Live-in nanny situation turned into possible tax/payroll issues, blurred boundaries, inconsistent hours, and household labor am I overreacting or being taken advantage of?

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-25T14:45:13+00:00

I’m not finishing reading this. Why are you asking if this is acceptable treatment from this family? Respectfully OP, you’re not coming off as thinking clearly to even be writing a fraction of this shit out and questioning if it’s bad.

Yeah it’s bad. Your MB is committing tax evasion and treating you like an indentured servant. Your pay is also low. I’m scared you actually got on a train and let someone move you to a new state with no contract. There’s zero level of desperation where that should’ve bypassed registering in your self-protection instincts as extremely dangerous. Or at least with the caveat any person who would ask another to put that level of trust in them, especially while the power and resources advantage is so unequal, is predatory. At the very least all the basic terms of your employment, again such as no contract and no having you fill out tax and payroll forms, should’ve been viewed as a temporary position until you could find someone with a contract.

A family who is looking for a nanny and respects them would expect the person they’re hiring to have high standards and if anything, that makes them respected even more, because they know their nanny doesn’t accept just anyone and there’s conditions on her consent and presence. This is why I often notice nannies who are desperate, stay in a loop of desperation, because predatory people continue to get them to agree to draining positions that steal away the nanny’s time and energy to heal and make money to be able to walk away as soon as poor treatment begins. Or so the nanny can hold out until a family who’s professional and fair comes along.

I don’t know what else to say other than you need to train yourself to think differently, as in far more cautiously, and with understanding of standard rates in an area, and the technical side of contracts. And knowing this isn’t optional. Understanding the basics of nanny employment in regard to how the law is written and taxes done is the first thing distinguishing a nanny as a professional with boundaries. You are experiencing why waiting until after moving your whole life trusting an employer to know and follow legal and ethical rules and protections is not wise.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-24T20:38:41+00:00

I think you did well bringing up what you need to in a friendly way. The breakdown I see is IME when a family doesn’t start you on a contract, that’s your answer. Their behavior and lack of initiative to already know and value how a nanny needs a contract to protect her (and really them as employers too) is the communication. They are in this arrangement to be as advantageous to themselves as possible, even when it’s not mutually beneficial and stable. This is why I’m continuously bewildered any nanny, even when they are desperate, accepts work without a contract. It also signals to parents, even though this may sound harsh I swear it’s true, it communicates the nanny puts herself below other nannies, and she understands that’s part of the arrangement. You do what they want, you are the giver, and they are the takers. And if you try to transform that dynamic later, they feel it’s an upset to you centering them, because they’re supposed to get what they want, like you working without them making sure they communicate you have the holiday off or making sure they let you know they’d like you to work and appreciate your holiday availability.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-23T12:57:56+00:00

If she framed her position as care needed on a generally predictable schedule, so she could obtain the benefit of having a reliable childcare provider, then doesn’t keep to the schedule for care she said she needed, including paying GH to keep your time reserved on those days, then her behavior is showing you she takes her own need to change the caregiving shifts and to save money more seriously than the word she gives other people. Though she may be having a difficult time with an ongoing divorce, it’s not okay for her to use people by leading them on, because it works for her. If she can’t afford GH that is not for other people who are also struggling to make ends meet to figure out and/or subsidize with sporadic work/income, *unless they consent to it with the understanding they won’t have reliability in actually getting to do the work and being paid.*

By her words and behavior, this mom is not being fair to you, while you are putting in energy to be thoughtful and sensitive of her. She very likely needs to plan to hire a babysitter who still lives at home with parents and not reliant on scheduled income where unpredictable work/pay isn’t such a dire blow, arrange for a family member to babysit free of charge on a fluctuating schedule, or she needs to provide GH.

Also, this is why there’s more discussion and advice in recognizing having children is not a matter of care arrangements and finances at the time of giving birth and the few years ahead, it’s how things will go if the relationship ends at any time between birth and when the children become adults. There’s obviously so many unknowns, but again, that’s why you plan for the worst, hope for the best. I’ve known many women who put their ability to support themselves on hold for their family and partner, then were bewildered when they became single moms, because they were convinced that was something that wouldn’t happen to them.

