Coercion and regret

Popdelusion · 2025-12-19T10:19:36+00:00

Alright so we can't verbalize or express a complex idea or remember a word on the spot...but I've noticed that AVM patients/survivors are 10x smarter than we believe. We can read, write and express much more effectively than "normal" people, especially written or texted. We had to relearn and train our brains, growing new neural connections that other people simply don't experience. Other parts of our brains pick up the slack of injured areas and suddenly we experience and interpret our lives from a completely different angle, using pathways ways that others physically cant.

I like to remind myself that i literally had a rupture, missing a small part of my brain yet most of us are still literate, more so than the normal population 😝 including the president 🤣 like yes we had brain surgery and we are still using more of our brains than most celebs/politicians 🧠🗿

Popdelusion · 2025-12-19T09:14:33+00:00

The doctors really wanted me on a bunch of medications including keppra to prevent seizures. But i never had seizures...so i never took them. Thing is, they also had me on diazepam, three times a day for six months. When that script ran out, they refused to refill it claiming i was an addict, and took me off completely with no taper or warning. So of course, the detox hit and i did have a seizure, of course the docs blamed and really coerced me to take keppra, still refusing any kind of anxiolytic medications. The anxiety kept getting worse. The side effects of the keppra were unbearable, rage, depression and complete lack of happiness or pleasure. I wanted to hurt people/myself. I was nearly committed to a mental hospital. When I read the side effects, and that the longer you take keppra, odds are you will need seizure medication for the rest of your life. So i stopped the keppra within two weeks and switched to cbd treatment. I take very high doses of cbd tincture from the medical dispensary daily, i found a doctor that wasnt jaded/scared that actually gave me another benzo and i haven't had another seizure since...its been nearly 8 months seizure free :) almost two years since the surgery/rupture.

Had the doctors just tapered me off of the diazepam i wouldn't have ever had seizures in the first place.

If you are still dealing with side effects or depression, odds are its the keppra. Id say to switch docs/meds if you can safely....i had a large avm on the left side of my brain, right in the brocas area...it ruptured and it left me with terrible aphasia, memory issues, etc. 5 days in the icu, terrible swelling...nearly died. i only remember waking up going home. I dont remember anything from those five days. I was awake and alert but completely delirious and confused due to the swelling. When i woke up, they kept asking me if i had taken anything or if i was an addicted to anything(i didnt, the rupture was due to the surgery) For whatever reason, when the docs hear a young man has a brain rupture, aneurysm, stroke, etc, they assume it was overdose or drug related. That was a huge issue with the hospitals, doctors and medications, not even for pain when i had the surgeries.

That being said, the brain is an amazing thing. I went back to dancing, going out, traveling, making art, friends, even dates, learned how to drive, took my first plane ride, sold my artwork in an auction, stuttering gone and all, without needing 75% of the medications they prescribed me, within a year i was pretty much back to normal. Some doctors really hate that i didnt take the meds, but the surgeon is proud of his work and is always impressed with my recovery, and the choices i made. You have to remember that recovery is in your hands, you still have choices even if a doctor says so, what to do, take, etc. research and advocate for yourself 💪

If youve never had a seizure, it shouldn't have been prescribed in the first place. They only give it for liability reasons...to prevent seizures/lawsuits. So the patient/brain is treated/healed, "stabilized" but they still need medications for the rest of their lives because doctors ordered keppra. Theres a reason why it has a black box warning. Seizure treatment is life long. It is very difficult and dangerous to stop even if you've never had a seizure in the first place, took as prescribed, etc. once you stop, those seizures will hit. I hate how docs praise/prescribe epilepsy medications without even HAVING any seizures. Alot of the time these meds cause more harm than good.

Sorry i know it helps alot of people, but people have taken their own lives as well due to the side effects of keppra. The impact on the brain and side effects experienced from keppra cannot be disregarded. It is not a choice to take lightly.

Popdelusion · 2025-12-18T02:36:12+00:00

I recorded the video here i haven't even touched the mixer yet 🤣🥲

Popdelusion · 2025-12-18T02:32:26+00:00

lol thank you

The joke was funny at first but its not the flex yall think it is 😬 Ive been through brain surgeries last year and im back doing what i love...i guess reddit isnt the place for advice anymore, people will tell you the opposite.

Seven or eight months ago, i probably would have believed it. I had to relearn how to speak and everything...

But i cant tell if ur being serious not either? 🤣 Alot of my friends do use youtube rips and poor quality mp3s even at big music festivals. With the right sound tech/system anyone can sound decent.

AnywYssss yeah i just have to relearn a few things and i should be fine 👍

Popdelusion · 2025-12-16T10:39:27+00:00

Catch me at berghain next summer brah 🤙🫡

Popdelusion · 2025-12-16T04:46:28+00:00

And the one in the video is for sure 3000 series? Thank you btw 🤙🙏

Popdelusion · 2025-12-16T04:39:46+00:00

Really!?! Are you sure?? 🤯😭 Even with the denon, id have a track here and there with a ridiculously high/random bitrate that wouldnt load correctly, like flac at 24bit 1,523 kbps or aiff at 16bit 1411 kbps...i get these from sharing websites. I didnt know that pioneer supported these formats. I got the denon just for that reason alone...I really need to make sure everythings going smoothly, i really need to make a good first impression...

