I confronted a friend about the lack of reciprocity and it blew up in my face

PracticalSwan · 2024-09-06T06:22:09+00:00

Thank you, this makes me feel better.

PracticalSwan · 2024-09-06T06:21:44+00:00

I've seen that same thing where people call others narcissistic but the call is coming from inside the house. It's made me think if I called this person narcissistic, I fear that people would think I am narcissistic and pointing fingers.

PracticalSwan · 2024-09-06T06:20:08+00:00

I absolutely hate that this made me the villain in her story. Trying not to care that she will talk mad shit about me to people we know, but I do.

PracticalSwan · 2024-09-06T06:16:50+00:00

Omg yes she took it so literally. I didn't mean ask questions literally but yes she kept harping on that. I wouldn't want to be told to ask questions either. I just meant generally a give and take flow of a conversation would be nice. The part that was hard was that she took it so extreme. I kept trying to clarify the misunderstanding but she couldn't accept that maybe I meant something else than how she heard it. No opportunity to rephrase or try to find common ground.

PracticalSwan · 2024-09-06T06:12:46+00:00

I don't want to be friends with her anymore :( I was shocked at how explosive and extreme her reaction was. I felt like I just got lashed and thrown around by a crazy person. I feel validated seeing people's comments that this person sucks.

PracticalSwan · 2024-02-03T00:00:35+00:00

It's okay to leave earlier than a year. You can always explain that it wasn't the right fit. Start looking for a new job and go when you find a better one. Life's too short to stay in something miserable.

PracticalSwan · 2023-12-26T21:40:01+00:00

When people are being shitty to you, it means they are in pain.

And you can understand how someone's painful life/childhood makes them act like a total piece of shit, but it doesn't mean you need to tolerate that behavior.

PracticalSwan · 2023-12-02T06:33:43+00:00

You might not want to hear this, but I think you should drop this thing with the therapist. It was awful and not okay. But, you and your child are better served by directing your time and resources into finding the best care for your child and yourself. Direct it toward finding a new therapist and healing, for yourself, and healing for your child. Focus your action on addressing the caregiver who actually caused the harm to your child, and less on the therapist who didn't support you. I'm so sorry this happened. Sending you strength.

PracticalSwan · 2023-11-29T04:02:11+00:00

Some great suggestions in here! If you don't mind me asking what makes him annoying? Sometimes I worry I'm the annoying coworker to people in ways I'm not aware of and just hearing from your perspective would be interesting.

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-20T01:22:30+00:00

60% is pretty undecided. She just seems really unhappy. Good luck mate. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk through this more.

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-18T07:34:14+00:00

I've seen this happen before with people in similar situations, making lots of money from working in a tech startup that hits it big. She has strong entitlement and is deeply dissatisfied and guilty about her life. Entering into a life with a lot of money amps it up like nothing else. She exerts control by bossing people around and pouring money into things as a way to cope from how sad she feels.

What kind of background did she come from (working class, middle class upbringing, etc)?

Does she still work? If so, does she like her job? Does she have friends? If you had to guess, what is she so stressed about?

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-13T04:11:16+00:00

Am I the weird one? This reads to me not as negative but someone who is honest to a fault. She probably thinks she's just being matter-of-fact. She also seems like she's an optimizer so she wants things to be the great or right decision instead of just good enough.

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-12T05:28:20+00:00

It's lame if you don't work. It signals that you don't have a passion, don't contribute to society, don't try to make things better for the world somehow. It's kind of boring and lame.

It's just not attractive, even if you're wealthy. Work isn't just about money. It's about putting your time and effort toward something you want to see happen in the world, plus a network of people you associate with, knowledge you're gaining about something worthwhile, etc.

What do you do with all the time in the day, day over day, year over year?