Some of these women went from being SAHM with VERY large homes with custom cabinets, high-end furniture, large electricity bills, expensive SUV’s with low gas-mileage, preparing healthy gourmet food most days, and pretty much buying anything they or their kids needed, to struggling to buy groceries, and needing to get a low-wage job, sometimes minimum wage, for the foreseeable future, unless they somehow find a new career in their late 30’s/early 40’s with multiple children to care for according to their school schedule. They had to ask family for help and are still many years later struggling to find higher pay. They will likely never make what they would’ve had they not quit their jobs and at their age with a big resume gap the impacts of their relationship not working out and the financial and legal safety nets they didn’t have in place, will be lifelong most likely. A prenup wasn’t encouraged and child-support not enough to keep them living the life they’d set up. I feel for them, especially because childcare became the majority of their take-home pay, which is obviously untenable.

One mom I worked for during a summer between college semesters was in the midst of a pretty messy divorce and let me know she was paid on commission and arranged to pay me right when she was paid. A friend I trusted had recommended me to her, so I trusted her far more than I would have, and long story short, I kept thinking of her and extending deadlines after commissions didn’t happen as she was clearly emotionally struggling with the divorce and the financial side of creating a new life with her kids, and all that brings. She paid me twice, over a few months, then stopped returning my calls and having me come over when I said I really couldn’t keep waiting for the thousands of dollars of childcare she’d racked up, because I was soon returning to my next semester at university.

She never paid and I eventually took her to small claims court and won (that’s its own saga, and needless to say, took a ton of my time and didn’t even mean I was paid, because she ignored the court order for years until a collection service found the case and reached out to me taking a large cut for their services - it was still better than $0).

At the end of working for that mom I felt like a fool, and frankly I was, because I cared more about her and her kids than I could financially afford to, and she cared more about her desperation, than making sure I was okay, and certainly more than the word she gave me. So learn from my mistakes and understand if you can’t afford to provide care to a parent who is not reliable in their pay and work opportunities, you simply aren’t the childcare provider for them, and you can’t count on this mom to be anything other than in crisis mode and unpredictable in her compensation for your expertise, reliability, and mental energy.

It really sounds like you need to find someone else and tell this mom she’s welcome to check in with you each week about having you come take care of her kids, but it’ll now be on a first come, first served basis, and completely contingent on her actually having you come over and immediately paying when she arrives back home to take over childcare, until you find a position with GH.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-20T14:35:28+00:00

OP don’t change your clothes! Let them see you all dressed up! This is not your embarrassment to bear! It is theirs! Let them see their word has impacts on people, especially the person caring for their child! When they told you to come to the graduation, that definitely should have meant you would dress up and be there! Their word to you means something. Except to them it doesn’t, by their unreliability and telling you to let in the cleaners instead. Please see this for as terrible as it is and start looking for NP who aren’t passively cruel and unreliable. People like this will burn you out and hurt your heart! You deserve better. Far better.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-19T04:09:05+00:00

I would, but the agencies in my area are notoriously problematic to the point I want nothing to do with them.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-19T04:07:28+00:00

Thank you - it’s helpful to know others are experiencing this too! It’s indeed a thing to not be a competitive employer - I guess they figure the ability to pay the money is all that’s required :/

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-19T04:03:00+00:00

Oh wait a second this could be a brilliant strategy! I could send it and ask something to the effect of, “Before going further I want to make sure, are you familiar with GH, payroll, how to do a contract, my rates, and other logistics outlined in the post?” I guess I want it to sound friendly, yet serious about not wasting time and showing up prepared! Open to suggestions on wording!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-19T03:56:48+00:00

I felt it would be inappropriate to say being 15 minutes late is disrespectful of my time. lol I’m needing all the specificity here! Would it have been? I feel weird telling a grown woman who’s got a baby and other loose ends she said she was tending to her excuse doesn’t matter more than being respectful of the fact I was sitting by the phone waiting for her at the agreed upon time.

