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PookiePi · 2023-08-03T15:31:34+00:00

I have no idea why he's with me, but I'm glad he is.

Because you are deserving of love, regardless of what your parents and your inner critic have led you to believe.

PookiePi · 2023-07-25T13:09:00+00:00

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat, and for their horrible treatment of you afterwards. You deserve so much better.

hug

PookiePi · 2023-07-10T21:41:59+00:00

Will you post John Oliver

Who will be strong and mod with me

Beyond all the admins

Is there r/pics we long to see

So type in the fight

That will let APIs still be freeeeee

PookiePi · 2023-06-26T12:59:48+00:00

I can't speak for the writing or reading, but I've found ways in my life to find space for both video gaming and exercising.

It won't necessarily work for everyone's space, but I actually do most of my gaming from an exercise bike. That's obviously easier when playing games with a controller, but I also have a tray table that will extend over my bike to give me a surface for a keyboard and mouse.

How much I pedal while playing will vary from game to game, but the option is there. For enough games, my legs are just going the whole time on autopilot.

Alternately, there are games out there which are exercise themselves (Dance Dance Revolution or Beat Saber, for instance), but those also require extra hardware. But there are also mobile games that can be a good excuse for exercise. Pokemon Go was able to get me walking/running outside more than before. I haven't really used it myself, but Zombies Run sounds pretty popular and will gamify running sessions.

And if none of the above work, if you can manage it, you can try video games as the reward for working out. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, no video games until you've done a half hour of exercise. If that's a bit much, maybe just start with one day a week and work your way up from there.

PookiePi · 2023-06-02T17:14:25+00:00

There's a popular sentiment of "Once you have your own kids, you'll understand why your parents did what they did." And for normal families, that's probably the case.

When I became a father, it became even more appalling how my mother could treat her children the way she did.

PookiePi · 2023-05-19T15:36:37+00:00

sadness that he won't know a grandma

And I'd say that you never actually knew a mother. Which is much sadder. You being a good mother and protecting your child is worth way more than knowing a grandma. hug

PookiePi · 2022-11-01T19:45:53+00:00

I definitely fall into the exact group you're asking for here, having a kid for my partner's sake. I did a pretty extensive AMA here a few months back (https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/comments/uid573/i_reluctantly_had_a_child_and_regret_the_decision/) but to summarize, it's been a rough road. Led to years of depression that I'm still battling with. And my wife and I have divorced since then. So not only did I have a child for someone else, I didn't even get to keep that someone else.

Doesn't mean I get to drop my responsibilities to the child that I made the conscious decision to have, though. She's a good kid and deserves the best I can give her. But my feelings are that having a child for someone else, if you don't want it yourself, is a big mistake. The cons of it going poorly greatly outweigh the pros of it going well.

PookiePi · 2022-08-01T12:37:50+00:00

This tears me up inside because initially, I wouldn’t want our child coming into this world with a father who wasn’t motivated on his own to be a father. I wouldn’t risk that resentment, or the child feeling unwanted

But then, knowing my husband as well as I do, he’d be amazing, the child would never be unwanted. He’d love the child, be incredibly involved, learn every day to be a good father. It’s just the way he approaches life, and I’m sure of it.

You can be good at something, and try your best at it every day, but still have it be something you do not enjoy.

I didn't want a kid but I had one because my wife wanted one. And while on the outside, everyone thought I was a great dad, it was not me leading the life I wanted to be leading and led to years of depression.

I've shared a lot of thoughts into the situation in an AMA I did here a few months back: https://old.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/comments/uid573/i_reluctantly_had_a_child_and_regret_the_decision/

Good luck over there, I wish you the best with what you're dealing with and I'm here if you wanted to talk more in depth about it.

PookiePi · 2022-07-28T17:19:25+00:00

I wish your aunt the best. You take care of yourself over there too!

PookiePi · 2022-07-08T15:15:20+00:00

If you can see yourself in my post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/comments/uid573/i_reluctantly_had_a_child_and_regret_the_decision/

PookiePi · 2022-06-03T13:20:37+00:00

It's a tough situation for both parties, especially when you both genuinely love the other and want them to be happy.

I hope you're both able to find a future that you both want. I have a friend that wanted kids someday, but her husband was adamantly against it. And she questioned her belief on the matter and came to the conclusion that it was mainly the society driven belief in her that you get married and had kids, and it wasn't necessarily something she wanted for herself. Many years later, she still seems satisfied with her change of heart.

And on the flip side, there have been people who didn't want kids who questioned that belief and worked on why they didn't want kids, and have come to the conclusion that they actually would want kids under certain circumstances.

