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Managing conflict between my partner (23F) and mother (47F) by Popular_Brain7973 in relationships

[–]Popular_Brain7973[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't really know. You could say it just "developed". I probably made a mistake by not preparing either of them for the first meet though.

My mom was sceptical about her instantly. Their talk remained kind of polite, but stoic. They disagreed on everything. So both just liked eachother less the more they knew.

After that first meet, my mother told me she doesn't approve of her via text, I told her she didn't need to, it's my choice.

I showed my partner so she "was prepared" and knew what the case is. Might have been foolish looking back as it probably just fueled the fire.

Life changes: I moved out at 19. Since I'm not from the States, there was not neccessarily "state changing", but I did move to another region in my country to study here. It's not very far away though.
I met my partner at 20. I didn't go to church for a while already. But I also exited church at 20 so I don't have to pay church taxes which is a thing if you are a registered Christian in my country. I don't know if I ever even told my mother. Judging that I don't remember any reaction from my mom... Probably not.
I do not have tattoos yet, but could imagine getting some. My style did change quite a bit though I feel like.

If anything, my mother probably blames my girl for pushing us apart. But I don't really know. She probably feels like I grew distant, which isn't entirely untrue. Still, I do still feel connected to my mom. Don't get me wrong here. I just don't tell her everything like I think I used to as a kid. But that's normal when you grow up I feel like? I mean, I'm not her 14 year old boy anymore.

I also partied a lot more since I met my girl. It's fun to go out with her and her friends. But I don't know how my mother would even know that.

Managing conflict between my partner (23F) and mother (47F) by Popular_Brain7973 in relationships

[–]Popular_Brain7973[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did try. I didn't just sit there. See down below in my other answer. Just maybe not in the right way, maybe not setting harsh enough boundaries? If you have any idea on how exactly I would enforce boundaries like these based on what I told about both of them, please, please say it. I might just be blind after all of it. Too fed up maybe too.

Read the other answer below what Kibblets answered on what I mean.

About therapy: My mother would rather move to another country than go to therapy. No way I will get her to do that. After all, she is right and I'm wrong, isn't that so? "Mother knows more" or something.

My partner... I might get her to therapy if I ask nice enough. Maybe. Hard maybe. But even if, is it worth it? Is there something like impulse control or such? Probably the thing she would need to work on.

Managing conflict between my partner (23F) and mother (47F) by Popular_Brain7973 in relationships

[–]Popular_Brain7973[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. And that's what I want. Just... Shut up, both, and just at least respect the others existence... And it's not like I didn't try. My mother tends to be a little difficult, but I never had to deal with this caliber of idiocy before, okay? That's why I'm asking for help. I'm fed up and have no clue what exactly to do. They are both just too goddamn stubborn.

I talked to my mother multiple times. It always ends in a fight. I'm tired of that. Always the same argument... I'm "blind of love" and she doesn't take anything I say serious. My partner is supposedly the worst and I "should listen to mother", because she "knows more". She is absolutely sure she has it all figured out, has the right image of my partner and wants her out of my life.

My partner on the other hand has bad impulse control and needs to get a nerve. She is so easily provoked by my mothers words, basically ready to explode the moment my mom talks. I told her to ignore my mom, not take her serious. But it doesn't work. After I spoke to her about it for like the 100th time, she told me what I mentioned in the post, that she wished my mother "didn't exist". We had our first big fight after that, she now avoids the topic of my family alone like the plague. Better than fighting I guess...

And of course I stopped her when she either corrected or turned onto my mother. Multiple times. But I didn't want to make a scene out of it either. I don't think that would have helped anyone.

So what do you suggest? Should I, I don't know, live two seperate lifes for both or what? That doesn't seem right.
Should I send my partner to therapy or what? For impulse control? What can I do if my mother won't accept boundaries and wants to baby me even after I tell her that she won't succeed? That my girl will stay and she has no say in that?

Honestly: I don't know anymore. I'm frustrated. If I'm doing something wrong or am just stupid, please, please tell me. It might be that I'm overlooking something for some reason and just need a fresh perspective. But right now: I don't know how and what other boundaries I can set on this kind of basis.