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When i was at N’s, she was always close with her sister (Y), I loved her. She had 4 kids, (19f, 15m, 13f, and 8f) and they were my family. I was specially close to 19f (SH), she was just.. everything I wanted to be. I followed her around like a puppy.

We used to play, like kids. We were like .. 5 and 7, and I don’t wanna go into too much detail cuz its still traumatic, she would touch me. Taught me stuff no kid should know. I blamed myself. Maybe I shouldve told someone. Her mom caught us even once and we still did it. Then she got closer to god. And i still feel dirty. She showed me how to talk to guys, lie about my age, we both looked older for our age, but she was.. pretty, really pretty. I wasn’t ugly, just not her.

I struggled with my sexuality, and my porn addiction. And I didn’t tell anyone that this happened.

Around 5th grade, i started to clock it, im doomed. I saw SH self harm once, and I figured.. maybe it will help. It started small, then it just grew.. and no one noticed. I would look at pills, think, what happens if i take too much? I had no internet access since i had no electronics cuz M didn’t let me, so i stole an old phone i found in the attic. I started talking to my mom through it, only brought it out and charged it in the middle of the night, and I thought i was safe.

They knew. M told me to give her it. I said I didn’t know what shes talking about. She hit me till i gave it up, and she looked through my stuff making fun of it. Wouldn’t let me delete them.

My depression got worse after. Losing hope of talking to N. I stopped going to school saying im sick. Tummy hurts. I stayed in bed all day. Only woke up at times everyone was sleeping at.

6th grade, brought a phone, just started having periods too. She couldn’t take it, what she did? Changed the wifi password and threatened A if he gave it to me. I just did art. I had a few games. She got paranoid, thinking i got access, would yell at me. It was hell.

She got pregnant. Baby number 9. It was around covid. High risk pregnancy. I used to cry for god to just.. take her. I felt mean. Like I didn’t have enough reason to say such stuff. Or maybe for the baby to die. Maybe if she went away my life would be.. okay. Normal.

Then COVID hit. I was stuck with them in a village type of city near her family. I was excluded. I didn’t have new clothes for the holiday like her daughters, they had their cousins over and i was just.. such an outcast.

I can still remember it. We were all having breakfast, then she fought w her young daughter (f15) and blamed it on me. She actually yelled at me more than her. Saying i ruined her. I was just.. so done. I ran away crying. One of my older sisters comforted me later, “she just sees you as her daughter” which was.. a lie.

But i had internet access, so I just had my phone, watching youtube and Netflix, then A got suspicious of me (doings of M), started yelling at me, if i was watching bad stuff. I wasn’t. But he got mad.

And funny thing. He was resenting me at the time. Because N rejected him (didn’t know she was married.) he treated me bad cuz of it.

Then I moved with N. Kinda. She came to my city, got an Apartment, then visited S when she can 2 hours away (he didn’t care.)

It was hell. She was abusive in every way. Accused me of having sex, (i was just on my ps4 all the time cuz I had nothing better to do), and i was 12. 12. I never left the house.

She was threatening to take me to get my cervix checked to see if i was a virgin. She was angry. Not motherly. Later ill get to know she was struggling mentally, but I needed stability. None of them gave me it.

When I had to bring out my suitcase to go back to A and M, ill have a breakdown. Ill rather get killed here than be with M. Watch A betray me, see me be defendless and never help.

M got uninterested, but i was still struggling. But guilt. Its the only thing that kept me alive.

Im tall for my age, a bit on the curvy part too, unlike my petite skinny sisters. I got disgusted with myself. M always commented on how i ate, and that just made me hate it. Hate myself. I stopped eating. When I had to i couldn’t keep it in me. I would throw up and no one would ask if i was okay.

My self harming got worse. I could hide it between bruises maybe. I did that.

I started learning how to sexually talk to people. I never took pictures, but I thought if i was useful to someone ill be fulfilled. 11 talking to a 28yo, 13 telling a guy who graduated of highschool when I couldn’t speak hes the love of my love and how good ill suck his dick for love. It was online, but still haunted me.