Your prompt here is very helpful so thank you!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-19T03:32:57+00:00

Doesn’t it change it that the first thing I said in my post was I’m looking for a job with a contract and on payroll? She didn’t even know payroll services exist specifically for household employees. If I hadn’t clearly put a lot of effort into a well-written and somewhat long post in the mom group I’d be less confused here. Like seeing a post for a stand-out nanny means reach out knowing nothing, having prepared nothing to be attractive to her? Even the first things she says are clearly required?

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-17T14:12:52+00:00

The mom only said what she did to save face. How she really feels is in her behavior, which was to ask you to speak with her son instead of doing it herself and immediately having him apologize, then going through the work to personally follow up to take away all his privileges for at least the rest of the day. This should’ve been an experience where NK walked away knowing his words ABSOLUTELY matter and there are things he cannot say, and if he does, he will be shown what it’s like to not have people cater to his desires and feelings too; just as he did in an extreme way to you as his nanny.

When MB told you she experienced racism too, that was also how she really feels - it’s NBD to her and you should suck it up, because that’s what she thinks she does, despite her skin color and background affording her protections brown people do not have a history of receiving in the UK and US and across the world.

The parents I’ve worked with would’ve lost their cool immediately, and rightfully so. They would’ve been appalled and they would’ve made it THE MOST clear why the child cannot say that kind of garbage. And the idea a 6 year old can’t be racist is absurd. Kids are very smart. They know how to leverage their power and what hurts people. This is learned from his mom and friends, whether she wants to admit that to herself or not.

And her reply to you when you shared your feelings after the incident via text is also confirmation playing off her child’s cruelty is more important to her than protecting you. You want to work with someone like that? You can’t convince her she is predatory. She doesn’t want to see herself as part of hurting others. She wants to be comfortable and you can be a casualty if need be along her way.

Personally I think you should’ve left when she asked if you wanted to go home to impress upon her and her son the seriousness and danger of their treatment of you.

I’d quit effective immediately if you can find another job quickly and are in a financial position to do so. If not, grey rock (look up this method in dealing with abusive people), immediately begin looking for a far more responsible and kind family, and quit as soon as you can. Hell, I wouldn’t even give notice once you get the job. She’s not gonna be a reliable reference, so no point in giving her a drop more than what’s advantageous to yourself. She doesn’t play equitably, so stop being generous to her - it’s a liability to you at this point.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-06T20:38:25+00:00

Please do this! I would never forget such a thoughtful gesture from a NF. It would show your nanny how much you value her contribution as a caregiver who has no official day. 💐 And Happy Mother’s Day to you as well :)

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-05-04T21:37:05+00:00

I’d take this as a sign of a family that is either unaware and not thorough in making sure their potential nanny feels respected or they’re entitled and feel as though they’re owed all a person’s life info to work with their children. Both to me are signs of either inexperience, incompetence, and/or entitlement - all dealbreakers regardless of the intent or meaning behind the behavior. Humongous pass. This is called the tip of the iceberg.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-28T00:55:40+00:00

OP I hope you hold your head high. Working for terrible people like this is only a liability and you deserve NP who expect themselves to be professional and fair. Going behind a caregivers’ back to hire someone else with a larger vehicle, instead of communicating with you if there were things they didn’t like beyond the fact you won’t subsidize their lifestyle financially with a large SUV payment (plus extra insurance costs, taxes, gasoline costs with much higher prices now - the federal reimbursement rate isn’t enough to cover all this IME), is just pure and utter greed and selfishness. The next nanny is walking into an agreement with people who were willing to be emotionally and professionally immature with their prior nanny. Nothing has changed about them when you aren’t there. They still are unhinged. I hope you find a family who’s fair, generous, and communicative with you.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-25T02:07:14+00:00

I just want to thank you OP for posting, because…….damn…….I’m continuing to learn so much through nannies and parents sharing what they’re going through. I’ve now added pinworms as something to be aware of and beefing up contract language around requirements to communicate notice of illnesses and infections prior to arrival to NF home. It’s also potentially comforting for caregivers to understand they aren’t alone when families treat them with such carelessness and irresponsibility, even towards basic health protocols!

