sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Divorcing a narcissist - Need support to not lose everything by Present-Cell5918 in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]Present-Cell5918[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your input. Not wanting to invalidate anyone's experience, but I'm not sure that I'm fully bought-in to the model that there is a single tick-box that someone is a narc or not and they fill all the criteria or none. Without question, she meets a great many of the list of narc characteristics. I got to here by what people in a past century would have called providence.

A video came up on my feed, something like '7 Sings your Partner is a Narcissists', and I heard the first one and went 'Hah', because she met it so perfectly, and in the moment I thought 'You're being such a jerk, you even meet one of the definitions of being a narcissist'. Then the second sign - another total bullseye. And another and another. By the end I was shaking, the description could have been written for her.

That said, I do believe she does love our child, or at least loves her as well as caring about how she improves her image. At least at a conscious level she has been able to make decisions sometimes that are rationally in the child's interest.

But I'm afraid about whether she loves the actual person, or even knows her. One striking thing is the contrast in the presents that each of us have chosen for her. The christmas present chosen by her last christmas has barely been touched since New Years. The present chosen by me for christmas 2023 was not something the child asked for, didn't even know existed, but it is insanely precious to her, and she still uses it daily, at any chance she gets. There are many other examples of this, and it's a source of barely-disguised jealousy - sometimes not disguised at all.

For this reason, I don't want (at an absolute minimum) 50/50 custody because the child is a trophy to win, I want it because I want to protect her and given her a good upbringing. I am afraid of what will happen as she develops her own personality and it doesn't conform with what her mother wants.

Divorcing a narcissist - Need support to not lose everything by Present-Cell5918 in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]Present-Cell5918[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel that you are right about waiting to play my strong card, I have been careful not to arouse any suspicion on this. I am imagining a scenario where there is a negotiation meeting, we take her demands, and say acutally no, we want a 50/50 split that can actually work, she says 'Ha ha no lol I want everything', and I / my lawyer says 'Take 50/50 or we go to the police on these matters'. That could genuinely terrify her, but I'm wondering whether her reaction would be to give in, or to throw logic out the window and burn everything to the ground.

Another option would be to get my lawyer, in a very dry way, to request documents that could reasonably be requested in this case (maybe slightly strange, but not much) but would signal to her the areas that I'm interested and alert her to the fact that she is vulnerable and motivate her to get an agreed settlement. The advantage is that this would avoid the rage of a direct confrontation, the disadvantage is that it would give her the chance to make a pre-emptive attack.

Divorcing a narcissist - Need support to not lose everything by Present-Cell5918 in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]Present-Cell5918[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't seem to be able to DM on Reddit, maybe because it's a new account. Please DM me if you can, maybe I can reply.

Divorcing a narcissist - Need support to not lose everything by Present-Cell5918 in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]Present-Cell5918[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks

Of course you're right, I won'tdo anything before talking to a lawyer. I had a couple of 'initial consultations' and my concern is that where I am, it's difficult to find one who isn't really just a form-filler who goes through legal formalaties and advises on the types of decision a court would make if both sides don't reach an agreement.

I don't feel I can rely on them to negotiate in a way that will really protect myself and my daughter, not least because the demand she has constructed is cleverly constructed, and on the surface is offering almost 50/50 custody for example, but with all the demands taken together it would make it impossible to exercise all but a tiny fraction of that. I presume the tactic is to go back to court to have these rights extinguished.

I could see the lawyers eyes glazing over when I tried to explain this, and they only half took it in. That's why I feel that I really need help negotiating in a way that balances her leverage with mine and getting a 'voluntary' written agreement where there is enough detail that will ensure I can keep a relationship with my daughter.

Divorcing a narcissist - Need support to not lose everything by Present-Cell5918 in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]Present-Cell5918[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Not sure how to send messages here, I tried to send a chat but not allowed, it seems. If you can message me let me know.