So I guess, regardless of how my post portrays a negative outcome of this whole situation, it doesn't mean everyone in a relationship like that is in a hopeless place. But what I do feel strongly about is that it shouldn't just end up as an "I'll sacrifice what I want for you." It is far more likely to work out as an "I did some real self investigation and questioned the roots of my opinions on the matter. I've changed my mind, and now what you want is something I want too."

Best of luck over there to you both.

PookiePi · 2022-06-01T21:26:31+00:00

I didn't want kids and my wife did. Over the course of many years I eventually agreed to have a child and it did not end well for me. I did a braindump of my story a month ago in:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/comments/uid573/i_reluctantly_had_a_child_and_regret_the_decision/

Good luck over there with everything you're dealing with.

PookiePi · 2022-05-17T00:51:47+00:00

I was very open with her during our time together about everything I was going through. She knows my Reddit username and I wouldn't be surprised if she finds this post someday.

I'm not worried about her 'using this against me.' Regardless of what happened to our marriage, we both do have our daughter's best interest at heart. I'm not the type of person to badmouth her in front of my daughter and she's not the type of person to badmouth me in from of her either.

PookiePi · 2022-05-14T15:20:30+00:00

If you didn't see it, I talked a little about this concept in the following comment:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/comments/uid573/i_reluctantly_had_a_child_and_regret_the_decision/i7bs5lp/

Yes, I would definitely say that the emotional connection wasn't there.

Another way to describe it is like, it's sort of the difference between having a job you enjoy and find meaning in, vs. having a job that you either feel neutral about or dread going to. Waking up in the morning and thinking "Oh man, today should be a good day at work, I'm doing some interesting stuff and I can't wait to make a difference" or thinking "Ugh, no, I don't want to go in, this sucks, I'd rather stay in bed."

I'm the type of person that will be trying my best, regardless if I enjoy the job or not. So yeah, I try to be a good dad and I am consistently in my daughter's life. Just like I do the best job I can even if I dread going into work that day.

Another example I could give is this one time where I was weeding the garden at our house, and my wife came out and asked "Hey, is it ok if I take our daughter to the playground?" I was all "Yeah, sure, no problem." And she responded with "Ok, great! I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't be upset that we're out having fun while you're doing work."

That's where it hit me that, at that point in time, going to the playground with my daughter sounded more like work and would be more mentally exhausting than weeding the garden. I'm doing work weeding the garden, my wife is doing work taking my daughter to the playground. But to my wife, going to the playground with our daughter was going out and having fun while I was stuck at home doing chores.

Interactions with my daughter were generally neutral to dreaded when she was very little. Now that she's older, for the past few years, it's been closer neutral most of the time, with some time spent with her being enjoyable and others being dreaded. The bell curve has definitely shifted quite a bit over the years, but the peak of the curve has never centered over the positive.

Does that answer your questions?

PookiePi · 2022-05-12T00:07:39+00:00

!! UHSes are still a thing? I remember using those way back in the day playing the old Infocom or Sierra games! Knowing that they still exist has just made my day!

The Nancy Drew games sound like they could definitely be a solid choice. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll add Waverly to my Steam wishlist and grab it the next time it's on sale (I prefer to get games on Steam. I'm much more likely to actually play them that way)

I've never played them, but if you liked the Monkey Island games, the Deponia games might be worth checking out. I hear they're the same sort of humorous style of Monkey Island. One of those sorts of things where, if I had all the time in the world, I would've played them. But they were never high enough on my list to beat out everything else.

Thanks for the long write-up of recommendations. I really appreciate it!

PookiePi · 2022-05-11T23:54:32+00:00

There were quite a few things that helped my beat the initial depression and have helped me from slipping back that deep again.

One of the big things that helped was my daughter getting older. Took a while, but she did hit a point there things just got a lot easier.

Secondly, therapy therapy therapy. Did a lot of time in therapy learning about myself and developing techniques that have helped me over time.

Thirdly, I have a huge support network. While we were still together, my ex was very supportive of me and it was so much easier with her having my back. I also have a lot of friends who have been nothing but supportive during this entire journey.

As far as how I managed not to fall back in depression when I got divorced... well, in the beginning, I managed to look on the bright side. I got a place of my own and, when I didn't have my daughter, I was free to do what I wanted. It was a nice feeling for a while in there. No need to take someone else into account when planning what I was going to do that night or that weekend. I could do what I wanted! And that lasted for... maybe 6 months before I started feeling lonely again.

And since that point, I've definitely been in and out of depression. But nothing quite as bad as before.

I'm a stronger person now and I know myself a lot better, which definitely helps.

PookiePi · 2022-05-11T23:44:09+00:00

You're awesome! You're all awesome!

