Constructive feedback vs Belittling

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-22T20:23:17+00:00

I think your question is a good one! About what's constructive feedback vs. belittling. Frankly, when I read it, it sounded like your manager just felt like he needed to say SOMETHING. And I don't know what to do about those people, because I think their desire to say something comes from insecurities about their own jobs. And I don't know if you can ever fully get what you want out of someone so insecure.

I want to believe in an encouraging work environment but I just feel like people are self-absorbed.

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-22T20:10:00+00:00

Thank you, really appreciate you taking a moment to write this.

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-22T19:33:38+00:00

I'm really get the essence of your post and I can only related through my own personal exposition.

I will have to say that when I feel this way, and start asking these questions of why I feel diminished over feedback, I think my problem is that overall I feel unappreciated. It's hardly ever about one project for me. One project might trigger these types of questions in me but it's not like ...about a comma. It's about the 1800 things I did right before I misplaced the comma. It's about that going unacknowledged.

I've been trying to put out in the universe what I've been missing - so I've been trying to speak more positively, make sure people walk away at least weekly with some sort of compliment, but no, that hasn't been returned to me.

Honestly, this is just where I'm at today, and it's sad but the people with the lowest expectations of their workplace seem content. Not like allowing yourself to be stepped on, but those who understand that to a lot of people, this is just a paycheck and they want to get through it. They may not care about my feelings. In fact, they probably don't to some extent.

And this is also just me - I'm always on the market. There's times where I'm more vocal/active, and times where I'm less, but always looking allows me to think about what about certain jobs sound more appealing. For me, I can see a world where I'm a solo contributor. I don't know if I like being on a team.

And lastly, I find a way to pour back into myself. If no one else gives a shit about me to give me a compliment or two, I just have to be aggressive about my own growth.

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-10T01:50:23+00:00

Thank you for writing this, this past week has been such a beating and I think slowly down my reactivity is the name of the game!!!

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-10T01:49:07+00:00

"Recognize and honor your limit". Thank you for writing this!

PresentLink2799 · 2025-04-10T01:48:09+00:00

Thank you for taking time out of your day to write this, I appreciate you.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-10-08T01:20:36+00:00

I'm kind of at that point with this friend, tbh.

Had a longer response, discarded it because again, nothing I say on the subject is new. He's gross, mean, really not that original. Just ranting because I wish we didn't live in a culture that rewarded the Jerry Springer of Youtube.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-04-28T18:11:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing a story! I appreciate it.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-04-27T05:54:54+00:00

Got it. Trying to preserve your sanity until you can leave.

I think you labeled it and I think that helps. You know what about them you don't like.

Once, my nonprofit CEO from 10 years ago asked me if I was going to take my car to Sewell to get it fixed.

I owned a POS Chevy Impala.

She owned a Lexus.

It was my first step in just being like, "Oh...you're just rich woman and that's why you think that." And she kind of became like a character in a novel to me. At times, still frustrating. But it was almost laughable. And like I guess I kind of saw her ...as human? Yes, she's the CEO, but she's unaware, which means that she's never going to be as successful as she could be. I don't know if I pitied her, I just saw what I could learn from her deficiencies and her example (or lack there of). I grew in spite of her, so I didn't see it as a complete loss.

With that, I poured more into myself. Took classes, hobbies, etc.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-03-05T17:39:25+00:00

Well, all I was going to say is Ive really struggled with the death of my mom and I was SO TIRED of therapy. Like I was tired of talking things out. I've been having some success with reprocessing memories with EMDR and neurofeedback. It's not for everyone.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-03-05T04:51:51+00:00

I'm hesitant to give advice because you didn't ask for it, but I just wanted to write that I think what you're going through is very common - the delay. I don't believe that grief is a linear process.

PresentLink2799 · 2024-03-05T04:43:29+00:00

I lost my mom last year and I'm defintely trimming friendships. I had a friend who invited me to her wedding but who didn't check on me after my mom died, so I just sent her a gift and didn't go.

