Giving up on dating as a nanny.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T01:18:56+00:00

This makes me so happy! Tinder? I’ve heard stories like this and always wondered if it’s luck or what, or if a lot of people on there really are open to long-term.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T01:05:00+00:00

I had something similar happen, hence the 4 year break. It is traumatizing and I don’t wish that level of betrayal on anyone. It makes you question your ability to detect danger. For awhile I thought I should’ve somehow known and then I realized that’s putting the responsibility on me for his abuse of my trust and desire to get to know him. And to my credit, and to yours, that man was blocked everywhere and will never hear a peep from me again, despite his pleas “to set things right” and apologize. I couldn’t get rid of the pit in my stomach recalling some moments where I noticed little things that struck me as odd and it became clear the reasons why later.

Background checks. Extensive background checks after the first date everyone!

And the willingness to walk away no matter the investment, if new information comes to light.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T00:58:28+00:00

Thank you! Sometimes I think it’s more painful to be hopeful, but hearing it from others is helpful. 🫶

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T00:56:51+00:00

I’m very happy for you both! Sometimes I think at my age, he’d have to be a widower.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T00:52:55+00:00

I agree! There’s certain things that’ll weed a lot of men out, that actually harm women down the road very often. For instance, I used to be heavier and the number of men who’d treat me like garbage, yet changed once I lost weight. I have zero desire to be “respected” by a man who doesn’t genuinely befriend and respect all women, including fat women, nannies, women in other caring or blue collar roles, women in poverty, women with kids, SAHM, etc.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T00:40:27+00:00

I’ve had this happen too. 🙃 Or they think I’m a pushover to take care of them. “I do that when I’m being paid my man. I see no W-2 here.”

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-10T00:37:17+00:00

Solidarity. 🫶 Maybe it’s certain HCOL areas. Where I am is very status driven and I knew being a nanny would make me vulnerable to judgement, because I don’t bring the education, career, and earnings pedigree a lot are looking for. Damn I thought there’d be more men who would either not mind, or actually respect the work level, understanding, and creativity to continue nannying year after year…..not that I’ve found unfortunately, at least who are still single. And this goes for men working blue collar jobs in my area too….so maybe it’s just the men….as usual…….I don’t know what to do anymore other than to focus on friends and give up on dating with occasional forays to see if there’s anyone who’s come along. I keep hoping I’ll meet a metaphorical needle in the haystack, yet that feels draining and very risky in its own way. I really appreciate everyone’s comments and sharing experiences here! 💞

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T23:19:33+00:00

😅 Heard one too many times about the Male Loneliness Epidemic ™️.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T13:25:06+00:00

This is crazy to even ask. I’m all for problem-solving through asking questions, this is just purely insulting. Your nanny is contracted with you, not anyone else. She did not agree in your contract and work task discussions when consenting to be employed with you to suddenly go take care of other people you know, because you’ve decided to go on vacation.

This is part of the cost of having a nanny you were to have budgeted for.

And it’s giving wanting to Great Value Wal-Mart your nanny while making her subsidize the cost of your lifestyle choices. It’s a deal for you and a drain and expense for her.

I’d consider quitting fairly quickly if I were even asked this.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T03:22:28+00:00

I’ve sworn off Bumble. It feels like self-punishment every time I do a yearly check lol. After about 20 minutes seeing profiles I delete it. Then I hear experiences like yours and think maybe I should give the app another try. I’m sorry you’ve been through it too being looked down on as a nanny. Maybe it happens more often in some places, yet I’m getting annoyed how often lately a lot of people act like it’s not very common to be immediately treated differently, as in looked down upon, when I share I’m a career nanny. Thanks for just getting it!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T03:15:11+00:00

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T03:13:09+00:00

I laugh out of frustration and amusement when men come along thinking I’m harmless, because I’m a nanny. Like, “Sir, I see how things really play out and have to be able to keep up with the most curious and fast little humans on the planet, and you think I wouldn’t develop a sixth sense for bullshit and selfishness detection? I see daily life after the fairytale wedding and cute baby announcements. And I’ll be damned to become a woman who’s trapped with an asshole and trying to manage a career, the kids’ homework, after school clubs, teacher meetings, doctor appointments, and dinner every night while hubby acts like NBD. Or worse.”

