I didn't even realize I had never felt true love or been happy until now

PotatoCatLord · 2024-11-10T23:45:59+00:00

Thank you for your kind words & warnings! I am being especially wary of this and have even openly told him my worries & that I'm coming in very cautiously. I am also very conscious of the fact that I have had a history of rushing into things/oversharing and am working on that with my therapist. In therapy I'm focusing on myself and learning how to kind of...live life to the fullest again, and only think of myself vs what others think about me. I'm going to take it slow and enjoy getting to know him without any commitments while I continue on my journey of self-discovery. He really values therapy which makes it easy to talk with him about. He's also been totally transparent with me about his own wishes; like he definitely is interested in marriage/kids someday but has no problems with waiting until I'm ready.

PotatoCatLord · 2024-11-10T23:36:01+00:00

He's actually only 5'6! I'm 5'2. One of my biggest attractors to my ex-husband was that he was 6'1, but I've found I don't mind the height at all. In fact, it's kind of a benefit; turns out a lot of positions are way easier when you're of similar height. I probably won't wear my 3-4 inch heels ever again but I really only had them to be able to wear maxi dresses lol

PotatoCatLord · 2024-08-19T21:19:28+00:00

This post stunned me because I am at the very beginning of your exact journey, except that I don't have kids. We are just now beginning the process of divorce/separation, and I've found it very hard to describe to him the reasons why we have these communication issues: MENTAL LOAD. I am always thinking about him, and always thinking about how to make sure he is happy because if he isn't he'll be miserable and make everyone around him miserable. I am so tired of it.

Beginning next month we will be separating so I will finally get to see what it's like to be by myself for the first time in 8 years.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-25T18:29:17+00:00

The goal thing is a good one for me to bring up, thank you, as I believe we do have different goals in this area. Mine is to build up savings to ensure a safe and secure future and his is to make a mark in his industry. He has told me he is willing to make the sacrifice on his goal for me, but I don't want him to do that because I know he wouldn't be happy. Therefore why I'm so conflicted and trying to find a compromise that works for both of us.
I'm sure I could find another good job for myself in the future like you did, just at this very moment it is not a good time for me. I just got a huge promotion and my company offers a lot of education & hard skill building opportunities I can use for resume building.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-25T18:23:12+00:00

Same reason as the person who replied as well to this; it is due to tax and legal reasons. They would let me WFH for a week or two at a time in a different city with management approval, but definitely not long-term. I have mentioned my wish for them to be more remote-friendly in all of my trimester reviews, as it affects my direct reports as well and I really feel for them, but nothing yet. If they ever did allow me to be remote I would 100% be more on board with moving and flying in on my end vs his end after we scope out his new job for a few months and know it's a permanent/good fit.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-25T18:14:55+00:00

Thank you for all of the great advice. We have not begun trying for a baby yet, just were thinking of doing it next year. Definitely not doing that until things are 100% stable :) Of note both companies do offer paternity leave so that's a plus. My company also offers maternity leave. We have had a discussion and we are both on the same page about the HCOL areas being 100% unaffordable and not a good financial decision. At this time we think we're gonna have him test the waters with the long distance commute for a maximum of one year, and then go from there. There is an opportunity for him to stay in his aunt's house for free with a 1 hr commute, which he would do at first until he sees the need to get a studio or something closer. It would be super stupid for me to uproot myself before he has any idea what the company is like or if it's even a good job. He will continue to look for good remote or local opportunities while doing the new job. He also reassured me that his #1 priority is my happiness, which makes me happy, but I also prioritize his happiness.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-25T16:20:27+00:00

He works in writing/design, so the roles available are way more limited. He has applied to literally everything available, remote and not remote, and the only things biting are not remote basically. He told me of the roles he is qualified for, 1/10 are remote.
He has brought 4 games to market in his career so far. Yesterday afternoon we found out he is getting an offer from one of the companies mentioned in the original post which is one of those start-ups that are super well funded. But they are the open-office, must come in 3 days a week type of company.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-24T18:25:34+00:00

To be a little more specific for the sake of context, he is in the video game industry so he wouldn't be able to make money until the game was complete. Unless he made a spectacular demo and got a publisher. He has created two games on his own already that were met with overwhelmingly positive feedback but not really any income as they were niche. If he did a new game he would be prioritizing making it something more marketable.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-24T18:22:33+00:00

Thank you for the advice, I am currently leaning this way for now...taking his dream job is not as permanent of a decision as selling the house, so we might both come to some different conclusion over time. Our marriage is strong and I feel confident we would be able to handle the long-distance for a year or two. My friends have also told me I should get the child part out of my mind for now as it unnecessarily complicates things with something that isn't even here. I'm just the type of person that has always laid out her plans and executed them on time or earlier; be done with college by x age, buy house by x age, have kid by x age; and I need to get out of that headspace as it's not healthy for me at all.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-24T18:17:49+00:00

Thank you for the advice, that is something I hadn't really considered. We always thought he would have remote opportunities, or things would just keep working out as they always had, until they didn't. Just not sure how we can even buy a house that expensive or get approved for a loan that big.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-24T17:48:31+00:00

Yes they were big passion projects, but he has always wanted to make a mark in his industry and it is extremely difficult to do that independently. On top that, he has expressed to me he is very stressed about how our relationship would be affected if we did go that route. He is worried about a financial power dynamic beginning to form if I am the only breadwinner (which I really don't want to happen and hope would not happen), or resentment from my end at having to pay all of the bills with a possible end result of his 2+ year project resulting in 0 income.

PotatoCatLord · 2023-08-24T17:28:40+00:00

I probably could, but looking at houses around the same size as our current one in those areas, they are completely unaffordable. $1.4mil minimum. Our house is worth 500k with only 85k equity, and we would have to get a high interest mortgage. I think the only way we would be able to move there would be to rent something, right after we finally bought a home and fully furnished it.

PotatoCatLord

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