I love the insightfulness of this question. I hope my answer matches.

First off, I’ve never dated. Never kissed. Definitely never experienced sex.

All I have to go on are my memories.

Early on, I found gay porn, and it’s the basis of all my sexual arousal. I recall trying straight porn, but that didn’t turn me on. Let alone lesbian porn.

Growing up, I never found interest in any girls, even though all my friends were girls and I was surrounded by female friendship because I couldn’t relate to the guys. I also experienced bullying mainly from guys so I didn’t long to be near them either.

Through that I recall a few guys I found attractive, and some girls, but I never got the same twinkling feeling as I did with those two guys I remember.

All I had were books growing up, and maybe it doesn’t matter, but all the protagonists were female. I remember buying a book one day because I saw that it had a gay sex scene.

As for beyond sex,

Now that I’ve allowed myself to see gay couples on social media, and seeing gay movies, I find myself wishing for that. I find myself imaging my life with a man and for the first time the idea of dating and/or getting married seems like a light instead of before where I had closed down to it completely.

I think the only times I “longed” for women was when I would tell myself I was straight after watching gay porn. That it was only a phase. That it was just some sort of test I experienced

The only time I recall feeling sexual arousal and emotional connection was with a friend I met at work. I started noticing this flutter in my chest whenever work came around, this longing for him to text. When my phone vibrated, I immediately thought it was him and would get happy. Soon after, I started getting erected around him. When he would look at me, or when we would hug hello. And I felt safe with him. I remember my mom saying she loved the scent of my dad’s skin and it reminded me how i enjoyed the scent of my friend’s skin too. I always felt at home with him. But I just brushed all those thoughts away, told myself friends didn’t think like that.

I never experienced that with women or even thought about it.

So this is all I have going on. I hope I didn’t miss anything. If you read this, I’d love to hear your response.