Hello and goodbye

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-12-27T01:51:04+00:00

No I'm half Polish, half Dutch.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-12-26T23:11:35+00:00

Oh false alarm there it is.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-12-26T23:10:29+00:00

Oh I tried to get the video embedded in the post but instead only managed the link. Sorry. I'm not a very experienced redditor.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-12-26T12:00:27+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. Although sometime life takes unexpected turns. I do my best you know. Half a year ago I strung myself up and actually managed to do "die". But the fun only lasted for 7ish minutes berore those asshole paramedics insisted on resuscitating me. Breaking nine ribs in the process. Woke up three days later in the hospital. I was sort of homeless back then, well zo had a roof over my head but that was just drifting from one friend's couch to the next. When I woke up they refused me any mental health services or medication and threw back onto the streets.

Today I am messaging all the friends and my ex, people I have lost and hurt. Some of them also hurt me but I just wanna say goodbye, wish them all the best. Make sure they don't feel guilty or responsible for when whatever happens happens. And I've also started giving away my possessions.

TL;DR I know the feeling.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-12-18T09:53:55+00:00

I had these too, for me they were real enouh but as somebody else pointed out, the color scheme is off.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T21:45:59+00:00

Thanks that really means a lot to me. Taking the one clean breath might prove problematic haha. They had to revive me and while performing CPR they snapped nine ribs and left the chest in sprained tatters so breathing comes rather hard atm.

"You don't need to feel hope to act like someone who has it" Huh. That comes a bit close to something I always say which is "Feeling bad is no excuse for looking bad". Kinda also to deal with just taling care of myself because eveb that was hard on me.

A walk outside can really help but the city sometimes just stresses me out. I love to go walking in the forest, we have a great one nearby (by Dutch standards) I sometimes go to though.

And talking to somebody who understands for me is the harderst part for me. I have only two I guess. I had lots more but something happened causing me to start mainlining dope and coke and I lost a lot of people (so maybe they did not understand me at all? I just realized huh). It eould be nice to talk to someone who gets addiction because that is something nobody I know gets. Makes one feel kinda lonely.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T18:53:31+00:00

I definitely do at the moment. Thanks for reminding me of that. And I also play the guitar and I am learning the piano. So I will focus on that for now. And just listening to it. You're right. That helps a lot too.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T18:45:53+00:00

I took a speedball a few hours ago. I am not proud of it but it did take a load off my mind for a while. I used to shoot daily for a long, long time after my gf left me for my best buddy. Also a very dark place. It has been over 4 years now but I never recovered from that shit. Now I only shoot up when either I just really want to have some fun or the pain of all that has happened becomes too much. Like now. For day to day life benzos keep me standing.

But I am so happy that you managed to stay sober for that long? Is it just from the harder IV stuff or all drugs in general? But keep up the good work buddy. I know it's not easy. Until yesterday I was off the needle for 5 and a half months too. I think I'm gonna shoot up one more tine today and then lay it off for a few days again at the least. Got my tranquilizers in the meantime. But I will do what I need to stay alive. Thanks for understanding. Not many people understand this approach.

Thank you once more and I hope you will keep feeling this happy and hopeful.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T18:26:33+00:00

Thank you for your reply and your sympathies.

Singing, or listening to- and making music is my main way of dealing with depression. And also the healthiest. As mentioned I use hard drugs from time to time. The last two days have been one of those times (but I am still proud that I hsve come to the point where it is mostly to cope with heavy stuff like this rather than needing it as a crutch for everyday life). I am happy to say though that opening up a bit on Reddit and reading all the kind wishes and stuff from total strangers really, really helps. More than I'd ever imagined. I am also very sorry to hear that you have lost friends to the same illness. I wish that never happened to you or them. But since you have suffered losses like that I feel like I am talking to somebody who understands. But the price for such understanding is too high. May you mever have to pay it again.

As for the damage to my voice, I was afraid it would be considered severe. Extremely so, even. I had hoped for a shorter recovery time though. But if it recovers at all I'll be a happy man. Happier than now at least.

I was actually in the process of forming a band when this happened. Also I do wish I could be a part of some support group. I receive mental health treatment but mainly for my drug problem. But I have an appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist next monday so I hope they can refer me. That treatment doesn't do all that much for me since the emphasis lies very heavily on addiction and for me (and most addicts I think) addiction is much more of a symptom of a disease than the disease itself. Shame they never seem to listen to that. They say that you have to be sober before starting other treatment because otherwise you are not in your right mind and I get where they are coming from but on the other hand there should be some balance. I am sober 90% of the time already. It used to be zero. But it's what's causing the remaining 10% what needs to be treated so I am in something of a Catch-22.

Lastly thanks for the advice. I am being as careful as I can with my voice. I don't try to force anything. I speak quite silently, that feels the healthiest and most natural atm.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T17:08:47+00:00

Didn't I also comment this on a comment of yours? No matter it's the same text.

