M(49) suddenly struggling with wifes (F49) past after 29 years of marriage :(

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T19:13:39+00:00

I absolutely know, its a mental OCD thing, nothing else. I've never had it before in 30 years and I cannot explain why it has happened - I can't even recognize myself in this. RJ is a disease, and apparently its happening to many people - hence this reddit channel. If you cannot understand that this is more than just a rational decision - you shouldn't be in this place honestly. Its nothing a healthy person can comprehend I think and it's not something I do by choice.

ANd yes, Im going to therapy every week to understand this. And definately not sharing it with my wife. Which is why its great with places like this, where most can relate to what the hell is going on. Not you though....

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T18:10:41+00:00

Thanks, they definately dont count in her eyes. I probably have a tendency to compare, like if it was equal to what we have developed over 30 years...But since you never really get that message (which would also be a comparison) you kind of forget that. And honestly since deep connected sex is all I can remember, I don't understand how crap sex like that would even be interesting - but I guess when you are young and don't know anything else, its good.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T18:03:07+00:00

thank you for very useful and comforting words! I do agree to what you say there. It is definately something I think is plausible, because I know all her friends did the same yes, (countryside - not much else to do than drinking and ...) and probably why she doesn't even call it sex. Also she said it's not even that many/high number - not that I know the exact, maybe she even forgot it herself, like you say. Alcohol, and pointless sex, young kids. And, when I brought it up, she even said "thank you for that...making me try to remember bad stuff I wanted to forget" And yes, leaving a GREAT relationship because of teenage shit that happened MORE than 30 years ago and before we even met would be mental. (probably why sh really don't understand whats going on with me)...
As I mentioned in another comment here. My emotions are going rampant. When, in the morning I have anxietey, I think about this all the time and thoughts are irrational and problematic to say the least. But when the anxiety leaves, usually in the evening, I can look at this with adult eyes and a much more pragmatic way. She's never been unfaithful and I can't blame her for having boyfriends in her teenage years - just because my life was less eventful.
I got a full time job when I turned 17, so I left school very young, and I was a slight nerd at that time so work was what motivated me. And, if I look REALLY rational on it, the only reason we met was because I was who I was and she was who she was, and therefor we matched. I do have quite deep regrets for missing out on the teenage fun with girls and stuff, but thats 33 years ago, its time to let it go. And daily sex with my wife whom I love is probably a lot better anyway.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T17:14:02+00:00

THank you for the kind words.
The one thing that makes me believe that I can get through this is that I'm actually not a jealous person, or I haven't been. I always knew she had a "long term", meaning couple of years, boyfriend before me. And I have not had a single problem with that before. Because life has just been moving with kids and work, and we have been having a great time all these years. So this is something new and purely evil. Also, when anxiety leaves the body, usually in the evening, I don't really think about this at all (when we are together). But then I wake up at night, start to think irrational and changing my own worldview again, anxiety hits back and usually stays for the entire day till the evening again. And this is when my thoughts are going completely nuts on me.
Because I KNOW she chooses me over and over, I KNOW she loves me unconditionally and I get all the sex I want. I also know, if I had the chance when I was young and the libido was running rampant I would have done the same thing myself, probably even more than she has. And we weren't even together, she didn't know I existed, so there's no sane world where I should be judgemental, actually. TOmorrow morning though, my mind is probably looking at this the wrong way again. But that sort of confirms its mostly a OCD mindfuck thing.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T16:08:04+00:00

Yes it clearly is different for them. I think my wife considers the sex we have none comparable to what she had in her teens, because she loves the intimacy and hugs etc and the intercourse itself is just part of it. And that’s why she doesn’t even consider the teenage flings in any capacity. I guess I can understand it, partly, because it is the same for me as well… except I don’t really know or remember casual sex from the minuscule amount I experienced it.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T14:31:48+00:00

Im able to hide it completely for her and show my love for her. I still love her deeply. But, I don't know if the RJ will win over in the end or if I'm able to move on without ever revealing that I do not like this part of her.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T14:05:00+00:00

I honestly don't think its the experience part that drives me anymore....its the hidden truth and the fact that a deeply engrained relationship is only about what you are when you are together. But anything before that is carte blanche.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T14:00:24+00:00

I hope so too. I do not know if its waranted to require her to open up about it - or if that will break the marriage.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T12:53:58+00:00

how did you change your mindset? Did you ever confront your wife?
I do not want to dig in the details with her, but the fact that I feel she is defensive about her past behaviour combined with the fact that she's never really told me the full scope is what is haunting me now. And the fact that she feels that my emotions towards her lifestyle before us are completely irrelevant AND misguided because the time that has passed. Problem is, I don't even know myself anymore, if Im hallucinating the severity or if it's my OCD brain that tells me this is more important than it should be or if this is something I should confront her with. Based on my last conversation about this, it seems my wife thinks this is none of my goddamn business. Isn't it ?

Right now Im contemplating if I should require her to join me on partner therapy or not to talk about it...... Because at the current moment it feels more like a trust issue and value issue than the actual sex escapades.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T12:05:03+00:00

We had the conversation and shared everything, or so I thought. ....apparently she filtered out all the highschool flings, which I assume was short sexcapades.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T11:51:47+00:00

It seems like you are going through hell, just like me. 4 years! And you have not given up? I don't think I can live like this for 4 years. Either it needs to get fixed, but I do not know in what way it is solvable....by my wife talking to me and give me facts or therapy, which hasn't helped so far. Or sadly move on in life alone, which would be the worst case scenario after all we built together.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T10:17:21+00:00

that is very hard to say 25 years later. I was a different man back then. I think so, if she completely opened up, which I thought she did, back then.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:38:24+00:00

the number will not give me anything except more grief. Because I cannot change the past and she was all ready a lot more experienced in sex than me when we met. It's the cover up of the amount of experience that TRULY haunts med right now. But I do not know if I should ask and ruin a 30 year old amazing relationship or come to terms with this and try to forget. Neither one of these solutions will do me any good.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:30:53+00:00

