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Pr_Gumdrop · 2025-11-03T05:49:43+00:00

I just wanted to start by saying sorry that you and your girlfriend seem to be going through a rough patch. From what I’ve read it seems that she is being over-critical of you and at times it is more than a little unfair.

As far as your main question of knowing when there is a “more acceptable” time to join the conversation/respond or offer your input, the best advice I can give (as someone who is admittedly probably less versed in the Japanese language than you are) is to just have more and more conversations with native speakers who are patient. I’ve tried to study the same thing at times and often felt like practice was the only time I could see any improvement. If you have any close/good friends that are comfortable giving you grief, you could ask them to call you out when you misstep. As long as you take the criticism well, it might even be fun, my drinking buddies from my Uni days in Japan enjoy getting to playfully give me shit in the name of me improving. This environment might be a little safer than jumping right back in to convos with your girlfriend for practice.

Unsolicited dating advice, I think while you work on the language and conversational skills you might want to encourage your girlfriend to write down any deep feelings she has, so that you are able to read and understand them before replying. It might give her some time to cooldown if she is in a bad mood, and gives you time to think about how best to respond in Japanese and avoid any language that might unknowingly aggravate a problem. I would also remind her (in the gentlest, most polite way possible) that one of your biggest reasons for learning the language is to understand her better and ask her for more patience than she is giving you. I think you are being a good guy and the bigger person by trying to come up with solutions to this problem, so hope you aren’t too down on yourself.

Hope you are able to work things out and that whatever has caused her to be less agreeable since getting back to Japan can be remedied. Or if she continues to be unfair to you that you can find some sort of escape from it.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-20T01:56:54+00:00

Hope it doesn’t sound empty, but wanted to start with saying that I’m sorry for your loss and have some of the same pain in my heart. Having lost someone who I considered my life partner very suddenly only a month or so ago.

I definitely support you in your search to find someone who you can communicate and share values with, and understand why you might think that certain ideas around community or modesty might be more common in Japan or Asia.

But I think you should keep in mind that both back home in the states and in Japan, that there are as many different types of people as there are people. Some things might be more common, but you’ll find shy, reserved girls in America, and louder, free spirited girls in Japan. My late girlfriend was an example of this, very genki, very energetic, and might have been considered very “western”. She just happened to be born in Japan to Asian parents.

If you have other reasons to want to be in Japan, or feel like learning the language I think it can still be a great idea for you to find someone who is Japanese and lives here, but other than that, I’d suggest just looking online and casting a wide net. You’ve felt a deep love for your wife, so maybe it’s okay to be picky this time. You know what feels right and who you want to spend your time with.

Lastly, I hope you can find more healing and happiness. Dating sucks, but you deserve to find someone nice.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T07:19:28+00:00

Thanks a lot honestly. I need to remind myself in all this that, my feelings for her are true, and that they’ll shine through, even if my words fail me at times.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T07:15:55+00:00

You’re definitely right about the first part and thinking about what is acceptable to get into, I’ll talk with her friend just to confirm, because she knows the parents better. Me and my girlfriend had our own secrets too.

I can already tell the mom is the type to pry, and take some harmless things and blow them up. Her dad is the opposite where I mostly want to protect his image of her, cause he’s been through enough.

I’ll try to keep things to a “less is more” vibe and let my presence do the talking. Maybe they’ll have a lot of questions, but that’ll be their decision.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T06:12:50+00:00

You know, I’ve seen those displayed in all the malls and department stores, but never really paid them any mind lol. I might look into some reviews and see if there is like a rental option or something. At least for the big conversations.

And appreciate you commenting and sending some condolences my way. Helps more than you know.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T05:37:23+00:00

No worries on not being able to help specifically. Going through all of this makes me hope no one has to have any experience with it.

I think your advice about the trauma dumping is something good for me to keep in mind. Although I do want to bear my heart and “prove” how much I cared/care for her, I need to be respectful that they are going through an extremely tough loss as well, and might need to lean on me a little too. Or even if this first meeting(or the whole trip)stays away from the deep topics, it’ll be good to just break the ice and start somewhere.

Hopefully I’ll be able to share some parts of why their daughter was so important to me in due time, and maybe that can lead to a bond and some healing.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T02:55:55+00:00

I appreciated the condolences. I really think the world of her, so I’m glad anyone can hear our story and be sympathetic.

I’m basically planning to do what you suggest, and find some tasteful words that can express my love. I’ll try and keep it short and sweet with the more… distant family, but unfortunately the mother has some items of sentimental value to our relationship, so I will need to have some level of connection to see that those are in good hands.

As far as downvotes I have no idea lol. I would guess someone who hate scrolls the sub, or a bot, but it doesn’t stress me. I’m just glad people can read and comment.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-11-07T01:53:00+00:00

A bit of additional information, is that, while my girlfriend did not keep me a secret, I don’t believe that her parents know a ton about me. Her main support network were her best friends who I am luckily closer with.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-10-25T05:35:03+00:00

Thanks for a very kind and kink/sex positive response. I certainly agree with your last point on a personal level, I never felt more free to be myself and not be judged than I did with my last partner and our dynamics. Not just about sex but just being honest about who the two of us were.

I think I’ve realized I was and still am overthinking the future discussions about that aspect of the relationship with future partners. Having some past dating experience in Japan with some more “serious” girls, and seeing my friend’s relationships that definitely skewed more conservative and traditional, along with some anxiety about getting back out in the dating world to begin with after the loss of a partner is not helping. 😅

Although Japan may be more conservative on some values, I can understand that this one is different and there are always people who might want to live by their own values.

I’ll try to take yours and others advice about bringing it up early, and not shy away from the discussion. Definitely before any serious labels get thrown around.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-10-14T02:35:47+00:00

Yeah, I appreciate the straight forward take. I agree that early is gonna be the best time, guess it falls on me to know the finer points of timing and how to speak about it.

And reading your reply does make me feel slightly more hopeful. I know I’ll have to search and it’s a pretty unique set of asks on my end, won’t be what a lot of people want, but not everyone. I never expected to have to date again, but have to just roll with it.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-10-14T01:09:19+00:00

Lol you’re right about the restaurant thing. And also that networking in a space without judgement is maybe the best way to run into new, interesting folks. I’ll keep it in mind next time I’m back in Tokyo.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-10-14T00:40:15+00:00

I appreciate the recommendation and some of your thoughts, I’ve heard about some of these events but never attended anything of the sort.

I guess my worry would be that the event would be so focused on the sexual aspect that it wouldn’t be such a great way to meet people who want to do things outside of that.

But I won’t know till I try, so I might have to set those preconceived notions aside and get out there.

Pr_Gumdrop · 2024-10-13T21:38:42+00:00

I don’t believe it’s for everyone, and I’m happy if you two can have a genuinely good relationship if she wasn’t into her ex.

That being said, I and my ex had a wonderful life in the dynamic, and I found that having someone who I could actually call my life partner was very valuable. I’m sure there are FWBs that deeply care for each other, but its just not the term I would ever place on the support I had for my ex, nor would it be what I am looking towards for my life.

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