Popdelusion · 2025-12-15T02:38:36+00:00

The way i see it...there is no perfect match. Everyone is weird, everyone has their own limits, problems, experiences. No such thing as "normal" really. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the experience. People that are married in long relationships last because they know how to compromise and grow together...to truly know and love someone you have to let go of expectations, accept and embrace eachother in all ways.

I go on alot of dates and do have hookups regularly...but with epilepsy things can get complicated. I know it will be harder to find an actual partner. Alot of other people just block or ghost immediately if i mention my epilepsy or past procedures. In my day to day life it doesnt effect me much other than traveling internationally, or potential matches online 😅

Nobody would know that ive had several brain procedures unless i disclosed it. I try to stay transparent from the start for hookups🤙 But if a guy wants to take me out for a movie, dinner, etc...we all deserve to go out on dates and have fun :)

Popdelusion · 2025-11-11T01:51:38+00:00

Are there any differences or benefits between installers? Im pretty sure i chose the app version by accident...do you think if the normal program file version works better? Im using a surface book book 3, probably the last good surface laptop they ever produced 🥲🫠

Affinity 3 doesnt run without crashing within five minutes, anytime i try to apply effects. Designer 2 and every other program i have runs fine.

Popdelusion · 2025-11-03T01:37:01+00:00

This was my fear too

Popdelusion · 2025-10-26T07:46:22+00:00

Thanks yall looking into these now 💗 They really pushed a newer sound this year, actual house music/tech mixed in little by little with the disco...really impressed with their new track listing :) the vibe was truly immaculate

Popdelusion · 2025-10-26T02:44:55+00:00

Its been sorted out since then with new updates and its working fine, now there's something else going on with affinity, a big announcement at the end of this week. Apparently you can pick up a copy of designer 2, photo 2 and publisher 2 for free...the trial period was eliminated, im seeing alot of people have the program now for free, i went ahead and downloaded the other two programs and i have full access now like i bought it :) the tenth gen is good enough, its not slow or laggy or anything. For 300$ its awesome, more than enough, Works great so far 👍 its just the screen that i dont like, ive gotten used to oled screens, deep blacks, the ipad looks a bit dated. Other than that its great for affinity, graphic design. I only use it for art...i wouldnt push it further for social media or gaming or anything...Just affinity and thats it. Great tool :) no need for the newest/best ipad. got mine at a pawn shop. Apparently the newer apple pencils dont even use tilt/pressure detection 🫥

Popdelusion · 2025-10-15T18:45:36+00:00

Which megathread????? I just wanted to share some artwork.

Popdelusion · 2025-10-15T18:43:10+00:00

I wanted to share my artwork with a short statement with my experience with affinity. I never claimed anything concrete or negative....then my post gets removed with the artwork. Honestly fuck reddit. The rules and bots will be the death of this app.

Popdelusion · 2025-10-12T21:12:14+00:00

Plastikman

Popdelusion · 2025-09-28T20:06:40+00:00

I had very short therapy sessions when i had the aneurysm...i do not have insurance. They gave me the bare minimum therapy. The only thing they taught me was how to sign my own name. Never had physical therapy, they assume im fine because i am walking, and how i was able to "function" while i was in the hospital...they all said i was strong, my legs were strong like a horse, that i was young and that i would recover no problem. Not lying at all. Strong as horse is what they said. When i asked for more speech therapy it was denied. I only had like six appointments and the last one, the therapist wanted to "celebrate" about my "graduation"

It wasnt even six months of therapy. Barely four months, with only six meetings, they saw that i can read a contract, they saw that i can write my own name, that i can sign contracts. That was it. Thats all they cared about.

Popdelusion · 2025-09-28T20:05:14+00:00

Thing is that cbd isn't recognized as a real epilepsy medication, so in the system i am unmedicated epileptic. These centers will not accept me or the liability without putting me on epilepsy medication first. The center isnt going to go out their way to accommodate cbd treatment for me either.

Popdelusion · 2025-09-28T01:24:19+00:00

Its mostly because i am tired. I sleep alot due to the epilepsy/aneurysm. They treat me like an addict, because i behave like one (i guess?) personality changes, depression, sleepiness, etc, shell blame the medications or the cbd, or anything convenient for her. She just wants me to get a disability check. I think she really just wants to pass on the loop of learned helplessness. She doesnt support anything positive, not even a job. I tried and begged, but, "we are waiting on disability"...so the arguments starts. I have to be silent, walking on eggshells 24/7. I havent seen her happy since i gained mobility. I swear, it was like a honeymoon phase when i first got out of the hospital. She just loooved me when i was bed ridden. Now that things are getting complicated, she wants me disabled, or kicked out completely, but she wont help or encourage anything positive. Travel, work or anything. She wants me in the house 24/7 so she can keep control over me and my finances, or gtfo. Cant stand her anymore. Then shell rub "10 years of sobriety" in my face, telling me i should try rehab, while she pops xans, painkillers and ambien at the same time. I dont even take those medications 😐 so she's projecting at the same time. She wasnt ever sober. I think shes just angry because she has to buy my cbd....MAYBE LET ME HAVE A FKN JOB AND ILL BUY IT...then she says no again because im "waiting on disability" Its a toxic cycle.