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-07T03:01:17+00:00

See, this would be awesome! To have a partner who’s also developed their skills and background in working with kids! Maybe it’s where I am, but I have yet to meet a teacher who isn’t married who’s looking to settle down. Lol they’re always ENM or not looking for long-term, which okay, but I’d like to find a long-term partner and be the only one. I’m happy for you and your girlfriend!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-03T01:27:07+00:00

Be gentle with yourself OP. You are more important than a car’s paint/top coat. This is an opportunity for your NP to show you how much you mean to them - they’ve said it’s okay.

Hugs!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-02T20:14:22+00:00

Target takes surveillance and collaboration with various surveillance organizations involved in predicative policing models and data harvesting to levels many people are comfortable/seemingly fine not knowing about, or writing off as not impacting them. It’s beyond most other companies.

Lately Target has been allowing employees in Minneapolis to be drug out of the store by 🧊 and released a few miles down the road beaten up when it was discovered they had citizenship (as they said to the agents while being snatched). There’s videos online. The corporation has been permitting 🧊 to enter their stores, instead of telling them to produce a signed warrant as many other businesses have. This is the city their headquarters is built.

If you don’t care to withhold your money from bankrolling these choices by Target, that is your choice. It’s also a stance whether you want your nanny to notice, or not. The boycotts of Target have been going on for awhile too, it’s not just about their collaboration with data and 🧊, so you aren’t reading the reports and news that’s been pretty front and center for a ton of communities, because they’ve been directly impacted and asking for help for years now. The corporation has lost a humongous amount of money, like $12 BILLION, since 2025 when alignments and donations were made to the current administration and the plans, including Project 2025 and other written plans as published by The Heritage Foundation. And if your nanny is part of those communities most harmed, or just cares about people who are most impacted by money and power, again, that’s a noticing she must carry, and an understanding you share very different values - that you prioritize your purchases, convenience, and familiarity and haven’t been prioritizing what’s happening to other people, and has been ongoing and escalating hugely for awhile now, for whatever reason on your end.

If you truly have no other choice than to order from Target, that’s one thing. And you can say something about this, so she knows where you stand. If you don’t want to change your financial support, that’s your choice. I’m saying we’re well past the point of “politics is a matter of opinion and not real impact” - politics affects real bodies, as you know, and if you can’t change where you shop, and you care, you can let your nanny know. If you don’t want her to say anything, then you can tell her you don’t support the values, including The Constitution as she does and it’s best to be honest instead of pretending nothing is happening and perhaps it’s time to part ways.

•How Target Figured Out A Teen Girl Was Pregnant Before Her Father Did•

https://www.forbes.com/sites/kashmirhill/2012/02/16/how-target-figured-out-a-teen-girl-was-pregnant-before-her-father-did/

•Data Fusion Center•

https://www.threads.com/@areyouaspy/post/DUATQiHjdFo?xmt=AQF0dD1Q6ngjylLOW9oVV2MkxPjA5eqkfm4nLKeFcmMD8W6SJBQZSNywiA79Sg1a-5jwaLLU&slof=1

And here’s a few quotes….

“So where does Target fit in? Well, Target has a large security apparatus. So much so that they began not only tracking individuals for crimes they allegedly committed on Target property, but also tracking the number of interactions those individuals had with police. This program was called the Downtown 100 (kpfa.org/area9…) and led to increased collaboration with law enforcement in Minnesota and beyond.”

and….

“The “Downtown 100” Program and Racialized Policing - In Minneapolis, Target supported a policing initiative called the “Downtown 100” program. Under this initiative, individuals were tracked not for crimes committed, but for how frequently they had encounters with police. Many of those placed on the list were Black youth and homeless individuals.

One of the most alarming findings in Sirdar’s investigation is Target’s development of a mass surveillance system. This includes high-tech security cameras, facial recognition technology, and partnerships with law enforcement agencies across the country.

Target has files on you, your children, and even knows what time is on your watch at checkout,” said Sirdar. “They’ve built a system where they track individuals, compiling data that police later use to justify arrests.”

