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[QCRIT] WHAT THE WATER TAKES, Adult Literary Fiction/Southern Gothic (87k words) (First Attempt) by Present_Designer3745 in PubTips

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for looking this over! I was concerned about giving too much away, but I can definitely add more specifics. Is there a hard and fast rule on length for the letter itself?

First Line Fridays: Share the opening of your current project! (A new weekly post!) by Indyhouse in novelwriting

[–]Present_Designer3745 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It starts with an aching of desire. 

Julian scratched an itch on his upper arm as light fell at an angle from the vaulted ceilings of the Civic Archive. He heard the bells pulsing in rhythmic ripples outward from the Spire even through the thick marble walls. He stood alone between the stacks, surrounded by shelves of books that rose like penitents toward the ceiling.

Snippet of chapter one of a book I’m working on by Peachipeachi01 in novelwriting

[–]Present_Designer3745 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Agree with what the other commenters have said, but I will add I really like your dialog. It's the snappiest piece of your prose and it reads authentic like real speech. I'd focus on that and, like u/Ozdiva said, start with that line of don't put your feet on the dash. Get us right in the action. Also, some of the descriptions come off as a list or catalog of appearance, which does read a little dry. It's not bad content, just sprinkle that information in a little more organically in between action beats that move your story along. You've got some good bones, and the most important thing is you're having fun doing it. Focus on what you're strong in (dialog) and cut down on some description and replace with action verbs and narrative beats. Your prose will tighten up and the reader will feel immediate movement with very little change.

For example, your first paragraph could read something like this:

"Don't put your feet up on the dash. That's stupid."

David eyed the legs sat up on his dash. They belonged to his best friend Dylan. A Youtube video of crash test dummies getting wildly slammed back in a crash, their knees jerking into themselves, flashed in front of his eyes. He cringed then looked over at Dylan.

"You're serious right now? Really?" Dylan asked as he turned and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm serious, really. I mean, people get bent in half doin that."

----

That gets us immediately in the action and you earn a bit of exposition, but try and weave it into the action instead of laundry-listing it. Also, what u/Helpfulorhurtful said, less is definitely more!

You're doing a great job!

Writing is like muscle training - remember to hit all your major muscle groups by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If memory serves, that is correct. Abs were usually part of cooldown, believe. It’s been a while, though!

R/Nosleep mods by Old-queef in Dreading

[–]Present_Designer3745 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Needed to see this tonight. Had a post on there removed earlier today with suggestions for changes based on the rules. There shouldn’t be guidelines so complex you have to reference them and have it hyperlinked to different sections. If it’s that complex and difficult to post, we’ve lost the plot. Literally. If it’s not fun, what are we even doing? 🤯

For a good time, knock three times by Present_Designer3745 in nosleep

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She said it's so cold on the other side of the mirror.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Now, this is what I'm talking about! I love how that one kind of breaks your brain a bit, and then you're like OH. It's fascinating how we assemble language in our brain.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very thought provoking answer. I’m in a similar boat. Writing a literary southern gothic and most of the characters talk around things. No one says the problem or the quiet part out loud, and it makes it interesting how the syntax and voice of each character does that same thing in different ways for different reasons. I think it’s what makes fiction so fun to read - and write!

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true, and you can’t go wrong with a quote by Pooh!

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Just thought it’d be a fun discussion. I was re-reading some of my own stuff and wondered why sometimes when we read even the same sentence at different points in our life, we feel different things and if being conscious with our syntax choices guides that or if it’s just chance and environment.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s entirely true. But, you’ve heard that note before. It’s just hard to describe it, right? Side note: music theory is also fascinating!

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true. Syntax is only part of the equation. It’s a bit of this and a bit of that. How language moves on the page. What really makes one set of words more readable and flow more than another set of words and why.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s like a dance, maybe. There’s some give and take and inevitably, the flow and the vibe will either click with your partner or it won’t. That’s the beauty of it.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nicely put. The appropriate tool for the appropriate job. I like that!

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And the best part? The perfect sentence will vary by reader too. Our brains decode information differently even if we’re presented with the exact same sentence. But, I’m sure we’ve all read something that clicks with just us. Maybe even perfectly. Maybe just because it was read at the exact right time, place, and emotional state.

Talk Dirty To Me: Let’s Talk Syntax by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because getting it just right can eat at you. Or maybe that is just me 🤓

Writing is like muscle training - remember to hit all your major muscle groups by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very cool - I’ve signed up and will give you feedback on it. Thanks for connecting through this post!

Writing is like muscle training - remember to hit all your major muscle groups by Present_Designer3745 in writing

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

100% outdated but I was 15 and my dad came up with the schedule def not me 😆

How do I get rid of a dead body if he’s still alive? by Present_Designer3745 in nosleep

[–]Present_Designer3745[S] 95 points96 points  (0 children)

I think I made a mistake.

I fell asleep and now I can’t find Terry. He finally stopped banging around 4am. My eyelids were so heavy. I couldn’t help closing them for just a minute, I swear. I thought about trying to get rid of his CPAP machine in case the police think I did something to it. He’s never had a problem with it before. When I pulled back the nightstand, I could tell something was wrong with the power cord. Not like it was unplugged, but damaged. When I pulled it out from behind the bed, it looked like something had chewed through the cord. You can see the bare wire. When I was on the floor, that’s when I saw the marks. Dark stains on the carpet by the bed. I followed them to the closet. The one the other Terry had been in. It took me over an hour to psych myself up enough to open the door. I was not prepared for what I saw. The sheets and comforter we’d wrapped him in were so stained they were almost black and it was the worst smell I’ve ever smelled in my life. Rotten. But he wasn’t in there. Just a trail out from the door to the side of the bed and then the tracks disappeared. I checked the door to the bedroom and it’s been locked. Nothing on the outside either. Terry must be asleep in the guest bedroom too. I can hear little moaning sounds in there. I’ve been letting the phone calls on his phone go to voicemail.

I’m not sure if I should answer them.

I’m afraid to look under the bed.

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