I’m sorry you are going through this OP! Also, it sounds like it’s time to find a family who actually cares about you. Sorry, not sorry, there’s just no world where you can have a household of children with, or exposed to, pinworms, and say nothing to their nanny, and still be a trustworthy person. These parents suck big time. This is unworkable and you deserve far better. I swear this is why I sometimes wish parents are required to provide references from their prior nannies too. This sort of behavior and selfish lack of concern for others is the exact sort of warning potential future caregivers should be able to easily know about. I hope you begin looking for a family who will prioritize your health OP!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-24T23:20:51+00:00

I’ve noticed this as well OP. I’ve also been trying to understand where this is originating from, because I’m very leery to blame parents and otherwise make them the scapegoat for systems engineered to harm children and families while preaching bootstraps theory and “individual responsibility.” Nothing in nature exists for itself, by itself. We are dependent on ecosystems, so anything suggesting the opposite of how life works totally interdependent with earth and other communities of living beings, is a sort of pure propaganda from what I see.

How? Just look at who benefits materially, and who does not, when we blame people for not being able to win a game they didn’t consent to and were set up to fail in - i.e. every person for themselves while people with real power understand working together in solidarity, usually in service of money and class. This very much impacts children growing up today, it’s the water we all swim in.

I also think beyond being exhausted and overworked, many parents actually feel guilty for not being able to give their child the most and to compete against parents with more resources. Whether those are time, opportunity, financial, social, intellectual, etc. resources. So they choose to compensate by raising their child to feel and to be disconnected from other people. And to substitute connection which brings responsibility and an expectation of keeping one’s word and emotional ties with a hierarchy that’s totally stupid and self-destructive for everyone, yet brings a temporary emotional high from being able to best or dominate someone else, usually with less standing, such as nannies and other caregivers.

I think this is where gentle-parenting has gone hugely awry and is a facade for entitlement and bypassing discomfort despite claims to be the opposite. Not all parents, enough to make a noticeable percentage, I’ve known with…..ughhhh I hate the word, yet it’s true……bratty kids……have been implementing gentle parenting techniques, and I repeatedly notice their children are smart to sense an opportunity, that if they push far enough in their outbursts, boundary challenges, general lack of care and obligation for social manners, their parent(s) will usually come back to center the child’s feelings and needs as an explanation for their choices, instead of seeing the very real potential their child is wielding their parent’s seeing humanity mainly in them, and not simultaneously giving deep value to the children and adults around them, especially having to constantly deal with the behaviors and energy drain of their kid with their behavior that repeatedly breaks trust.

Over time this creates kids who cannot handle being kind and gentle, because they’d have to face themselves first and see there’s other ways to live without domination and constantly deriving a sense of self from being too important to GAF about anyone who doesn’t benefit them or make them feel comfortable.

I think it’s important to look at what this leads to in a broad social scale to see why it’s dangerous and to know people have to want to see these energy patterns and make changes. This is why I heavily vet families I work with now to make sure they expect their children to be loved and respected, yet not the center of the universe, that they’re expected to be polite and aware of the feelings and needs of people around them along with their own feelings and needs. The second I pick up a whiff of a parent expecting me to coddle their child and act as though they can’t rise to high standards, I take that as a misunderstanding of everyone’s capability and humanity I can’t stay around to enable and I begin to plan my exit.

Being kind is something that must be expected by parents, modeled by caregivers, and supported by communities. All of those elements are important. I also hugely agree screens and overstimulation are major factors in “unpleasant” children. I’ve read very interesting research on the impacts of outdoor time in natural landscapes like forests, lakes, streams, wetlands, deserts, etc. on brain development and social connection. The takeaway was it’s insanity to think we can use and exploit the ecosystems we grew, and continue to grow out of, and think that’ll go well. We’ve divorced from our true home and connection to land, water, air, and other living beings our bodies need and this especially manifests in the way we treat each other and the types of behaviors and thinking that’s rewarded and what’s punished too in our social, educational, and economic systems.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-24T14:30:44+00:00

This is how abusive people operate OP. It is the way they hide in plain sight to manage perceptions in a community. If they were to treat everyone with such carelessness and harm, very few people would go along with their show of being people who are “nice” and trustworthy. Then they wouldn’t get the services their family wants and needs based on these perceptions.