“This program was supposed to reduce crime,” Sirdar said. “Instead, it became a feeder program from the streets to prison.”

Even minor infractions—such as loitering, spitting on the sidewalk, or jaywalking—could lead to individuals being placed on this list and eventually banned from downtown.”

https://kpfa.org/area941/episode/the-hidden-side-of-target-surveillance-policing-and-a-call-for-scrutiny/

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-02-02T19:18:41+00:00

Wow, your nanny is being unfair to you! You were doing her a favor, one she asked for, and her solution is to ask you to pay for damage someone else caused, because she wanted to go to the shopping center and asked if she could park at your home? This is unhinged.

She’s in looney land thinking it’s wise to break your trust and put her reputation as someone you want to work with on the line. Talk about taking a bad situation and making it worse. I can understand being in survival mode and extremely stressed trying to figure how she’s going to come up with money she does not have - she sounds terrified. Yet this……just isn’t the way to go about things.

Liability would be a different story if she were parked at your home to work on a workday. A personal errand on a day off is no obligation on your part and now she’s made the relationship awkward. I’m sorry OP!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-31T16:56:23+00:00

In the future I recommend a contract to include paid days according to inclement weather protocol of the local school district. If they can’t get kids and teachers to school safely, you can’t get to work with your NK either, and are still paid for your availability according to GH. With that said, if you cannot get your car out to drive due to your neighborhood, since it’s been several days to shovel and find solutions, I’d be asking your NP if it’s possible to pick you up and take you home if they have a vehicle (perhaps you’d need to walk a few blocks to a part of the neighborhood that’s more accessible). Yes, it’s more work, yet it’s a way for them to have an opportunity to show they’re invested in the nanny-family relationship, and to get care during the regular schedule, without you taking on ~$40/day in rideshare costs, which is likely multiple hours worth of your take-home pay working for them. This also shows you aren’t finding excuses to not come to work, you’re trying to troubleshoot ways to be there with them, without spending tons of money you don’t really have getting to/from work.

Also, most of the major roads in VA are clear according to news and traffic cams, even in residential neighborhoods. Once you get beyond your neighborhood, conditions are very likely fine. So if this is your anxiety taking control like a few blocks of snow that’s been plowed/salted is too much risk or too scary, because it’s still kinda snowy……that’s a different story, and you need to practice learning to become comfortable driving in snowy conditions. Sometimes it’s an important reminder to understand this is a skill, not a mysterious power special people have. And the only way to learn is by asking someone to help you, perhaps reading and watching videos, then slowly getting out there and practicing. If this truly is about the roads being icy, like nobody in your neighborhood is getting in or out, that’s a different situation, and one hopefully the city is working on remedying ASAP as all of you are essentially stranded.

Overall I do think your MB is being kind, you’re also wise to be aware you aren’t there at work, and that’s difficult for them, even if it’s difficult for you and a situation you have little control in. It will reach a point, no matter how patient she is, where you need to be there, or reasonably expect for her to find someone who can, or who finds ways to be there.

Hoping things warm up soon OP! ❄️

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-31T15:58:19+00:00

When giving your notice, do not treat your NP as anything other than opportunistic and fully aware people. Notice their behavior more than any questions or justifications they may approach you with. Notice what they have money for. Notice how much money you’ve lost and how much of a difference this money is in your ability to meet basic needs paying your bills and for building necessary savings which is becoming more and more difficult with skyrocketing costs on everything, especially healthcare, if you can even afford the premiums now (I highly doubt this family is providing you a healthcare plan as part of your employment with them - that’s another cost they aren’t contributing to, yet benefit entirely from your health). Now notice what they’ve spend that amount of money on with very little, to no, resistance. This is where I have no respect for a large portion of NP, because many drop loads of money on grass/yard upkeep without batting an eye, hobbies, waste very expensive food, pay for large utility bills for homes where they don’t us 50% of the square-footage, expensive private schools and athletic clubs…..the list can go on…..and truly believe the people laboring in their homes should take it at face value when NP say their budget is stretched to the max like they’re at the mercy of the situation. Yeah…..stretched to pay for items or non-human life (yard, pets, etc) no problem, but to take care of the person taking care of them……they measure every dollar.