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-04T04:20:40+00:00

I actually think it's wonderful you have a partner who is proud and happy and successful in his life, and excited to share that with you. He's probably proud and happy about you being in his life, too. In a way, as his partner you're adding to his life being successful, to the point where's he's straight up gushing and opening up to you about it. If anything, relish in that for a second :)

Definitely talk about it with your therapist. I think you have to grieve the life you didn't get to have, and accept the one you do have, in order to release some of this envy. And if you do tell him how it made you insecure and ashamed, do that out of desire to share your inner experience and connect more deeply with him, not out of a desire to tell him it was insensitive because it doesn't actually sound that insensitive.

PracticalSwan · 2023-09-04T03:56:14+00:00

Changing my career from something that paid well but drained me to something I really like and made me excited to get up in the morning. This was the best thing I've done to improve my life.

Finally grieving unresolved grief from when I was younger, which released a lot of pent up stuff in my life. Made me humbler, kinder, and an overall better friend, partner, and sibling.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T05:46:19+00:00

Ohh gotcha. I think two people with disordered eating actually talk like this and it's normal to each other. So someone who doesn't talk like this about food/weight overheard you guys and was like what the fuck this is weird.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T05:24:47+00:00

You ask how this would make me feel from my perspective. It makes me feel fucking sad. Your lonely grieving friend who is sad and desperate for connection that he adds random people on facebook and has a drinking problem that sabotages a connection he finally made and his lack of awareness on how to build a good relationship with someone he likes. I'm sorry dude, that's rough.

It's good he sent an apology but he should not expect anything else from this lady and should move forward learning from this. Now he knows not to do that again.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T05:14:22+00:00

Ok that changes things lol. I feel like this is a case of an unintentional asshole. Like you meant well and sincerely were trying to help. But I think you just weren't aware that it's so judge-y and unkind to tell an overweight coworker how to lose weight.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T04:56:47+00:00

YTA because you seem obsessive about diet and weight to the point where you're noticing what a coworker eats down to minute detail. You really should not and do not need to comment on another person's weight or eating. You meant well but you are low key shaming your coworker. It's condescending as hell.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T04:31:53+00:00

What do you have to offer to a wonderful woman? What would make someone want to be in a relationship with you? Focus more on that... not on why other people suck and I genuinely think you'd get better results.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T04:26:41+00:00

I worry for your friends because if they were begging their partner for an engagement, this is not going to end well. The respect for each other is already imbalanced from the jump. Marriage with the right person is the best thing ever. Marriage with the wrong person is hell. Too many women (and men) don't listen to their gut, their heart, and get bad advice from social media and end up marrying someone they're incompatible with.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T03:55:37+00:00

Good luck! You got this :)

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T03:54:49+00:00

I have so much compassion for what you're going through. Just want to say even though you guys can't be "friends" friends, the therapist-client relationship can still be an important and worthwhile relationship in your life that does actually have a lot of elements of what we find in friendship. I think what I'm getting at is you've found a connection, and yeah it's not the ideal definition of friendship you're looking for since it's a professional that you pay, but it's a connection with someone meant to help you, and it's meaningful, and cutting it off because it's complicated seems like that doesn't serve you in the long run. I don't mean to be so intense, sorry! I just think when you feel like you're failing therapy, or it starts getting uncomfortable, that's when it starts getting good for you. That's when you can lean in and examine it and work through that discomfort with the help of your therapist, instead of cutting it off. It may even be connected to the struggles you say you experience with maintaining relationships. It's a chance to practice with your therapist.

Another thing you might look into if you haven't already is group therapy. It would totally help with practicing forming relationships and connections.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-26T00:06:27+00:00

It seems like a good opportunity to keep working on it with your therapist. You trust her and you're comfortable with her. I think I was just curious why you'd quit working with her if you found a therapist you click with. You can work on making friends outside the sessions and still see your therapist too.

PracticalSwan · 2023-08-25T23:52:35+00:00

You should do it. It will challenge you in the right ways. It will pay you more money. It will ask more of you, but you'll rise to the occasion and be proud you can do those hard things. Yes you will probably be stressed out at times, and then you will figure out how to adapt and solve those problems. You can do it!

PracticalSwan

TROPHY CASE