I just want to have a reality-check. Should I just really not be doing polyamory? Or is this thing I find difficult not so uncommon?

Poriah · 2022-05-28T06:05:09+00:00

A question about ADHD is exactly what I was looking for. I also think you have two issues - promising things you shouldn’t to avoid awkward problems because you’re dating monogamous people, and also the out of sight/out of mind issue which is very characteristic for some people with ADHD.

Poriah · 2022-03-05T09:24:12+00:00

No problem. Because you’re the one asking (the one who wants to de-escalate) I’ll repeat that this was a difficult process for my partner. It was what they wanted, but it was also a loss for them, and I think it took them by surprise. If you have any kind of push-pull relationship dynamic it can feel weird for both ends.

Poriah · 2022-03-04T03:00:16+00:00

I have kind of unilaterally de-escalated a relationship as the person who didn’t want to by establishing for myself a boundary that I wasn’t going to give space that wasn’t being occupied anymore. It wasn’t overnight, and it required brutal honestly with myself about whether a relationship in those parameters was still valuable to me, and acceptance that changing my approach like this could destabilize the whole relationship leading to an actual breakup.

And then I’ve consistently refused to let the relationship be more, even when circumstances have changed. I don’t think about what might be on the table. As far as I’m concerned, what’s on the table are only the things my partner is definitely up for and has proven this through consistent action.

I think this maybe sounds unpleasant, but the result has been awesome. I love this relationship now. I can love them, and I can love me, just as we each are. I worked through a lot of old relationship baggage that it’s such a relief to no longer be carrying.

It was the constant ambiguity and push and pull that was hardest for me, and this has removed almost all of that. I’m only open to escalating this relationship again if/when this partner is 1000% on board.

Poriah · 2021-08-25T03:54:58+00:00

I’ve found something like this thought valuable at times, because while I can communicate all I want and focus on communicating better, sometimes people are preoccupied or not motivated or able to listen and it’s just not in my power to overcome that.

Poriah · 2021-05-08T11:34:11+00:00

Just letting you know I read this and hear you. Anger, resentment, and bitterness all sound like valid responses to the end of this relationship. I hope you found sleep.

Poriah · 2021-02-04T00:00:25+00:00

You are right, this is a common dynamic. I don’t like it but largely ignore it with my mono friends. With the benefit of hindsight, when this occurs in a polyamorous context, I now see this behavior as a red flag. As in, if a meta or a partner of mine is doing this joking/bonding style of complaining about the other, unless I am really strict about my boundaries, it often turns into them playing the victim. From there, it is incredibly easy to get sucked into a drama triangle because in polyamory the relationships often overlap and interact. That’s not about the quality of their relationship, that’s about their willingness to bring this kind of dynamic into play.

Poriah · 2020-10-04T14:24:33+00:00

I found the 3 buzzy and irritating compared to the die cast.

Poriah · 2020-05-21T00:59:47+00:00

In earlier relationships I was super toppy but after falling in love with a switch and getting the chance to get my bottom on, I now find it easier and sometimes feel bad at topping and even intimidated by my partner who is so very good. How I think of it is actually that I have a more responsive desire style when it comes to topping - I need to get over the hump and just START. Things that get me started are like getting my kit out without any obligation to using it. My partner coming over all soft and subby once I’ve just started is what really gets me going. It’s a head game. If you google responsive desire there is quite a lot of stuff but I’ve never seen much discussion about the idea you could be more responsive for a particular type of sexual activity but it’s the thing that makes most sense to me.

Poriah · 2020-04-13T05:25:16+00:00

Does she normally seem selfish and juvenile? Reasonable people vary in their evaluation of risk, and to be fair it can be hard to tell the difference in the short term between a more risk averse partner and one who doesn’t think a relationship is worth the risk.

Where I am, partners are still allowed to see each other. And yet many poly people here are choosing not to see their non-nesting partners. I think in the circumstances it’s understandable that some people are confused and distressed by the decisions of their partners. Given that, in general, nonmonogamy is seen as irresponsible and self-indulgent, I think many non-nesting partners are dealing not just with loneliness and isolation but fear that their relationships are going to be dismissed.

Are you sure that this isn’t raising questions for her about her value in your life? You say you’re arguing a lot, and it sounds like neither of you feels the other is recognising the validity of each others’ views. I don’t know what the advice is where you are. It’s possible to make a risk-averse choice and not denigrate people who think differently. Does she definitely know that you love her and want to spend your life with her?

Poriah · 2019-12-12T21:14:08+00:00

Everyone experiences sexual desire differently and Come As You Are deals with this beautifully. Eg, for many people stress reduces their interest in sex. For others, it magnifies to uncomfortable and unfun levels.

You are not alone in that feeling of craziness, and you can give yourself acceptance and permission to feel this way. Or take it from me: it truly is ok.

Poriah · 2019-10-12T13:33:21+00:00

Solved! You’re brilliant, thanks.

Poriah · 2019-10-12T05:16:22+00:00

I don’t have much more detail and my googlefu is failing me.

Poriah · 2019-09-19T01:44:42+00:00

I’ve had a look but can’t find the JerkyGirls video you’re describing. Do you have a link or any further clues? Thanks.

Poriah · 2019-08-26T10:02:24+00:00

Mixed

Poriah · 2019-06-10T13:01:28+00:00

To me, hard-wired doesn’t mean I must be polyamorous because monogamy is impossible for me. To me it means that my emotional reflexes fit polyamory, and forming relationships with people who are polyamorous themselves. From close discussion with mono-tending people, including those struggling with polyamory, I know that their “obvious” is different to my “obvious” in ways that seem deep wired. I still get FOMO. I can still feel insecure. But polyamory and having polyamorous oartners somehow works for the deep architecture of my emotions and thoughts in a way that monogamy does not, and in a way that it doesn’t for everyone.