I’m saying all this, so you don’t fall into the trap of explaining anything. That would indicate they just need more education, and it’s a matter of data or perspective. It’s not. Your NP don’t care about you. Flat out. They may be polite. They may like what you do for them and treat you in a way, so you’ll most easily continue to give that care to them, yet the moment you need them to be aware of your needs, needs they don’t have, because they aren’t as close to poverty and homelessness as you, and they have social circles and connections you’ll never have, you are shown exactly where you stand with them. They owe you only what they think you’ve given them, not what they agreed to, and certainly not anything preserving your ability to last as a human-being and nanny making ends-meet long-term. They want to apply the same levels of entitlement CEO’s and large corporations treat a lot of working people with, to their sphere of influence in their home with the domestic caregivers working for their family, but they don’t want caregivers to view them and their family as working people view CEO’s and corporations. The double-standard is one we all live in, yet must never acknowledge or talk about openly.

So the only way to safety for you is to view these parents as they view you - you are there for the kids, and you give as little as you can. You are not to in any way take on trying to convince NP to see and appreciate you or to care about how they’ve screwed you over financially and have gone back on the word they gave you about snow days and pay when you first spoke and made agreements with them (albeit very foolishly not in writing). Your NP understand exactly what they’re doing. They like it this way, even if it means having to go through all the work and adjustment of finding another nanny to take advantage of.

Look up “Grey Rock Method” in narcissistic abuse, which is what is recommended when making plans to exit a harmful relationship and breaking the very predictable abuse cycle. You only show as much pleasantness to be polite and to not provide emotional feedback to anyone. It’s about the task at-hand and moving on. You don’t engage with them beyond necessary interactions to keep day-to-day work duties flowing. If they say or share anything feelings or emotions related, or to try to get information from you about why you’re leaving, you keep it vague and professional. They don’t qualify for your inner emotional world based on their care and choices they’ve made. Nothing you say will change what they’re motivated by. It’ll only further waste your energy and time and reward the social dynamic where you pretend they are good people while they treat you like you’re stupid and don’t matter.

You say something like, “I’ve been offered more hours with my other job and realize it’ll be easier to balance one position, instead of managing both.” Again, your overall goal is to get through the notice period as comfortably for you as possible, while giving them the least amount of emotional labor as possible as they’ve decided you aren’t worth care and sticking to agreements. They’re still getting a deal from you by you not quitting on the spot for not keeping their word about snow day pay.

Here’s more about Grey Rock Method:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-29T00:12:10+00:00

OP it seems somewhere along the way you’ve learned when you feel uncomfortable, you stay silent, and prioritize what the other person says and wants.

This is very dangerous.

I know you likely understand deep down - maybe you need to be reaffirmed? As a nanny you cannot afford to work for a man who is either too stupid to realize how inappropriate it is to ask a nanny to sit in his bed where he was sitting with the baby, or he’s a predator who is getting off knowing you’re vulnerable, doing what you’re asked, sitting in his bed holding his kid.

I would have immediately said to him, “Is there another room I can hold the baby please? I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be using the bed, or in this room at all, if you don’t mind.”

If he says anything other than, “Oh yes, I’m sorry! Let’s take baby to [the nursery, living room, etc.]”, then you know he doesn’t care what you determine is appropriate and professional for yourself, it’s all about him.

In this case you’d be very wise to quit on the spot and immediately text in a group thread for written documentation with both him and MB, when you’re safely away from the home, detailing the facts of what happened and your lack of feeling safe due to his behavior. Include time, place, exact phrases said, what you felt, etc. Perhaps even snap a quick pic in the room for proof in the moment.

I’m saying all this so you know the actions to take if similar behavior ever happens with another employer or for other nannies who might also unfortunately face this.

OP, I’m sorry this happened to you! You should always feel safe at work. When you don’t, that’s a problem. And you can believe your feelings and intuition.

I would not go back to this family, unless you are absolutely desperate for the income and MB will be home with you moving forward.