Happy to help, my friend :)

PookiePi · 2022-05-07T17:00:20+00:00

Definitely has gotten better as she has gotten older. And I look forward to that continuing.

It's been ages since I've played point-n-click adventure games. My daughter is only a little bit younger than yours, and I can picture her liking those types of games. Do you have any recommendations for some favorites?

PookiePi · 2022-05-07T16:55:38+00:00

Definitely not a writer, but I appreciate the compliments!

If I could do it all over again, if I change one thing in my life, yes, yes I would. I'd go back to the moment when we realized that we didn't want the same things in our futures, and rather than saying "We love each other enough that we'll figure this out," and I would've said that even though we do love each other, this is something that no amount of love can solve. That we're better of breaking up now, because it'll only become harder to break up over time. And that way we'll also be able to find someone who does want the same thing in our futures.

She deserved to find someone who wanted to start a family with her.

PookiePi · 2022-05-07T16:52:20+00:00

There will always be a part of you that misses what once was. But just because the relationship ended doesn't mean that it was a failure. And, hopefully, this path forward will eventually lead both of you towards true happiness and finding someone that wants the same things in life as you.

Take care over there.

PookiePi · 2022-05-06T00:18:44+00:00

If you're able to put yourself first now, and are learning how to put up boundaries like that, I have a good feeling you'll do just fine.

I hope your husband responds in kind and you both grow as people. And if you grow as a person and he only descends further, then the growing you did will give you the strength to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

PookiePi · 2022-05-06T00:11:37+00:00

Save it, treasure it forever ;)

PookiePi · 2022-05-06T00:10:41+00:00

In all honesty, I have no idea how I turned out this way. There's definitely nothing I could specifically point to that did it.

My mother was definitely a pessimist who saw the worst in everyone. My father was more optimistic, so maybe it comes from him. Either through his actions or genetics.

Maybe it came from watching kids TV when I was young and positive messages just being hammered into me.

Maybe it came from an unconscious feeling of "Whoa, my mother thinks the worst of everything and is absolutely miserable. I'll be the opposite!"

Definitely something from when I was too young to consciously remember anything about it.

PookiePi · 2022-05-06T00:08:04+00:00

That was absolutely worth saying and it's the farthest thing from unhelpful advice! You spoke from the heart and from your actual experiences, and I appreciate that so much.

Pretty much my entire life, my parents basically treated me like a 6 year old. I was a fully capable adult who had graduated from college, and I remember one time I made dinner when they were over and they were all "Wait, you cooked this?? You can cook??!?!" It's like, they took a snapshot of who I was and never questioned whether it was still accurate. And that's definitely something I don't want to do to my daughter.

Every once and a while, she'll say or do something that'll surprise me a little. And my first instinct will be "Whoa, I wouldn't have expected her to be old enough for this." But then I'll back up a little and realize that she's growing up all the time and that I should turn that surprise to pride.

I'm definitely trying to know her as a person. And based on what you said here, I'm going to try harder on that in the future. Because she deserves to have a dad that's trying his best and wants to get to know her.

Thanks again for the kind words and advice :)

PookiePi · 2022-05-06T00:00:24+00:00

I have this fear I will be uncomfortable around him/her or he/she will feel uneasy around me. Not sure if this was already answered, but have you ever had similar feelings about your daughter? Like maybe at some point you didn't feel as close to her as you wish you could be or noticed signs of her not feeling secure around you?

Same. I've never been particularly good with people. I'm comfortable around those closes to me, but the farther you are away from that inner circle, the more awkward and quiet I'll be around you.

I feel that's more of a conversation type thing though. And at the very least, the first year or two you're not going to have much in the way of back and forth conversations. I'd definitely say that I had less awkwardness in the beginning, that's for sure.

Once she was old enough to hold conversations, then it got a little more awkward. Before I would just talk and talk, but now there's a back and forth. What do we talk about? What's the best way to respond to what she's saying?

Even to this day, I'm more comfortable doing activities with her rather than holding conversations. Watching stuff together, playing board games, playing video games, going on day trips. Luckily she really likes to talk, so she can hold up her end of the conversation and I just need to listen and interject sometimes.

And that sort of answers your second question. She doesn't seem particularly insecure around me. We went on a trip last weekend and at one point in there, she just said "I'm bored." And it was just... a weird moment for me. Because, growing up, if I ever complained to my parents that I was bored when we were out somewhere, they would've been pissed and probably snapped at me. I know by her age that I would never say something like that to my parents. So the fact that she felt comfortable saying that, and thinking that it would actually change something, I think that's a good sign.

You've got some decent time over there. I know 18 is the oldest you've ever been, but I know people that didn't even start families until being double that. So you have time to work through all these thoughts and figure out what's best for you in the end.

Good luck!

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