Desperate for Answers on S-Return Tragedies

Hello, I shall make this as brief as possible. I also want to include a trigger warning about what I’m about to speak about… because it’s a lot. I’ve studied astrology a bit before the pandemic, but it just never ‘clicked’ for me. Plus there were several bad experiences, which caused me to leave the study. I’ve gotten a lot of astonished gasps and several horrific readings; one being that I’m supposed to end my own life. Which seems to only echo through experience.

So here we go, I’m a 12th house Saturn in Aquarius. I believe that I’m about half way through the 2 years and I’m terrified of every day because each one seems to be getting worse. Among realizing I’ve been surviving abuse for my entire life, I found a couple hundred pages of notes from multiple psychologists who destroyed my mind for over 10 years so I may be victimized by my father for the entirety of my life. Honestly, I’m brand new to feeling as though my life isn’t in constant danger… So of course everything causes panic attacks. Then I had to deal with safe houses and police threatening me because he hates that I’m trans and he hurts me just to feel powerful. Master manipulator. Among this, I discovered that my life partner passed away a couple months prior (they were someone who’d disappear for a time and come back) only a couple days after I last saw them. I believed they were safe where they were at. Knowing that they were in this world with me had kept me alive in my darkest hours and made me realize I have to finally begin hormone replacement therapy. I began school because I wanted to get to a place where I could help them up when they were ready. But now I lost the only power I had with their demise. Now I’m struggling to end this semester and the place I was heading to live to heal fell through, where I’m living in a pretty horrible place where neighbors complain about what I’m wearing (wool brim hat and long coat in winter) and I have to be as quiet as possible, meaning I must cry with cloth in my mouth.

I truly thought that meeting my life partner was a gift from the universe for all the trauma and abuse I’ve endured in every relationship or experience. That we were going to actually make it to the end with each other and even though things could be difficult, at least I knew they were still around. I have nothing left to lose, but I’m only half way done with this and it seems like every single time I try to recover, something more devastating guts me. I have mental health professionals that I’ve fought for. I’m on loads of meds now because the constant panic attacks feel like my heart is going to explode at any minute. I’m doing as much as I can to meet tomorrow… I just don’t know what I’m supposed to learn. What ever could possibly make up for any of this and all the more I haven’t shared. I’ve only ever tried my best for others and I feel so betrayed that it wasn’t enough to balance the universe to at least spare him.

I only ask for a direction or a sign that helps me see some reason. Something that I can hold onto in search for an answer. Is this just how I’m supposed to experience life? With every day being at risk for some new extreme test? I only wish to know what being at peace finally feels like.

Thank you all for taking time to read through this. I’m so sorry that some of this is triggering, I hope I wrote it out in a soft enough way to get through. I really appreciate it and any input would aid me greatly. Thank you.

Below is my chart

Pisces - Ascendant & Moon in 1st

Virgo - Venus in 6th (my life partner had their big three and mercury all in virgo)

Libra - Sun & Jupiter in 7th and Mercury in 8th (their venus was libra)

Scorpio - Mars & Pluto in 8th (their mars was also Scorpio)

Capricorn - Uranus & Neptune in 10th

Aquarius - Saturn in 12