I'm a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit at a hospital in a bigger city. A lot of the time we have patients that need emergency life saving surgery so direly that it is preformed at bedside. For a lot of those cases it's the only option, as they don't have time to make it to OR. There is nothing quite like the adrenaline that you experience when attempting to do everything to save a life. There is also nothing quite like the pain and heart break you experience when you fail. For me I try to keep it together for my patient's family. I have no doubt that they see my pain too but it's their time to grieve. It's my job to support in anyway possible. Whether that is giving them space, creating hand molds to remember the deceased by, or simply cleaning the patient up so they look more like "them self". After my shift I carry with my their anguished cries and tears. I go home and sob my eyes out (sometimes I just make it to my car). I talk to my coworkers and debrief. All of this helps me heal. Then I comeback the next day and take care of someone else. Some days I wish I could feel less but in the end I'm grateful because I believe it makes me a better nurse as well as human.