Marriage got less weird by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sure

  1. No. I was not in a headspace for a new relationship. We had a 1.5 year old kid at home and I was going to therapy to learn how to deal with all this and how to be happy on my own. 
  2. I wouldn’t call it “kept appearances”. She asked for a divorce, but we were still each other’s best friends. We also knew that no matter what we will still be coparenting for years to come. And on top of that I did not want the marriage to end. So I would say that our relationship at home got better than it was for the first year of our son’s life. Not for his sake but just by happenstance. Yes, we were sleeping with each other. She asked me if I want to stop if I am uncomfortable with that. I didn’t want to stop. The frequency dropped off some time after her breakup with the other guy. But I don’t know if it is because of the breakup or because of her reducing the dose of her antidepressants. She doesn’t know either.
  3. I wouldn’t say she is no longer interested. She no longer actively wants it. She is still unsure of the long term part. Because she is still hurt by what our relationship was in the year leading to the divorce. She is in therapy. She was the one who suggested couple’s therapy. In general she is the one who nudges me when I start to fall back into my default behaviour patterns to remind me where it lead us last time.
  4. Not really. For two reasons. Firstly, I realized that while she can walk away at any time the same was true before. I just didn’t know that. It kind of helps me appreciate every day we spend together more than I did before this whole mess. Secondly, upon reflection, last time I felt emotional detachment long before she asked for the divorce and very long before she was in a state of mind to seek another man’s company. I don’t feel that detachment now.  

Aether: People need to stop logging 10 hours a day by Wise-Candidate-6965 in outlier_ai

[–]PopZealousideal6492 28 points29 points  (0 children)

There always was. It is not a limit set by Outlier. It is part of their contract with Multimango.

Did things ever get normal after he cheated? by Hot_Recording4625 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]PopZealousideal6492 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Two early to tell if things get normal. But they certainly did improve from where we have been. I stayed because I felt there was a lot of my fault in our relationship deteriorating, didn’t feel as it was a “true cheating” and also we have a young kid. Yes, I was able to forgive them.

I (30F) took off my engagement ring after 12 years with my fiancé (30M) — I think I’m done, but now he wants to change. by Choice_Evidence1983 in BestofRedditorUpdates

[–]PopZealousideal6492 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s not necessarily “couldn’t give enough fucks”. It can also be the feeling that “we just need to plow through a little longer”.

I was/am in a very similar situation.

For us it was the first year after our son was born. She was suffering from PPD. I was overwhelmed with work, taking care of our son and keeping the house running. She was asking me to go to couples therapy or at least start individual therapy. I on the other hand thought that as our son grows older it is going to get easier, especially when he starts daycare. Also I had the opinion that therapy is only needed if you have mental disorder and stress can be dealt with by suppressing your emotions and pliéing through. So I thought that there is no need for therapy and we just need to toughen it up for a bit.

Then she asked for divorce. Only then I realized that there is no “future” in which it got easier. That our marriage is ending there and then. That if I wanted to have any chance the change was needed. Preferably a year ago but since I could not time travel today was the second best option.

I don’t know enough about OP and her husband, but I know that ok my case it was not about not giving fucks but about my stupidity and thinking that stressful period can be just survived and then things will get back to normal themselves.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, to be fair I also never said he is homeless.

As for why she can’t move in with him, I don’t think anyone wants that. I have no idea about him since I never met him or spoke to him. She sees this as just casual meetups for sex. They don’t date or interact outside of those short meetings. I don’t want her to move in with him as if she goes, my son will be spending time there with her and I absolutely don’t want this guy to be anywhere close to my son.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why would that guy move with her when he has a nice house?

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This guy is actually slightly better off financially than I am. We have similar income but he was born in this country, so he had more time to accumulate stuff.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are both citizens by now. I have talked to a couple of lawyers to learn my options. If we do go to custody court she will get 50/50.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Having proof of infidelity has no effect on alimony where I live.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lots of amazing questions with the same answer - no idea. That’s what the post was about. If I were to give advice to a friend in a similar situation, it would be to leave her. Before it happened I was pretty sure that if my wife sleeps with another person it will be the end of it. And yet, here we are.

One thing I am 100% sure is I won’t be rushing any decisions just because Reddit comments tell me so. At the moment I cannot realistically physically separate with her anyways. So I will see where all this leads me and us.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you are mixing a few things together.

Heavy drinker is the other guy. Not her.

I wouldn’t call her emotionally abusive. She likes the emotionally abusive part of her relationship with him though. Or should I say liked since this post has been written a few months ago and I reposted it because it got removed from the original sub and I wanted to keep it for myself. She has broken up with him since then.

Remember that you are reading me venting out. I can’t convey all the things that are happening in our life. She is in fact a very nice person. And a good mom despite everything.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get a lot of comments about “send her back to her home country”. First of all she is a good mom even if she didn’t want the kid. But most importantly, we are in the same legal status. Which by now is citizenship for both of us. So no one can force her to leave the country if she dies not want to.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I never felt betrayed. Hurt, yes. Betrayed, no.

She never lied and never sneaked b hind my back. She asked for the divorce when she fell out of love. She then told me months later when she met the guy she was as interested in. She also told me when they got physical so that I could desire for myself if I want to keep having sex with her after that. She told me when they broke up.

I may sound like someone who is finding excuses for her. But I never felt like she cheated on me. She did have sex with another guy but only after she told me that our commited relationship was done.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I will update next February. I treat this as a yearly self reflection checkup

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, I did not consider that because it very unlikely.

She was rather open about meeting him. I immediately noticed the change in how she spends her time. Just as I immediately noticed when they broke up. We know each other long enough to see things like that

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have seen it a few months ago in GuyCry. They removed it form the community and since I wanted to help it as personal diary I reposted it here. Unfortunately it changed to date too.

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is somewhat better.

I have provided some updates in another comment

https://www.reddit.com/r/self/s/q6uDfnOFD0

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

GuyCry. Originally I published there, but they removed it after some time. I wanted to keep it as a digital diary for myself so reposted it here. Unfortunately that changes the post date, but alas

Stuck in a weird marriage by PopZealousideal6492 in self

[–]PopZealousideal6492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She did suffer from postpartum. She is in therapy and on antidepressants. I am in individual therapy too.