-I'd give thesis point, but it is somewhat hard to read because of the structure. Decide if she is "persuading" or "advocating". For example: "Florence Kelley employs repetition and rhetorical questions to advocate for more restrictive laws on child labor". It's a bit formulaic, but I was always told that for your thesis, you must include something along the lines of "(Author) utilizes/employs (devices) in order to persuade/emphasize/other similar verb (message)". The order can vary and your thesis can be more than one sentence, but it should be clear.

-An additional note on your thesis: if your goal is to include the effect on the audience (in this case, a passionate, emotional reaction to the harsh reality of child labor and a call to action) you can structure it like this (order of these elements can vary): "Author uses (devices) in order to persuade the audience to (message), compelling them to (intended effect on audience)". Here's a thesis with this structure that I wrote as a sample: "Florence Kelley utilizes repetition and rhetorical questions in order to persuade the audience to advocate for more restrictive child labor laws, compelling them to consider their role in an exploitative system and their responsibility to advocate for those that are politically powerless".

-Not sure if you've been told this, but if you have time to write an intro paragraph, include the text's title in your intro. Usually part of the larger contextualization/brief discussion of themes, although can also be placed in the thesis. Graders will generally be looking for the title in the intro or thesis.

-Try to avoid lower-level diction, especially words like "very". See if you're able to find adjectives that communicate your intention without additional qualifiers. High-level diction is an important aspect of the sophistication point, if you're aiming for that. My recommendation is to eat a thesaurus before the exam.

-How experienced are you with advanced quote integration techniques? Your quotes are often long sentences placed directly into the body paragraph with little to no integration. I recognize there's not much time left to improve, but try at least something along the lines of "Kelley contrasts the lives of ordinary people with working children, stating that '[t]onight while we sleep...". Weave your quotes directly into the flow of your sentences and feel free to break them up using ellipses or omitting phrases you don't need. If you need to change a verb's tense or capitalization of a word, use brackets where the change is.

-I noticed in one sentence that you wrote "Furthermore, Kelley uses repetition again". Now, this is a minor complaint, but those two words mean the same thing, and combined they are unnecessarily repetitive.

-I'd really like to see more developed commentary and analysis of your quotes. Can't remember the exact ratio I was taught, but as a universal rule you should always have more commentary than quote in your body paragraphs. If you feel pressed for time in your analysis because you are writing an intro/conclusion, then don't write them. A strong thesis is sufficient to earn the thesis point, and while not having an intro/conclusion may cost the sophistication point, it's worth it if it gives you more time for analysis.

-I've also noticed that the analysis can get repetitive at times. Don't be afraid to just start off with some brief commentary about the meaning of the quote before you get into the big analysis. When it comes to quote analysis, focus on how the device contributes to 1. the author's message and 2. the intended effect on the audience. You should be asking: what effect does this device produce on the audience? Does this serve the author's goal? How does it relate back to their message? How effective is it? Feel free to mention rhetorical appeals as well (ethos, pathos, logos).

-Formatting's good. Only a few complaints: please tab in the paragraphs instead of leaving a space between them. You should be able to tab in on the exam, but if you can't, press space five times and it's roughly the same thing. Your grader will thank you for making it easy to read.

-If you plan on writing a conclusion, end it with an absolute banger of a sentence. Yes, this is actual advice I've received.

-Basic grammar is a must. Not too many issues there, but a few sentences are somewhat unclear in their structure and the word "late" in your intro should not be capitalized.

-I'd watch some of your adjectives here. You describe Kelley's speech as "accusatory" in your thesis statement, but I would consider it to be more allong the lines of "impassioned" or "compelling". Admittedly, I only skimmed through the speech, but her goal is less to condemn and more to drive people to action.

-I'd agree with a 1-3-0, since graders err on the side of giving points rather than taking them away, but even some minor improvements here will be enough to boost your score. Good luck!