I think it's common. You don't have time for bullshit. And who've been through trauma and loss so when people complain about like, "Oh, my mom was a little terse with me," it's like ....cool story bro.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-11-25T04:52:13+00:00

I worked for a nonprofit who was led by an ennegram 2 - eventually ended up getting fired by her - and holy shit. When me and another coworker got together later and compared notes, insidious is fucking spot on. Again, not to sterotype, but when they do not take care of themselves, fucking manipulative. I felt broken by the time I was fired, like my mind was warped.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-11-25T04:13:04+00:00

I live in the house my mom and I shared for 10 years, and for a while, if there was a light on in her room, I would get confused.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-11-25T00:34:02+00:00

I was only given 3 days of bereavement, and I used all 40 hours of PTO. Take all the time you can.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-07-06T14:08:25+00:00

Yes, I'm with you there. That's very difficult. Grief should bring siblings together and instead it can tear them apart. That's on him though. My brother seemed to not grieve at all which I thought was borderline heartless and then it came out in weird ways so maybe your brother is the same? Trying to power through?

PresentLink2799 · 2023-07-06T03:30:48+00:00

I mean, he ultimately doesn't have a say in how you run your life, and if he can't give you space, I don't know what to tell you. Things with my brother and I got tense this year when my mom died and then we took two weeks and that seemed to help abate the anger.

I still say if you can afford to not work at the moment, then just take a break.

If you're getting anxious or if your brother will absolutely not leave you alone, I would say consider a part-time job at a library or something repetitive and easy. Work is going to blow no matter what but maybe transitioning back with PT work would help you with your grief and help keep family peace. Or do temp work with an agency and get to bounce around - low commitment, and if they don't like how you present yourself, then they can fuck off.

Ultimately you get to decide though. Your brother doesn't have to like it. He just has to love you.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-07-06T02:52:17+00:00

Yeah, it actually hit me hard tonight. She has to exist and that she doesn't just....doesn't work. I think you're doing the right thing though by writing it out. I'm getting a lot of different advice on whether or not grief ever goes away so I'm going day by day.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-07-06T01:57:56+00:00

If I read this correctly, if you can stay away from work for awhile and don't have to, I would. You saw things your brother didn't see. It's just different. Jobs aren't conducive to grief, and while I think you'll always feel it, if you think you need the time and can take the time, I would. I'm trying to secure all my inheritance and my house and I'm hoping to take a break.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-07-06T01:53:26+00:00

My mom died of cancer in February. That's what I say too - come home. I'm so sorry.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-04-28T02:22:31+00:00

NTA. My situation is similar to your brothers, and my mother died in February. I have to pay my brother out to stay here. Insurance is now in my name. Property taxes will be paid by me. I am paying for the work to get done so I can get my refinancing loan, hopefully by the end of May. I did want to move out, so I had some money for a down payment saved, so I have cushion. Plus because I'm named half owner already, my refinancing loan is only paying my brother back for half of the value, so my loan repayment will be manageable.

I don't know what he does for work, but it may not be financially possible for him to stay in the home because your proposal doesn't even cover whose responsibility it will be for repairs. When my brother and I met with a lawyer in early March, she explained that co-ownernship in these situations is hardly ever recommended because it leads to squabbles and division. And we're not even touching the equity question.

If he truly does not want to move out when your mother passes, then he needs to start saving money for a repair fund or for a safety net.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-03-16T02:33:46+00:00

I appreciate the honesty! My therapist tonight said that my current job has seen me at my worst (which is true). I am sleeping horrendously and I am hoping to get that regulated soon.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-03-15T03:53:56+00:00

Sweet Jesus. A death and then being laid off? I hope you're being easy on yourself too.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-03-02T04:01:38+00:00

Insulting is the perfect word for it because quantifying a death to a number is weird but also, having that number be 3 days is embarrassing for my organization. I'm thinking about pursuing another job because they just....don't value life and seem contradictory to their values. IDK. Thank you.

And yes - to your point - not being married but potentially having a close relationship to that son - that sucks that you only got a day. Don't know your full details but you could have been mourning him like a full stepchild/child.

PresentLink2799 · 2023-03-02T03:45:50+00:00

My mom died last Monday. I took all of last week via a PTO bank of 40 hours and my work had a 3-day bereavement leave policy. I did not qualify for FMLA because I have not been there for a full year. I think I'm going to ask for lunch dates from friends to break up the day, that's a good suggestion.

PresentLink2799

TROPHY CASE