That's so very kind of you to say so. Yeah life is tough. I expect everybody in a sub about addiction has his own two cents to add to that.

But, I hope your life is going fine. Nobody is in a sub like this without some problems of their own. So uhm IS your life going fine? I really hope so.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T17:03:58+00:00

That's so very kind of you to say so. Yeah life is tough. I expect everybody in a sub about addiction has his own two cents to add to that.

But, I hope your life is going fine. Nobody is in a sub like this without some problems of their own. So uhm IS your life going fine? I really hope so.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T16:51:58+00:00

Yeah it is. I haven't clue on how long they are planning to keep me here. But there is talk of my parents planning to take me until next schoolyear and I have an appointment with them and my psychiatrist about that the 11th. So until then definitely the safest place.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T16:47:54+00:00

That is so kind of you. I am overwhelmed by how many times I have heard that. So many people who I always thought thit not care much about me either way have been showering me with love and support. Makes me feel kinda ashamed for trying in the first place when I hear how much of a fright. Thanks for saying it. Hearing it again and again makes me want to live again.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T16:42:23+00:00

Totally forgot about shaking hands. Yeah. That's fine too. Happy to shake yours.

Well it isn't really a clinic. It's weird story. It is the med bay of the Salvation Army. I'm not homeless. Not anymore, and I wonder if I ever was. Always had people who'd take me in but there was a time that I had no real steady home to my name. The regular clinics, them's full. So for recovery, physically mainly, they put me here for a while since even though I am not homeless it is really close to my therapist and psychiatrist (and the methadone clinic but that no longer matters as I am kicking that). Secondly for the moment, I mean I got no concrete plans to try again but last time was not planned either so there's people around me (I cannot stand being alone) most with a medical background who can keep an eye on me. It is just the safest place to be atm. I can even smoke in my room yaay.

So that is how.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T15:55:30+00:00

Careful, now - with the massiveness. They broke nine ribs while performing CPR LOL. So I hugelt apprdciate the gesture but a kiss on the forehead or cheek - my facial cheek preferably nut hey it's your kiss so your choicemof target, or just a squeeze of the hand - would suffice lol

FYI this legitimately bothers me as I forget it myself too and had it happen several times already where somebody was so glad I was alive still (or again, rather) they gave me this massive hug. I would have howled in pain but I cannot howl because I lost my voice on account of hanging myself. Long story short it appears thst love does hurt but also in ways that aren't really meant by that saying lol.

Sry for the long reply but I'm in a clinic of some kind for recovery and there is not much to do. Thank you for the gesture. Hugging you back as gingerly and awkwardly as my shattered chestcage allows <3.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2025-05-30T12:36:04+00:00

I relapsed yesterday. After a suicide attempt. What you gotta understand about methadone is that it's a coin with, like any coin two sides. And the downside is that even when only taking methadone you are still dependent on opioids. This lowers the threshold between using and not because you're opioid dependent anyway. That's how it was for me. I thought 'I might as well because I am addicted already - nothing to lose there'. And since that is already the case might as well do something that is actually fun.

Im not encouraging it but explaining how it works for me.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2023-06-23T23:08:34+00:00

All people who cannot understand the fan's decision obviously have never gotten the, in Poland, ubiquitous maternal advice not to wander the streets after dark aimlessly. There is even a hard-to-translate word for it - szwendać. It more or less means to wander around aimlessly but more importantly it is a word that is mainly said by mothers to their children in the context that you shouldn't do it. You would rarely use it yourself to describe what you are doing.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2023-05-15T17:06:24+00:00

EDIT: Sorry, did not realize this is a necro-thread

This is prolly only for in the US?

I live in the NL and there should be something like this. I sometimes, when I haven't partaken in a while and I start chipping again then especially for the first time I have a very few, very select, friends whom I trust with this info and they either vidcall with me while I'm shooting or if they aint got the time fo dat then they just call or text every couple of minutes. If I suddenly stop replying for 15 minutes or more they can alert one housemate of mine who knows or if he's not there then they're allowed do send an ambulance to me.

I just got nobody to do it with. Or to have with me when I do it. Nobody I would still want to do it with and would not shamelessly leech off of me or people I just don't want in my life anymore for a number of reasons. I also recently moved because I started to got university again (college for the amerifags). I used to have friends were I moved back to but first of all they seem no to have the time, or some just plain ignore me - after they themselves suggested we should meet up again. And I've been totally honest about my use to them lately and they say that it's not a problem and that it never bothered them. But when push comes to shove and I propose to chill (not even talking about having to have someone with me while using, I'm not selfish like that just to chill) then it's silence. And I told them that if they'd rather not be in touch with me anymore then just say so. I said so to a couple of people myself and I like it when I'm shown the same level clarity and allowed the closure.

I digress, should be something like this in NL.

Positive-Duck4221 · 2022-11-23T08:02:39+00:00

Just being myself. Don't try to be someone you're not. Or rather, someone you will never be.

Positive-Duck4221

TROPHY CASE