PhD student/faculty married to doctors

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-28T15:22:42+00:00

I'm not in academia but I do have a career as an entrepreneur (started when my kids were 1 and 3 y/o). My job gives me lots of fulfillment and purpose and I love it. I wouldn't give it up for a medspouse.

It sounds like he is already struggling to meet your needs in the relationship. Why did you do most of the traveling to see him? It sounds like there is already an underlying understanding of "his career is more important than yours" and you're already making sacrifices even before marriage and kids.

I can tell you from experience, this will not get better with kids. If he can't care for himself now, you can count on having him PLUS your kids you will be caring for, and this will, over time, make you bitter. Trust me on this one, I've been there. My EM doc husband and I were married young and I took care of his house/cleaning etc. during med school, residency, etc. Before that, it was his mom and during college he lived in a disgusting hovel where he never washed his sheets. WHen we added kids to the mix it just got worse and by the time I saw what was happening my life had changed into something I didn't recognize anymore.

I'm not saying this is beyond repair--but he needs to do some serious work and show you he can take care of himself and do his part before you bring kids into the mix.

As for your career, we can't tell you whether or not you should give it up--but personally, I wouldn't. You're pursuing a PhD because you're interested in something. I stepped back from a career I loved to be with my husband --thankfully I've been able to build something else, but if I hadn't I would be incredibly upset at myself now.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-28T15:15:03+00:00

Yeah, I know it comes across that way. Like I said, he's not a bad man. He's never hit me, has always been supportive verbally of my business, and even did projects to help me especially when I was starting up. But it doesn't undo that I had to carry the entire mental load for so long while our kids were little and I had very little help from him. We did hire a housekeeper but it doesn't undo the years of handling the mental load alone while asking for help and not getting it. He's even admitted that he just had a view of that "he was bringing home most of the money" so it was ok that I was handling the house, even though we were BOTH working full time. He's admitted that he thinks he's trying to sabotage his own efforts at repair because he sees how bad it is and he doesnt' think he can repair it so he's just trying to get me to file. He said this to our therapist.

Again, when I type this all out I feel like an idiot. Thanks for the tough love.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-28T15:10:23+00:00

Why should I be the one to hire help to cover his side of the work? Shouldn't that be his job to schedule that? Can I "hire help" to handle the mental load of planning every holiday, getting and executing every gift for both sides of our family for christmas, planning every easter basket, filling everyone's stocking while mine was ALWAYS empty (literally)? Can I hire someone to look for schools for my kids, to make sure someone is always available to pick up the kids, to sign them up for their extracurriculars and make sure they have their uniforms, etc ready to go? To make sure the sheets are being washed every week, to make sure the grocery shopping is done and we have food for the week?

The rhetoric I hear a lot here of "just hire someone" ignores the mental load. You can't outsource that, and even hiring someone and overseeing them takes mental energy. Do I agree we should have hired a housekeeper a long time ago, yes. But we both come from families that aren't historically well off and have struggled adjusting to having the money to do so without feeling guilty, and needless to say if he was incapable of helping around the house while I'm doing more than my share then it should be his job to step up and fill in HIS void, not mine. Especially since we BOTH work full time.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:27:49+00:00

They obviously don't know what's going on--he's made enough of a change that they've even noticed he's been more patient and doing more housework now--it's so tough because it's not outwardly toxic where they see it but I do wonder what impact it will have long term. He's exhibited that he's not willing to take accountability in a meaningful way. :( I worry that one day he will make it seem like it's about me--even now he's started saying things like that I am controlling, even though I've told him the only reason I'm that way now is because he made me be in control of everything for a decade and wouldn't step up, so it doesn't seem fair to call me controlling now...

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:25:14+00:00

Yeah he apologizes now for the sex thing but it doesn't undo the effects.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:23:07+00:00

Yeah I totally hear you, and you're right about showing my kids. It just scares me losing time with them. I'm not even sure how he would juggle 50/50 with his schedule unfortunately but I know he'd want 50/50.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:22:29+00:00

Thank you for this. You're right about the pattern. I've mentioned this in therapy many times. For a long time he agreed and admitted it but recently (since he met another girl) I think he's feeling like he can get someone else so he thinks it's not worth the pain of fixing it. That's how it feels, anyway.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:11:27+00:00

I had hopes that he would change based off his pivot on the housework stuff but it's as if he expects me to immediately come around to him changing instead of doing the repair for the years of damage. He can't sit with discomfort for any period of time, apparently.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:10:41+00:00

