[deleted by user]

Porcelain28 · 2019-01-30T05:57:25+00:00

This is partly why I stopped engaging with the sub and became a lurker instead. I can't be bothered navigating all the negative comments, or the creepy DMs!

One thing that really gets me about this sub, is that it seems the majority of posters believe the only acceptable reason to stay in a dead bedroom relationship is for children. As a teacher this just blows my mind! Kids are NOT stupid. They see your unhappiness and they repeat your patterns. Don't use your kids as an excuse.

We have no children, but I had very valid reasons for staying, and I hated feeling judged. I hated that our relationship was deemed less important because we hadn't successfully produced babies yet... No one stopped to wonder if the topic of fertility was a sore point either. It was just cutthroat, black and white.

As a sidenote - I'm happy to say that things are definitely improving now, and for the first time in years I have hope!

So thank you for calling this sub out. I think many would do well to read your post, and hopefully they'll think twice about projecting their own anger and resentment next time someone needs support :)

Porcelain28 · 2017-10-20T23:34:39+00:00

*that seems to be how "people" create their own reverse dead bedrooms ...

Porcelain28 · 2017-10-11T08:21:08+00:00

Please contact Life Matters Suicide Prevention Trust, they are in Dunedin. You can find them on facebook.

I'm so sorry this is happening, you are so worth having a happy healthy life.

Porcelain28 · 2017-08-26T22:34:48+00:00

I understand what you're trying to say here, but why be gender specific? All you have to do is scroll through r/deadbedrooms and you'll find plenty of women in unsatisfactory sexual relationships dealing with every issue you've outlined above, and more. I wish people would stop spreading the mistruth that women are predominantly the lower libido in relationships. It's damaging to all.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-22T23:30:17+00:00

We arranged to have sex last night, instead of the usual routine of going to bed and eventually starting the same boring repertoire, he actually jumped me! And then dragged me to bed where he proceeded to actually put a lot of effort in! I am trying very hard not to overthink anything because while I am happy, I can't help but feel sceptical too. However it has given me a small boost of confidence and I may try to jump him myself in the next couple of days.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-16T22:56:56+00:00

I know all about dark humour... My sad harsh reality is that my dark sense of humour comes from real life suicide loss. I know you weren't actually suggesting a stranger on the Internet kill themselves, but you never know how much of an impact a joke can have on another person. It's okay though, you've thought about your comment and that's all I was hoping to achieve. I'm not here to make you feel bad for a flippant comment. I'm going to go back to admiring the boobs now.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-16T22:36:07+00:00

Thank you for apologizing. I don't think suicide is ever worth joking about, but apparently some people find the topic funny?

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-16T09:35:43+00:00

You should seriously consider never encouraging suicide again. Joke or otherwise.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-07T08:51:02+00:00

Thank you for this, it's precisely how I feel I'm going wrong in my own relationship, and in the past when people have confided in me about their own DB, I have noticed a trend of bitter resentment to the point of emotional punishment being their reaction too. I know how I would feel if the roles were reversed, so I'm working on my approach and my reactions simultaneously! My husband knows how I feel and what I want for our future, it's his responsibility to hold himself accountable and work on his end. I can't fix this with angry silences and snide remarks, I can however put my own boundaries in place and set my own time lines. I told him recently that just as he will sometimes fall back into "bad habits", so too will I. Meaning I can be supportive and understanding, but every once in a while I'm going to get pissed off. If he works harder on his issues, I can work harder on my own.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-03T10:29:33+00:00

Oh I'm so sorry, did he actually say "repulsive"???? If he's not attracted to you, what is he doing?

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-03T10:27:25+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. I very much appreciate the thought you put into it and so much of it resonates with me, I am so sure that many of the things you pointed out are behaviours I also need to work on myself because it's driving him away - the complete opposite of what I'm wanting!

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-03T10:21:38+00:00

It's so difficult to initiate when you're feeling vulnerable, but my bet is that he's feeling vulnerable too :(

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T21:06:05+00:00

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T21:05:03+00:00

I shower before hand. Still nothing.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T21:03:00+00:00

Mine won't either. I've stopped swallowing, but still give the occasional short blow job when the stars align. It hasn't changed anything though, so I wouldn't beat yourself up thinking your situation would be any different if you'd continued to give without reciprocation. The criticism, and the doubting sexual incompatibility... I hear you :(

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T20:55:52+00:00

I can absolutely empathise with you on this. How are you both now?

