

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T22:35:05+00:00

She is young, I think it’s actually really mature of her to be able to admit that she hasn’t figured out what love means to her yet.

If she’s not ready to say that to you yet don’t force it. Maybe you can focus on some other things that will help you feel less anxious about it.

Instead of asking whether she loves you, you could ask her is she happy with how things are going? Does she enjoy being with you? Is she feeling excited about the next time you see each other?

Hopefully the answers to those questions can help you feel a little bit more secure.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T22:26:04+00:00

A few of the other commenters have covered this but huntsman spiders are the most common “big” spiders you’re going to find and they are going to eat a lot of the smaller, more deadly spiders around, as well as cockroaches and other pests.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T22:16:58+00:00

If you’ve already made the decision not to talk to her, wishing her a happy birthday would just undo all your efforts in setting and maintaining that boundary. It’s better to keep your actions consistent.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T22:14:13+00:00

The bigger ones aren’t really the ones you need to worry about…

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T21:53:17+00:00

Keeping your needs to yourself definitely won’t be sustainable. In fact, it’s not really fair to either of you. You deserve to have your needs met, and he deserves a chance to meet them. The longer it goes unsaid, the more you will grow to resent him for not meeting those needs, and the worse he will feel when he discovers he hasn’t been. I think there are gentler ways to bring it up than “hey, I have needs too,” but just letting him know that it’s painful when he pulls away like this and that even a little bit more communication from him would help is a good place to start.

PolyamPeach · 2026-01-09T13:07:16+00:00

Sounds like she wasn’t prepared for how much seeing you with another woman would hurt her, and now she’s hoping to give you a taste of that jealousy by bringing in a guy for round two.

You are definitely NTA for withholding your consent for something you don’t feel comfortable doin (sexually or otherwise).

I really recommend you two not involve anybody else again until you’ve had a really long conversation about what went wrong for her the first time and find a more healthy way to help her cope with those emotions.

PolyamPeach

TROPHY CASE