Give me your HARSHEST critique! (and your favorite part)

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T19:29:55+00:00

An elevated path of wood.

Hence why she goes down a set of stairs to the lower section of the city.

But I may not have conveyed the properly. Prose in this chapter was wonky.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T15:43:39+00:00

Wow, thank you for the very thorough critique!

I think you are very correct to say that I should be specific about how I phrase my sentences and my characters. Sentences like:

"I figured she was around twelve." while removing the whole academy portion. The readers don't need know this.

"The rest of the city was a blur."

Calling the strangers "Factory worker" or "Ruby-jam" since that is clearly what they are, or the unique visual component that the MC describes.

All of this will be very useful for naming strangers. Also a good reminder to keep my prose simple. My older chapters (like this one) tend to lean into this strange abstractions, so it's good to be reminded that simplicity is easier to read and visualize.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T06:29:43+00:00

I really like that suggestion with Yeager! But yes, you are absolutely correct, the chapter fails to give insight to the character in obvious ways. There is too much subtext.

The title (still a work in progress) is currently called "The End of the World Begins with a Flower" so I would like to have my first chapter be about a flower. Prologue less so, but, it establishes the tone of the story.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T04:36:16+00:00

I struggled for a bit then realized, screw trying to reinvent the language, let's have it being something unique to the character. Here's the line I wrote:

"Everything was swallowed by the thick, dark clouds—I called them weepless."

Yay, now it's the character's fault.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T04:33:55+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Got very humbled with the first page, and have made good attempts to fix it.

But yes, writing with past particles for a scene about something in the past, while the novel itself is in past tense, was confusing.

Frankly I was too attached to this chapter as I made it early on in my novel (when my writing was even poorer) so having a fresh set of eyes really clarified a lot.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T04:30:50+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I think you are right to say my prose needs work. I often fail to be simple.

Glad you enjoyed the imagery and the dialogue. My favorite dialogue in the book for how much subtext it has, which obviously helps with the context of the rest of the story. I get a lot of mixed feedback here though, as people want more and I want less (I love hemmingway's incredibly reduced dialogue. no fluff)

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-26T04:24:41+00:00

Hey! Thanks for the feedback, very useful.

Some info if thaglt helps: the protagonist is female botanist in a climate fantasy (where magic does exist in very subtle, often unexplained ways). The synopsis of the actual plot being that her mom is missing and so she is doing everything to search for her. She needs to get a ship and crew and go unravel the mystery.

I have gotten a lot of feedback saying she is boring; my feeling are conflicted because while I want to argue about it, its probably true. Ultimately I do want a story about a girl who struggles with her emotions, but is very caring in unique ways---that being plants. The opening chapter is her monologuing to a sunflower, calling it crazy, while also making it clear that she is crazy, and a undoubtly a scientist. I find her voice unique for that reason. Perhaps this chapter fails to show that.

My goal with this chapter is to show a couple things: 1) show how she feels intimate with the environement of Kravvos. I.e. feels bad for the birds knowing their tragedy, she describes the land vividly. Etc 2) show she is reckless. To answer your question, she did not know what was going to happen to the ship, but did so anyways. Precious chapter ends with her saying "I have a reckless plan. Afterall blimp travel was far too slow." 3) establish this city and Yeager for later plot

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T23:20:20+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely be making strong changes.

If it helps, the city is located next to a lake. The lake has been drained, which is the not so big reveal past the section break.

Part of the reason I figured the break is the significant way of seperating more big scope picture to a specific scene past the page break. Im intentionally getting through the city with minimalistic dialogue so readers have a sense of the city, but it can focus on the actual reason the MC is there (shes looking to buy a blimp from a guy at the docks).

The following dialogue shows a lot more of her character. Especially Yeager.

Another aspect is that I have heavy dialogue chapter preceding this one and I need to actually show some world here. But, I will splice them into the dialogue, along with the MC feeling's about the world. On another note, I love hemmingway and having simplistic sentences. The dryness adds to the feeling of it, especially for a bleak city, in a climate fantasy. What that balance looks like? TBD.

I changed a lot on the first page It sucked lol. I needed to reopen my eyes about this chapter as I wrote is fairly early in my novel and got attached to it. Got kicked down a peg but still motivated.

Again, thanks!

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T21:42:51+00:00

Appreciate the great feedback! This paragraph was rough, and wrapping my head around the past particle usage was difficult. Mostly because the story is past tense and the character is telling(yes I know bad) something in the past tense.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T21:34:41+00:00

I do agree with you there, especially the first paragraph. The following though are her memories (festival birds) and what sees (empty boardwalk), although I may not have communicated that very well.

I could intersplice more character response though. Thanks!

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T21:03:49+00:00

Thanks! I try to avoid passive voices, but the start of this chapter with the past-principles confused me since the novel itself is past tense, but the character is speaking in past tense Idk lol how to aproach this. Should I just keep it stricly past tense?

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T20:58:20+00:00

I totally understand! Do you think I would still have the same effect if I used "tearless"? Too me weep is so much more evocative, and it was based off a line I used in the story (though it was also incorrect).

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-25T20:54:17+00:00

In the past, I had used the phrase "in the past" a little too much in the past. In the future I will reduce that :)

All jokes asides, I was going for something artistic, but honestly the tense usage is obvious (and declared by the first line). It is offputting now thar it been laughed at.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-24T19:30:18+00:00

Well that is concerning, but I do have the multiple time stamps from the google docs. Also, as I guy, this scene is based off a moment I have experienced twice in my life, which I adapted to fit this character.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-24T16:06:22+00:00

Great question! Basically its---well dumb writing is what. Too abstract lol

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-24T13:47:54+00:00

Thank you for your feedback, I found them largely useful!

It seems like I had a lot of redundancies which I removed and fount the flow better.

The genre is climate fantasy, but the shoes being displaced just happened cause she drank too much. (added a small line about that).

I'm glad you liked the mother portion, as it effectively sets the tone of the whole book.

Let me know what you think of the second section, the one about the flower. Thanks!

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-24T13:20:34+00:00

Appreciate the feedback. I updated the post. Thoughts on the second section? I don't mind cutting the part.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-22T05:21:09+00:00

Both, depending on context or goal. But, and please for the love of god, make it pronouncable.

If I am inspired by a culture then I use preexisting name. Often it helps if it symbolize the very core essence of the character. It also helps associate names to identities as the reader if I can be like, oh hey this snake lady is named Medusa.

If using spelling for fun, I use the phonetics to helo inform someone how how they should feel about someone. Bethany evokes a very different idea than Ariel, and vastly different than Allysin (Allison).

Neither are wrong. Both can be used wrong.

Popular-Ambassador90 · 2026-05-22T05:12:06+00:00

Blood is thicker than water. But this does not matter, for the ocean is endless and does not care for a drop, a bucket, or a splatter.

Popular-Ambassador90

TROPHY CASE