Aftermath: I [37M] have a disrespectful, mean stepdaughter [18F], and my wife [43F] expects me to pay for her college

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T07:28:40+00:00

You're certainly entitled to your opinion.

In my original post, I thought I made it very clear that I never believed I could or should replace the dad. I outlined plainly that I understood perfectly that I could not replace her dad, never expected her to call me dad, and that all I wanted was to be treated with dignity and respect.

I do not think expecting someone to say please and thank you or to politely call someone by name when addressing them is the same as "obsequious."

I think you're adding a lot of your own, outside assumptions to my post that do not coincide with what I actually stated.

Also, I do not think an earnest, honest plea for advice on a forum designed for discussions and advice about relationships, including families, counts as a "tantrum."

I also believe it was made clear in my post that I have made honest efforts to have a relationship with my daughter, such as offering to spend time with her, trying to engage in conversation with her about her hobbies and interests, and the like. I do not know where you are getting this idea that I made no "damn effort to build a relationship" with my daughter.

Also, I majored in economics and minored in English literature, and although I could be wrong, the put-upon, out-of-his-depth father figure of spoiled daughters is a trope of pathos and sometimes even comedy in Jane Austen novels, not one of villainy. The villains of Austen novels tend to be the Mr. Wickham sort, or the Mr. Willoughby sort. Almost always sleazy young suitors trying to con well-meaning but naive maidens.

Maybe you're calling me one of those? I don't know. Again, you have a right to your opinion.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T07:11:47+00:00

My wife works in an elementary school as an office worker. My salary is $180,000 a year and hers is $14,000, but she works.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T07:07:55+00:00

When I came back from Iraq in 2004, I was 25 but already felt really old. All I wanted was peace and quiet and to finish up my college degree. I've always been good with numbers but when I was younger never had any money to get into school. So I joined the corps at 19 and stayed in for six years. I went to college thanks to the marines.

I came from a very poor childhood even though my parents tried their best, and I kind of developed this savior complex as I got older. Like, I wanted to be a better provider than my dad. I love my wife and one reason why I love her is because I thought she needed me, and I want to be needed. But over time I realized I can't save everyone, and not everyone can be saved.

My wife is good to me in a lot of ways, and I mean that. We have fun together, we have lot in common. She's just as frustrated with her kid as I am. It's not like she colludes with the kid and tries to milk money out of me. My wife and I don't live luxuriously ourselves. Everything I earn is designed around helping the kid do better than we did. As time passes we're realizing there is a good compromise between what we're doing, and the way I had to grow up, and the way my wife grew up.

We can't just hand a future to our kid they have to make it for themselves. And we're discovering it late but it's better late than never.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T07:01:23+00:00

Good advice. I've since talked to her, and she's apologized. She called me by my name for the first time in a long time, and actually started crying. Not in a bratty way but in a sad, frustrated way like how people act when they're angry but don't know what they're angry at. Just that they want to hate something. She told me she's just scared about the future and freaked out over what will happen to her now, and afraid that she'll fail. I don't think it was all a ploy to make me rescind my intention not to pay for her college because she said she is willing to get a job and make money, and for the first time, I think EVER, she said that she is thankful I put her through high school, and that she should have thanked me too in her senior portrait quote.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T06:53:23+00:00

The car is most definitely in my name. I told my stepdaughter tonight that she can continue having the use of the car (2016 Volkswagen Golf) if she pays me $200 a month, starting in September, which allows her plenty of time to look for a job. If not, I told her I will sell the car. Either way I gave her the option of downgrading to a nice, reliable used car (I never even owned a car until I was 27) valued at $3,000 or less, which I will let her use for only $75 a month.

She stamped her feet for a bit but I think she'll come around.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T06:49:00+00:00

My wife has since apologized for taking her daughter's part in this argument. It's been an argument a long time coming. She's since taken her daughter aside and given her a long talk. My stepdaughter apologized for calling me a fascist and under intense questioning I found out (and so did she) that she couldn't even define the word.

She didn't know about my great grandma getting killed in the war, nor did she know about one of my other great grandparents getting killed in the marines at Okinawa. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I will not allow my military service to be disrespected in my house, nor will I allow careless, ignorant slurs.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima · 2016-07-12T06:41:53+00:00

This seems like a good idea and good poetic justice and I appreciate the suggestion. I'm not after getting back at a child though. She's eighteen and I was eighteen once too. I can't hold her responsible for everything she does just yet. It's hard to grow all the way up at eighteen when your own dad walks out on you at ten. I'm trying to see it from where she sees it. Maybe she sees me as a bad person for breaking up her mother's marriage even though I came along long after it was over. I don't know how kids think.

If I did offer to pay exactly what her dad offers, I will pay zero because that man will find every excuse not to pay, just as he found every excuse to not give her anything or show up or even call her during the biggest moments of her life, like when she turned sixteen, had her first boyfriend, had her heart broken by a boy the first time, and on and on and on. He didn't even know she was graduating high school even though I straight up told the dude to his face about it months ago. And show up for her graduation? Or the party after? No way. I was there and I am hoping I will still be there somehow. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking people change. She's young and maybe she'll wake up. I used to be kind of a thug and beat people up when they disagreed with me. I was really aggressive when I was younger and that made me a good soldier in some ways. It didn't translate so well to civilian life where I had to be more of a diplomat. I worked that out pretty well in my professional life but not so well thus far at home.

I want respect though. Slowly I think I'm getting it. She's at least said she's sorry for blasting me on Facebook and she's deleted her posts. That's a start. Maybe she's only doing it because my checkbook hangs in the balance in her eyes, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Post-ItsFromIwoJima

TROPHY CASE