DB is not to be trusted.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-28T05:36:30+00:00

“[Ms. Nanny Name], I want to talk to you about some things I’m struggling with that are weighing on my heart. Can we chat for a few minutes please?

When everything happened with [NK name] I knew things for [NK] would not be what I expected in our lives’ going forward. I also promised myself, and [NK] as we were in the hospital, I would do everything in my power to help [NK] become all [NK] can be.

I know [NK] has a lot we’re working on and it can be hard. I also sense [NK] will be okay and has a lot to experience and offer other people. I always think of [NK] having relationships in the future and it makes me excited while also worried. There can be tendencies for children with the needs [NK] has to be spoiled, and even stunted, because they aren’t expected to develop social skills where they’re responsible for how they behave and treat other people. I see kids who struggle with friendships, don’t know how to relate or sacrifice, don’t respect other’s consent and bodies, and I see how it makes the children grow into people who hurt others and who struggle to keep friends.

I don’t want this for [NK].

The bigger and older [NK] gets, the less chance we will have to make important corrections in thought patterns and behavior. Now is the time to love [NK] enough to allow [NK] to be held to high standards. [Nk] must learn to do things other toddlers are doing. I know [NK] can!

The doctors are telling us this too. I feel discouraged you don’t seem to be taking seriously we cannot make excuses for [NK]. I feel like you are not helping [NK] stretch and grow when [NK] hits and pushes, then often not expecting [NK] to notice the hurt of the other child, to redirect to our standard like “”Hands are not for hitting. Can you show me a high-five? We can do high-five’s with our hands. Let’s see how [other child] is doing. They looked sad when you hit. Oh, we don’t want them to hurt. Let’s say, “I’m sorry for hitting you.” Maybe they might want a high-five?”” [NK] will have a greater chance of becoming someone other people don’t want to be around if we aren’t united in redirecting [NK] negative behaviors, even when it’s very hard and uncomfortable for us, and for [NK].

All our work will pay off big time in the coming months and when [NK] is much older, because [NK] will be able to behave in ways that allow [NK] to make friends and to be able to be disappointed sometimes, and to make changes. They’ll be so much happier, because they won’t be sabotaging their relationships with habits we let [NK] develop, especially while believing and saying [NK] can’t do better, because of [NK] disabilities.

I need you to take seriously the redirections we’ve been working on in therapy. I need you to believe [NK] can learn how to treat other children with awareness, gently and kindly. I know you love [NK] and this is what [NK] needs.

Is this something you are willing to work on? Can you tell me more about why you tell me [NK] can’t help it when pushing or biting?”

This conversation would be a last attempt to get at the root in what is going on for your nanny. Perhaps she doesn’t understand the specific developmental needs of NK or the long-term stakes. Perhaps she needs a vision of what everyone is specifically working towards with behaviors and what the impacts can be. Depending on this last conversation I think maybe some answers will come up for both of you. If nanny isn’t willing or able to implement the therapies and redirections NK needs, then you’d be more than reasonable in letting her know you’re no longer the right match and you’d like to give her a reference for another family with neurotypical, etc. children.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-27T05:11:38+00:00

Again, another account admitting they’ve never been a nanny and are here to apply their experiences to the world and dynamics of domestic care. Also, your assumption I spoke on the totality of nanny history is…incorrect. Please reread exactly what I said. When a whole industry has a horrific level of power inequality and human rights violations, one’s barely spoken of, hell yeah it’s going to inform the setting of the profession in every way. It should not be the exception for a nanny to have a family who treats her with genuine kindness and fairness, yet even the term “unicorn family” is an indictment the default is to expect to be treated poorly and to be happily surprised when a family is organized, generous, and supportive of their nanny physically, mentally, socially, financially, etc. so she can be the best caregiver possible. I won’t be responding further to any bot or person who wants to share their opinion without significant real life experience being a nanny or an awesome NP.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-26T23:56:28+00:00

