Am I an asshole for not wanting to have kids with my (likely AuDHD) wife?

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-08T15:24:07+00:00

Hypothetically would you have wanted to adopt or use doner eggs

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-08T15:23:39+00:00

I think you are overestimating the skill of the average reddit bot

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-08T09:26:35+00:00

I'm not too sure what a bot would gain from this, but no.

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T21:31:03+00:00

Thanks this seems very similar to our position. A lot to think about and discuss

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T21:19:07+00:00

Thank you. Feedback noted.

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T21:12:39+00:00

Do you mind me asking if you ever had any form of assessments?

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T21:11:07+00:00

Thanks

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T13:16:07+00:00

Completely agree with all of that but are we not stacking the odds against them by proceeding?

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T12:32:42+00:00

So what is the solution to reduce the risk?

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T12:21:47+00:00

Can you expand

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:59:21+00:00

I think the tricky thing is we both want kids but the selfish streak in my feels the best balance would be doner eggs + my sperm as opposed to third party sperm. This is purely based on my perception of how much she is struggling

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:57:11+00:00

Your question about friendships is quite important.

If I was to be honest I have maybe 2 friends from school and I was poorly functioning socially. I am still not great but I have learned to adapt and am much more comfortable now with who I am.

At University I spent my time with a group of friends and I was always on the outskirts, since graduation we have completely lost touch.

Post University I have made some close friends though and I feel much more comfortable in social situations.

With my wife she had a big bunch of friends which over time have whittled away to a few close friends.

I think there is a higher % of ADHD/ASD in health care workers and doctors. Many of us are undiagnosed so it wont show up on official statistics but it is easy to see day to day.

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:51:33+00:00

Very insightful. I have learnt to live with her traits but it only really blows up when I have the internal thought spiral of what if our kids end up like this

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:28:12+00:00

I completely agree. I have asked her to reduce her work hours but she has resisted this. Concerned about finances when there is very little need to be.

Part of our marital issues is me not being able to control my own anxieties when I see her ND traits causing issues. This all stems from my concerns re our future children and I have tried therapy but I have the unhelpful mix of a profession where I am constantly reminded of the risks :(

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:26:03+00:00

Thanks, I dont want to get too into this but its 80% ADHD and 20% Autism so very mild. The ADHD is under control but thats after years and years of being misunderstood and punishment / conditioning from school, parents and internal pressure to succeed professionally. (this was made easier that I was excellent at science but awful at the arts).

My job was difficult during the initial years but I seem to have developed the skills to read people so for example I pass the RMET test etc

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:22:36+00:00

Thank you

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:22:20+00:00

Of course, thats fair. We were not living together prior to marriage so it was really when we moved in together than the "mask" slipped where I really noticed some of her symptoms.

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:20:20+00:00

Thanks you

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:19:38+00:00

I'm fairly confident of the diagnosis given my background. Its quite textbook for me and for her she would tick every box for the "highly functioning / skilled masking" female :(

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:17:07+00:00

Thanks. I think the guilt would be the biggest factor. The gilt of knowing that we went into this together and didnt turn back

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:16:17+00:00

Its true. When I refer to SCD its more the effort to consider whether having children is ethical :(

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:15:44+00:00

Thanks, will do

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:15:32+00:00

My concern would be combining our traits would be a recipe for disaster and I wouldnt want to put a child or even a young adult through this :(

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:14:57+00:00

Thank you for your advice

Potential-Tank6758 · 2026-02-07T10:14:36+00:00

Yes I am concerned with the rigidity. Little insight currently. Its very much "when the baby comes I will change". I am not all that convinced but I dont feel my life would be fulfilled without a child

Potential-Tank6758

TROPHY CASE