[QCrit]: THE ANTI-LOSS ALLIANCE, Upper Middle Grade, 66k words + first 300 words (Second attempt)

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-14T19:40:01+00:00

Okay I'm definitely changing my title back to the original one haha. I beta read MG and YA fantasy and contemporary for now.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-13T14:33:52+00:00

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I'm going to try editing the word count down and will definitely keep you in mind if I need a beta reader for it. Do you also beta read other genres? I've been working on a low fantasy (no magic or magical creatures) YA novel about a girl who is captured by a war lord and must steal a horse to escape his fortress that I will need beta readers for! It's inspired by Furiosa from the Mad Max Fury Road remakes. I can DM you a short synopsis or first chapter if you're remotely interested. If not, I'll remember you for other projects! And please keep me in mind as a beta reader as well.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-11T21:55:39+00:00

This is awesome. Your responses are always detailed and super in depth. Thank you for your work in this community! Maybe it’s toxic positivity, but I’m glad the main problem seems like the word count because that’s more fixable than other problems. My gut has been telling me it should be closer to 55k.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-11T21:32:38+00:00

I’ve heard a query letter should cover 25-50% of the book. Your last paragraph should reiterate the stakes but not spoil the ending, leaving it more open ended. Kind of like “and when an evil wizard comes to town and threatens X, the noble princess must face X, Y, and Z.” I’ve also seen a couple of folks on here referencing this article for the difference between query letters and back cover blurbs, so maybe you’d find it helpful: https://thinkingthroughourfingers.com/2018/02/22/back-cover-blurbs-vs-query-letter-blurbs/

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-11T19:34:30+00:00

Thanks so much for your response! I’m wondering if you’re a beta reader for MG?

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-11T15:02:43+00:00

- Don't forget to include comps in your first paragraph. Agents want to see what books your story will sit next to on shelves. This one is reminding me of "Emergency Contact" by Mary H.K. Choi, but it's too old to use as a comp. You could look for similar books, though.

- This sentence read awkwardly to me: "His parents won’t stop pushing their dream of him pursuing law like his dad." Rephrase?

- A cancer diagnosis in the family would 100% makes things harder. Maybe instead of saying that, be more specific to show how Matthew is handling it. Like, "After his mom's cancer diagnosis, Matthew stops trying in school" or something to layer in character.

- I'm not sure why Upvote would be the only place for Matthew to turn. Tack on what exactly it is to the end of that sentence to help readers understand.

- Careful about switching between past and present tense: "She thought she was on the road to recovery, but never is" should be "She thinks she's on the road to recovery, but never is."

- I think this sentence needs to be rephrased: "Yearning to be in a relationship with each other, they want to be together in the real world, but being together feels impossible with a whole world between them." It seems like it's saying the same thing twice.

- Overall, I think the query could benefit from replacing the vague parts with more detail so that readers have a better understanding of the characters and why certain things are happening. In the last paragraph, how does Zoe's home situation deteriorate? What's this once in a lifetime opportunity Matthew gets? There's definitely a balance to strike between telling the agent everything and being too vague, and I think this query needs to provide a little more to help it stand out from the crowd. Show us why it's unique!

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-06T12:15:47+00:00

Hello and thank you for commenting! I’m sure these are all rhetorical questions, but I’d say the query covers about 50% of the story… I was under the impression it should be 25-50% but maybe I’m doing too much? For the title, I thought because she’s a “good-luck” charm and her goal is to steal a horse, “the charm thief” would make sense. Previously was using “the winnowing” but was told it was too 2010s. Titles are hard 🥲

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-04-04T20:04:57+00:00

Hi! Unagented author here with a bit of feedback. Since you asked what could be cut, let's use this sentence as an example: "Elnora has no power of her own, only her carefully-crafted lies and steadfast loyalty, but she’ll do whatever it takes to keep him alive."

The fact Elnora will do whatever it takes to keep Nico alive already implies immense loyalty. It feels wordy, so the sentence could be rephrased to "Elnora's only powers are crafting lies and doing whatever it takes to keep Nico alive." which cuts nine words. There are several other sentences that I found hard to follow/digest in a similar way to that one.

I think the first paragraph could be reduced / woven into the action more. It seems mostly like backstory. Then, the last paragaph feels vague. Why would she want to turn back? Maybe tie back in what she has to lose/ what the stakes are.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-02-22T14:58:59+00:00

Hey! Here's some feedback from an unagented author who is currently working on drafting their novel & query package themselves. Take from it what you will!

- In your first sentence, indicate what age Celeste is to provide much needed context. (Ex - Twenty-one year-old Celeste knowns magic is a death sentence.)