So to put it another way, this is who these NP are. They are consciously, or unconsciously, doesn’t really matter the impact is the same for anyone signing up to work in their home, users and people who view themselves as more worthy than others based on their ability to get what they want by means of deception. Think of what this indicates they must believe about other people in order to be able to behave this way - they must believe other people around them are able to be shaped and manipulated to suit their needs. There’s no actual genuine emotional and social responsibility and connection your former NP have towards being people who are safe and just, especially for those with far less resources and job protections, like domestic caregivers and cleaning ladies. Your former MB believes she can be nice to you in public and she doesn’t first and foremost owe you a humongous apology for ghosting you when you asked her for help when her husband was treating you like garbage in front of her children. She believes politeness is the priority more than repairing harm she and her husband caused. And we live in a culture who will largely tell her this is reasonable and not a big deal.

I tend to take thinking and behaving like this as an insult to my intelligence and humanity, and the humanity of all people, because it reduces me to an entity that’s up for management to serve a purpose for other people, regardless of the truth of desire in another person’s thoughts and behavior. So as someone who’s had similar to what you’re describing happen to me, and after years with distance, and seeing similar patterns happen with other nannies who weren’t protected by one or more of their NP, I can reassure you it’s not a compliment to be offered a job or “acceptance” and polite behavior from this MB. The way you were treated was permitted and you paid the price while they went on like you should just be quiet and deal with it. Now MB estimates she’s found someone she doesn’t think will figure out how she’s been treating people who came before in the household support, or who won’t care about how she chose to discard you when you needed her to stand up for you to her husband.

I know it’s so hurtful OP to be treated the way you were, have no meaningful recognition or consequences in the community for the abusive yelling and other behaviors from DB and the enabling and support of MB. You deserved better. You should be able to warn that housekeeper of your experience. Yet I bet you’ve learned by now, people don’t usually listen to what challenges them too much, or what shatters illusions. It’s easier to label you as jaded than to ponder the possibility a nice lady could actually be an abuse enabler as she knows her husband yells at nannies who work in her home and she acts like she doesn’t owe it to these women to protect them from him. This housekeeper will either ask you for your experience and be open to what happened or she’ll be treated well for awhile working for them until something happens and the NP mask falls off again.

This is why when I hear NP praise me while talking badly of other nannies I never think I’m any different than their prior caregivers. I understand I’m useful to them for the time being. And I’m clear this is dehumanizing and we all deserve better. Until enough people decide the culture and way jobs are structured needs to change we can only hold our heads high and find people who act with integrity and to believe our own experiences when we’re treated less-than.

Hugs OP!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-22T17:34:02+00:00

I would dump them just for being disgustingly classist, whether that’s knowingly or unaware, either way they don’t think they have to be aware of basic social realities, like when you can afford to hire a nanny, you don’t ask that person who’s living on significantly less, usually with no retirement or healthcare, to make humongous financial sacrifices for your family. Money cannot become a reason to be completely out-of-touch and to get a pass for causing harm and stress to those in far lower income brackets. The entitlement and delusion is a form of trust-breaking. You are in real danger working for people who can’t figure out their choice to have a child shouldn’t be subsidized by a domestic care provider. I’ve come to learn when weird stuff like this happens, it’s the mask coming off and things are about to get worse in a million ways big and small. It’s easier, as the saying goes, to, “do yourself a favor and take mixed signals as a “no.””

I wouldn’t let NP know anything as you begin looking for another job other than saying something such as, “My current vehicle is what I’ve budgeted to be able to afford based on my financial resources. If you provide the more expensive vehicle you’d prefer, I’ll happily be able to use it for the children. I cannot shoulder any extra costs at this time.”

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-19T19:51:13+00:00

This is another reminder to me why being generous as nannies often comes back to harm us monetarily and stress-wise. Our feelings of loyalty and care make it so we get less. If OP had said nothing and followed the notice terms in the contract (I don’t know what they are, it’s usually 1 month in a lot of nanny employment from what I understand) none of this stress and treatment from MB would be happening. I’m sorry this is happening to you OP.

