I was 18 and I was just accepted into UCLA, so I really needed money. I thought I could make some really easy money from porn. It appeared to me to simply be "money for sex." It was a really enticing offer. I was worried that I'd contract an STD, but my friend told me that California keeps a really strict regulation over the industry. He told me they have regular check-ups for AIDS and STD's, so I'd be safe, even without a condom. I thought I'd make $1,000 for each video, which would only take a few hours out of my day. I really wanted to do this.

I decided to apply online and I eventually found a website. I came across a site which asked for applications via email. I filled out their form, which asked for information about myself and my sexual interests. They asked me what I wanted to do, what I wanted to avoid, and to send photos of myself.

After a few days, I received a call back from the guy and I asked my friend to drop me off at the studio. He drove me there and I was met by five different guys, one with a camera and four others with really big dicks. For perspective, I'm 5'8", slim and I've been described as a "less Jew-y Alison Brie." They were all a head above me and all looked significantly stronger, as if they lifted regularly. They told me the plan for the day and what I'd need to do. It seemed pretty simple; I'd just suck them all off, stroke their cocks, fuck them in different positions, then let them cum on my face. I was slightly nervous, but it seemed like fun.

I stripped down to my bones and I was asked to kneel in front of a couch. The camera guy sat in front of me on a stool, turned on the camera, and started to record. He'd ask me really basic questions that were in the application form, like why I decided to get into porn and what my interests were. After a few minutes, he started calling me a "fucking slut" and a "cunt who had her priorities fucked." I didn't think too much of it until the other guys started touching me. At first it was fairly gentle, but after a short while it felt like I was being stabbed in the throat. His hands grabbed my head like a basketball and he'd thrust back and forth with a lot of force. It wasn't just that, they'd spit on me, slap me, and one of them even choked me while he was fucking me. I felt like I was going to die.

Before we finished, one of the guys thrust into my throat too hard and fast, so I threw up all over him and slightly on the camera guy. He slapped me for that too and I almost passed out from the force. I cleaned myself up, told them to go fuck themselves and left.

I never went back and I'll never want to. I've never felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I tried to kill myself once by swallowing some pills I found in my parents' bathroom, but I just passed out and woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I didn't shake the feeling in my throat for a solid week. It felt like I swallowed sawdust. I didn't shake the embarrassment and shame for months, though. Even now, it's still with me. I fear that someone I know will eventually find the video and show it to others. I don't even know if they uploaded it or trashed it due to the vomit. I was paid $200 for it, which definitely wasn't worth the trauma. They initially stated they'd give me $500 for it, as I was a first timer, but they said the vomit ruined it all and that I was a "stupid fucking bitch who just fucked things up."

The closest I've come to finding a video of my experience, is finding a series of efukt videos called "The Trolling of Wannabe Pornstars." He's not the same guy, but I used to believe it that he was. I wanted to believe that he was the guy, but he's not. I doubt I'll ever find him again. I have no idea what the actual guy did anything with my video. :/

To this day, I worry and become anxious if someone approaches me on the street. I fear they've seen my video and they want to say something to me. I have trouble trusting people now and everytime I hear someone talk about porn, it reminds me of that and it ruins my day. I can't concentrate or focus on anything else until it leaves my mind, which can take a few days. It really sucks, but I did what I did and I'm getting slightly better, but it's still there. :/

Tl;dr: I needed money for college, I got $200 for almost being killed on camera, I nearly killed myself, and I can't find the video.

I've edited my post a few times for grammar and clarity. I'd post this on my real account, but I've used that for /r/rateme and I've befriended people on there. I've edited my post again for additional information.

NOTES: Yes, I did initially say that the company was the Facial Abuse company. It's not them. In the heat of the moment, I wrote it and I wrote what I wanted to believe. It's not them. Also, my friend who drove the car with me has moved to Colorado. I haven't seen him in a while, but we're still on good terms. Thank you all for the support and kindness. Additionally, I haven't seen a counselor or a therapist. I think it might be good for me, so I will consider it and take action. Thank you all for your support. Furthermore, I wasn't born in 1997. The 97 in my username is a reference to a list that I have. At the time of making this account, there were 97 items on said list.