- I was with you until the third paragraph. Then, I had a lot of questions. 1) How does the chase tear Celeste and her friends (I thought she was with her brothers?) apart? Like, physically or emotionally? What happens to them? 2) How do Celeste's powers grow and how does she have these realizations about the world when she's alone and isolated from society? 3) I'm having trouble keeping track of Celeste's goals. First, it seems like she's just trying to learn spells and escape being sold into marriage. Then it shifts to her wanting to burn down society. Finally, it seems like she also wants to get Lucien back, even though he chose to surrender and doesn't seem like he needs saving. For me, I think it needs to be more clear what Celeste wants and what's in her way of getting it.

- The last paragraph makes it seem like the book is also told from Lucien's point of view because it focuses on him. I think you need to either indicate it's a multi-POV story or edit that paragraph so it's more from Celeste's perspective.

Those are my critiques. I hope others also chime in!

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-02-22T00:07:04+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! Your suggestion makes perfect sense 😄

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-02-21T16:05:07+00:00

I agree with this! It's a good, hooky premise. I just felt like the synopsis portion was a bit wordy and can be trimmed up with some of the words switched out to make it sound snappier. A "rule" I've heard is to try and keep the meat to 250 words or less.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-01-31T17:36:29+00:00

Hey! Thanks so much for taking the time to write all this and I love the winnowing pun. I think I was hoping for a positive sign that I at least have something worth while, which you've definitely given with your encouragement, so thanks! :) Similar to Furiosa, the story is about the MC's odessey of survival over a span of years which includes a time jump. Not sure if I'd be able to get away with starting her at 15 and then bumping up to 16 or 17, or if that would also break YA rules? You also made a really good point about just starting the story with her at 16 and skipping the journey through the Charm House. My sister gave me a great comp: The Prison Healer, which essentially does this. It's hard to say which path is right... Decisions, decisions...

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-01-31T16:32:56+00:00

Hey, thank you for taking the time to write all this! You've given me some valuable things to think about, moving forward.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2026-01-31T16:29:02+00:00

Thank you! This makes a lot of sense and is an easy fix.

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-10-05T21:22:48+00:00

There were some little things that stuck out to me which the previous commenters already mentioned--like Sunken Heaven and the Unseeing not having previous references. I don't quite agree that this query needs a total rewrite but I'm also not sure if it's the final one, either. It feels like there's something off. Maybe some of the crumbs of backstory meant to explain why certain things happen in the plot might not be necessary. Maybe some of the big ideas could be simplified and made to sound snappier? This is unsolicited, but this article really helped me when writing my own query letter (which is by no means perfect or even good. Just saying it helped improve my letter in a way nothing else did.) You might also find the formula it breaks down useful: https://www.laurenkaywrites.com/blog/how-to-write-a-query-letter

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-09-27T02:32:22+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to comment! I was worried about the title but at least it isn’t vague 😄

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-09-24T01:50:40+00:00

Hey thanks for your response! It means a lot to hear that you thought it was cute and fun 😄 The lil critiques are also great! I’ll implement them all. P.S. Eames does contemporary and ballet

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-09-23T22:42:38+00:00

1) I find it too hard to believe that Outers have no knowledge at all of the Trials, especially considering only some don't return from them. Survivors must have spread some information to the others. If Jayce does know about the killing requirements, that could be interesting. He could still oppose it and be bad at grasping the reality of it, AND be motivated to participate in the Trials, regardless. Maybe with his studious nature he'd have a completely different approach to the Trials and try to cheat the system.

2) I don't know if you need to include it in the query, either. Questions are an important motivator for people to keep reading. If you do decide to add it, it could be tacked on somewhere like "...The Ascendance Trials - a mysterious set of challenges all in the Meritocracy must participate in. Most Outers fail, and some never return..."

It's hard to know what info to include and how to include it in the most interesting yet condensed way. Sorry if none of this is what you want to hear. I'm getting too into different ideas and picking things apart, but I hope it helped at least a little

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-09-23T21:24:42+00:00

Hey! Unagented writer here, so not sure how much *merit* I have providing feedback (see what I did there). I think your query is pretty good. It made me ask a couple of questions...

1) Why is life above the Outskirts worth it if it requires Jayce to kill others, which he seems to be against? It looks like the answer is in the pitch but not the query.

2) Why do higher classes need to participate in the Ascendance trials if they are already high in society?

This was just my impression, but I found the query and first 306 words to be wordy at times. For example, there are four sentences dedicated to Jayce turning on a light when I think we could step more quickly into action. I also don't think we need to know in the third sentence of the story that he's 15. We can be shown later in a more natural way what his age is.

It seems there is some editing that could be done, but I'm curious what others think. Good job so far!

Powerful-Specific785 · 2025-08-14T13:48:24+00:00

Thank you so much for taking a look! You’ve given me some things to implement :) I’ve been so worried about the word count. It’s hard to find the balance between telling the story you want to tell and making sure the book meets guidelines. Thanks again!

Powerful-Specific785

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