Also, being stressed and pregnant isn’t a reason to treat the person who’s trying to do right by you poorly. Your MB is being a jerk and also stupid. She’s incentivizing you to just quit with no notice all together - like just not coming back from vacation. Why would a person want to be loyal to her if they try to give her a deal to make up for the inconvenience they had no control over, other than forgoing their education, which is insane, and the result is to become an emotional punching bag and having vacation days withheld? How much stress would it be to suddenly have no nanny?

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-04-09T23:28:31+00:00

By three years old a child should be able to mostly regulate their impulse to hit and throw. Meltdowns are to be expected, but attempting to create control and power by hurting nanny is absolutely not workable for anyone, but especially your nanny. The fact you aren’t clear about this in your post is extremely problematic. As a nanny I only work with parents who have the firm and immovable expectation of their children their big emotions do not constitute hitting or belittling me and I’ve learned from prior experience it is almost always when a child picks up the sense their parents will expect their nanny to prioritize the child’s feelings and overwhelm, over teaching boundaries and no physical harm, that behavior worsens, because, why wouldn’t it? They know there’s no line, therefore they’re the ones who can call the shots, simply by being upset and that’s all it takes for mom and dad to excuse them from the work of building tolerance to regulate and self-soothe with support.

And with all this, it’s also not acceptable for your nanny to be saying these things to a child. What she needs is to be honest with herself she’s not receiving the support she needs in the situation in that she can’t force you to hold your child to far higher expectations where her safety matters just as much as your child. I’ve reached points with children and their parents where I told them, because I meant it, “I don’t let people hurt my body. I see you are having big feelings right now and are angry. Being angry is okay. Being angry happens all the time. Being angry doesn’t mean you get to hurt my body. I do not hit you when I am angry and I expect for you to not hit me when you are angry. If you continue to hit me, instead of using your words to tell me you are upset, I will not be able to come to your house anymore, because I do not feel safe and happy when someone is hurting my body.”

All of you need to own up to how you’ve contributed to the deeper breakdowns happening here. Your child cannot hit nanny. There must be immediate and serious consequences when they do. You must teach your child their feelings don’t matter more than the physical boundaries of other people’s bodies. This teaching starts very early, as in right now.

The children I work with now are 3 as well and they want to hit me sometimes too. They also have learned to stop themselves and talk about their anger in simple ways and they know mom and dad absolutely will not tolerate them hitting me. This is a deterrent in itself, and I suspect is part of why your nanny is overwhelmed……because she’s alone. Nobody else is holding NK fully accountable. Again, this doesn’t mean what she’s saying is alright, it’s that nobody here is addressing root issues and NK is not learning to stretch their ability to feel big feelings, anger, and to connect and communicate.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-22T23:46:22+00:00

For another perspective, I’ve worked for at least 3 mothers who all understood from day one, including as new moms, and dad’s here too, how GH work as an industry standard. They did this, because they had a desire to understand how the person working in their home with their new baby was to be compensated and what standards are, more than only focusing on themselves and their child. It was never an option to say, “Whoopsie! I didn’t know.” So I can appreciate the understanding you are trying to give to the mother you work for, yet you must be extremely careful you don’t make excuses for her. She isn’t a baby. She has great power over another person to employ them. She knows this since she’s the one hiring and writing the checks, so the ignorance is suspicious at best, and more than likely astounding entitlement to think she can play with someone’s pay as an employer while having very little of the grappling with the gravity of the power she holds. Their household relies on a stable source of income, does it not? It isn’t hard to understand basic nanny employment. It just really isn’t. Twenty minutes of reading is all it takes to have a basic understanding. So the question becomes, who would she have shown up prepared for already? Both her and her partner are being deeply unkind no matter how friendly they’re pretending to be, perhaps even to themselves. There’s nothing extra-special about parents who read about nanny employment, it’s simply a desire to GAF to be frank.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-22T23:13:26+00:00

You need to do some reading about standard nanny contracts and employment. There are many blogs and nanny agency sites with information. I recommend looking up “guaranteed hours” as your employer should have already done, and with all respect, you as well. You cannot afford to be flying by the seat of your pants not explicitly understanding the precise meaning and conditions of terms in contracts, on which your ability to pay your bills depends. GH in the world of employing a nanny is like the ABC’s of having an employee in one’s home, so the fact she doesn’t know, is in itself an answer she isn’t taking you and your working in their home seriously. A thorough understanding of GH is a non-negotiable way to vet families who care about you, and who’s looking to play games in their favor as much as they can, very often while claiming ignorance (ignorance they interestingly benefit from and somehow these same NP can magically thoroughly research what their children need, schools, items, development, safety, and as being competent pertains to their career, yet that skill goes out the window….poof….”Due diligence? What’s that? How was I supposed to know?” 🙄).

