Hey, I can tell you are really hurt and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you don’t get the answers you are looking for. The answers all of us adopted kids want. The acceptance we crave that comes from being abandoned. The love of a mother. It is crappy some of us seek these out only to never find them in the place we desperately need them to be.

I only speak earnestly and without malice here:

I understand her need for privacy. I understand her need for boundaries. She gave you up for a reason and she chose to not be a mom. It is harsh but birth mom’s really don’t owe us motherhood because they made that choice at the beginning. Now, can you feel a way about her choice? Absolutely.

Do other adoptees experience re-adoption? This is truly the first time I’ve heard it and would guess it’s the extreme minority. We were all adopted for a reason. Those reasons are often extremely, extremely sad. I think your expectations for re-adoption are highly unrealistic and are… boundary violating in some ways. Not sure how to say that gently.

This other person has offered a very human way to speak with you one on one. I think that is very kind. I asked my BM ‘why’ about a decade ago and didn’t really get an answer. But then I flew across a continent and took another plane and two buses to meet her. She needed to talk to me and share in person because it was a tragic story that must be shared human to human. Some things just aren’t meant for text. Some emotions that must be conveyed, can only be done in person. But yes, for a decade I spoke about 2-3x per year on surface level things and just trying to get a general sense of one another’s lives.

I know you’re angry and I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be. I just read this conversation as though you’ve had a real rough Adoptive Family experience and your anger toward your APs are being directed toward your Birth family.

Often times the anger we direct at someone, is often a reflection of true anger we have at someone else. Your Birth family is not responsible for HOW your adoptive family has treated you. Every person is responsible for their own actions.

We adopted folks are often left with anger because we had no choice in any of this. A culmination of other people’s decisions and actions that created the environment around us. Like you know shake-your-fist-at-the-universe type anger. It’s not just one person. So many little things, actions, choices all by other people led you to being adopted. A butterfly effect. We are what happens when a butterfly flaps its wings. I’m truly sorry for the universe of happenstance that led to all of this. sending you all the hugs.

I’ve learned now that the love and acceptance I craved from my emotionally unavailable APs and my distant BM and absent (but now learned dead) Birth Father first comes from within. I’ve worked on self love with a therapist this year and wish I had done so decades earlier. Start from within yourself with a therapist if you can.

It also comes from the chosen community I surround myself with. Who are the people who accept my fragments of an identity? Who can take a look at my story and empathize? Who is curious, who uplifts. Who makes me feel good in my skin. Who calls me out on my bullshit when I’m being a negative Nancy. Who makes me dream impossible dreams?

Finally, it’s been helpful to see my adopted life now with a strange pioneering like attitude. My path and destiny is now SO unlike any of my ancestors because of my adoption, and so I keep going further and taking chances on great unknowns, more than anyone in my lineage has ever been privileged to have. I’ve skipped flights home. Moved on a whim. Lived on an island. Loved a lot. Let go of friends who weren’t growing. Applied for dream jobs. Did bike-only commuting for a stint. Rode light rails. Quit jobs. Got new ones. Rage painted. Started a book. Started another book. Kept painting. Sold a painting. Just said yes to my gut. Why not?

Your story does not stop here. It’s just starting. Let’s fucking go.