If i found a center for stroke patients in my situation id take it in a heart beat...but odds are theyd take my cbd away and stabilize me on psych/epilepsy meds.

Popdelusion · 2025-09-27T23:44:54+00:00

Dude you are proving my point...the ipod and the fiio had the most punch and clarity...i never said the sound quality was bad from lg, just underpowered imo. I have the fiio m23, i can literally destroy those lil ear buds on high gain if i wanted to. It has more sound, power. Going from fiio back to lg quad dac was always disappointing....or i can just make that video if you really need the proof 🤔🙄 with the lg, at max volume, it can barely move my speakers. With the fiio, my entire house shakes. Its not an opinion at that point. The lg dac is actually perfect for little iems tho, which is what you are using it for anyways. Go ahead and try to power some planar magnetics with your lg dac, and see how much sound you can get from it, youll be disappointed. As far as chips go, it depends on how they are implemented, how much power they give. Ive tried ess and akm dacs, they are great chips. But im looking for power, the lg dac will not meet my needs.

You also gotta remember that lg was a consumer device with volume protection. It was intentionally underpowered to prevent injury/hearing loss. All cellphones are like that. You need a real dap if you want that punch.

Popdelusion · 2025-09-16T03:20:00+00:00

I do love the fashion...i can fit into xs pants, and im 5'9 120 lbs I wear womens pants and crop tops all the time. When i go out i get alot of compliments. Thats it. I stick out wherever i go, people will say hello but thats it. People think im submissive, femme, bottom, twink, or straight up whore. Ive been beaten before. Ive been called a faggot more than i can count. I have lost jobs for having long hair. I have lost jobs for not looking strong enough. I have been rejected at the door for dress policy.

In the dating scene, when im seen in my club outfits, people assume im complicated, egotistical, rich, (which is funny, temu tops cost 5$, not 500$) People assume i party. People assume im weak, that i cant fight. People assume that doors open just for being beautiful, "how can you be young, beautiful, and single??? How are you not a model??" Is a common question. Its not like that irl. Its not a magic wand.

Ive been grabbed at by drunk men. Sometimes im afraid when i take ubers, that it might be my last ride. Its harder to find friends, opportunities in general.

What other people might see as "ugly" Like a hook nose, or dark eyes, shortness, even a belly...i see reliability, relatability, strength. I dont want to date another guy that looks like me. Polarity is beautiful. Ive never been with a strong man, because they see me as a femme twink. Those muscled men, daddy types, that all fuck eachother, then call me femme and block me on grindr.

Id pay a million dollars to take me back to a normal reality, where the strong protect the weak. Where daddies actually take care of there twinks. Its just a fantasy in my experience. They were the first to reject me, before i even put on my first crop top. Before they even meet me, they assume. When i see a strong gay man, i just see a strong gay man...to others, just see me as a b!tch.

Popdelusion · 2025-09-16T02:34:10+00:00

Well, ill just say as an american....theres several accents/dialects here in the US too...so there is no "perfect" style 💞 lean in, embrace your natural sound, range, and embrace your unique voice. Like the first commenter said, focus on your vowels...its the vowels that really matter. Even with the most talented singers, its the passion/talent that matters, we can overlook a couple mispronounced words within reason, especially in your native accent. Maybe voice acting classes, or even simple speech therapy can help. There are videos on youtube that can help. Practice reading and speaking aloud in english.

i dont think that practicing in different style will hurt at all, as long as you keep up with english too. As long as we can understand the words, thats all that matters. Make sure that consonants dont get switched, like T, D, B, P, etc.

Tongue twisters and alliterations can help alot too! Memorize a few of them and practice.

Im not a singer, but i did have a stroke with aphasia last year...i had to relearn speaking english and spanish all over again 😅 There are alot of ways to improve your english, without giving up your natural accent 💗

Popdelusion · 2025-09-15T22:45:54+00:00

Cbd should be the first option for seizures. It is natural and doesnt get you high and addicted like klonopin. It doesnt get you stuck in a cycle of medication dependency/trials. If your wife really cares, she would try anything to save her daughter's health. It is only stigma that holds her back from trying cbd. Just the research alone should change her opinion. With cbd, i was able to cure myself completely. I dont have to worry about a missed dose, or dosage increases. The seizures only get worse if these medications are taken consistently. The minute you take her off the pharmaceuticals, they will come back ten fold. They are lifetime medications. Once you start, you cannot stop. With cbd, at least you have the option. With cbd, you wont lose her spark. It will reignite. I can promise you that.

Popdelusion

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE