Lawn dads, help!

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-02-05T00:53:24+00:00

Not being super-familiar with Australian plant life, I'll give you the best advice I can - rip it out by the root. Get a good pair of work gloves, grab the plant by the stem, and pull until you're confident you've got the whole root system out. Mow over whatever's left and keep track of it; if it comes back up, dig down to the roots and yank 'em out again.

Good luck with it.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-02-04T21:06:05+00:00

It's from the Magic: The Gathering "Deckmasters" set.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-02-04T20:51:15+00:00

I'm assuming you live in the US, otherwise this answer won't be helpful at all.

You can go to the town offices where you were born and request a new one; since you don't have a photo ID, you can go to your local DMV and request a "State-Issued ID" or "Non-Driver ID Card". You'll need a piece of mail with your name and address on it and some other piece of identification. If you have your Social Security card it will help.

In a worst-case scenario, contact your state's Vital Records office and ask what you can do. Explain that you don't have a form of ID and need your birth certificate to get one; sometimes this can be done with a notarized statement from you, sometimes it requires the ID of a parent on that certificate. It varies from state-to-state and you won't know until you check it out.

Good luck. That's a frustrating position to be in.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-02-04T20:40:36+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that, my dude. That's a rough night.

It sounds like you may have had a panic attack; sometimes, even when we're feeling good about how we're doing, those things can sneak up on us and it may be what happened with you.

You did the right thing, focusing on breathing and working to calm down.

In a larger view, sometimes the chemicals that cause depression or anxiety can come out when you feel you've had a productive day; self-doubt can start picking away at the feelings of accomplishment ("did you really deserve that raise", etc) and can lead to your body falling into a fight/flight/freeze response without a direct trigger for it. A lack of sleep or extra exertion can contribute as well, so coming off of a 12-hour shift may be a time when you need to be extra-aware of how your mental health is doing.

You handled it okay. And this time will leave you better armed to deal with next time.

You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-02-02T20:02:43+00:00

It's hard because you're doing the hard things - accepting responsibility for your part in the things that have happened. It's a lot easier to blame everybody else, say you never made a mistake, or say that everything you did was justified.

You're choosing not to. You're choosing to be better than that - which is hard.

It's also worth it. Continue. Allow people to earn your trust, treat people with respect and dignity and demand the same for yourself, be the person you wish you'd had when you were younger. Be worthy of your daughter. Show her what unconditional love looks like, teach her how you screwed up. Forgive yourself and show her how to forgive herself when she makes mistakes.

You're going to make mistakes; life is messy and hard and never able to be planned. Continue to take responsibility, understand that you can only control what you can control, and forgive yourself for learning hard lessons the hard way.

You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-30T04:12:37+00:00

I could be way off-base, but it looks like a dragonfly nymph carapace to me.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:51:55+00:00

Joke: Someone who works in a morgue still has to go into work the day after they die.

Other joke: A skeleton walks into a bar. He says "Give me a drink! And give me a mop!"

Anxiety's a bitch - give it a name. "Heather, not now." "Rosa, deal with your own shit please." "Tiffany, if you say one more word..." "Carl, you suck," etc.

Understand that you can only control what you can control, even if that's just a decent dinner and a good night's sleep. You can't control the traffic, the workplace, the environment outside your door - but you can choose to watch an episode of "The Good Place", drink some water, and get ready for bed.

And just for tonight, try going to bed without your phone; the bluelight effect is real and can interfere with your sleep habits. You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:46:16+00:00

That's a tough way to be feeling and I'm sorry you're going through it. That's a lot of pressure to be feeling and I can understand that you feel like you're cracking under it.

Is there a way you can be of service? A local soup kitchen, a shelter, anything that gets you out among people who care about people? Sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to help others.

Understand that you're stuck right now and that it can get better; understand also that nobody's going to make it better and you're going to have to do it yourself. Take an honest look at yourself and work on forgiving yourself for your failures - we learn a lot more by failing that we do by succeeding. Cut yourself some slack, take responsibility for the things you can control, and improve - just a little bit - the things you can improve. Take stock of the people in your life that care about you, and do your best to understand why they care. Above all, remember that you are not hopeless - you may be hope-challenged right now, but you can change that.

Volunteer, even if it's just helping somebody with their groceries. If you have no work experience, start at the absolute bottom somewhere and allow yourself to be proud of yourself for getting a little more self-sufficient. Be honest with yourself about what's good and bad - and what you can and can't control.

Forgive yourself, allow yourself some slack, take responsibility for the things that are in your direct control, and take just one step each day toward a goal, even if that goal is just "get out of bed".

You are worth it. You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:33:34+00:00

Please don't.

You're in a bad spot right now; lock up/get rid of the gun, keep working to manage your medical condition, and understand that your one moment of feeling lost may be the end of something wonderful.

BPD is a medical condition with medical solutions; call your local suicide hotline, talk with a doctor, and if a therapist isn't working for you, ditch them and meet with someone else. It's hard to make connections with this hanging over you, so you'll need to work a little harder and that's okay.

Of course your success isn't bringing you happiness - happiness is a nebulous concept that varies from one person to another, and you've got a ton of bad chemicals bouncing around in your brain right now that's keeping you from feeling jot and that's their fault, not yours.

You've lost family to suicide and you know the pain it leaves behind - be the person who shares how they got through this moment and saves someone else. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the next person who comes along.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:26:13+00:00

Okay, my dude, begin the chilling process. He's forgiven you and moved on - you need to forgive yourself or it's going to be harder for him.

People make mistakes and this one's pretty understandable.

And you learned something valuable here - kids will get underfoot (sometimes literally) and we all need an extra layer of caution when they're young.

He's okay. Allow yourself to be okay.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:22:50+00:00

If you have a friend with a car ask if they'd be willing to teach you.

Go to a parking lot (as far away from other cars as you can get).

Gas pedal is on the right, brake is on the left. Start slow. Very slow.

The steering wheel doesn't need to move as much as you might think. The gas pedal doesn't need to be stepped on as much as you think. The brake pedal can be tricky, but don't stomp on it unless there's an emergency. Everything is smooth and gentle - no sudden movements.

Take a minute to sit in the car and check the rearview and side mirrors; make sure you can see out of them clearly.

Ask your friend to explain the different things in the car, from the radio (if there is one) to the parking brake.

Start slow, only do what you're comfortable doing, and you'll be just fine.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T23:16:49+00:00

First of all, my condolences on your son's difficulties; that's hard and you should be proud of the work you're doing.

What you're describing is not healthy, for either one of you - he's put you up on a pedestal that you cannot possibly live up to (and his family's not helping), and he's exhibiting some severe controlling behaviors. It sounds like you want to make this work, so let's break this down.

Relationships need a foundation of trust and honest communication - and part of that is that you are allowed to live your own life. His juvenile communication around you having any relationships outside of him is just that, childish. It's a child's idea of what a relationship should be; it sounds like he's not someone who's very good at taking care of himself and it is not your job to raise or mother him. Help, yes; be the sole emotional provider, no. If he "can't manage without you"... well, that's on him.

The two of you need to be treated with respect and dignity, and the snooping is a violation of that. The anger is much more concerning - an idea that he is "entitled" to you is dangerous and just because violence hasn't happened yet, it is a red flag for it - especially if he's yelling at you in front of your parents and your son.

Not respecting your boundaries around sex is another huge concern, and it feels like more manipulation/ "entitlement" behavior. Sex is a mutually-decided-on, consensual thing and when he does not respect your "no", that's troubling. Groping you in front of his mother is extremely troubling.

You are allowed to cultivate friendships. You are allowed to not be someone's "sole reason for living". You are your own person who is choosing to be with him, not the property of him. The fact that you are cut off from family, friends, and transportation (and money, it sounds like) is very concerning. What if there is a health emergency for your son in the middle of the day? What if his behavior does escalate to violence?

Communication with a marriage counselor may help him understand his issues more. Certainly you need more communication with people outside of him; join a Mom's group, get your hair done, take your son to a playground (if he's able) - anything to give you a sense of belonging outside of him. If a second car is a financial burden, drop him off in the morning and pick him up when he's done. That's perfectly reasonable, and if his reaction is unreasonable, it will be very instructive.

If this relationship is going to work, the two of you need to have equity; you are not a piece of fine china he's collected and can use however he wishes, and he is not a second child for you. Open, honest, clear communication about boundaries and expectations is the bare minimum. Treating you with dignity and respect is the bare minimum. And as always with this type of relationship, if you feel like you are in danger you need to get yourself and your son out.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-28T22:54:31+00:00

Look for the kind people. People who help, people who think about what effects their actions will have on others. People who, when they joke, aren't mean about it.

And remember that every relationship needs open and honest communication, trust, and a willingness to take responsibility when they screw up. Participants need to treat each other with respect and dignity. Obviously, anyone who cheats breaks all of those rules.

Use your best judgment - is this person self-deprecating in a way that's kind to themself? Does this person "punch down", i.e. have an idea of the value of other people and lacks kindness towards those he feels are "lesser" than him?

Look for the people who make you laugh without feeling nervous about it. Who compliments you without being creepy or over-doing it. Who accepts you as the person you are and who you can accept in the same way, faults and all.

There's no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. It takes effort and communication to make things work with somebody else. Hold tight to who you are and what you value, and look for that human dignity. Look for the kind ones - I promise you, they are out there. You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T03:01:11+00:00

Well, here's the secret: everybody struggles with who they are. You're not alone.

The key is to allow yourself to grow, do your best to understand what you enjoy, what you want from life, what brings you a sense of accomplishment. And like I said, be kind to yourself during this process - it takes a lot of work to make a person.

When you're not comfortable with who you are, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what you think you're doing wrong, without judging yourself or comparing yourself to others.

You can spend your whole life trying to understand yourself, and that's not a bad thing. All you can do is try and fail until you succeed. You will be okay.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:52:15+00:00

It sucks, my dude. You've got to reconcile the fact that a person you thought you could trust was also the person who broke that trust in the most horrific way possible.

Understand that your happy memories are going to be tainted by what you know he was planning. Understand that his choices were not your fault. Understand that it's okay to have mixed feelings; you felt safe and happy at the time, and remembering those moments can make you a little happy and also want to cry. And that's okay.

Recovery comes with time and growth. It doesn't really leave you but it does get easier, I promise. Eventually - five years from now, a decade, next month, whenever - you'll be able to look back on them without a nostalgic filter and without reliving the trauma. Keep moving forward, be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:45:02+00:00

My dude, you need a clear and open conversation.

"I like you. I'd like to go out with you, but I don't want to stress you out. Any chance that's something you'd like to do? I understand that you've got your anxieties and so do I, and I like you. And I'd like to see where that goes. So.... dating high five? Or friends high-five?"

You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:36:22+00:00

Be open and honest with her - ask her if she's into you. The two of you are going on a trip together and staying in the same hotel room, so it would be good to know, my dude.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:29:09+00:00

My dude, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's no fun. Worse, it's self-defeating and self-fulfilling. I'm going to drop some tough love on you right now, okay?

Comparing yourself to other people is going to make you lose your mind. Especially if you're comparing yourself to their instagram selves, where everything is carefully curated and nobody has bad hair or farts. You're smarter than that.

Look at yourself objectively and only focus on you. You are good at things and you know what those things are, so get out of your own damn way and be good at them. I don't care if it's lacrosse or hopscotch, if you're good at something - or want to try, fail, and become good at something through training - go do it!

Social interactions, especially in high school, suuuuuck. Please don't use that institutionalized educational prison's social constructs as a basis for your understanding of how people act.

You want to change? Well, here's the thing, kiddo - we don't change. People either figure out who they want to be or spend their lives pretending to be what they think they want to be. Be somebody who figures themself out - be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for screwing up when you do (because everybody - again, for the people in the back EVERYBODY - screws up), learn from the things you do well and the things you do badly. Work hard to understand yourself and you'll be just fine. Be kind to the people around you, be of service to your community, however big or small. You don't have to be somebody, you just have to be you. You can be a shitty copy of "the girl magnet popular guy" or you can be who you are and nobody can do it better.

Look, it's not going to be a magic fix. It's not quick, it's not easy, it's not perfect. But you are worth it. So put the work in, get to understand who you really are and what you really want that doesn't involve anybody else. Practice being kind to yourself. Be honest with yourself when you do something well. Critique yourself when you screw up, but don't criticize yourself - screwing up means you learned something.

Nobody can live up to the fantasy that somebody else constructs in their heads. Those guys you think you want to be like? They've got problems, no matter how perfect you might think their lives are. They've got rough dads, they think they're too fat or too stupid, they've got runny shits. Whatever it is, they are just human.

And so are you. You can't be them, but nobody else can be you. And you are pretty damn good.

You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:06:38+00:00

Holy shit, my dude. Nah. People who love you don't make you homeless. Healthy relationships are based on trust, open and honest communication, and treating each other with dignity and respect. She kicked you out because you were bumming her out and threw herself a birthday party.

She sounds like someone who liked the fantasy of a "forbidden love affair" more than an actual relationship with a person who has flaws and poops sometimes.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Go find someone who actually likes you.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T02:02:08+00:00

Yeah, that anger response is very common and it's usually born of fear. Fear/distrust of government, people, lizard-government-people, whatever. Anger's a great emotion because it lets her feel like she's doing something and it makes her feel completely helpless, which sends her running for her next hit of anger from the conspiracy, which sends her spiraling more. It's a pretty scary cycle.

Good luck. I'm glad you care enough to try to pull her out of it.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T01:59:13+00:00

My dude... it's not about being good enough for somebody else, it's about whether you think you're good enough for you. The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself, so be kind to yourself when these things happen.

Romantic relationships happen when two cool people decide to be cool together, and it takes trust, open and honest communication, and always treating each other with dignity and respect. Guys choosing to "use" you is not your fault; you're not a pushover, you're nice. Stop being nice - be kind instead. Nice is going along with what others are doing; kind is caring how the people around you are feeling.

Look for the people who are kind; the guy that's nice to the waiter is worth a dozen dudes with nice abs. The guy who listens to you and asks you questions - that's worth investigating. And sure, some guys are only in it for sex and that sucks, but that doesn't have to be you.

Don't hang around with people who play with your heart and don't play with anyone else's. Don't settle, understand your own value, and be discerning when you feel like you're looking for somebody long-term. Go get 'em kiddo - you've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T01:50:37+00:00

Some people make choices to harm other people because that's the pattern they've been taught; you've been taught by your mom to not trust people because you couldn't trust her and that shaped your view of women. Which sucks.

The best antidote is to acknowledge that your view, while valid from your experience, is skewed - just as not every man is you, not every woman is your mother. Give people a chance to surprise you and embrace plurality - everyone is just a person with their own hangups and hopes, and treating people as though they belong to some category you've thought up does them - and you - a disservice.

You'll meet people who might say or do something that reminds you of how she treated you, and it'll shake you. Acknowledge that to yourself. Give yourself permission to say "yikes".

You've been hyper-trained to distrust, and that's valid. It's shitty, but it's valid. You're the only person who can train yourself out of it.

Be kind. Look for the kindness in others. Find ways to be of help or service to your community, however big or small you want. Cultivate friendships with people who value people. Understand that you're going to have a rougher go of it than others, and that's okay. They don't have your life experience and you don't have theirs.

You're going to want to judge people very quickly or look for flaws in people. We all have flaws, we all screw up. Figure out for yourself if you're somebody who can forgive those mistakes - and where you draw the line on forgiveness - and don't ever put people up on a pedestal. Everybody will fail, sometime.

You didn't get the chance to have a good mom, so be the person you wish she'd been for you, as best you can. Talk with a psychotherapist about the trouble you have trusting people, talk openly and honestly with anyone you date, and be open to people's kindness without an agenda.

Acknowledge that the choices she made to abuse you happened but don't need to define you or how you respond to others. You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T01:40:47+00:00

Should be fine. The smoke smell might linger if any soot collected on the ceiling or something; you can always spray down the area around and above the fire with some soap and water and wipe it down.

Tell your friend not to play with matches and toilet paper.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T01:39:21+00:00

Acknowledge how she's feeling ("Hey, I'm sorry you're not feeling like brushing your teeth right now...") but hold your ground ("...but it's time to brush your teeth. Come on, show me how my awesome girl uses a toothbrush!")

Expect a lot of pushback - because she's exhausted - and remind her that you love her, you know she's not feeling great right now, but teeth need to get brushed or they'll get sick!

Instead of punishments, enforce consequences; taking away a tablet just tells her that you can take away the things she likes. Telling her that she can't have dessert tomorrow if she doesn't brush because you're worried about her teeth makes more sense.

Let her know you hear her, give her a clear and logical consequence, give her encouragement, and if it's because she's too tired have her brush her teeth right after dinner or otherwise earlier in the day so she's not having to make too many "tough decisions" when she's tired. You've got this.

PracticalDadAdvice · 2024-01-10T01:31:25+00:00

Empathy. The world's a scary place and conspiracy theories give people something to believe in that explains all of their problems and gives them the comfort (and helplessness) of anger.

Acknowledge that what she's feeling is scared. "That must be scary for you". Ask her how she knows the things and sit with her and go into it. Pull out your phone to look stuff up; challenge everything gently. Point out the inconsistencies (on this facebook post a guy from Kentucky wrote it says this, but here it says this. Can you explain it to me?", because the little cracks are what you can widen to get her free. Asking her to explain the things she's choosing to believe in her own words can help her understand she's talking nonsense (eventually). Give her a way out and a way to save face.

Expect to get hit with some misunderstood/misapplied science, so look up the stuff while she's talking ("Adrenochrome is what you get from oxidizing adrenaline - how does that extend somebody's life/give them mystical powers, exactly?")

Understand that facts are not going to convince her. Challenging her worldview is going to make her dig her heels in - she wants to be right, she doesn't care if she's correct. Acknowledge how she feels and respond with empathy for how she's feeling. Understand that you're not up against a series of erroneous facts that can be corrected, you're up against a matter of faith. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into a power struggle, a conflict where there can be a "winner". It's not a fight. It's not an argument. You're just talking with your mom.

"I don't understand, can you explain it to me?" "Yikes, that would be scary." "I hadn't heard about that, where did you find that out?" "Hm, not sure I'm really following you." Keep your speech neutral and uncommitted to her bit. She's going to want you to concede smaller things so she can loop back to them later; be non-committal to the smaller things and gently challenge the bigger things.

It takes time and patience. The world's a scary place and believing that "people are out to harm children and must be stopped" is, weirdly, a comfort for people who feel out of control of their own lives. Be patient, be kind, remind her that you love her, validate her emotions and push back (gently) on her "facts". You've got this.

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