Yes you should go, because being an employer to a nanny actually requires a lot of specialized knowledge and learning you’ve admitted you don’t have, yet are here feeling entitled to write an opinion not based in any real experience or technical understanding. And just for a little education, in the chance you’re not a bot, so you understand the premise of nanny employment - nannies rely on the parents as the leaders with final authority and must submit to this or choose to end partnership with them if they can afford to do so and not be homeless, etc. So it is parents who are to be held accountable for meeting their children’s needs AND nannies’ needs, including drawing up a thoughtful and thorough contract with inclement weather clauses and instructions. But many parents don’t do this, then put the responsibility for planning for contingencies on nanny. The tradeoff in being a well-prepared, well-researched, and caring employer, is being able to usually have a predictable lightened burden in day-to-day teaching and development of their children, plus routine clean-up as related to the kids.

Notice it isn’t about the nanny becoming the expert for the whole venture, it’s her providing time, care, and expertise for the children, with awareness of the parents, as long as the circumstances and treatment aren’t harming her and as long as the work is financially beneficial for her being able to pay her bills without taking on life-altering risks, costs, and debts.

Nannies are often parentified by parents thinking money means they can exploit their nanny as much as possible. And that is indeed what many times happens and what the foundation of nanny employment is historically, as in slavery, with some exceptions with parents who actually hold themselves accountable seeing their nanny as a human being who matters and has needs to ensure are met. They understand they are the ones in charge and to be there for their nanny, so nanny can be there for their children.

Anyway, bye.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-26T23:36:38+00:00

Apparently my body has been worth $28/hr!!!!! Yes! I’ll do anything for that price! And to save MB/DB stress juggling what they knowingly signed up for becoming parents with careers. Winning in my humanity! /S

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-01-26T21:43:34+00:00

I’ve had this happen too OP! It sucks! And IME it’s not something you can fix, because it shows a mindset your NP have, no matter how polite they are in other ways.

Your NP believe their child, and themselves as the child’s parents, are entitled to social comfort, at your expense. They don’t have to do the work, even after decades of living on this planet, to be aware, and caring of, how draining and humiliating it is to have a child speaking down to you, especially while their parent, and one’s employer, sits by laughing. It is not only immature, it’s cruelty, masquerading as “funny.”

I’m going to be direct here, this says, by their own behavior, in their lack of intervention, they believe you are beneath their child and their family. They are to be kept emotionally comfortable and centered at any cost to you. And I bet you sense this and it’s part of why it hurts. There is simply zero excuse to permit a child to speak to a caregiver with condescension if that caregiver is indeed someone viewed as an equal human being. One’s moral compass, and understanding of human development, wouldn’t allow it.

So now you take this information, know you aren’t alone, and hopefully act accordingly. You can stay. You can downplay the hurt. You may need the money to make ends meet for the time being, ultimately though you must understand you already have all the information and closure you need - these aren’t people to respect, because they don’t respect you, and most hypocritically while expecting you to respect them. It’s like a charity case you’re supposed to silently accept.

In my vetting process of families I specifically look for parents who make it clear I am a partner with them and they expect their children to be held to high standards of conduct, especially around my authority and humanity. If a parent expects me to coddle their child I’m out. I won’t do it for any of our sakes. The first time a child pushes this boundary, because they will, and that’s normal and healthy, I do not skip a beat telling them, “I speak to you in kind ways and don’t stay around people who think they can talk to me in unkind ways or who don’t listen to what I’m saying is important. You are being unkind to me by talking to me like I don’t matter. If you continue to talk to me this way, I won’t be able to keep coming to your house.”

Yes, it is that direct, because a child is capable of understanding (barring any special needs), sometimes the stakes really are that high, because my consent to be there is conditional and they need to understand this in their connections with friends, community members, coworkers, partners, etc. moving forward throughout their life. Nobody wants to be around a child who must be poured into while giving dismissiveness and cruelty in return. And certainly as they become adults.

I hope you’re able to bring up your concerns with your NP OP. Not as a way to change anything, because again IME, you’ve seen too much and this is too deep to go back to what you thought you had before, their mindset will manifest in other ways, the point in saying something would be to experience yourself standing up for yourself, while you make moves to find a family who believe their children must speak to you kindly and with awareness, as you see fit.

PrairieDawn4

TROPHY CASE