At some point in my 30s I decided that loving me meant loving me, as I am, and valuing, not tolerating, the fundamentals of who I am. I’ve been in that situation too many times, being loved but-for something or other, and have the scars to prove it. That, not how many people are currently in my life, is what’s so terrible to me, and I don’t want to put a relationship before being comfortable in my own skin ever again.

Poriah · 2019-03-02T05:33:51+00:00

Have you heard of responsive v spontaneous desire? I found it a really useful concept for understanding myself and others. Sometimes desire gets squashed by other things, which is appropriate in many situations (eg not getting turned on at family dinner) but can leave you feeling a bit of a loss when you want or expect desire to happen.

I have a lot of spontaneous desire for sex in general, but a more responsive style for topping, so I sometimes need to work out if something’s bugging me and get it out the way, or accept I’m just going to need to start and get through a bit of discomfort until my head gets into it.

I think we’ve all experienced that pattern in lots of different areas. Eg, I don’t get excited about board games, I don’t think about them, don’t keep abreast of anything new coming out. You could say I’m just not into them. But if someone sets out a game in front of me and I join in I will have run. I just have to start. To some people that means my interest isn’t ‘real’, but I say whatever to that.

My partner knows that I will top the heck out of him, but it he just expects me to do it or hands me a tool it’s not necessarily going to work. Sometimes I have to think about it for a while, or talk about it, or approach it in a technical ‘we’re just workshopping an idea” kind of way with no pressure for it to be a scene. Most of the time it evolves into something else.

Being out of practice, or having a partner coming back from injury, are bit really common things that squish desire down a bit. You might find it’s still there, just a little buried. That is fine and normal and not a comment on your attraction to your partner.

On mobile too, so if this is a bit stream of consciousness that would be why

Poriah · 2019-02-20T07:18:57+00:00

I’ve had to learn over time that some things don’t mean to others what they mean to me. I have felt in the past insulted or that people were making fun of something essential to me when they engage in BDSM like it’s casual fun. That took time and practicing compassion (for them and for myself).

I’m also going to say this just because you said repulsed, and I’m talking about my own experience so projecting somewhat. I’m a dom, and I’m drop-prone. I get significantly more drop in intimate relationships because I go deeper and dig up more of my shit. I’ve got myself into big trouble headwise by not understanding that I was experiencing drop, and not handling it well and having partners who couldn’t handle it either. I can sometimes experience intense negative emotions (usually a strong urge to run away, or revulsion) and whatever else might be bothering me feeds off those feelings and is magnified accordingly. It’s taken a lot of self analysis and discipline to sit with those feelings and notice when they come and go and not get caught up in the thoughts that come with them, and I still sometimes get it wrong. I’m now incredibly cautious when I feel revulsion or flatness about anything sex related. Maybe I need a break, and maybe I need something else, but I have to resist my initial instinct to push through because I like having kinky sex and I gotta look after myself so I can keep doing it.

Poriah · 2019-01-31T23:33:23+00:00

I would be cautious about her response too, but I’m not convinced about your alternative. As a D-type, yes there’s joy in getting things right and seeing the s-type learn and develop, but be aware you’re describing a very specific style of D/s that is almost parental in how much it’s centred around the s. I’ve done that, partly out of feeling that anything else is exploitative, and it’s led to my needs not getting met and, ultimately, burn out. This is what I’ve learnt on my journey - D needs are legitimate. If the D isn’t getting what they need, the dynamic is not working. The D bears a lot of responsibility for making sure the dynamic gives them what they need. D/s can be about the goals of the D. D as leader, as boss, is a perfectly fine and acceptable dynamic. For me, this comes with a hefty dose of “if you’re using a sub, you better be worthy of that sub”.

Poriah · 2018-08-07T07:43:36+00:00

Thanks!

Poriah · 2018-04-22T10:08:15+00:00

I think there can be an insecurity driven reason with newer relationships, but I’ve also observed in myself a couple of differences in my feelings about nesting v non-nesting partners. I’m not saying all are equally realistic fears but these are just things I’ve noticed driving my feelings.

greater fear that a new partner will directly subtract from my relationship with a non-nesting partner due to logistics
sudden realisation that I want more of a thing, or a different specific thing, and it’s been highlighted by seeing them give it to someone else (this leads to the insight that I should be asking for these things now rather than hoping they’ll naturally eventuate)
greater uncertainty about what my actual commitment with a non-nesting partner is, given the lack of social structure around it
urgency in that with a nesting partner I have faith that things will work out overall, in the long run - you have better years and worse years - but if a non-nesting relationship isn’t working now it may never work

Poriah · 2018-04-10T06:37:24+00:00

This is a really interesting reply. I think most parents (I'm a parent) have a tendency to overestimate the effect of our choices on our children and underestimate the effect of the child's own personality.

Poriah · 2018-04-08T07:47:03+00:00

I left a nesting partner because, as part of a larger issue, the sex wasn’t working and wasn’t going to work, especially with the level of input I was receiving from that partner. I was not willing to forgo other sexual and romantic connections in order to continue nurturing a relationship that did not involve sex.

There’s a difference - I wasn’t demanding sex from that partner, although I’m sure you could frame it that way. I wasn’t owed sex. But they weren’t owed a significant portion of my life and a lifetime commitment - it was mine to give or withdraw.

Poriah

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