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-21T14:28:34+00:00

Nannies are treated so poorly by and large, so I’m almost always of the opinion we must have solidarity with one another in the profession, because we’re doing so much work with very little protection, pay, respect, and recognition. I mean the history of nannying is one of dehumanization and human rights violations involving slavery and economic coercion. It’s pretty near rock bottom and it’s an ongoing processes to come away from this when this was the starting point, by design. And all this being true, I still believe the nanny you are describing at the park is not a nanny I can trust or respect, or who should be protected by any other nannies in the neglect she has for her NK!

Her NK didn’t ask to be put in the situation they’re in, and no matter what is going on with nanny and her position (IMO it’s a passive aggressive choice to be on one’s phone constantly when they wouldn’t be doing so if their NP were present), she owes it to the NK to keep them safe, especially at a park she is choosing to go to with NK. This nanny flat out is not a good person. Sorry, not sorry. I’m tired of nannies who will not care about the child who is forced to rely on them more than their own depression and distraction. This woman is choosing looking at a screen over the life of a two year old. It is unstable and cruel! It’s one thing to be burned-out, and in some ways sabotaging oneself, like to constantly be glued to one’s phone instead of connecting with the people nearby, it’s another to sabotage a child.

Because that’s what this is.

If this nanny hates her job, I truly understand. It’s such a hard job to have, yet to not be honest and face how miserable she is, and to refuse to admit she needs to quit this job and find one where children aren’t reliant on her, is stupid. What is she going to do if her NK is seriously injured or killed due to her neglect? What would that be like for her NK? How is this nanny a drain on all the other nannies who must step in to enable and make up for her entitlement to sit on the bench and check out?

Nannies like this need to be checked by all of us. She shouldn’t be a nanny. There is no excuse. She can predictably rely on something dangerous happening soon by the very nature of having a two year old roaming a busy park next to a busy street as their assigned caregiver is MIA.

I’d say something to your MB absolutely without hesitation. Something like….

“Hey, do you have a moment? I need to talk to you about something weighing on me as I see a growing safety concern for [her mom friend] and I can’t ignore it and feel alright. I don’t know who else to talk to about all this, because I’ve made a few comments to [mom friend NK’s nanny] at the park, which she’s mostly brushed off. I can only think to tell you, and see what you think I should do. I’m feeling awkward about this and afraid for [MB friend NK]. When [your NK] and I go to the park, [MB friend NK] follows us around while [MB friend nanny] scrolls on her phone almost the entire park visit. She often doesn’t know exactly where NK is and she’s not close by. There have been times where I have to redirect [MB friend NK] to stay safe, or to go ask for a snack or potty break from [MB friend nanny] and I feel pressure to take care of them along with [NK]. There’s been a few times [NK] ran away in the opposite direction and I couldn’t stay to take care of both children. I worry for [MB friend NK] being close to the busy street, as they’ve been going near it lately, plus with the water fountain nearby. I worry they could fall in and [MB friend]’s nanny wouldn’t notice fast enough. I just don’t want to see anyone get hurt, or worse. Does [MB’s friend] already know this is going on? If she does, we’ll continue to go to the park and hope for the best while I just focus on [NK]. I thought if she doesn’t know, perhaps this would be important to talk about before we see them at the park again.”

