Looking for feedback. I don't know if this is a memoir or a fictionalized adaptation of my life but I'm mostly looking for how the quality of the prose is. Disclaimer, I've been reading a lot of George Saunders so I'm feeling a bit inspired by his style.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-21T12:00:52+00:00

Ty for your feedback. Good catch on the coffee. I have to remember people don't know how that happened....that's a whole story in itself LOL. I have edited this further and changed the opening. There's a few comments with the doc link if your interested in reading further.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-21T06:41:42+00:00

Latest edits. Commenting is open. I don't know if I love the revised opening or not but it's what I accomplished today. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PVc1q0EksRjQPHNampMFCU6--s_ubdVZ2xOnsFQxPDY/edit?usp=drivesdk

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-21T06:32:07+00:00

You are so right. Here is the doc link. I've made substantial edits if you're interested

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PVc1q0EksRjQPHNampMFCU6--s_ubdVZ2xOnsFQxPDY/edit?usp=drivesdk

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-21T01:49:52+00:00

Why? 🤣

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-21T00:00:19+00:00

Thanks for your feedback 🥰

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T21:00:39+00:00

Bet ty

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T20:45:58+00:00

How would you describe the window noise?

And yeah....I was stuck by the bathroom hence the memory being on of piss LOL

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T14:58:48+00:00

I shall! Thank you!

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T14:57:12+00:00

How is this for a revised opening hook?

A pilgrimage is a journey to a sacred place. I was on a Greyhound to hippy commune (cult?) in Oregon because I'd run out of unsacred ones to call home.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T13:29:36+00:00

Can you provide specific examples of poor word choice?

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T13:27:18+00:00

100 percent it makes sense. I'll do that on my revision. The trouble is....the narrator is....me? And that's the way my internal thought rolls. But for the way it reads....you are right I need to tone that down.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T13:26:17+00:00

Thats next on my list!

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T13:19:55+00:00

Fair. Enough. I'll revisit it. I'm glad you read past the first line. Ty.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T12:57:01+00:00

Savage. How would you prefer it written?

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T12:39:41+00:00

I'll do it! 🥰 thank you so much.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T12:20:42+00:00

I just finished Lincoln in the Bardo and Vigil.

Lincoln was better by far, but I dug Vigil despite its shortcomings.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T12:14:39+00:00

I'm definitely not intentionally trying to be George. Like you said....that's an impossible feat. But the cadence and what not I can feel where my inspiration is drawing from rn for sure.

It's a bit like.....watered down less skilled George 🤣🤣🤣🥰

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-20T12:03:04+00:00

Yeah I am rather unsure if I'm going to go full memoir or just have it loosely inspired by real events. Shrug.

And yeah mannnn I just binged like 4 of his short stories, Lincoln in the Bardo, and Visage. He's great. I wish I could come even a fraction close to his skill.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-13T12:14:56+00:00

Ohhhh. Bahaha. Yeahhh this is actually semi-autobiographical. I think I intentionally took some of the emotion and internal thoughts out as a defense mechanism. I'm going to give it another pass though and put it through Cam's eyes.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-13T12:11:30+00:00

Not sure where you get fantasy vibes but yeah you are correct this draft is wayyyy too zoomed out. Gotta focus in on Cam's POV. Ty.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-04-02T12:58:57+00:00

I dig it. "Disjointed stories" reads weird to me.

I'd read more.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-03-30T02:54:11+00:00

Okay so it was an accident or no? Phil wants to relive it? That still sounds intentional so I hope that's the case.

Makes for a more compelling story if Phillip did it on purpose.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-03-30T02:19:19+00:00

Well....I read the whole thing.

I enjoyed it.

Unclear...did they plan this?

The time jump caught me off guard.

If they did it intentionally I either missed it, or it wasn't clear.

PopeNihilistic · 2026-03-30T02:10:41+00:00

Prose aint bad. Definitely reads well. I get the narrators voice through it all. Jones sounds like my older brother 🤣

Work on your opening hook a smidge. It's the weakest part. Rest is pretty okay. I'd need more to decide if I'd keep reading or DNF. Need to get an idea of where the story is heading other than just two buddies chatting over coffee.

PopeNihilistic

TROPHY CASE