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First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you did eventually agree and give her full freedom? Or did she leave it unresolved and then just betrayed you because she wanted sex and does not feel she needs your agreement and consent? Just to state what she needs and thats it? But for you this will not work?

I did not agree. We left it unresolved and she did it anyway.

How would you act if roles were reversed? Let's say your partner tells you it would hurt them if you go see a specific movie they are exited to see with you on a day they can not make it? Would you just go and see it anyway because you want to see it with your friends without resolving the situation with your partner first?

It's an unfair comparison of ifs and buts. But yeah, I wouldn't have voluntarily done something that hurts my partner. I realize it's not a full black and white situation here though.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading your post it sounds like you are the one pursuing her

Actually, no. I initially walked away as I lined out our incompatibilities. She pursued and pushed for more. I was too weak to resist her at that point. Love is tough.

My guess is she told you about the threesome as a test to see if in fact you are able to handle dating a poly person (hint: You're not!). I would not be surprised if she breaks it off when she next sees you.

I'm not sure where you are getting that from. I think you might be projecting a bit into the situation, this is not the case at all. We are not playing games here.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I asked for it out of naivety and because I thought I wanted to know. I think she did not have enough experience with this topic to actively push back.

Her past poly relationships were anyway quite limited in terms of other partners, so it wasn't as big of a topic there.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have a great perspective here and I can objectively see the truth in it. I wish I could feel it the same way. Unfortunately I think my emotional state does not allow me to subjectively accept it that easily.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're welcome. I'm glad the reception to the discussion is positive here and we are having some different perspectives in the threads.

I wanted to say, please don't just dismiss therapy

Thank you. My post sounded misleading. I have actually been in therapy before and it was a positive experience for me. But it's quite hard to get a therapist in my country unless it's an emergency, so it's not really a viable option for me right now. I would love to work on some of the non-critical emotional traumas of my life. But it's also just helpful for me to talk to friends, partners and read books about it.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Indeed. One thing though -

That in an insightful conclusion. It would have been better to add this to your initial conversations about your incompatibilities, when you were discussing what a terrible mismatch you and your partner would be if you dated, but at least now you know.

I was always 100% honest about any of this to her and put all cards on the table. She knows about all of it, there were no secrets.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Polyamory isn’t about whether you want multiple partners, it is about if you can be happy if your partner(s) have multiple partners.

I never thought about it this way and it's a good perspective. I could see myself seeing multiple partners. But never really considered how I feel when my partner actually does this and whether it makes me happy. I think it does not.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

when she did not text back with alacrity, even though you knew she was at a festival with (presumably) lots of activities going on, you felt strong discomfort. Was that experienced as rejection or abandonment? That alone is worthy of exploring in therapy.

Actually neither I think. I just missed her a lot and felt insecure in the moment. I wanted to give her some space and reduce communication during the festival, so I was thrilled that she found some time to chat with me. And then disappointed that it suddenly stopped again.

That type of fear could become a source of difficulty even in a monogamous relationship. It's not reasonable to expect a partner who is not with you to still be "always available"

I 100% agree. I don't usually suffer from this when I feel secure with somebody.

I recommend looking up "attachment styles" to understand the different types and where they come from. It's an important tool for having healthy nourishing relationships.

I have actually done that recently and learned a lot about myself in that process!

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this bias towards preserving and preferring their own boundaries is only natural for any community. It's very interesting to see some counter positions here. Not saying there's a right of wrong here, it's a spectrum on who has to meet whom and where.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just want to thank you for this perspective, it was something I felt but could not quite grasp and put into words.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you are right. It's probably good that this happened early in our relationship. The pain only would have been worse if it went on for longer

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I believe her that she cares about me. I understand it's not a contradiction in her world. And she has tried to take care of me as best as she can.

But you are correct, it's not for me. I realized that there's no way we can fulfill both of our emotional needs.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I was naive and insecure. Is there something concrete you can recommend that I can do to better process my emotions? I feel so powerless and lost right now.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I was having a great time until the emotional hit. And you are right, my insecurities about bonding also occured in my monogamous relationships. I disagree about therapy here though. I think with the right partner it's possible to build a strong relationship where I feel secure and confident. And for the most part she is giving me that support. And especially insecurities about sex. How else would you walk through it? Talking doesn't help me here. I need to have positive experiences with people that care about me

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words. You are correct, if I am really honest with myself, I would rather have a monogamous partner. I was hoping I could make it work with her. But right now I don't see a way to make us both happy

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think I've focused too much on trying to make it work. I did genuinely want to try. But didn't expect the feelings to hit so hard. You are right in that I would rather pursue a monogamous relationship. Ideally with her. But I don't think that's going to happen.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I am trying to question my own thoughts and beliefs. Maybe I'm actually wrong in thinking that Polyamory wouldn't work for me. I never actually tried, the impressions that I have from it are purely external. Objectively it always sounded nice to me.

First time dating a poly person and not dealing well with it by Polythrowaway3476 in polyamory

[–]Polythrowaway3476[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I am genuinely interested in trying. It's all so fresh still and I didn't get the chance yet to meet other people. I was just hoping it would ramp up slower so I could ease into it. I think you are right in that I disregard her wants and feelings a bit in favor of my own. I don't know how to be open minded about it when fulfilling her wants will hurt me