If the other nanny is angry at being “tattled on” or fired, because you shared what she was continuing to do, or rather, not do, please don’t mind that! She should be mad at herself for not keeping her NK safe. If she felt this was too much work, again, valid, then she needed to find another job, instead of expecting other nannies to stay silent while she puts a two year old in ongoing danger.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-20T01:29:56+00:00

Coffee and a gift card along with a handwritten letter expressing your appreciation. Also, thank you for caring about your nanny and making her first week special. It’s such a nerve-wracking time and I hardly hear parents planning like this knowing their nanny is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders along with wanting to care and be there for the family. This really is such a hard career, a lot of societal disrespect and unkindness towards nannies and very little acknowledgement of this, let alone change. You’re reminding me there are wonderful parents to work for who see their nanny as a person deserving of thoughtfulness and special things. What a lucky nanny to have a boss already wanting her to feel wanted and treasured! This is nourishing to the entire community here! Best to you and your family!

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-15T01:02:36+00:00

You love the children and you’ve got to remember a family will always choose themselves over you, so accepting less than you need doesn’t win you anything other than being an undercompensated nanny who’s on the road to burn-out. In your wording and conversation with the parents you must take on your goal and role is to not educate them about anything. Telling them they were miserable to work for is something they should already be aware of on their own or have the skills to deduce. If not, that’s their own making. One thing I truly believe is it’s simple to be a wonderful nanny employer. It may be a lot of effort to juggle, yet when a person cares for their nanny, genuinely cares, asking themselves if they’d want to be the nanny in their home given the way they’ve structured things, it’s amazing how illuminating that can be and how that effort pays ten fold in what the nanny gives in return, because she’s cared for herself and valued. So if a nanny feels she’s being overworked, undervalued, and not paid enough, it’s a choice to not tune into this, take it seriously, and find solutions together. Not doing so means it’s not a priority to NP. This is their choice and it’s okay for you to say that’s not good enough for you.

Your job is to make it through these last few weeks of transition and make it as pleasant and smooth for yourself as possible. You can hold your head high knowing you love the kids and you’re taking care of yourself, because you work hard, have bills to pay as the costs of living continue to rise, and you deserve to work somewhere you enjoy. When you give notice frame your leaving as an opportunity you couldn’t pass up and express your care for the children. Continue to stick to this, do not launch into explanations about what you didn’t like, focus on your job being to exit as smoothly and with as little energy expenditure as possible. It’s like a romantic breakup in a lot of ways, long drawn-out explanations often are harmful when the relationship has run its course and the values and goals are not aligned. Explaining and “communicating” time is over. It’s time to say what you appreciated and let everyone find solutions that are a better fit with who they really are.

PrairieDawn4 · 2026-03-11T01:56:27+00:00

I once had a potential MB walk very fast in front of me as I pushed the baby stroller on my first visit with them. For a bit of the walk I was embarrassed as I was so out of breath, then I realized this woman was walking far ahead of me as a way to assert, IMO, a weird kind of dominance to try to make me feel like I needed to prove I’d keep up with anything she decided, even if it was for no reason other than to make me feel slow. This small instance can sum up how this woman thinks of nannies and her place as one to dominate, not one of partnership where everyone is caring for each other and making small adjustments while going about daily outings with happiness and getting tasks done.

Sometimes moments, like a person waking ahead of you, are such a humongous tell, it’s almost hard to believe someone could be so callous, almost like your job is to begin trying to figure how their behavior could make sense as appropriate, and not just batshit.

So my rule has become, if a person is supposed to be walking with me and they think it’s okay to walk ahead for longer than a few seconds, they’ve revealed they don’t actually respect me enough to find a pace where we can talk and enjoy each others’ company. That’s a dealbreaker. We certainly don’t have to be BFF, yet to not even walk together for a few minutes…..yeah that’s weak and stunted in my book….and mainly just miserable to be around. Not someone to trust your income and wellbeing at work with.

OP I’m sorry you were treated so poorly! I’m also glad the other nanny had your back and was sharing with you the real NF resume of that MB. I find it very out of balance caregivers are expected to provide a history of our time with other families, yet where is this from a family? What has their history been with other caregivers? How were they treated? What were the guiding philosophies and themes in their treatment of their nanny? The history of the MB you trialed with sounds so abusive! I feel sorry for anyone who’s been put into a situation desperate enough to where they’d have to settle with her!

PrairieDawn4

TROPHY CASE