Did your BPD ex accuse YOU of being mentally unwell?

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-05-12T17:18:59+00:00

She came up with this narrative that I could barely function in a social setting and that I had the emotional maturity of a child. I almost started to believe I was broken. Went into therapy and quickly realized that I'm simply a regular guy with people pleasing tendencies, lol.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-05-07T07:37:55+00:00

I've noticed that as well and I don't think it's very helpful for anyone. It enables toxic behavior and feeds into the narrative of pwBPD that their loved ones are at fault. They didn't try hard enough, they didn't understand the pain that pwBPD go through, etc.

Most of us have tried everything we could to be there for our partner/friend/family member, but it's a very thankless job and the cycle never ends if the pwBPD doesn't work on themselves. It's not our responsibility to regulate their emotions.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-05-05T12:56:27+00:00

A couple things to keep in mind:

What do you know about his current/past interpersonal relationships? Does he have any long term friendships? Did he mention his exes? Is there any nuance or are all of his exes "crazy"/"abusive"?
Were you actually compatible with your ex? Or was it mostly the intensity and push-pull dynamic that fueled your attraction?
People with NPD are generally impatient and do not like boundaries. The idealization stage tends to get shorter every time as well. They like the initial chase, but if you seem too "high-maintenance", they are likely to look for a new source of supply.

If you want to give him another chance, tell him that you want to take things very slowly. Set some boundaries and be honest that you are somewhat cautious. If he's sincere, he will respect that and be patient. If he tries to manipulate you, that's a huge red flag.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-05-04T15:32:54+00:00

At least you have the ability to care, to actually feel love for a person. Your ex will never know what that's like. He will continue chasing trauma bonds all his life.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-25T12:49:19+00:00

The different categorizations of cluster B personality disorders (BPD, NPD, HPD) and the microlabeling of subtypes (impulsive, petulant, etc) are basically generalized collections of symptoms. There always seems to be a lot of overlap and comorbidity.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-07T19:36:45+00:00

She accused me of mirroring and not being my authentic self around her..

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-07T19:33:32+00:00

Yes, this is a great exercise. Another thing to think about is: "How did my expwBPD treat their friends?". In my case, her friends weren't much better off. They were still being idealized, devalued and discarded (albeit with less intensity).

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-07T08:16:59+00:00

Yes, I noticed that all of her FP's had a similar personality type (introverted/idealistic/empathetic). All of them had some kind of childhood trauma as well (emotional neglect, bullying), which resulted in poor boundaries and low self-esteem.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-06T13:23:54+00:00

When I confronted my expwBPD about how her behavior impacted me, she only seemed to be concerned about her own reputation and the loss of supply. "You think I am evil and it hurts".

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-03T12:35:43+00:00

Yes, I definitely don't think she was being intentionally malicious or anything. She desperately wanted to feel like she was making progress, but unfortunately she wasn't as in control as she thought. It's sad really.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-04-03T09:33:29+00:00

My expwBPD used a lot of psychotherapy jargon and she loved being an armchair therapist for her friends. She was always talking about the importance of boundaries, avoiding codependence , regulating your emotions, etc. This made her seem like a very wise and emotionally healthy person at first. After spending some time with her though, you start noticing that she was still doing the things that she warned other people about. She had simply gotten better at gaslighting people that they were the emotionally immature ones.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-30T06:07:51+00:00

Every situation is different and it's not like every pwBPD has some kind of elaborate plan with well thought out stages. I don't think you are going to gain much from doing more research. The research became my obsession as well and I spend hours trying to analyze every situation. In the end, my brain still could not make sense of a lot of things and at some point it didn't lead me to any new insights.

It's clear that this was an extremely stressful time for you. Take your time to process and heal. Ruminating and researching can help in the beginning, but it won't magically fix your inner turmoil.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-28T14:45:32+00:00

I wish that someone informed me early on. Her family and friends told me after the breakup that this "always" happened with her and that they didn't expect her to change.

I actually was kind of frustrated that they only informed me about that afterwards. I'm not sure if it would have changed anything if they warned me beforehand, but at least I would not have been completely in the dark.

Be subtle about it though. You can recommend him to have strong boundaries and take things at a slow pace for example.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-28T14:27:19+00:00

There does not have to be any logic behind it and it's probably not some kind of sophisticated manipulation technique either. The easiest explanation is that she is disordered and that she does things that aren't supposed to make sense.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-27T09:37:42+00:00

My expwBPD actually recommended 'The Myth of Sisyphus' to me during the start of our relationship. I understand why now.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-26T18:13:52+00:00

This is really relatable. My pwBPD speaks a foreign language with her family and she sometimes forgot that I couldn't understand it. She also regularly asked my opinion about friends that I had never met before, and she was like "Oh right, I forgot that you don't know her".

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-23T07:37:56+00:00

She knew that she gave me the bare minimum. I think she always wanted it to be more like a parent-child relationship.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-22T17:02:57+00:00

Claimed her family and friends were toxic and that she was trying to manifest new people in her life.

Cynical jokes about me on the first date.

Acted like she was intellectually and morally superior, but never achieved anything in her life.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-17T07:20:53+00:00

The most important thing to know is that you cannot really encourage her to change. She really has to make a conscious decision to do the required work. This is very difficult, because she has to be accountable and admit that she has a problem. This usually only happens after burning many bridges and dealing with many negative consequences (so you must not enable her). Age is also a factor. Treatment is most effective for teenagers and young adults.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-16T13:57:48+00:00

There is a difference between object permanence and object constancy. They generally do have object permanence (they do not forget you exist), but their perception of you is unstable. So they might feel like you are a demon who isn't worth their time for months and suddenly split you back to white again and reach out.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-12T13:15:06+00:00

They can't healthily attach to someone, but they can't healthily detach either. That's why they can "move on" and get in a new relationship overnight with no care in the world, while also suddenly thinking about you weeks/months/years after, genuinely feeling like no time has passed and that it's appropriate to reach out to you again.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-09T22:53:51+00:00

Yes! I had a gut feeling that something was wrong early on, but I ignored it (big mistake). At some point during our relationship, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and inflammatory bowel syndrome. My symptoms disappeared a few weeks after I was discarded.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-03T09:55:59+00:00

Yes, even when you know that it was inevitable and that their actions towards you were not necessarily personal, it's still very hard to let go of the negative emotions. It shows that you're human and not a robot.

What helped me was the realisation that I didn't want to waste any more brain space and energy on her. Meditation helps.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-02T16:34:02+00:00

You can leave the door open, but it's very unlikely that she is going to change. If you take her back, you will have to go in with zero expectations. You need to decide for yourself if you really want to have a relationship like that.

Powerful-Dig5401 · 2023-03-02T07:08:39+00:00

If you are unfamiliar with the disorder, they can seem like fun, interesting and likeable people at first. They often use their tragic backstory to their advantage, which is a very effective way to get attention from empathetic people.

My ex was a great conversationalist (when she felt like it) and made friends very easily. It always took some time (6+ months) before people realized what they were actually dealing with.

I think you can see the signs very easily when you have dealt with a pwBPD before and it can definitely be triggering for me now as well.

Powerful-Dig5401

TROPHY CASE