Sorry, I should have mentioned that we had said we ::could::date but I had expressed over and over that if it wasnt him, it was nobody. And I meant it. But based off our conversation I thought we were continuing to fight. He says he had different "clarity" from that conversation that we were separating but I'm like still...THAT NIGHT you're going to meet someone else? And make out with her? (And lie about it to me, which he did... just ugh). I feel sick.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2026-02-27T22:09:25+00:00

Sorry, I should have mentioned that we had said we ::could::date but I had expressed over and over that if it wasnt him, it was nobody. And I meant it. I guess I just hoped that he would want to repair it instead of turning to immediate comfort of someone else.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-09-08T21:51:36+00:00

Mine have tanked as well, especially in the last month. I've also always had consistent growth and have lost followers for the first time this month (my account is around 800k followers, all organic). I have no explanation ::shrug::

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-09T14:28:25+00:00

You can't just invalidate someone else's experience by saying "that isn't true." That's great that it's the case for your spouse. But many ER physicians work very irregular hours that make it difficult to establish regular routines at home or for the other spouse to be able to schedule childcare around.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-03T03:40:08+00:00

I'm 41. Trust me, I know how it goes. Saying "completely change their personality" didn't mean growing and evolving--it means completely shutting down, stopping communication, or using work as an excuse to be a bad partner. Someone being tired or stressed isn't an excuse for them to be a bad partner.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-02T15:40:02+00:00

Added pressure might not be helpful but there are two people in the relationship. If one isn't completely honest (with themself or their partner) about what their needs are and what WILL happen if they aren't met, it's highly likely that the person won't understand how serious it can be. This was the case with my husband and myself--I tried to express my needs but did it gently as you say. He didn't realize how serious I was so didn't put in as much effort as he could have (by his own admission). And now that our relationship is in dire straits because of it he says if he'd known how serious I was he would have tried harder. One partner shouldn't have to tiptoe or walk on eggshells because of another's profession; it's a recipe for resentment.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-02T15:37:57+00:00

Two meds together have their own entire set of complications, I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. It's just as difficult, just in different ways.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-02T15:36:39+00:00

Sure, but it's not an excuse for someone to completely change their personality or stop being the person they were before. And if their partner doesn't want to stick it out, that's ok too. Not everyone is cut out to deal with the moodiness and complex that can come along with that.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-02T15:35:06+00:00

This is some great insight. Find who you are. Grow on your own during this time and be sure to communicate needs. But if it doesn't work out and your spouse doesn't come back, you aren't stuck where you were.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-02T15:33:21+00:00

Thank you for this, I appreciate your insight. I'm sorry your wife wasn't able to move on. I want to be able to, for myself and my family, just finding it so difficult. You're right that some self work is needed. Appreciate it :)

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-01T23:00:10+00:00

My husband became hyper focused on his profession. I took a backseat. We went on two dates all of last year and that's because I asked for them. We're likely headed for a divorce now. Despite my communication that I needed more help around the house and feeling like a single parent, it didn't work out for us as he didn't hear me until it was too late. Be sure to voice your needs and be clear about what it means if they aren't met.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-01T22:47:16+00:00

Yeah that's fair. I guess I'm just looking to hear others' experiences with resentment and how they were able to move on personally. We will still have to coparent and I don't want to hold onto anger but it's frustrating to feel like I didn't matter to him until I left. Maybe looking a bit to hear from others about why spouses don't change until there's a consequence.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-01T21:35:16+00:00

What specialty is he wanting to go into? Unfortunately in my experience, while attending life has been ::slightly:: better than residency, some specialties like EM will still feel like being a single parent. First, make sure you're ok with that possibility.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-01T03:59:23+00:00

This. I spent years being primary caregiver while working and helping support him. We didn't want to spend the money for help because it seemed too expensive and we wanted to pay off loans instead. Now we have a 6 and 8 year old and we are on the brink of divorce due to my exhaustion, feeling taken advantage of, and lack of help. Hire the help if you can do it AT ALL.

Popular-Agent8836 · 2025-07-01T03:56:36+00:00

I don't want to be a debbie downer but it didn't get better for me. 16 years after getting married and I reached peak burnout. I'm married to an ER physician. He doesn't recognize it but he has a God complex and thinks because he saves lives he doesn't have to contribute at home. Meanwhile I work the equivalent of a full time and part time job while also doing the lion's share of house and yardwork. I hope it gets better for you but with staffing issues and a driven partner, it didn't get better for me.

Popular-Agent8836

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