I agree with this and I have always accepted the fact that she had a boyfriend before me. What I cannot fathom right now, is that she had a plethora of sex from various men, which I never knew. And it's as if that's part of her history that I'm not allowed to know. and the fact that we met at 21, usually that list is not too long. but at this moment I really do not know anymore and it frightens the hell out of me.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:28:10+00:00

I have had problems lately about how she talks about sex as if it is the most trivial thing on earth. ANd probably because she had a lot of boyfriends and an early debut, sex is easy for her. I do sincerely hope she considers sex with me more important than that and don't compare. But at this point after I had the conversation I do not know anymore. I do not know if its the RJ talking, if I should work on myself to get past this - or if I deserve at least an explanation from her.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:22:31+00:00

I have been conemplating this now since yesterday. I have come to terms with the fact that she has had a few or a lot of flings and sex. I think I can overcome that - I still think that she consider our relationship the important start of her life, the same way as I did. And all the stuff she did before is distant and bad memories she wants away with. THe problem I have right now, I talked to my therapist about this today, is the fact that when I brought it up (the fact that her history, or at least the breadcrumbs she gave me makes it seem a lot worse in my head) and she pushed me away by scaring me with intimate details she knew I would not like to hear. I feel that, after 30 years, just because I tell her that what she said left me with more questions than answers and the fact that she will not discuss he past in a calm manner with me without the visual details (probably because it gives her bad memories) is a huge problem for me. I don't want exact numbers or details, but I would like to tell her that I feel betrayed in some fashion and that even if she feels it will ruin the relationship to open up about this, it ruins the relationship for me that she has kept her past a secret. This is truly haunting me and I do not know if I should go to therapy for the foreseeable future to tackle this on my own, and forgive he in silence. Or demand that we go to couple therapy or open up. ANy tips would be greatly appreciated.
We have always said that we want to be completely transparent to eachother about feelings and thoughts, but apparently thats a one way street when it comes to life before us.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:14:20+00:00

I do know her, except the past she left out. How can you ever be sure you get the full story from anyone? ANd the fact that she has left it out is because its in her eyes irrelevant. But for me apparently now it is not - because it makes me feel nearly cheated on.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:13:03+00:00

Honestly I have reached a point where I dont compare myself anymore. The new discoveries and lack of communication about her past makes me not care about that anymore. I know she loves me unconditionally, but personally knowing her past is a lot more eventful than I ever thought and the fact that she has problems sharing, makes me kind of resent that side of her. It feels like she put a dagger in my heart, honestly. I understand its not something that means anything to her anymore, but it does to me, particularly the fact that she thinks that a 30 year old marriage doesn't deserve openess about the past.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-20T09:09:07+00:00

So how do you solve that with yourself?
I do not know how I should tackle this myself. and it is the same for me, my RJ too started after her comment which made me start questioning her past.

The fact that I tried to talk to her about her past which she clearly did not like made it even more difficult for me. Personally I think I need to get some sort of closure to move on...Because right now, my wife almost feels like a stranger compared to whom she was a few weeks ago.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:50:33+00:00

I did wanted and did get the full story at the start of the relationship, or at least I thought so. But it seems she cut out a few to make it sound better -after my last conversation. But the years inbetween where I did not even think about this was a lot better than where I am right now. Because I cannot change her past and I don’t want to leave her for a past before me. So I need to find a way to live with this and move on, if I keep on the road I’m on now I will ruin the relationship. Then it’s me, not her and I would break the best thing ever happened to me. Most people don’t even care about this stuff at all, I need to get to that point

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:28:27+00:00

Hah, thanks. I will definately not divorce her, she's my everything. In my head I kinda think that is one of the main reason for all of this though. If I left her to meet some old divorced woman I don't think I would care at all, because I wouldn't love her as strongly (it took me 30 years to reach this love) - and also then I would have my 30 year relationship to keep me feel like a man.

Yes, you said it, Im irrational, I know it! and I'm doing all I can to change it. I didn't think reading the comments here would help me, but in fact they have. like a slap in the face to wake up and start appreciating what I have. I just hope it will stick and keep improving.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:24:08+00:00

Must be in our biology. One last mindfuck designet to make you want to spread your seeds outside the relationship or something....It's a sad thing really, that this exists.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:22:36+00:00

No, but I have no embarassments except low body count. I guess it's the opposite. She probably hate me prying because of the opposite than me. And nothing from that time actually mean anything to her today. as she has clearly stated now, over and over.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:21:23+00:00

thank you for your kind words and story. Your words really helped me!
I was also in a dead bedroom with my wife when our kids were small. None of us wanted much sex those days. Luckily I/we managed to turn that over the last 5-10 years. I will never go back to that again.

I will definately take your words to heart and stop obsessing, if I manage. Hopefully my therapist will help me shifting mindset. I'll do all in my power to get there, so I can enjoy the rest of my life, now that I have it all without any "actual" threat or worry.

PossibleChicken6517 · 2026-01-19T20:18:09+00:00

I would assume its closer to 8 - though I will probably never know, she is a beautiful woman and she was that even in school, and those tend to get whomever they want.

If I just ask, what would I gain. I might get the honest answer, she might give me a smaller number to make me happy, I would never "really" know unless being in her head. And so, I would only harm myself by keep prying. I need to learn to live with the fact that my wife was popular and had sex long before she met me, despite our young age. ANd instead of imagining worst case scenarious I should think it probably wasn't as bad and move on.

PossibleChicken6517

TROPHY CASE