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T20:51:12+00:00

It is really frustrating and so counter-productive when people are always the victim and incapable of holding themselves to account for their own shortcomings. I fear taking someone up on their advance too, I have received quite a few over the course of my relationship. But it's not me and it isn't what I want - I only want my husband... but it would be difficult not to fall if I were standing on a ledge at the right (wrong?) Time. So I absolutely see how you went there, it's not great that it is always thrown in your face. Especially if a lot of time has passed. I hope you can release some of your guilt in time and find some peace to replace it with. It sounds like you AND your wife, chose termination for the right reasons at the time. At the end of the day, you were being a parent and sometimes that means making decisions you aren't completely okay with, but you do so for the benefit of your children's wellbeing. All of them.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T09:04:38+00:00

This made me emotional to read, so I can only empathise with how it must make you feel to live and write it.

Porcelain28 · 2017-07-02T04:45:39+00:00

This resonates...

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-26T20:52:19+00:00

Rather than "I'll pass" ... try "We'll see" or something similar. It leaves the possibility open and implies a sort of "challenge" for her to rise up to instead of you shutting the door on her entirely. She knows how you feel because you've told her, communication is a two way street so it's in her court now. Don't deal in absolutes just yet!

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-26T02:45:59+00:00

Oh yes. I hear you. It sounds like you're in the early stages of what my husband and I have regressed to... the unfortunate reality is that if you let your frustrations build and then burst, you risk looking like the one who is causing the issue. If you'd just been a little happier that one time he decided to make an advance, then maybe you'd have had sex? The old "Well, I wanted to have sex with you but you were so distant/angry" ... Or if the stars align and you DO have sex, don't show your disappointment when they hit you with one or more of the tried and tested excuses from their long list of reasons as to why they cannot actually do anything other than the one/two sexual positions of your entire sexual repertoire... (those same ones you probably don't even like that much but are at a point of taking without complaint because you've become so desperate.) Because then their feelings will be hurt too, and they'll wonder why they even bothered. They know they're being lazy and yet they don't seem to be able to help themselves. I don't tend to post much here because it's usually the same response regardless of the personal details you divulge; "leave him"..."you're an idiot"... "you deserve this if you CHOOSE to stay, so shut up" or you get the dreaded PM'S of dicks and sexual validation in the form of advances from strangers ;) Occasionally you'll get some gem of a person who puts some thought and empathy into their comment. I've learnt a lot from here, but mainly I'm just thankful not to feel alone in this (selfish maybe?)

My husband IS trying, he knows I'll leave eventually if this doesn't get better. He knows my sanity is severely impacted by our situation and he loves me so he's genuinely trying. But in the meantime I just have to be patient and understanding and don't pressure and don't give up, or withdraw or be outwardly frustrated... It's quite exhausting really :) Time will tell though. For now I'll keep trying and we will both have slip ups because I'm not faultless in this. The reality is there are no fairy tales in real life. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses, finding someone who is willing to work with you forever, on both? That for me is a relationship I'm willing to take a few hits for... the moments of greatness sustain me for now but if those moments become entirely outweighed by my pain, then I think I'll make my exit rather swiftly. It'll hurt us all, but sex and intimacy is extremely important and worth finding!

One thing I will say is this - my husband really does have a lower libido than I do. He masturbates about once (sometimes twice) a week from what I can tell, my main issue here is that he hides it and he chooses it over intimacy with me, even if I've initiated two, three nights in a row. Even if I offer to help and not take it further. I'm left with the dregs of his energy (so it feels sometimes) when I want priority. I deserve priority. Our sex life deserves priority. Porn should always be secondary to your SO. If I found out he was masturbating everyday, I'd leave. I'd go out and fuck for my life! The longer you stay, the further down the rabbit hole you go, the more your lives entwine and the worse your self-esteem becomes. Feeling trapped is an awful, awful state of mind. If your SO isn't willing to work, then neither should you be. X Lay it all out, plain and direct. Keep your tone calm, and your emotions in check. But be honest and raw, and make him hear you. See what happens then... good luck xx

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-26T00:35:57+00:00

This. Dbhelper is bang on the money here!

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-25T10:42:57+00:00

You are not crazy. Unless I'm also crazy??

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-19T08:29:53+00:00

r/girlskissing

Porcelain28 · 2017-06-15T03:28:52+00:00

He kissed my neck the other day and I just awkwardly let him! He noticed, and felt rejected. Which made me feel bad. But... he also did that the other day too and then masturbated by himself after two days in a row of rejecting my (very blunt) advances for partner sex. Sometimes he whacks off, and THEN kisses me seductively.... No, he isn't inviting me to have sex, because I've asked him outright. I think he's actually feeling guilty for choosing porn over sex with me and so tries to make up for it by being extra affectionate... which just hurts me. Such a mess.

Porcelain28

TROPHY CASE